Krieg's Little Land-Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofuby KamiyaItsunoChaptersKrieg's grand entranceTHIS CHAPTER IS JAR-JAR!HEY LOOK, THE STUFF YOU CAME TO SEEI wrote this and I don't regret it!Krieg's grand entranceSo you want to hear about the adventures of your favorite vault hunters after the events of Pandora? Well, here is Krieg, take it or leave it. Equestria, a peaceful land, practically isolated from the rest of the universe. So beautiful, so civilized, so goddamn BORING. Naturally, due to this, little to no adventurers went there. However, this is what made this 1940’s Disney planet, the ultimate hiding spot for a vault hidden in plain sight and the land’s desire to protect it at all cost. ”Well, that’s just fantastic. After barely surviving an entire planet of anarchy and monsters. You decide that enough bullets haven’t flown and now you’re going to all but destroy a planet. At least don’t scream things about meat this time, Psycho-boy.” As Krieg got on board what was probably the most primitive train he had been on in his life, his eyes shifted under his gas mask from side to side, listening to the inevitable reactions to his attire. “What is with the metal things over it’s pants? Wait, are those weapons it’s carrying!?” “No feathers, no fur, AND not even wearing a shirt, how uncivilized!” “Why is it’s mane spiked up like that?” Krieg merely sighed in thought, knowing that this was the treatment he’d get from whatever wasn't going to try and shoot him. Suddenly he felt a vibration on his chest. He looked down to see his ECHO communicator was receiving a call. All of the other vault hunters went to different planets for different treasure. He knew that they’d only call him for one reason and ONE reason alone. He pressed the button, almost immediately regretting doing so as he heard a female voice speaking on his earpiece. “Hey, Krieg. It’s Maya, I know I told you this before you left, but I felt an urge to reiterate. According to the intel acquired by Gaige and Zer0, this planet was probably the stupidest place for Axton to assign you to. It isn’t used to our ‘run and gun’ style of doing things, one wrong move and you could put a bounty on your head bigger than the one that Jack put on all 5 off us.”, the voice hesitated, thinking of how she could best make him follow through on this request. “So, if not for the sake of this planet, then for the lack of New-U stations. Try not to act TOO crazy” Okay, one of your only friends just gave you the key to surviving this place. Just take a deep breath, and answer her in a tone that won’t traumatize those around you. Following his brain’s advice, Krieg took a deep breath before hitting the speak button “I’ll behave myself like a good monkey for a lollipop!”, the deranged vault hunter screamed at the top of his lungs. Everyone in the train immediately turned their heads towards him. All of them with sheer looks of terror on their face at the sudden outbursts from the mysterious biped. You just have to make things harder for both of us, don’t you? A unicorn in a red vest slowly trotted up to him, cautiously putting his hoof on the beast’s shoulder. “Sir, I’m going to have to request you calm down.”, he said, almost afraid of the outcome of these words. I know what you’re thinking. He told you what to do, and now you want to strangle him with his own intestines. Listen, I know how much you love ignoring my advice, but for God’s sake, first impressions are everything, and personally, I would prefer if our body lacks fucking laser holes from unicorn beams. Krieg carefully considered what his brain had just told him. He needed to show these creatures he was not the enemy. “I need to find some doves!”, he gleefully shouted, he held his buzz-axe into the air before thrusting it to the side, shattering the window at his seat. He ungracefully yet swiftly leaped out of the moving vehicle and tumbled down the mountain below. You dumb-ass. Shining Armor just stood in awe, marveling at this creature's reaction to his request. It was not only something so insane that it made Discord look like a therapist, but the creature had held a weapon into the air, and yet he still couldn't tell if it was threatening him or not. He turned to his wife who seemed to be blankly staring. "Cadence?" Suddenly snapping out of her practically unconscious trance at his voice, Cadence knew what he was going to ask. “ First, I have no idea.”, she said blankly, still staring at the destroyed window. “Second, how many reinforcements do you want?” Krieg slowly opened his eyes. Only to notice that the area he was in was pitch black. Well, look at what you’ve gotten us into now. You’re too tired to move and you fell from a moving train, at least last time, we could blame Jack. He couldn’t make out his surroundings, but three things were already clear. He was in a dark, cramped area, most likely some form of prison. Outside of the prison, there were buzzing noises, if they took his axe, after he killed them, he would tell their moms on them. Finally, the gooey substance he was cramped up against was kind of like a spa, it was relaxing. He teleported his buzz-axe into his hand, and cut his way out of the spa-thingy. Now that he could see, he noticed that his spa-bed was a cocoon, that was a nice theme, but he hated butterflies for lying about being made of butter. He looked around what he could now make out to be a cave. There were multiple bug-like winged unicorns in the area, They were made of moldy cheese, and were about the size of kittens. At the site of him, they immediately started to growl, multiple groups taking different formations to charge at him. Well, you’ve probably just got us into our first hostile encounter on this planet. Due to the lack of knowledge from the outside universe, they don’t have an official name yet. Go ahead, I legitimately want to see what you’ll come up with. “Land-Dolphins.”, Krieg growled. Nice one, genius. Okay, Rambo Lecter, according to your ECHO display, these things don't have shields, and according to common sense, they're fucking bugs. Just use a fire weapon and you should be able to- You aren't even listening, are you? The sane part of Krieg's brain sighed as he watched his body firing his rifle in every possible direction. "What In TARTARUS is that noise!?", a loud raspy voice echoed in the cave from behind Krieg, he turned around to meet eyes with a