Deus Ex: Cosplay Revolution

"Hey, you called?" I say, taking a drag.

She's... looking a bit moody. "Yes, I did."

"Aight. Whatcha need?" I very calmly question, ignoring her response. Really, I was paying more attention to the stained glass windows on the wall. Got some nice... images, whatever you call that shit, on 'em. "But before you say anythin', I gotta say, you got some nice stained glass here."

"...Thank you."

Huh, almost seems I'm ruining a planned conversation, it seems. Chances are she was looking to extract information out of me, but I was a bit smarter than that. Eh, best not to be too much of a douche. "So, what were you were asking?"

"I just wanted to congratulate a hero. Is that enough to ask?"

i shrug. "Well I'd assume that most of the time when you're congratulating a hero, it's public. Y'know, so ponies can see it. Really doesn't work to congratulate some guy in private, and I'm almost certain that the story has somehow been leaked to the media. You got any letters asking for a grandiose ceremony recently? A medal? Heck, even a statue?"

Seems I'm completely derailing the conversation. "No, not yet, though a little bird told me that you were out of the hospital in less than three days, despite having multiple broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a two-inch deep cut from a magical blade. Seems a bit odd, don't you think?"

I take another drag. "You got free healthcare, I'm twenty-someaught years old, and maybe I'm just that good."

She stands up. During my stay in the hospital, I knew she was tall. Now I see that she's at least six inches taller than me, but I don't even bother letting that change my expression.

"Another little bird told me very recently of a 'pony' called Darrell Mays throwing dirt in the eyes of my guards, then walking off without a trace. Also odd, don't you think? You seem to be giving yourself a mixed reputa-"

I hold up a hand. "First off, that was a small mistake on my part. Second, your guards suck at fighting. I mean, you ever put on a disguise and walk around in the seedier parts of town and get mugged? When you get mugged you ain't looking for a fair fight, you're looking to end it as quick as possible-" I take a drag, ignoring the fact that she's slowly approaching me. "-and then you keep 'em from attacking. That's not fighting dirty, that's self-defense. Third, I did it for shits n' giggles. And as you can tell, I'm completely and utterly irreverent about it."

She's... a bit surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. They ask me to show 'em a couple pointers, I walk up to 'em, I see they're fighting like a bunch of old ladies over the lowest-priced crochet needles, and I stop 'em right there. Their NCO complains, but then I show 'em that the point of fighting isn't to be in a fair fight but ending it quick as possible with your opponent down and out-" She's actually cocked an eyebrow, wow "-Yeah, that's my side of the story."

"I... actually don't have any words for that. In my thousand years as Princess, I can say that I have never met a being so... calm... as you."

"Thank you, but I don't think calm describes me. More like flippantly disregarding everything, in my opinion. So, well and truly, why have you brought me here today? Is it about the crazy mare who tried to kill me? It's about her, isn't it."

She... she sighs. Honestly, she was all 'ice queen mode' back in the hospital, but I think it's my kilotons of charm getting in her head. "No. Not at all. The day before yesterday, two mares approached you and gave you this." Then she pulls out the token from somewhere, considering her robe has little in the way of pockets. "Does this look familiar?"

"Yeah, I gave it to the guards outside, told them I had an audience with you, for some odd reason-" ah wait a minute... "-and those two mares aren't part of any intelligence, security, or whatever secret agency you know about."

Must've surprised her with that deduction. "Yes... how did you know?"

"I had a sudden epiphany. Speaking of that, do you have any secret agencies? Y'know, spies and stuff? I'd like to believe so, because the way things have been going my-" fuck, needed to come up with something "-sabbatical wandering across Equestria has taken a turn to the dark side."

Good one, brain.

"No. Equestria has no need for spies. There has never been a need for them."

The ash on the cigarette crumples to the ground. I smash the butt and drop it into a little plastic baggy, reaching to take another cigarette out but finding the little paper container completely empty. "Hey, you mind doing some hocus-pocus and getting me some cigarettes?"

Without a word, her horn glows, and a little flash and weight near my hand make me grin. "Thanks," I say, taking a cigarette out and stuffing it in my mouth, "how do you do that, anyway?"

"Magic. Advanced magic."

Man, here I thought it was gonna be some smoke and mirrors shit. "So, spies and mares in black. Seems they want you and I to work together."

"It seems so, yes. But for what, I don't know exactly. This 'conspracy' among the staff of the castle was only recently brought to my attention." She rubs her temple.

"Same here. Kinda surprising, too, because I was hired to find it." Shit, need to come up with a reason! "Got an anonymous tip, can't say who it was, privacy and all that." I light up the cigarette, taking a satisfying drag and breathing it out my nose like some old-school dragon. "You want one of these? They're pretty good."

She looks at me, a bit odd, though. "No, but thank you for offering."

"Alrighty then," I state, taking another drag. If only I could blow smoke rings... Wait a minute, I just had an idea!

"I would like to learn more about this conspiracy, but the wedding and my duties as princess prevent me from doing so."

"Before you go 'duties to my country' on me, listen up. I'm willing to let you in on what I'm investigating, but for a price; not in money, but in information, equipment, and personnel." Thank god for cigarettes.

Almost feel the room drop a couple degrees. "What kind of information?"

Shit... "Anything I need to even point me in the right direction. Anything I need to land one of the conspirators twenty-five to life in the deepest darkest pit that you can call a prison. Anything I need to bring them in."

"And why should I offer this to you?"

Just need to keep bluffing... "In a day or two, this castle is going to be swarmed with reporters who hear the story. You're going to be busy answering questions, the guards will be busy keeping them out of the crime scene, and the wedding will clog the works of bureaucracy like built-up gunk. Chances are the police are too incompetent to figure it out themselves. That, or they're underfunded, understaffed, and overworked." I take another drag. "An independent third party is your best bet. You give me full access to anything I need, the rats we're hunting'll be out before the preacher can say 'you may now kiss the bride'."

Hesitant, that's how I'd describe her right now. "And how will one individual oust a conspiracy?"

Almost chuckle. "I've got the skills. All you gotta do is trust me. Shake on it?"

She looks at my outstretched hand, for one second hesitating. Then she takes it and shakes it with all the confidence a ruler of the land had.

I grin. "Good. Now, if you need to contact me, you just look for a mare named Summer Shade," I say, turning and leaving before she can change her mind.