Hello, my name is Dayvid M. Master, and I have created the portal to Equestria. You see, I was at my place having a bowl of my favorite cereal, Boo Berr-
*This is the part where Alexander Anderson breaks into my house, but I kick him in the dick out my kitchen window and he dies, and you all applaud at my awesome feets of strength*
Anyways, while I was eating my cereal, I was having trouble finding a way to finish creating my interdimensional portal to Equestria. I reached for my Big Gulp of orange juice and imported French champagne (yeah, I can afford it, don’t be jelly), when I knocked my beaker of antimatter all over the table.
I was so furious that smeared it all over my hand and slammed it down on my iPad Airbook Hero (I was friends with Steve Jobs and he left me that in his will (RIP in peace)), which was running Safari containing a tab of my totally tubular clopfic on FIMFiction starring my complex and interesting OC and my- I mean, his waifu Lyra. The anti-matter combined with the processor inside the tablet and opened a portal to Equestria.
“Cool beans!” I gleefully chortled as I jumped in.
After spending, like, forever trying to fit my rock-hard pecs and eight-pack in through my tablet, I was soaring through the wormhole! I had fun pointing at all the protons and lasers that went zooming past me before I landed belly-first into Ponyville.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: aren’t the other ponies going to be scared about an alien creature suddenly appearing in their town? Normally, yes, but you see, in my story, there was a male pony named Movie Master who rallied with Lyra Heartstrings about the existence of humans, and now everyone believes in them.
They all gave me happy waves of their hooves as I walked through town. My first objective was to find Pinkie Pie. I know the second she’d see me, she’d throw me a huge party, I’d be friends with the Mane 6, and I might even become the seventh Element of Harmony (what’s all this shit I keep hearing about Rainbow Power?).
As I walk towards Sugar Cube Corner, where she totally is (that’s where I wrote her in my story), I trip over the hoof of my OC himself, Movie Master. With his kahki coat, brown mane and tail, and Joel Grey doing duckface for a cutie-mark, he was even more handsome than I ever could have imagined (and not in that way, you sickos!).
“Oh wow,” Movie said, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see…”
His words dithered off as he looked up in me. He was astounded to see something that he hasn’t quite seen before (and I’m talking about him being a human here, he’s not getting hot over him, jeez!).
“Hey,” I said, pointing down at him. “You’re Movie Master, aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” he said with suspicion. “How do you know that? I’ve never seen you before. In my life.”
“I know,” I told him. “You see, you’re a character I created in a story in my own universe based off a children’s cartoon where Equestria is the setting and everyone here is a character inside of it, and I accidently spilled anti-matter over my tablet where my story was, and it created a portal to Equestria where I am now.”
“That’s pretty cool,” Movie said, “and sounds in no way alarming or disturbing.”
“I know, rite?”
I totally nailed that. I’m such a genius, I thought.
“Hey,” Movie asked, “while you’re here, you want me to give you a tour of Ponyville?”
“I would love a tour of Ponyville, because it’s never fucking been done in any other story ever!”
‘Then, let’s go!”
Movie Master spent hours pointing me around Ponyville where I said hi to even more ponies and waved at them. The last stop was Applejack’s food cart, where she appeared to be putting away her apple cart for the day.
“Why hey there, sugarcube,” she greeted to the both of us. “Say, sugarcube,” she asked to Movie Master, “who’s the stud beside you?”
“Applejack,” Movie Master presented with a spin of his arm like a firework pinwheel, “this is my creator Dayvid. He comes from another universe where we’re all just characters in a television show, and I’m a made up character of his!”
“Well, golly, sugarcube,” she exclaimed, “we’re like movie stars now!”
“Say, Applejack, it’s getting past dinnertime, you mind if we snag an apple?”
“Why, of course, you can, sugarcube. Both of y’all can each take an apple.”
“Wow,” I told her, “thank you so much! You sound exactly like you do in the show, Applejack!”
“Aw, thanks sugarcube,” she told me. “Say, sugarcube, how would you like to sample some of my other apple treats?”
“Well, I told her,” feeling a bit annoyed, “I just had breakf-”
My words were silenced as Applejack shoved a hot-apple fritter into my mouth.
“How’s that taste, sugarcube?” she asked.
“MMPHMHPHMPHMPHM,” I protested as a caramel apple was shoved into my mouthhole.
“Come on, sugarcube,” Applejack pressed, “I know you can take it?”
As I tried to tell her to stop, I felt a searing sensation in my body, one that I wished would not happen until I got home.
“Mmph!”
“How about some-”
“MMPH!”
“Well, what is it, sugarcube? Spit it out!”
My dick felt like it was on fire as it began to enlarge and pitch a tent inside my Adventure Time pajama bottoms. In one massive heave, I spat the food out of my mouth and ran away from the gathering crowds, my penis burning like hot iron.
“Wait!” Movie Master called.
I tried to run away, by my ever swelling and ever-agnonizing cock chafing against my legs was too painful, and I collapsed to the ground. Movie Master stood beside me, unsure of what was happening to me.
He gasped as he saw blood bleed through my pant on my crotch, knowing that this was super duper cereal (whoops, I already ate breakfast, whoops 
). I wouldn’t make it without him, and I needed him more than ever.
“I’ll take you home!” he shouted, grabbing me with his magic (yes, he’s a unicorn, shut up).
He ran for miles while my penis burned like lava on the sun. We finally made it to his house where he laid me inside on the couch. Lyra walked out of the kitchen after she sat on a stool with her legs out in front (so she’s into humans, just like in the show, brohoof! /) Nahaaa!).
“What’s wrong with him?” Lyra asked as Movie removed my pants from around my waist.
The two could see that my penis was blown up like a balloon and twitching in painful spasms, almost as if it were about to burst.
“I didn’t think this could happen on his world,” Movie Master gasped.
“Yeah,” I told him. “I have urethral warts. I’ve had them since I was a boy, and I had to live life being unable to pee like normal people because my warts would block up the hole, and it was always so painful that the pain would be the most painful pain that has ever been experienced in paindom (lik if u cri evrtim).”
“We call them the “Worse Than having AIDS and Pancreatic Cancer While Being a Slave for King Sombra Bumps,” explained Movie Master. “Hold on, I know how to fix this. My roomate had the Worse Than having AIDS and Pancreatic Cancer While Being a Slave for King Sombra Bumps and he taught me how to fix them. Here, let me see…”
My penis continued to burn like hell and I was crying like the end of Game of Thrones Season 3. Movie Master carefully and with gentleness wrapped his lips around my penis and moved up the shaft, pulling my foreskin back.
(AN: SHUT THE FUCK UP! He’s not giving me a blowjob, you fucking queermos! This is how you treat urethral warts, just ask my dad!)
The feeling of his mouth going back and forth on my dick was very soothing, and the warmth and moisture helped reduced the sting and the burn. Lyra was masturbating furiously to it (and no, she’s not into gay either, she just imagines that she’s me and Movie Master’s eating her out, gosh!)
Movie Master bites hard on my dick where the wart is, and I feel a satisfying pop that makes me moan loud with pleasure (for the last time, not that pleasure, my wart popped, okay?). A stream of puss shoots out my dick and into Movie Master’s mouth as Lyra orgasms beside us. Movie Master wiped his lips of the excess and licked the puss off his hooves, swallowing every drop.
“The thing that I love,” he tells me, “is that they taste like swiss cheese.”
“You said it!” I proclaim as a wave of relief washes over me.
With my horrible brush with certain death averted, I lean back and crash on the couch, getting some much needed rest.