new, female land-dolphin, larger in size in comparison to the others. Upon seeing the dead bodies, she recoiled in fright, only to see Krieg and take her battle stance. "How dare you do this to my subjects!" CHRYSALIS CEO of The land-dolphins Ya know what? I give up. Just go kick her ass. Krieg, pleased to see his brain finally was proud of him, let out a loud cheer as he and Chrysalis charged at each other. Just as he lifted his buzz-axe to slam down upon her head, his vision was suddenly filled with a pink light. When Krieg woke up, he was no longer in the cave, rather on a train, different from the one he started his journey on. Strangely, visions of the pink wingy-corn (As Krieg liked to call them) started flashing in his eyes. "My first encounter with a vault-hunter. It's been thousands of years since people like you showed up. Even longer since a princess tried to save one.", she spoke in a manner that was the polar opposite of how she reacted on the train, her expressions seemed calm, yet excited. "Before you ask what happened, just know this, I got your journey back on track. It probably wouldn't look good on our record if the ponies of Equestria knew the princesses were helping someone who probably escaped death row on multiple occasions , so, just call me 'Aphrodite'." Oh shit, not this again. Krieg was already having flashbacks to the blue commercial lady/ "Either way, this is your stop. While probably not near as untamed, violent, and uncouth as you're used to. It's the closest town to your lifestyle that I could find where you wouldn't make allies with Diamond Dogs." Krieg raised an eyebrow under his goggles, with all of the ponies and things made of diamonds, this had to be Butt-Stallions birthplace. Aphrodite (let's just pretend her identity isn't already revealed) blinked, opening her mouth to ask, before realizing she didn't dare want to know what went on in his mind. She then decided to continue guiding him. ,"Look on third street to find 'Flim and Flam's Fabulous Fireworks'. Since they're con-men on everything but their own inventions, few ponies ever even go into their shop.", Krieg raised an eyebrow, why would she want him to get conned? Practically reading his mind, she explained. "Which is why I sent them samples of the guns on your personage to produce their own variants of the ammo, fitted to the Equestrian environment, to sell to you.", Aphrodite opened her mouth to explain further when suddenly Krieg's brain voice started speaking, cutting off her voice in his head. Before you ask why 'horse lady took my guns',Fitted to the environment and of the ammo, keep in mind that what is essentially your substitute for a water-squirter, is a dangerous weapon that most of the citizens here don't even know the existence of, and unless you are really good at conserving ammo, which we both know you aren't, this is the only way your ammo supply will last more than a few hours. Aphrodite, still a vision in Krieg's brain, smiled and nodded with a look of relief in her eyes. it was nice to know that at least one voice of reason existed in a mind where she heard countless stupid, violent, or just plain destructive ideas. "What you think is true, while Flim and Flam aren't the most honest businesscolts. They are better with this kind of machinery than Rube Goldbarn and Filly Hays combined.", She pointed Krieg to the sign through the miraculously undestroyed window. "Appleoosa, this is your stop. Don't fall for any of Flim and Flam's tricks!" Aphrodite then faded out as Krieg leaped off the train, through the door, thankfully enough. THIS CHAPTER IS JAR-JAR!Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you’ve been more behaved than usual. I would be afraid of jinxing us, but let’s be honest, even if I didn’t say that, it wouldn’t change the amount of trouble you’ll inevitably cause us. Krieg was enjoying his brain’s compliment until hearing that last remark. Stopping in his tracks, he opened his mouth to reply, before shrugging and realizing his brain was right. Either way, here’s the place, you heard what the pink bitch said, this is top secret. In other words, don’t yell your order into the heavens like you usually would. As soon as Krieg walked in the door, a bell chimed and 2 stallions popped out behind the counter. “Hello, brave adventurer. Welcome to our humble store!”, the one without the moustache exclaimed. Almost in perfect synchronization, the 2 of them leaped above the counter. As soon as the intro card disappeared, Flim and Flam galloped started to do a formal ye-old dance, as an automatic preset piano played in the background. Krieg’s brain took on a pleading, extremely desperate tone Oh god. Hey, listen, I know I told you not to make yourself look like a monster, but these guys are scam-artist, no one will miss them. So just this once, chainsaw them, shoot them, strangle them, anything to disable their vocal cords! Krieg on the other hand, was already caught mystified by the broadway number. The song was almost as rocking as Freddy Mercury’s hit disco song “Ridin Dirty”, perfect for breakdancing to. A few minutes later… in the hall of brain. “It was catchy, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was annoying as fuck”, Krieg’s normal sane-voice said. “I probably should have warned you they would do that, it’s kind of their thing.”, Aphrodite explained in a slightly amused tone, before thinking up a scapegoat. “Anyway, the ammo is being given, and now we owe these two a favor. Unfortunately, I can’t imagine they want anything simple.” Krieg sat on a table in the back of the shop. Across the table, 2 decks of cards were set. Flam quickly played down his cards and revealed his winning “Royal flush!”, he smirked. To which Krieg let out an arrogant chuckle. Krieg slammed his cards down on the table, revealing 5 random cards that didn’t even form a hand. “You activated my trap card! Fatality! This story is happy end!”, he screamed, completely oblivious to the rules of the game they were playing. Flam just blinked before realizing he needed to humor the customer. “Well played.”, he lied, immediately regaining his cool and calm composure. “Well well, bold adventurer, my brother and I have been talking, and boy do we have the job for you!”, Flim was still in the smooth-talking kiss-up mode that he used when Krieg first entered the shop. Flam immediately joined in on the