On the Edge of Christianity

Half an hour passed while more and more old men took their seats. The speakers around the stage poured out infernal modern music which the musical clique could hardly endure. They tired relentlessly, though when the music finally stopped they huffed a sigh of miraculous relief.

A man in white robes stepped up to the front of the stage with two men following him behind, handing him a microphone which he then tapped on. No sound came from the speakers. The technicians moved back as he tapped the microphone again before speaking into it. “Hello?” No sound came from the speakers, but the babbling audience began to settle.

The technician gave a thumbs up from behind the stage. That was Steve Jobs, the only local technician. He was turning Heaven a profit.

“Hello?” Finally the voice came through the speakers, a deep, masculine voice. “Ah, here we go.”

“Who’s that?” Twine asked. She stared at the man’s long brown hair, and staggering facial hair, thicker than pubic hair! The sight of this man was astonishing, the purple porny couldn’t hold back her lustful affection, which she immediately ignored because she didn’t have the effort to acknowledge her desires.

Celestia glared at the man with disgust. “That’s-“

“Big Man JC!” Shouted a voice. The audience chuckled lightly.

Big Man JC groaned. “Yes, alright, it was funny once.” He continued to conduct the conference, speaking with a deep and seductive tone, of course. “I’m Big Man JC, Jesus Christ, the one and only true son of our holy lord God. Recent news: The Thalmor are proceeding to weaken divine worship with their attacks on Zenithar, kudos to them. Atheism is bending praise on earth and pissing off thousands. Finally…” He paused, gazing off into the audience and recognising the contrast between men in suits and two ponies idly watching. He pointed to them, squinting. “You two stick out like a sore thumb.”

Immediately Celestia slammed her face into her hoof.

“I told you.” Kant smirked.

Jesus continued. “Have I spoken to you two before?”

Celestia gulped, realising that she’d finally been noticed. Once Big Man JC was onto you at a convention… you’d best not be in control of a nation which challenged his ideals.

Jesus smiled. “Perhaps you’re new. It’s nice to meet you.”

The alicorn stuttered, an event unheard of in Equestria. “I just… yeah, nice to… meet… you…” She could barely hold herself together, much to the surprise of purple face beside her. “I’m Celestia… here’s my apprentice, Twi… err… Twilight Sparkle.”

Big Man JC stroked his sexy beard. “I see. Aren’t you two from… Equestria, was it?” Celestia nodded nervously. “I remember that… I was outraged to see a feminist atheist nation run by ponies!”

The goddess began shaking. The leader of a rebellious nation is usually bogged down to that of a lesser subject while followers of a Christian regime are given top priority. She was currently facing that fate.

But suddenly… much to Cel’s delight, her protégé stepped in to defend her leader. “A nation which doesn’t follow your ideals? What’s wrong with that?”

Jesus was displeased. “Dear Celestia, keep your apprentice muzzled would you?”

The audience was silent, listening with interest. Twilo continued. “No, tell me, why does the ethical system of a world which isn’t yours matter to you?”

“Because I’m your dictator, the son of you creator.” JC argued.

Twilight frowned. “There’s no obligation for anyone in this room to follow your demands.”

“So? That’s hardly relevant. Pretty purple pony, do you know who you’re talking to?”

Twilight nodded.

“In that case you should know how the system works. I’m Big Man JC, son of big man God, and that makes me indisputably superior.”

Twifessor was ready to spot inconsistencies. “You’re the symbol of a religion based around love and freedom. Isn’t it hypocritical to insist you insert your bulging dick into another nation’s faith?”

Jesus’ eyes widened. “It’s nothing about business, its divine law, and natural law. We can’t have anyone forgetting the respect I deserve, therefore I can demand whatever obligations I want.” He crossed his arms.

Twilly stamped a hoof down in arrogance. “You can’t go around claiming that one being is superior over an entire nation just because of their roots!”

“Err… yeah I can, I’m Jesus.”

“What does it take to make you see logic?!”

“Me and dad, we made logic, without us you wouldn’t have logic, free will or the intelligence to be debating this right now.”

“But in that case your logic is paper thin!”

The J-Man smirked viciously. “I’d say it’s more like Kevlar. Easily twisted and impossible to rip apart.”

When all seemed lost to the poor ponies, Kant stepped in, ready to attack J-Man at his weak spot. “With all due respect Jesus, wouldn’t you say it’s rather hopeless to remain attached to your primitive expectation that all civilisation should look up to you?”

“What?” Jesus blurted, feeling suddenly offended by the word of Kant. “I’m Jesus, it’s a rule embedded in nature that I should be praised.”

“I’m not so sure.” Kant argued, crossing his legs. “I mean, how can you expect all nations to worship you when earth is having a hard enough time believing that you and your dad even exist?”

Jesus waved the attempt aside. “That’s irrelevant. Lack of faith is just what’s expected of foolish creatures. They’ll get what’s coming to them.”

Kant was relentless to support his argument further. “I’m just saying. We’ve had the cosmological argument, the ontological argument and most prominently, the teleological argument. All seemed reasonable by your standards, yet humans just don’t bow down to your divinity still. Hell, even I made an argument for your existence.” The room gasped at use of the ‘h’ word, an obnoxious sign in a philosophical debate.

A drop of sweat fell from JC’s forehead. He was progressively being backed into a corner as Kant’s flawless logic shifted into place. His own existence was defined a fallacy on earth. Furthermore, it was fictional in Equestria, no deity existed beyond Celestia, which was inadvertently the subject of debate.

“Yet the whole of humanity is slipping away into disbelief, and that’s because this movement has barely made a difference.” Kant metaphorically spat on the whole conference. He took Big Man JC down through exposing the lack of faith humanity had in the teachings of Christianity. “We can hardly force other worlds into our domain when we can’t even retain the allegiance of our own.”

“Kant!” Jesus responded angrily. “Don’t challenge me!”

Kant smiled, “there’s hardly anything wrong with letting a world dictated by a few princesses work in harmony. It’s not like it isn’t succeeding. The satisfaction rate in Equestria is more than twice ours.”

“But it’s immoral!” Jesus whined.

Twil stepped back into the debate. “Not by our standards.”

“My standards are your standards. We created you.”

The purple porny continued. “We’re ponies, not humans. Nowhere in the Bible did it say ‘ponies must obey’.”

“Have you even read the Bible?” Kant queried.

“Eh… probably.” Twilight muttered. “I’ve read a lot of books.”

The big man sighed, regretfully admitting defeat to the logic which challenged him. He had to admit, with Heaven’s overpopulation issues he was easily outnumbered whenever Kant’s logic arose, and new law dictated that they must do the greatest good for the greatest number. In this case, the pornies of Equestria were let off. Besides, did it really matter?

The two ponies left the company of Kant, removing the ‘logic’ perk from Twilight’s arsenal. They bid him farewell, thanking him for saving Equestria from the fate of missionaries and posters and leaflets.

Equestria’s saviour shook the hooves of Equestria’s princesses and waved goodbye. Upon that moment they were instantly teleported into one unexpected place: Sweet Apple Acres.

“Damn…” Celery cursed. “Never tab complete ‘apple’, there’s a lot of them.” She dashed off to Canterlot while Twilight was left in the orchard, standing up after the crash of falling upon tp.

Applejack stared in confusion. “What the-“

“AJ, we just saved Equestria.” Twilight cheered with enthusiasm.

The farmer was completely confused… “How?”

Twilight took a devious trot of joy with pride of what she had accomplished while in the company of her new friend. She was remarkably erratic, portraying more contentment than ever before. Finally she walked away nebulously, responding with one final word...

“Kant.”

The end