Deus Ex: Cosplay Revolution

One day.

One day I’m going to look back at this, and I’m going to say “was I high?” One day, I’m going to write all of this down, publish it to the internet. One day, someone will stumble upon it, and they’ll think “this man was insane, let’s find him.” One day, that someone, whether a dude or a lady, would find me, and I’d explain everything to them, in full detail, just to reward him or her for taking the time out of their day to talk to the local crazy.

Today? Not that day.

It was the day I was supposed to meet Celestia. Spent the entirety of yesterday reading up on politics, science, and sports. Didn’t have time to get in to it, because Shade had said “enough reading, we need to get you clothes for the meeting with the Princess,” and dragged me off to the local mall. I got some nicer clothes out of the deal, along with a baseball cap, but it still cut into the very limited amount of time I had to get situated.

At the least, I’d put on a German accent and grabbed a newspaper. No one messed with a big guy in a turtleneck, especially if he was speaking in a German accent, was reading a magazine, and stood next to a beautiful woman. That’s a fact.

Apparently, there was a coal shortage in Equestria (not enough miners), a gem shortage in some Zebra Federation (yeah, surreal), an Earth pony-specific outbreak of influenza (improbable), and some group called “The Wonderbolts” who were performing in Canterlot, probably for the wedding.

Now? I was sitting on a bench by the entrance, smoking a cigarette, waiting. I wasn’t going to bother with the long line to seek actual audience-style audience with the Princess. The snobbish look of the ponies there, combined with the fact that half of them were looking straight to the ceiling and the other half were chatting about makeup and shit, and I already knew I would flip right the fuck out if I stayed anywhere near there.

Least I’d given one of the two guards at the entrance the token, and I’d told them that I was expecting an audience with the Princess today. They'd looked at me like I was crazy, but when you talked in a German accent and wore sunglasses, just about anyone listened to you. At least I told them I was gonna wait outside.

I took another drag of the cancer stick. The minutes ticked by. Wasn't gonna bother doing much, but damn, I'dve liked some cola. Preferably lemon-lime, but I could live if I got orange.

"Hey," I hear. I turn, seeing one of the hundreds of identical guards standing nearby. "Are you the... pony who saved that servant?"

I can tell he's a new recruit. Or might be an experienced veteran acting like a new recruit. Eh, might as well be polite. "I am," I reply, making sure I kept the German accent. "Whatcha need?"

"Well... uh, we heard that you... uh, got into hoof-to-hoof combat with the mare. Can you show us some, uh, pointers? Our training is kinda... uh, stalled because of the wedding."

Huh. Well, that's not what I expected. Considering it'd be a bit before I could actually see the Princess, might as well. Besides, it'd be a good way to break in these clothes. Shade would beat the fuck out of me,  but oh well. Not like I had much control of my life as it was. And honestly, if the training of the guards was stalled because of a wedding, then I felt bad for them. Incredibly badly, if this was their sergeant.

I nodded. "Ya, I guess so. Lead the way, boy."

The guard leads me to a large, open area. It's near a balcony of the castle, but no shade is provided. It's a hundred yards long, fifty wide, with a pair of buildings set up at the end opposite the entrance. There's your standard PT gear, hurdles and tracks and all that, but my eye falls on the group near a section of packed dirt.

Apparently, they're in the section of practice covering CQC. The guard takes me closer to the group, and I can see that they're... very politely boxing. Not the wrestling, tough-guy, "in it to win it" kind of boxing, but the "let's fight like gentlemen" boxing. Holy fuck, the military here must've been a bunch of ass-wads if they thought that'd get them through an actual fight.

The match continues for another minute, the two guards exchanging punches like sissies. Some of the spectators notice me, but pay more attention to the two fuckers in the ring.

I sigh, grumbling under my breath before yelling "You fight like old nags!" in my best approximation of a jeering German accent. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger, whichever one it fluctuated between.

That gets them to stop. Everyone looks to me, some scowling but most wondering who I was. It takes barely a second before one of them realizes that I was "that guy." It's a good thing I can strike an imposing figure, even in a button-up. Crossed arms, sunglasses, a cigarette hanging from my lips, and the action-hero stubble of the Gods themselves.

Someone in slightly more ornate armor walks up, scowl on his very special carbon copy face. "Excuse me, sir, but what in the name of the Princess do you think you're doing interrupting the training of Royal Guards?"

I tilt my head. "Offering commentary, mine friend. Obviously, none ov you have evah been in a real fight, have you?" I take the cigarette out of my mouth, tossing it to the ground before snuffing it out. "My grantmutta couldt fight better than even your best ponehs."

The sergeant looks miffed. "Really? And who are you?"

I grin, rolling my neck so that they can hear the very audible pops. "Darrell Mays? You have not heardt ofv me, yet your Soldatin have. Tell me, have you ever been een a real fight yourself?"

He looks a bit surprised for a moment. "Y-You're the pony who saved that servant? The Darrell Mays?"

I nod. "Andt one of your Soldatin came to me, to show you some 'pointers'. Is that true, Soldat?"

The one who got me nods.

Before the Sergeant can speak up, I'm strolling over to the two largest guards. I point to them and yell, straight in their faces; "Go to the ring andt show me how you fight!"

Almost immediately, they go to the circle of dirt and drop into a combative stance. They're unsure of themselves, that much I can tell. All they're doing is standing there, waiting... And their sergeant is surprised.

"Fight!" I shout. All they do is nervously walk to each other like a teenage couple on their first date. The ensuing sparring match is almost painful to watch.

Thirty seconds in, I decide to stop it. "Quit this nonsense. I have seen more engaging displays from Kleinkinder," I yell. soon as they hear my voice, the two guards stop their pathetic attempt at "fighting", moving to the edge of the ring.

I point to the one nearest to me. "You, out of the ring."

He obeys without question.

Then I kneel down, ripping a handful of grass and dirt before rolling it into my hands. The rest of it I separate into a gritty dust, perfect for the purposes of this demonstration. The odd looks I ignore, in favor of walking to the edge of the ring, dirt in my fist.

There are no words I yell to start the demonstration. All I do is look at the guard, calmly walk towards him, and grin. He's confused, that much I can tell, but not for long when he finds his eyes suddenly covered in dirt. And his ass on the ground, seeing as I got a leg underneath him as he was recoiling.

After the thirty-second fight, I walk up to the greenhorn who got me and grabbed him by the shoulder. He looked a bit terrified, considering a guy a good head taller than him had a death grip on him. "Scheisskopf, never fight a fair fight."

I toss him away, walking off the grounds and hoping to God above I'd be able to play if off as their fault. I'd like to imagine they had shocked looks on their faces, at least.

Thirty minutes later, I was aimlessly wandering. Wasn't gonna bother smoking, because honestly, I didn't want to run out of cigarettes.

Strangely enough, there was a severe lack of nobles waiting to pull the brown-nose routine. A couple were lingering around, grumbling about "Day Court being canceled," or something like that. The guards at the door seemed to recognize me, at least.

"Go on in, sir."

I cock an eyebrow. Really? Must've been something to do with the ass I whooped. Either way, I shouldered open the door and walked in.

Guess who sat on the throne? You get three guesses, and the first two don't count.

Yeah, Princess Celestia, right there. Half-expected her to say "I've been expecting you," the way she was sitting on that throne. Considering there wasn't a single set of guards anywhere, I was going to assume this was something either incredibly important or it was about to turn into a porno.

Either way, I dug some cigarettes out of my pocket, stuck one in my mouth, and lit it up. Might as well, considering I was about to be talking to one of the most powerful individuals around.