act. “Superduper-California-fraggrenade-ballistic-experienced-insomiac-aquatic-doseof-Aspirin!”, Krieg attempted to join in the advertisement, completely breaking the rhyme scheme. Flim and Flam shot baffled looks at one another, returning to the speech right before Krieg could notice. “That’s right!”, they lied in full sync. Flam immediately grabbed the drum the two of them used for dramatic build up. “That superb mission is…..”, he put emphasis on the last word, beating a drum for a good five seconds before Flim made the dramatic reveal. “Saving the mare known as Applejack!”, as soon as the sentence finished coming out of Flim’s mouth. A vision of Aphrodite immediately flashed in Krieg’s eyes. “What!?” If you’re afraid of the damage he’ll cause on a rescue mission, you should see how much he destroys on stealth missions. This should be interesting. Flim cleared his throat, his ego practically shattered from the words that he just uttered. “The story goes down like this, Applejack is a pain in our flanks, naturally, this made us the main suspects in her disappearance a few days ago. Nopony else with the resources holds any actual grudge against her.”, he grumbled some profanities under his breath. any actual grudge against her.”, he grumbled some profanities under his breath. “Therefore, due to lack of suspects, we would be wrongfully accused of a crime we didn’t commit.”, Flam mourned in an over-dramatic theatre-voice. “However, lady luck was on our side when your informant sent us a piece of evidence that proves we aren’t the only ones with a motive!”, Flim cheered. He levitated up Krieg’s rifle, covered in land-dolphin blood.. “So if you go back there, and reveal the possibility of her being held captive, we can prove our innocence, and you can be a hero!”, Flim was practically beaming with excitement. Meanwhile, in the hall of brain. Well, should we take the deal or not? “As much as I hate to admit it, yes, Flim and Flam honestly have a point. Unfortunately, either we end up revealing the changeling’s survival AND Krieg to all of Equestria, or end up revealing Krieg to the element of Honesty herself.” So, in other words, PR is gonna have one hell of a mess on their hands. “Tell Krieg to prepare, I’ll teleport him back to the mountain in due time.” And it was here, that Krieg’s adventure began. This is the story of a psychotic mercenary, and his partner, a goddamn horse. Krieg’s little Land Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofu: Book One: The Llama with the mango tattoo. HEY LOOK, THE STUFF YOU CAME TO SEEMeanwhile, in an area we just cut away to in an effort to add some lore/backstory to this fic. (The thoughts in this scene are that of our antagonist) “I knew it would happen, just not so soon.” Prince Shining Armor had just put out an arrest warrant for what he described as the most unstable creature he had seen in his life. The suspect had been described as a hairless diamond dog wearing a mask and standing at 5’4, notable traits about the creature were his loud voice and notable scent of what felt like a mix of blood and strawberries. “To think, all of the vault hunters they could send, and they chose a Psycho. After all I’ve been through, there’s no way I’m letting it get away this time.” Ages ago, a chapter of history forgotten. Flash was at the end of his journey, his fellow vault hunters had all been enslaved at the hands of the opponent before him. A tall, hairy sasquatch-gargoyle thing. “All of you, just, like my brother. You care nothing about the consequences of your actions, you look at the life on this world and act as though the power in it is more important, unlike my brother though, I give you a chance. A chance to redeem your-.”,the opponent was cut short by a powerful force brought upon on his jaw. “You just put my best friends in a bunch of cells to be guarded by something that will probably use them as squeaky toys. I don’t know about you, mr.Chupacabra, but that doesn’t sound like much of a deal.”, Flash looked his opponent in the eye, holding a handgun to his forehead before throwing it to the side. The creature raised an eyebrow at this. “You do not wish to have the advantage in this fight? I am twice your size, and your pride is twice mine.”, it questioned, before taking a more humble tone. “I honestly give you one more chance. I am aware the princess’s helped you with getting here, but you must understand, my people locked this away because it holds power beyond even our comprehension. Which is why I suggest you-”, this time the blow was to the stomach, then the jaw. Flash waited for his opponent to stand back up, before running at him full throttle and slamming him into the wall. “Listen buddy, I didn’t throw that away to boost myself. I did it to downplay you.”. Flash kneed the creatures stomach before backing away. “So here is how it’s gonna work, we’re gonna both stop spouting bullshit, and I’m gonna beat your ass so bad that the statue will feel the chaos from a mile away.”, Flash made eye contact with the beast, now running purely on a mixture of rage and adrenaline. “I see there is no convincing you, but I refuse to let you end up like him.”, the beast spoke in a low voice, a mixture of shame, regret, and a small hint of dedication towards sparing Flash, in his voice. He then raised his claws for battle. “Shove your exposition up your furry ass, Leeds.”, Flash growled, cracking his knuckles. “Fisticuffs." Present day, Changeling mountain cave “Ah’m telling ya, ya gosh dern varmit. Ah’ll find a way out of this cage, and then buck yer jaws right out of yer mouth!”, Applejack looked at her captor. There was no way they were gonna hold the element of Honesty captive. Chrysalis just looked back down at Applejack, her headache was still throbbing. “Honestly, after seeing the ruthlessness of that other creature. I honestly don’t think there is anything you can do that would harm us in comparison.”, Chrysalis flopped down on her bed, still trying to come up with what she was going to do with all of the sliced cocoons and charred corpses. Just then, a burning drone ran into the room. “Don’t tell me he’s-.”, Chrysalis began to speak. “McDonalds is a fine establishment!”, came a booming voice from across the hall. Chrysalis was now twitching. “What in tarnation is-”, Applejack was cut short as Chrysalis stomped out of the room. “goin’ on?” “Say hi to SANTA for me!”, , Krieg yelled as he pumped the last land-dolphin