I talked about my father and how because of his death I turned into a slut. But I have only hinted at my mother or vaguely referenced her existence in this story. This time its for her. And me because maybe I can make Screwball understand how both my parents were not the paragons of virtue that I thought they would be. And why I am scared to change and why I'm so fixated on being either a slut or having mental breakdowns every few days.

I never really knew much about my father's side- except for the fact that he had family and that a good number of them were some shade of crazy. I've only met part of that family twice in twenty years.

My mother's side is much more known to me though- and I think its nice to say that its very good to get this bit off my chest because we had a memorial for one of my uncles a few weeks back and I got to see all my family on that side until the next time someone kicks the bucket.

Probably still going to be me kicking that bucket soon so probably going to be the last time- and it doesn't help that I like my cousins more than their parents. Because they are okay to be around- the ponies my mom's age- or older are just awful fucking ponies. Homophobic, slightly racist, bossy people that I don't remember being so absolutely awful.

My mom was the second youngest of seven kids that lived in a suburb of Canterlot. Her dad was part of the pegasus rescue team that kept the city safe from fires and whatnot. Her mother was the type of female pony that took care of the home. Nothing of note happened in her early life- marriages of her sisters that were a decade older than her were happy occurrences for the family. She did have one younger sister as well named Bright Eyes- I don't know much about her.

That's because she died really young.

From what I can gather from my family's talk about her it happened when a routine checkup at the dentist turned sad. The dentist started the laughing gas shit that normally knocked out ponies and for some reason left the thing on by accident. He left the room to answer a phone call or some shit it was fifty years ago- I have no clue what he was doing- probably fucking his assistant. When he returned my mom's sister was dead.

She doesn't talk about it much. I think it destroyed my mom's family for a really long time. I just wonder what she would have been like as an aunt. She could have been cool but I don't know.

I think my grandparents and mom moved a few years after that to Appleloosa and she ended her schooling there, There's not much to say about my mom's early life because A. it didn't involve me and B. she got married right out of highschool.

Fast forward through the years of my siblings growing up and doing shit, getting married and whatnot and getting families of their own.

Now mu mom is a great pony to a lot of things- she was a Council Member of Ponyville for a bit because even in her state of destroying the Town Hall- the town liked her metaphor for what she would do when she got elected. That was a fun few years where she actually was liked around town for changing things- yet disliked for speaking her mind. She had gone to community college when my brother was little and she took a argumentation class and did well in it. Ponies were always surprised when she could debate them just fine since they saw her as not a threat.

But even that came to an end and she went back to working her day job- dad had just died an we had almost went bankrupt with how he spent his money so wastefully in the last few months.

My mom always liked helping others feel better about themselves- even when that usually made her kids feel worse about themselves. If she sees a person sitting alone eating dinner, she approaches them and leaves us alone. She can talk to cashiers for twenty minutes while we wait outside to go home, She vaguely hits on anything that moves.

She's been with ten stallions in as many years. I don't remember most of their names but most turned on her and were terrible people. Clearly her family saw this and she did nothing. One of them almost drew a gun on Sparkler when we ordered him to move out of our house. Another was a literal freeloader who only did as much as we told him to do- or less- and didn't help at all when my mom moved to her new house. He threatened to sue her.

One died in her hooves. He had a heart attack on a hot day and didn't call the hospital and called my mom to have he fly over and pick him up. He died right as she got there.

I don't feel comfortable talking about her boyfriends outside of vague stallion number whatever the fuck because I don't know how my mom deals with having so many failed relationships.

I think I learned that from her because I think she's afraid of dying alone.

I am afraid of being alone. Alone with my thoughts. I try to joke about all the bad things that happened to me- but I know I don't actually deserve to have a healthy relationship. Getting raped can do some weird shit to your outlook. Screwball and me didn't work out partially because college schedules fucked me over. I did too much. I thought I could have it all. I was trying to not continue hearing from my siblings how their schooling was different and that I was literally wasting my time and how could I fail classes when I had fourteen credits and Cloudkicker had twenty eight. Sparkler said shit too- but it took her a decade for her to do anything meaningful with her life and I think she almost scammed one of my mom's friends out of twenty thousand bits as a loan for a business venture that went nowhere. My mom's friend wised up and told her that she needed to actually pay back the free will loan cause losing 20k on a business venture was fucking a lot of money.

Also back onto the topic of Screwball's and my failed relationship. She wanted it and tried her hardest. I was just terrified. Maybe I jumped into a relationship too fast after cutting ties with Diamond. It had only been seven months since our last rape session where I said this wouldn't work. I was twenty. And Screwball appeared out of the blue. I was afraid that even the best relationship would get fucked up because that's what happened before her. Or that maybe it was just a joke. I couldn't have someone like me for me. The real me is useless and a cripple and a rape victim that couldn't say anything now because statute of limitations or something- or that rape goes unreported because of the societal flaws of seeing victims as creating tales to get attention. Either way I was too cautious and external factors caused the split.

