Deus Ex: Cosplay Revolution

Three days.

Shade said I had three days before she could get an audience.

I'd told her the two mares at the park weren't official. She'd just chuckled and said "Your employer has ways to make things happen," and ignored any request for information I had after that. Either she knew about it or it was all an elaborate ruse.

Then she'd asked me how the audience with Celestia went. I told her every detail, and all she'd done was smile and nod along the way. Honestly half-expected her to berate me, but with what she said it almost sounded... planned.

It probably was. Might've gotten on my nerves, but I knew for a fact working for this shadowy organization was better than working for the one that Bitchass McCrazy worked for. And working with the government would benefit the both of us, as far as I could see.

Shade had said she'd some business to attend to, and left. Said I was in charge of the house, but honestly I didn't care that much.

Right now? I was tuned out, somewhere between waking and sleeping, resting on the couch and listening to the background noise on the television. Might as well get as much sleep as I can, because I know with the way my life is going I'd more than likely be chasing down criminals or hunching over paperwork...

"Littlepip," I hear, coming from the television. The name stirs up a memory, something small and inconsequential... that woman...

Waitaminute- Littlepip?

I shoot back into awareness, gazing at the television. Sure enough...

Holy fuck on a stick. You've gotta be kidding me! You've gotta be pulling my leg, you gotta be pulling the wool over my eyes, you gotta be fucking with me, because what the fuck?

It was a marathon. It was a marathon of a show, and I'd caught it halfway.

And it was surreal. Seeing anthropomorphic ponies in a wasteland, shooting at each other, seeing a little woman swear like a Russian sailor, and holy shiiiiiiit that's a lot of blood, and... whaddafuck? Just... just whaddafuck. And it even had an extended universe of books and comics and radio plays.

Who the fuck listened to radio plays? Seriously, who listened other than Baby Boomers?

Was a pretty good show, nonetheless, despite how surreal it was. Only caught about a couple episodes before drifting off into half-sleep, but I'd probably have to watch it again to see just what silliness I was missing out on.

Man, I'd kill for some fried pickles right about now, I think... hold on, Shade never said she didn't have pickles.

Fuck yeah I'm getting me some fried pickles!

Goddammit, Shade didn't have any pickles. Made due with some hard-boiled eggs and hashbrowns, though, which were just as awesome. Was about to put up when I heard a great big crash coming from upstairs.

Fuck, a burglar? Almost want to run and grab the baton from the living room, but that was too far away. I glance around the kitchen, seeing a serrated bread knife. It was in my hand in an instant, though how effective it'd be wasn't something I knew or wanted to test.

I took a deep breath.

"Whoevah da fuck you are, come out right now an' I'll only beat ya to an inch of ya life!" I bellow out!

Silence. Then the lights go dark. I swear under my breath, trying to remember wh-

Oh shit.

Oh shit!

Something had broken into the house, not someone. In the little light from the moon, all I could see was something vaguely humanoid, female, almost naked, with two dull green eyes and insectoid wings and holes in her arms oh god what the fuck was that?

I don't bother looking at it any more. Adrenaline filled my veins.

As quiet as could be with blood drumming in my ears, I stepped forward, knife in a reverse grip. Doesn't look like it can see me, far as I can tell... Just needed to get a bit closer...

There!

I lunge forward, jabbing the sharp end of the knife into her thigh as I full-body tackle her to the ground. She hisses something like a scream of anger and pain, right into my ear, but I grit my teeth.

Before I can knock it out, its horn glows. Soon as can be I find myself thrown off, hitting the fridge with a nasty crack. The pain subsides near instantly, soon as I get up, thank god for natural painkillers. Whatever the fuck it is, it's in some kind of martial arts stance, some kinda... natural claws on its fingers...

Never fight a fair fight!

Soon as that screams into my head I take a step to the side and grab the still hot pot of water I used to cook my eggs. In the split-second I have to decide, I twist my shoulder and fling the scalding hot water onto the bug-pony, watching it hiss in pain.

I cross the distance, the backswing of the pan knocking it straight in the jaw and sending it to the ground. Started stomping on its knees, stopped when I heard a sharp snap and a louder cry of pain. Its horn glowed again.

"Not this time!" I scream, throwing the pan as hard as I could down onto the ground. It lands near the thing's head, making it flinch.

I drop to my knees, grab it by the throat and horn and push it straight into the ground. First sign of resistance, her clawing at my arms to get me off, I give a sharp tug of her horn and throat in different directions.

She's mewling in pain, crying for me to let her go, but all I do is tighten my grip.

"Oh don't try that trick on me. You coulda just KNOCKED AT THE FUCKING DOOR instead of this if you wanted sympathy, but now you've got none," I growl. "Now, we can do this one of two ways. I turn you into the police, where you're detained and held captive in a dark gray cell, two meals of shit a day, where you'll most likely rot, or, you tell me the exact reasons and purpose, everything I want or need to know, about why the FUCKING HELL you broke into this house."

All I hear is a sob.

"You've got thirty seconds to tell me, before I break this stupid horn off and turn your ugly face into MINCEMEAT!"