in the room full of lead. “YOU!”, a voice came from the other side of the room. Krieg turned to see the land-dolphins CEO was back. “Let’s end this pointless conflict.”, Krieg taunted as he held his buzzaxe at the monster. Chrysalis just face-hoofed before they charged at eachother. The horn and the axe slammed into one another at full throttle. Breaking the lock, Chrysalis head butted Krieg onto his back. Krieg got up with a back flip and threw his axe at her, his vision still blurry it flew right by her. She then proceeded to tackle him into her room, before slamming him to the ground. Scorpan’s body jolted with pain as he hit the ground. Despite Flash’s smaller muscles and lack of experience, his pure rage and hatred towards Scorpan had fueled him to the point where Flash was able to stand toe to toe with his opponent. He wiped the blood off of his mouth and barely managed to push himself onto his knees Turning around to see his nightmares come true. “NO!”, Scorpan was now begging in desperation. Everything he had done, stopping his brother, befriending the wizard, and helping restore the glory of Equestria, were all about to be in vain. Flash looked back. His opponent’s eye were beginning to shed tears, pleading for Flash to give up after all he had been through. “You lose. Deal with it.”, he smirked, holding up the small object in his hand. The Alicorn amulet, although it was already infamous on this world for corrupting the wearer, none of this world’s citizens knew of it’s true purpose, the true power it held as a mere key. “No.”, the monster continued to plead, it’s voice getting lower. He jammed it into the slot in the wall as the hieroglyphics started to glow. Flash smiled as the walls split in two, revealing a violet light. This was it, this was the day when his team would become legend. “No.”, the monster begged again, slowly taking an angry tone. Flash shot a shit-eating grin at his fallen foe one last time. “Sorry, buddy, but I got better things to do than take orders from a gargoyle with a hair disorder. Just go back to the mind of whatever 3rd grader that made you.”, Flash then turned around and began to walk towards the vault to retrieve his rightfully-deserved loot, only to find himself being levitated by some form of red energy. “It won’t end this way!.”, Flash was forcibly turned around to make eye contact with the beast whose rage now matched that of his own at the beginning of the fight. “Not again.” In an instant, the now paralyzed commando felt himself being thrust into the wall. Practically every bone in his body was being shattered, but that was nothing compared to the psychological torture he now experienced. He had just failed everyone he knew. -slam- His friends and teammates whom with the mutual promise of glory and riches was made, failed. -slam- His pregnant wife, whom he had promised he’d come back to help and raise their unborn son, failed. -slam- Himself, who he tricked into thinking his life of violence and greed would one day pay off, failed. -slam- He was dying alone, without even so much as something for the world to remember him by. No guns on him, no one on the other side of the ECHO, and the only worthwhile possession he had with him, was something he refused to let go. -thud- Flash fell to the ground, his body writhing in pain, his legs unable to move. He looked up at Scorpan, who despite winning, seemed to be ashamed of his supposed victory. Flash wasn’t going to fool himself anymore, he was dying, his opponent, who had dickishly imprisoned his fellow vault hunters, apparently respected him enough to let him die with dignity. He summoned up the strength in his (barely) functioning arm. to pull out his most prized possession. Ignoring the agonizing pain and excessive bleeding, just so he could get one final look at it. He got it back in basic training, and it had been a partner to him ever since. Every commando was empty without one. Barely managing to keep his eyes open, he got one final look at his sentry turret. His vision slowly started to fade. Krieg’s vision was fading, all he could see was the land-dolphin raising her horn to thrust into his chest, before she was knocked to the side. “Thanks for the help, pardner!”, he looked to the side to see an orange earth pony with a mango tattoo on its butt. A bit further behind her on the ground, he saw a lock in a perfect slice, which then lead him to see his buzz-axe lodged in the wall. That’s… convenient., Krieg’s head voice muttered. Krieg looked at his ECHO display to see his shield recharging. After his shield recharged, his ECHO automatically administered a pain-killer medicine. Leaping back onto his feet, Krieg hit a button on his glove, causing his axe to disintegrate and regenerate in his hand. He let out a battle cry, catching the attention of both the Land-Dolphin and the Oompony-loompony. “You fucking bitch.”,he pointed at the land-dolphin CEO. “You tackled me, brought me into your bedroom, and knocked me unconscious.” The psycho, now hyperventilating, leaped into the air and swung his buzz-axe at full throttle. “I’m a big boy! It’s too EARLY for bedtime!”, he screeched. Applejack stood there. It had happened so fast. She looked down in disbelief at the sight before her. The ground at her hooves were covered in green ooze. In front of her stood a psychopath, holding an axe covered in said substance. In between them, there lay the limp body of the changeling queen. To think, there I was, 300 years ago, dead. Yet here I stand, healthy, unscathed, and living the tame life of a goddamn horse. What the hell happened? I don't know. What I do know, is that I have a second chance at the vault, a chance to finish what I started. This time, I won't blow it. I wrote this and I don't regret it!Krieg stood there as Applejack slowly backed away, trembling in fear at the sight of him. “You know what? I’m not gonna scold you. I already did, I’ve been scolding you for this, because ever since we got here, I called this. It’s a never-ending pattern, you are given a simple task, you ignore any and all common sense, and then go on a murderous rampage. Unlike Pandora though, this time, you went and did it on a planet that wasn’t a total anarchy where you could get away with it. To add to that, we were supposed to keep ourselves a secret, judging by what the pink bitch said, the only way this chick won’t talk is if we kill her.”, Krieg raised