Freedom. Its a great idea for the suffocating mare that has an overbearing family. You get away from the ponies that are always on your case about something- and getting away from my highschool was great especially after I got my diploma right after I had surgery the second to last time ever- so there's that. That was an awkward two minutes of my life and I don't know where I put my diploma now- and my mom never took pictures of it- yet again don't have a record of existing. I only have an album of baby pictures- one, while my siblings have like ten heavy fuckers.

I just vaguely exist. I know I could kill myself and people might miss me- but since the only people that make me happy is Jonquil, my niece who can still get on my nerves- and Screwball who I've been dumped by and yet I still have wet dreams over. Even though we have never been in the same room, I still get so horny when she talks to me.

I might feel bad but if I had to off myself soon, I'd only feel bad for them. One, because Jonquil is three and a good age at remembering me- my other nieces are mostly all older, but they are possessed by Tirek and outright terrible to me for being five. So fuck their little faces cause I don't fucking care if I hurt them. After I got throatpunched by one of them I don't even want to be in the same room as their uncontrollable selves.

And Screwball, I really wished we could have worked out. I wish that every day. I'll miss you and your cute self. Not because you think that you're cute but you treated me like a human being. I'm sorry I thought you were a male when we met. I didn't care either way what sex you were as long as you didn't treat me like a pariah outcast. If you treat me like a person and not a joke- I'll love you even if you continually say how much you don't deserve shit and you're going to be dead anyway and that you have a harem like an anime character.

Even if I died, I'd still find a way to do something there.

Just wanted to put that in there so if I woke up and went 'I'm going to kill myself in a few hours' I got the goodbyes in spirit out of the way. Cause Screwball might be saying that she has a shelf life of three more years- I don't think I have that. I don't see anything and I try to hide my complete and utter fear that envelops me at how easy I could fuck off and die. My grades are shit- I lost important files for my sorority since I am the secretary and I'm awful at computers. Like I fuck up everything I touch so why not drown my sorrows in alcohol and sex. I mean I thought I would off myself before school started just so I wouldn't have to go back and get outright roasted for getting shit grades and being an outright failure. I'm a failure at everything. I have no skills- I'll never get skills. Why don't I slit my wrists and die?

Its just getting so hard to separate my mind and suicidal thoughts as this semester draws closer to school. I thought Mare Mare Mare- the sorority I joined would be a welcome respite of complete trash that my homelife has become. It was good overall. I mean I felt like I fit in at first- they are welcoming for me being a cripple and unable to do much. But then the ways to recruit people are either A. Talk to ponies like a natural person or B. Play SPORTS or video games. I'm okay at the video games part- but I don't know how to talk to ponies thanks to my complete and total social anxiety and natural quietness. I think getting raped for so long made something inside me break and now I'm incapable to do anything ponies do. Talking to them terrifies me since personal space and loyalty is sacred to me. Why not- I got raped by my highschool friends and my college friends think gay jokes are funny affairs. Mare jokes are bad but gay jokes are comedy. I think its our society having a scapegoat for acceptable humor- mares got empowered and stallions got scared of being called sexist so they moved to hitting the gay stereotypes and jokes hard.

They aren't terrible ponies- just misguided.

I am drowning in school- it took me until the last week of June to sign up for classes. Cause my school sucks with signing up for that shit.

I killed my GPA and I can't complete my foreign language major in time so I have to drop that soon.

I lost the documents that told me how to do my job being a secretary of my sorority and now that makes me have panic attacks if I fuck up there- I fucked up so I get defensive whenever they question me. I shouldn't have said I'd do it. I'm a terrible leader in bad situations- why did I say yes. Why did Vinyl Scratch bow out of that race and endorse me? I realized that I'm a fuckup and I didn't expect anything. I don't know how anything works and I've been doing it for six months. Maybe I should kill myself. Our Alumni Adviser told us about a time a few decades back that somepony killed themselves in our sorority and everypony showed up and had a beautiful moment. I'd love to see that but someone has to die first. And maybe that's just me. That would be great. Fuck, I don't have anything to lose. My family is a selfish mass of ponies that now wonder why my mom hoards and spends money like she does. She wants to disown ponies and shit.

Its all a mess.

Maybe if I die I can save everypony and can fix everything. Everything can go back to when I didn't exist. I mean when I was born my family stopped being good ponies so fuck it I'll either destroy my family or save them.

And I don't want to face my problems. If I did that- I'll be criticized by everypony and with my borderline personality disorder I don't think that is healthy for me to always hear the negative.

I get no recognition if I do something good in my sorority. And that makes me want to say fuck you guys because you can't just do that- its like I try so hard and nothing. I can't catch a break. I miss one thing in meeting minutes and everypony calls me out for it. I use the wrong font. I don't do it in an orderly time frame- even when I can barely do homework and get four hours of sleep a night- I can never win. So what if I lost the how to manual on how to do my job- I hated it from day one since they think writing shit was easy.

Its not and you fucks don't even say nice things.

This is why I drink so much when I do- a third a bottle of vodka was my first time with alcohol. I was nineteen and it was highly illegal. I don't remember any of it- except that I do.

I drank it because I felt worthless. The first semester at college was awful. I knew nopony and when I joined the sorority I told nopony that I also had a cock. So I got super wasted and started hitting on anything that moved. And I was so happy. I was so happy.

Only I wasn't.

You never truly get away from the pain of being a terrible pony- you just mask it with a poison. Buying things to fill a hole in your heart, sex, booze, drugs. I've tried everything- the weak stuff like marijuana but still drugs. Also I did morphine once but that was for surgery- that fucks you up and I felt like an addict when I got off of it after the stuff was over.

I have a high tolerance for alcohol. I've drank bottles of wine, that one time I did vodka, and I do shots of alcohol like movie producers do cocaine. But I either become an insatiable sex fiend or a crying mess.

There's no inbetween.

Pot just makes me hungry and look at clouds like I saw the meaning of the universe and make me sleepy. One out of ten wouldn't recommend.

I don't like my school. I had to take a semester off a while back. It sucked more than you'd ever know- it makes you feel like you are a non living being and that everypony else is having the time of your lives.

I hate my school and like my home- it has now become a prison.

Author's Note

I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.