I really wished it could have worked. That was the happiest seven months of my life.

I'm still jacking off to Screwball in my head even though I know she might be bad for me. She said that outright. I've heard it. I know. But a part of me doesn't care. I've been through getting raped. I have no shame in being in an abusive relationship. I have no feelings of happiness or joy outside of the faintest twinges of that. Otherwise I just want to slit my wrists when I can't hide my insecurities beneath being a slut and addicted to a pony.

I know I can't sustain this course of action but I don't get a break from anything. I break it off with my rapist? I learn that I can't do much of anything about my disability and that the doctors were lying when they said I'd outgrow it since the main problem is in my head? I then have to drop out of school for a semester because of surgery? I get a girlfriend and she dumps me for another pony n her harem? Cloudkicker has been here in my mom's house five of the last seven days? Sparkler is a bitch? School is shit?

I don't get a break. There's me just drowning slowly as my life gets worse and worse. I use sex and alcohol to dull the pain. I'm sort of just a viper sucking all the life out of something until I die.

My mom can't bring her boyfriends near Sparkler's kids. Sparkler and Big Mac the wheel of misfortune/ the dating shame that is my mom's dating life brings creeps so she can't bring any of them to the house or she gets disowned from seeing the kids. Her grandkids.

My mom and Sparkler never see eye to eye and Cloudkicker and Thunderlane fight all the time.

I've seen my mom cry. You know the feeling of seeing your mom break down and cry about how she pretty much has to have failed somewhere if Sparkler is a pompous bitch and Cloudkicker's marriage is always a thousand bits away from a divorce lawyer. It was after Sparkler yet again ruined Heartswarming Day dinner because of her anger issues. Everypony left- me with my mom and Cloudkicker with her family unit. The snow was falling sort of light on a cold day and we were ambling in the woods near our house and my mom just stops in the middle of the road and starts sobbing about how she failed as a mother. But she had me to fix her mistake- I was always the perfect child.

Besides the fact that I had drank underage, been raped for seven years so as to have a fearful idea of giving my all to relationships, smoked pot four times and had plans to kill myself.

But yeah I was the perfect child.

That killed me inside.

The only other time she cried in font of me was when she had a few drinks a few weeks back at the memorial and my two sisters ragged on her because she never drank so in their eyes she didn't deserve to drink and enjoy herself because that was not their idea of how she looked to them.

Also we were staying with Cloudkicker and Thunderlane in a house because it wasn't in Ponyville and was vacation. We all were at each other's throats for everything and after a while of that- four or five days- my mom said that we: her, me, and Vinyl who she invited on the trip, would be leaving before the week long memorial was over. Probably didn't help that Sparkler said that Ditzy and Time Turner never helped her pay for anything and that she was a self made mare. Also she had a bit that 'if ponies were unhappy at their dead end jobs they should just go and find a new one'

Sparkler didn't realize that in her dream world logic that she had worked at dead end jobs and that if she didn't scam people out of their money and have dad's old business contacts she'd be shit out of luck since she went to the University of Phoenixes and got a degree that isn't always accepted in her line of work.

Reality man.

We left and yet again its funny that I'm my mom's last hope.

I think she forgets that I came out to her and said I was bisexual. And that while I was bisexual- I preferred stallions.

She always says how much she prays for me to have a good wife. I don't want a wife, I want to be the wife. I know I will have a good wife- I'll be it.

I told her after I got tired of one of her friends- who was like seventy- kept continually using bad terms when it came to gay marriage and I finally just snapped after they left and told my mom that I was bisexual.

I would have done it sooner but Screwball broke up with me- Hearts and Hooves day was the worst ever. The day after I saw my family and was just numb. I was going to say right then and there because my Hearts and Hooves Day gift to Screwball was that I was going to say I loved her. That worked out as much as I expected when she said for the last week that I was going to hate her and she broke it off the day before Hearts and Hooves Day. That was the worst eight hours of crying I did in my life- I didn't sleep at all and didn't go to any of my classes because how do you focus on homework when you get destroyed like that. I just didn't care what would happen. And I bombed my semester grades partly because of that. I just stopped caring.

Maybe I could have fixed that but looking back I said that I loved her in my own way- I just didn't use the words I love you. I just tried to be there. Maybe it would have worked out better if I never took that secretary position in my sorority since that ate up so much time.

I just hate that I had dreams of me finally liking myself with Screwball being there- and she knew that it wouldn't have ever worked. But that's me I guess. I'd much rather live in a fantasy world where nobody can hurt me and not see the truth that I am trying to use abusive or sex filled relationships to fill a hole in my heart that I just can't fix.

Author's Note

And you, of the tender years, can't know the fears that your elders grew by,

Contestant number three come on down