his buzz axe at the mare. “We aren’t going to though.”, Krieg, against his will, lowered the weapon. “For years now, I’ve put up with watching you end countless lives without so much as a hint of regret. I was able to deal with that as those were all bandits and beast, killers, people who were already as immoral as us.”, the voice in his brain was starting to take a more serious tone. “Let me help you with that.” Applejack now stared at the confused creature in front of her. It almost looked like it was arguing with itself. Either way, she wasn’t gonna let the opportunity slip by, without the creature noticing, she took a few steps back, prepared to tackle the beast to the ground. Applejack’s vision immediately filled with pink. “P-Princess-”, Applejack was urgently cut off “Aphrodite.” “I’ve been spending too much time with Pinkie.”, Applejack shook her head in confusion. “So can I ask who this guy is?” “it’s like this.” One “boring explanation of stuff you already knew, but not the entire plot, because dramatic irony is awesome” later. “What have I gotten myself into?”, Applejack gulped and cautiously walked up to the psychopath in front of her. Krieg leaned up against Chrysalis’s bed-like rock and shrugged. Just then, the buzzing of what sounded like dozens of changelings, could be heard throughout the cave. Applejack immediately took a battle stance as Krieg nonchalantly pulled a Jakobs revolver out of his pocket. You see, this is why we should have tried finding an alternate route into the mountain instead of making one. “Please, don’t go all crazy this time.”, Applejack looked at Krieg with pleading eyes. “Let’s see him try!”, the first changeling ran in and grabbed onto Krieg while holding a makeshift incendiary device in it’’s mouth. Oh no, the sane voice in Krieg’s brain knew how this was going to end. “My death will ensure yours. Not one more of us will fall to you!”, the creature yelled before slamming it’’s head to Krieg’s chest. BOOM! Applejack stood there, surrounded by changelings. She didn’t even know what to think.. She still could hear the fire crackling. The explosion still rang in her ears. She closed her eyes as ten changelings leaped at her. She heard the loud bang of them slamming against her ten times, but felt nothing. She opened her eyes back up and gasped at the sight of ten dead buggy bodies. She immediately snapped her gaze towards her right at the sound of her new ‘friend’ who should’ve been dead. “I’m great for making burgers!”, Krieg shouted through the flames engulfing his body. He looked around, to see his new friend Rolling-Rock and the Land-Dolphins alike, with looks on their faces that were mixed with confusion and terror. He spun the revolver in his hand in a Wild West style. Run and gun, run and gun. Krieg smirked at his brain’s suggestion. “Krieg’s Litttle Land Dolphins will be right back after this message clears up the writers block.” “VARMINTS!”, Granny Smith yelled at the changelings swarming around her, as she threw her stupid Muzzle-loading Equestrian rifle on the ground. “This shit’s dun been obsolete since the 1700’s.” An awesome human in a blue button up shirt flew down from the heavens. “CRY FOR HELP AND I’LL ANSWER THE CALL!”, the man was none other than a hero of legend, known for his working products, suing Luna for plagiarism, and for having a beard that puts all other facial hair to shame. “Hi, Billy Mays here!” , The awesome dimension traveling salesman silently smiled at the camera to let the viewer take in the sheer awesomeness. He then silently started his pitch. “Are you tired of magic and shit? Ever just wanted to actually deal with monsters like someone who isn’t a pussy? Are you sick of pussies in other crossovers using magic powers to compensate for their small genitals?”, Billy nonchalantly turned a man with a pathetic beard in a helmet that made him look like damn cow sprinted towards him in an over-dramatic fashion. “FUS RO-”, the pathetic wanna-be viking was stopped mid-sentence. “NOPE!”, right as this word escaped Billy’s mouth. The wanna-be was sent flying with an unrelenting force. Billy then turned to the camera and gave a charming smile. “Fuck your dragons. I’m the OG!” “Let’s try this again!”, Billy was now standing in the ranch in front of a table surrounded by dead changelings. On top of the table, was a rifle that Billy picked up. “Billy Mays here, localizing the wonderful rifles of Jakobs to Equestria! I don’t even have to say anything for this one!”, the camera then panned over to Tirek's dead body. “Jakobs, go fucking buy one!” Back to the boring old story. Applejack and Krieg walked out of the now destroyed changeling kingdom. Now on their way to Zecora’s.
Krieg's grand entranceSo you want to hear about the adventures of your favorite vault hunters after the events of Pandora? Well, here is Krieg, take it or leave it. Equestria, a peaceful land, practically isolated from the rest of the universe. So beautiful, so civilized, so goddamn BORING. Naturally, due to this, little to no adventurers went there. However, this is what made this 1940’s Disney planet, the ultimate hiding spot for a vault hidden in plain sight and the land’s desire to protect it at all cost. ”Well, that’s just fantastic. After barely surviving an entire planet of anarchy and monsters. You decide that enough bullets haven’t flown and now you’re going to all but destroy a planet. At least don’t scream things about meat this time, Psycho-boy.” As Krieg got on board what was probably the most primitive train he had been on in his life, his eyes shifted under his gas mask from side to side, listening to the inevitable reactions to his attire. “What is with the metal things over it’s pants? Wait, are those weapons it’s carrying!?” “No feathers, no fur, AND not even wearing a shirt, how uncivilized!” “Why is it’s mane spiked up like that?” Krieg merely sighed in thought, knowing that this was the treatment he’d get from whatever wasn't going to try and shoot him. Suddenly he felt a vibration on his chest. He looked down to see his ECHO communicator was receiving a call. All of the other vault hunters went to different planets for different treasure. He knew that they’d only call him for one reason and ONE reason alone. He pressed the button, almost immediately regretting doing so as he heard a female voice speaking on his earpiece. “Hey, Krieg. It’s Maya, I know I told you this before