The Last Will and Testament of ~~Troll~~Celestia
Six ponies were gathered in a rather lavish office seated on comfortable cushions, in varying states. Twilight Sparkle, the protégé of the now late Princess Celestia was crying into the neck of her coltfriend, Flash Sentry, who was busy trying to console her, but was failing quite miserably at it. Princess Luna was sitting beside them, guzzling down a beer bottle, reeking of alcohol, and swaying a bit from side-to-side. Prince Blueblood had his snout raised as high as it could go, almost pointed straight up to the ceiling. Fluttershy was nervously fidgeting about in the cushion she sat in looking from side-to-side. The final pony in the room, named, Advocate, had a brown coat with a darker brown mane that was slicked back. He wore a red tie and had the cutiemark of a scale on his flank.
The six were here to discuss the final wishes of their dear kingdom's ruler, having been taken in the past months by a mysterious illness that no one seemed to be able to recognize. The only thing that it could have been compared to was a disease that some animals near the Everfree contracted. Fluttershy had some experience with it, but by the time she had arrived in Canterlot, it was too far along to treat.
Advocate cleared his throat and began. "As the executor of Princess Celestia's estate, I have been empowered to read her last will and testament," he said in a bored monotone voice.
"Well, get on with it, the bar's open soon." Luna piped up, finished with another beer bottle, over a dozen already on the floor.
"Oh, poor, sweet, Celestia!" Twilight cried out, followed by a drawn out sob.
"Oh, there, there, Twilight." Flash patted her with a hoof.
"Ugh, how predictably boring." Blueblood said, as he somehow pointed his snout up higher.
"I never worked for a kinder mare." Fluttershy thought aloud, remembering the last months of Celestia's life she spent alleviating what symptoms she could.
"If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading." Advocate shuffled some papers around as Blueblood said, "I knew it." Luna levitated out a bottle of whiskey from her mane and let out a chuckle.
"I, Princess Celestia, being of sound mind and body..."
"That's a laugh!" Luna interjected, laughing aloud.
"...do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly clingy student, Twilight..."
Twilight Sparkle let out a particularly loud sob, before Flash nudged her and said, "Twily, darling, that's us." Followed by an "Oh," from Twilight.
"...who grubbed with her boy-toy, Flash, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..."
"What?" Twilight asked aloud, surprised.
"To Twilight, I leave, a boot to the head."
"A what?" Twilight asked indignantly.
Suddenly, a boot magically appeared above Advocate, which then promptly flew out and smacked Twilight square in the snout, eliciting a cry of pain from her.
"Twily, are you okay?" Flash asked.
"...and another boot to her wimpy boy-toy, Flash."
A second boot promptly appeared and flew directly between Flash's eyes, impacting his forehead, causing Flash to let out an, "Ow!" and for Luna to begin laughing uproariously.
"This is an outrage!" Twilight cried out, upset.
"...ah but still, you are my student, you have always admired my vast collection of books, and since I no longer need it..."
"Oh dear Celestia, you're too kind!" Her attitude did a complete one-eighty, a smile on her face.
"...I bequeath another boot to the head."
"What?" Twilight's smile promptly disappeared, and was replaced with a look of surprise as another boot flew out and struck her.
"Ow!" Luna was almost rolling on the floor, laughing.
"And one more for the wimp."
"Ow!"
"Next, to my alcoholic sister..." Advocate turned to Luna, still looking down at the papers on his desk.
"Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!" She said, before tilting back the whiskey and guzzling it down.
"....to dear Luna, who hasn't worked a day since coming back from the moon..."
"I'm coverin, up my head!" Luna laid her head down on the cushion and put both her forelegs over her mane.
"...I leave my wine cellar and three crates of the finest 'Wild Pegasus Whiskey' of the kingdom."
Luna blinked and looked up, surprised. "Really?"
"And a boot to the head."
A boot swiftly struck Luna, who let out an "Oh!" in pain.
"And another for Twilight and the wimp."
A boot hit Twilight again, knocking her back with its force, Twilight letting out an "Eugh!" While another hit Flash and knocked him right out of the cushion. Twilight now had a terrified look on her face as she began to lean down, in a vain hope to dodge more weaponized footwear.
"Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Blueblood..."
"This is so predictable..." Blueblood let out with a huff.
"...I leave a boot to the head."
A boot appeared behind Blueblood and hit him in the back of the cranium with a loud smack, causing him to tumble forward, barely catching himself with his forelegs. "Uh! I knew it..."
"And one for Twilight and the wimp."
Twilight and Flash leaned over a makeshift barricade of a bookshelf Twilight had levitated over to them, only to both get consecutively struck."Augh!" "Oh!"