you left, but I felt an urge to reiterate. According to the intel acquired by Gaige and Zer0, this planet was probably the stupidest place for Axton to assign you to. It isn’t used to our ‘run and gun’ style of doing things, one wrong move and you could put a bounty on your head bigger than the one that Jack put on all 5 off us.”, the voice hesitated, thinking of how she could best make him follow through on this request. “So, if not for the sake of this planet, then for the lack of New-U stations. Try not to act TOO crazy” Okay, one of your only friends just gave you the key to surviving this place. Just take a deep breath, and answer her in a tone that won’t traumatize those around you. Following his brain’s advice, Krieg took a deep breath before hitting the speak button “I’ll behave myself like a good monkey for a lollipop!”, the deranged vault hunter screamed at the top of his lungs. Everyone in the train immediately turned their heads towards him. All of them with sheer looks of terror on their face at the sudden outbursts from the mysterious biped. You just have to make things harder for both of us, don’t you? A unicorn in a red vest slowly trotted up to him, cautiously putting his hoof on the beast’s shoulder. “Sir, I’m going to have to request you calm down.”, he said, almost afraid of the outcome of these words. I know what you’re thinking. He told you what to do, and now you want to strangle him with his own intestines. Listen, I know how much you love ignoring my advice, but for God’s sake, first impressions are everything, and personally, I would prefer if our body lacks fucking laser holes from unicorn beams. Krieg carefully considered what his brain had just told him. He needed to show these creatures he was not the enemy. “I need to find some doves!”, he gleefully shouted, he held his buzz-axe into the air before thrusting it to the side, shattering the window at his seat. He ungracefully yet swiftly leaped out of the moving vehicle and tumbled down the mountain below. You dumb-ass. Shining Armor just stood in awe, marveling at this creature's reaction to his request. It was not only something so insane that it made Discord look like a therapist, but the creature had held a weapon into the air, and yet he still couldn't tell if it was threatening him or not. He turned to his wife who seemed to be blankly staring. "Cadence?" Suddenly snapping out of her practically unconscious trance at his voice, Cadence knew what he was going to ask. “ First, I have no idea.”, she said blankly, still staring at the destroyed window. “Second, how many reinforcements do you want?” Krieg slowly opened his eyes. Only to notice that the area he was in was pitch black. Well, look at what you’ve gotten us into now. You’re too tired to move and you fell from a moving train, at least last time, we could blame Jack. He couldn’t make out his surroundings, but three things were already clear. He was in a dark, cramped area, most likely some form of prison. Outside of the prison, there were buzzing noises, if they took his axe, after he killed them, he would tell their moms on them. Finally, the gooey substance he was cramped up against was kind of like a spa, it was relaxing. He teleported his buzz-axe into his hand, and cut his way out of the spa-thingy. Now that he could see, he noticed that his spa-bed was a cocoon, that was a nice theme, but he hated butterflies for lying about being made of butter. He looked around what he could now make out to be a cave. There were multiple bug-like winged unicorns in the area, They were made of moldy cheese, and were about the size of kittens. At the site of him, they immediately started to growl, multiple groups taking different formations to charge at him. Well, you’ve probably just got us into our first hostile encounter on this planet. Due to the lack of knowledge from the outside universe, they don’t have an official name yet. Go ahead, I legitimately want to see what you’ll come up with. “Land-Dolphins.”, Krieg growled. Nice one, genius. Okay, Rambo Lecter, according to your ECHO display, these things don't have shields, and according to common sense, they're fucking bugs. Just use a fire weapon and you should be able to- You aren't even listening, are you? The sane part of Krieg's brain sighed as he watched his body firing his rifle in every possible direction. "What In TARTARUS is that noise!?", a loud raspy voice echoed in the cave from behind Krieg, he turned around to meet eyes with a new, female land-dolphin, larger in size in comparison to the others. Upon seeing the dead bodies, she recoiled in fright, only to see Krieg and take her battle stance. "How dare you do this to my subjects!" CHRYSALIS CEO of The land-dolphins Ya know what? I give up. Just go kick her ass. Krieg, pleased to see his brain finally was proud of him, let out a loud cheer as he and Chrysalis charged at each other. Just as he lifted his buzz-axe to slam down upon her head, his vision was suddenly filled with a pink light. When Krieg woke up, he was no longer in the cave, rather on a train, different from the one he started his journey on. Strangely, visions of the pink wingy-corn (As Krieg liked to call them) started flashing in his eyes. "My first encounter with a vault-hunter. It's been thousands of years since people like you showed up. Even longer since a princess tried to save one.", she spoke in a manner that was the polar opposite of how she reacted on the train, her expressions seemed calm, yet excited. "Before you ask what happened, just know this, I got your journey back on track. It probably wouldn't look good on our record if the ponies of Equestria knew the princesses were helping someone who probably escaped death row on multiple occasions , so, just call me 'Aphrodite'." Oh shit, not this again. Krieg was already having flashbacks to the blue commercial lady/ "Either way, this is your stop. While probably not near as untamed, violent, and uncouth as you're used to. It's the closest town to your lifestyle that I could find where you wouldn't make allies with Diamond Dogs." Krieg raised an eyebrow under his goggles, with all of the ponies and things made of diamonds, this had to be Butt-Stallions birthplace. Aphrodite (let's just pretend her identity isn't already revealed) blinked, opening her mouth to ask, before realizing she didn't dare want to know what went on in his mind. She then decided to continue guiding him. ,"Look on third street to find 'Flim and Flam's Fabulous Fireworks'. Since they're con-men on everything but their own inventions, few ponies ever even go into their shop.", Krieg raised an eyebrow, why would she want him to get conned? Practically reading his mind, she explained. "Which is why I sent them samples of the guns on your personage to produce their own variants of the ammo, fitted to the Equestrian environment, to sell to you.", Aphrodite opened her mouth to explain further when suddenly Krieg's brain voice started speaking, cutting off her voice in his head. Before you ask why 'horse lady took my guns',Fitted to the environment and of the ammo, keep in mind that what is essentially your substitute for a water-squirter, is a dangerous weapon that most of the citizens here don't even know the existence of, and unless you are really good at conserving ammo, which we both know you aren't, this is the only way your ammo supply will last more than a few hours. Aphrodite, still a vision in Krieg's brain, smiled and nodded with a look of relief in her eyes. it was nice to know that at least one voice of reason existed in a mind where she heard countless stupid, violent, or just plain destructive ideas. "What you think is true, while Flim and Flam aren't the most honest businesscolts. They are better with this kind of machinery than Rube Goldbarn and Filly Hays combined.", She pointed Krieg to the sign through the miraculously undestroyed window. "Appleoosa, this is your stop. Don't fall for any of Flim and Flam's tricks!" Aphrodite then faded out as Krieg leaped off the train, through the door, thankfully enough.
THIS CHAPTER IS JAR-JAR!Well, as much as I hate to admit it, you’ve been more behaved than usual. I would be afraid of jinxing us, but let’s be honest, even if I didn’t say that, it wouldn’t change the amount of trouble you’ll inevitably cause us. Krieg was enjoying his brain’s compliment until hearing that last remark. Stopping in his tracks, he opened his mouth to reply, before shrugging and realizing his brain was right. Either way, here’s the place, you heard what the pink bitch said, this is top secret. In other words, don’t yell your order into the heavens like you usually would. As soon as Krieg walked in the door, a bell chimed and 2 stallions popped out behind the counter. “Hello, brave adventurer. Welcome to our humble store!”, the one without the moustache exclaimed. Almost in perfect synchronization, the 2 of them leaped above the counter. As soon as the intro card disappeared, Flim and Flam galloped started to do a formal ye-old dance, as an automatic preset piano played in the background. Krieg’s brain took on a pleading, extremely desperate tone Oh god. Hey, listen, I know I told you not to make yourself look like a monster, but these guys are scam-artist, no one will miss them. So just this once, chainsaw them, shoot them, strangle them, anything to disable their vocal cords! Krieg on the other hand, was already caught mystified by the broadway number. The song was almost as rocking as Freddy Mercury’s hit disco song “Ridin Dirty”, perfect for breakdancing to. A few minutes later… in the hall of brain. “It was catchy, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was annoying as fuck”, Krieg’s normal sane-voice said. “I probably should have warned you they would do that, it’s kind of their thing.”, Aphrodite explained in a slightly amused tone, before thinking up a scapegoat. “Anyway, the ammo is being given, and now we owe these two a favor. Unfortunately, I can’t imagine they want anything simple.” Krieg sat on a table in the back of the shop. Across the table, 2 decks of cards were set. Flam quickly played down his cards and revealed his winning “Royal flush!”, he smirked. To which Krieg let out an arrogant chuckle. Krieg slammed his cards down on the table, revealing 5 random cards that didn’t even form a hand. “You activated my trap card! Fatality! This story is happy end!”, he screamed, completely oblivious to the rules of the game they were playing. Flam just blinked before realizing he needed to humor the customer. “Well played.”, he lied, immediately regaining his cool and calm composure. “Well well, bold adventurer, my brother and I have been talking, and boy do we have the job for you!”, Flim was still in the smooth-talking kiss-up mode that he used when Krieg first entered the shop. Flam immediately joined in on the act. “Superduper-California-fraggrenade-ballistic-experienced-insomiac-aquatic-doseof-Aspirin!”, Krieg attempted to join in the advertisement, completely breaking the rhyme scheme. Flim and Flam shot baffled looks at one another, returning to the speech right before Krieg could notice. “That’s right!”, they lied in full sync. Flam immediately grabbed the drum the two of them used for dramatic build up. “That superb mission is…..”, he put emphasis on the last word, beating a drum for a good five seconds before Flim made the dramatic reveal. “Saving the mare known as Applejack!”, as soon as the sentence finished coming out of Flim’s mouth. A vision of Aphrodite immediately flashed in Krieg’s eyes. “What!?” If you’re afraid of the damage he’ll cause on a rescue mission, you should see how much he destroys on stealth missions. This should be interesting. Flim cleared his throat, his ego practically shattered from the words that he just uttered. “The story goes down like this, Applejack is a pain in our flanks, naturally, this made us the main suspects in her disappearance a few days ago. Nopony else with the resources holds any actual grudge against her.”, he grumbled some profanities under his breath. any actual grudge against her.”, he grumbled some profanities under his breath. “Therefore, due to lack of suspects, we would be wrongfully accused of a crime we didn’t commit.”, Flam mourned in an over-dramatic theatre-voice. “However, lady luck was on our side when your informant sent us a piece of evidence that proves we aren’t the only ones with a motive!”, Flim cheered. He levitated up Krieg’s rifle, covered in land-dolphin blood.. “So if you go back there, and reveal the possibility of her being held captive, we can prove our innocence, and you can be a hero!”, Flim was practically beaming with excitement. Meanwhile, in the hall of brain. Well, should we take the deal or not? “As much as I hate to admit it, yes, Flim and Flam honestly have a point. Unfortunately, either we end up revealing the changeling’s survival AND Krieg to all of Equestria, or end up revealing Krieg to the element of Honesty herself.” So, in other words, PR is gonna have one hell of a mess on their hands. “Tell Krieg to prepare, I’ll teleport him back to the mountain in due time.” And it was here, that Krieg’s adventure began. This is the story of a psychotic mercenary, and his partner, a goddamn horse. Krieg’s little Land Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofu: Book One: The Llama with the mango tattoo.