"This takes care of close relations." Advocate shuffled the papers a bit. "And now, to Fluttershy..."
"Oh, uh, I don't want anything, thank you." Fluttershy leaned down and hid half her face behind her mane.
"...who took care of me faithfully these past few months, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..."
"Oh, I didn't mind." Fluttershy smiled, brightening up the whole room with her kindness.
"To Fluttershy, I bequeath, a boot to the head."
A boot dropped down directly from on top of Fluttershy making her squee in fright and pain.
"And one for Twilight and the wimp."
Two more boots flew over the bookshelf the ponies were hiding behind and hit them both directly on their muzzles. "AGGH!" "OHH!"
"And so, to my phoenix, Philomena, I leave my entire, vast... boot to the head!"
A smack was heard from down the hall outside the room, accompanied by a loud indignant squawk.
"And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head... but a rabid Tasmanian Devil, to be placed inside his flank!?" Advocate's eyes widened as he read aloud, when a growling was heard. Advocate began to jump about in his seat in severe pain, but stayed where he was. "Auuuuuuugh! Oh, huh, huh, huh, huh, and- and- and I leave my entire estate of 10 billion bits to the ponies of Detrot so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Advocate sped through the rest of the statement. When he finished, the growling disappeared and Advocate let out a "Huuuuh," in relief, resting his head on his forelegs propped up on his desk, before quickly picking his head back up, shaking it, and looking at the surrounding, astounded ponies.
Twilight and Flash leaned out over the bookcase, Twilight's face scrunched up in anger, while Flash meekly asked, "Is that it?"
"That's it?" Blueblood asked in disbelief.
"That's disgraceful!" Luna commented, with the others muttering in agreement.
"There's one last thing for everyone." Advocate said as he scrutinized the last line of the paper.
All the ponies' eyes widened in fright, and Luna said, "Cover your heads, everypony." Luna leaned down a bit, while Blueblood straightened up in surprise. Twilight and Flash quickly ducked behind their useless bookshelf again, while Fluttershy just cowered behind her mane.
"I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream."
The room was silent for a few seconds while all the ponies that were hiding looked up in surprise and became more relaxed.
"Ice cream?" both Flash and Luna asked aloud.
"Ice cream that's all?" Blueblood asked a little upset at the lack of his inheritance, but rather glad not to get hit in the head again.
"That's all." Advocate confirmed.
"Well, what flavor is it?" Fluttershy asked, meekly.
Advocate paused, and said, "Boot to the head!"
At least over a hundred boots appeared in the room and proceeded to bounce off the walls and impacting all the ponies within -excluding Advocate who seemed to be immune- as all the ponies let out cries of pain at the strikes of rubber soles. They quickly ran out of the room and ran in separate directions after five minutes of fumbling with the door knob while gaining bruises all over their bodies.
A year later, would see some of the ponies drastically changed.
Fluttershy, the least affected, went back to her cottage in Ponyville to take care of her animals, which had proceeded to create a cult while she was gone and was going to sacrifice a tied up Rainbow Dash to their god whose name could not even be comprehended in this language. A quick fix really. That Angel Bunny and his shenanigans. The most that happened overall, was that Fluttershy gained a new phobia for footwear. She would never be able to dress up in sexy socks again.
Twilight quickly came to her senses and broke up with Flash. She spent the rest of her life dedicated to the magic of friendship and science. Studying into her old age, enjoying every bit of life as it went by, content without Celestia's books.
Blueblood wound up on the streets, begging, for scraps just to get by. He eventually found his calling one day when a group of ponies lost their tour guide for Canterlot. He quickly navigated them back to the original tour group, while pointing out sights and places of interest for the noble class, that he had grown to know so well in his life. The tour guide was so impressed he gained a position in the tour company, quickly excelling in the ranks thanks to his royal education, which he actually had paid attention to at times. He would eventually branch the company out into safaris, and even leading unknown expeditions. Blueblood never forgot the joy of a simple tour though, and would return to Canterlot to give personal tours on occasion. He would eventually meet another mare who shared his interest and the two would someday settle down and start a family. But not after years of adventuring (I know, right? Blueblood?).
Luna took awhile to get accustomed to the sun and her new duties that were forced upon her. Not before draining the entire three barrels of 'Wild Pegasus Whiskey' one evening, and moving the moon too close to Equestria in her drunken stupor, causing the legends of the lost city of Seaddle to continue for a great amount of time. Until it would mysteriously show up again a thousand years later as things tend to do. Luna grew into her role and came to love all her ponies as much as Celestia did, even quitting her drinking habits.
And who the hell gives a shit about Flash Sentry anyway?
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh.
Author's Note
It's done. Pretty much got the idea from this:
Say what you will. My body is ready.