HEY LOOK, THE STUFF YOU CAME TO SEEMeanwhile, in an area we just cut away to in an effort to add some lore/backstory to this fic. (The thoughts in this scene are that of our antagonist) “I knew it would happen, just not so soon.” Prince Shining Armor had just put out an arrest warrant for what he described as the most unstable creature he had seen in his life. The suspect had been described as a hairless diamond dog wearing a mask and standing at 5’4, notable traits about the creature were his loud voice and notable scent of what felt like a mix of blood and strawberries. “To think, all of the vault hunters they could send, and they chose a Psycho. After all I’ve been through, there’s no way I’m letting it get away this time.” Ages ago, a chapter of history forgotten. Flash was at the end of his journey, his fellow vault hunters had all been enslaved at the hands of the opponent before him. A tall, hairy sasquatch-gargoyle thing. “All of you, just, like my brother. You care nothing about the consequences of your actions, you look at the life on this world and act as though the power in it is more important, unlike my brother though, I give you a chance. A chance to redeem your-.”,the opponent was cut short by a powerful force brought upon on his jaw. “You just put my best friends in a bunch of cells to be guarded by something that will probably use them as squeaky toys. I don’t know about you, mr.Chupacabra, but that doesn’t sound like much of a deal.”, Flash looked his opponent in the eye, holding a handgun to his forehead before throwing it to the side. The creature raised an eyebrow at this. “You do not wish to have the advantage in this fight? I am twice your size, and your pride is twice mine.”, it questioned, before taking a more humble tone. “I honestly give you one more chance. I am aware the princess’s helped you with getting here, but you must understand, my people locked this away because it holds power beyond even our comprehension. Which is why I suggest you-”, this time the blow was to the stomach, then the jaw. Flash waited for his opponent to stand back up, before running at him full throttle and slamming him into the wall. “Listen buddy, I didn’t throw that away to boost myself. I did it to downplay you.”. Flash kneed the creatures stomach before backing away. “So here is how it’s gonna work, we’re gonna both stop spouting bullshit, and I’m gonna beat your ass so bad that the statue will feel the chaos from a mile away.”, Flash made eye contact with the beast, now running purely on a mixture of rage and adrenaline. “I see there is no convincing you, but I refuse to let you end up like him.”, the beast spoke in a low voice, a mixture of shame, regret, and a small hint of dedication towards sparing Flash, in his voice. He then raised his claws for battle. “Shove your exposition up your furry ass, Leeds.”, Flash growled, cracking his knuckles. “Fisticuffs." Present day, Changeling mountain cave “Ah’m telling ya, ya gosh dern varmit. Ah’ll find a way out of this cage, and then buck yer jaws right out of yer mouth!”, Applejack looked at her captor. There was no way they were gonna hold the element of Honesty captive. Chrysalis just looked back down at Applejack, her headache was still throbbing. “Honestly, after seeing the ruthlessness of that other creature. I honestly don’t think there is anything you can do that would harm us in comparison.”, Chrysalis flopped down on her bed, still trying to come up with what she was going to do with all of the sliced cocoons and charred corpses. Just then, a burning drone ran into the room. “Don’t tell me he’s-.”, Chrysalis began to speak. “McDonalds is a fine establishment!”, came a booming voice from across the hall. Chrysalis was now twitching. “What in tarnation is-”, Applejack was cut short as Chrysalis stomped out of the room. “goin’ on?” “Say hi to SANTA for me!”, , Krieg yelled as he pumped the last land-dolphin in the room full of lead. “YOU!”, a voice came from the other side of the room. Krieg turned to see the land-dolphins CEO was back. “Let’s end this pointless conflict.”, Krieg taunted as he held his buzzaxe at the monster. Chrysalis just face-hoofed before they charged at eachother. The horn and the axe slammed into one another at full throttle. Breaking the lock, Chrysalis head butted Krieg onto his back. Krieg got up with a back flip and threw his axe at her, his vision still blurry it flew right by her. She then proceeded to tackle him into her room, before slamming him to the ground. Scorpan’s body jolted with pain as he hit the ground. Despite Flash’s smaller muscles and lack of experience, his pure rage and hatred towards Scorpan had fueled him to the point where Flash was able to stand toe to toe with his opponent. He wiped the blood off of his mouth and barely managed to push himself onto his knees Turning around to see his nightmares come true. “NO!”, Scorpan was now begging in desperation. Everything he had done, stopping his brother, befriending the wizard, and helping restore the glory of Equestria, were all about to be in vain. Flash looked back. His opponent’s eye were beginning to shed tears, pleading for Flash to give up after all he had been through. “You lose. Deal with it.”, he smirked, holding up the small object in his hand. The Alicorn amulet, although it was already infamous on this world for corrupting the wearer, none of this world’s citizens knew of it’s true purpose, the true power it held as a mere key. “No.”, the monster continued to plead, it’s voice getting lower. He jammed it into the slot in the wall as the hieroglyphics started to glow. Flash smiled as the walls split in two, revealing a violet light. This was it, this was the day when his team would become legend. “No.”, the monster begged again, slowly taking an angry tone. Flash shot a shit-eating grin at his fallen foe one last time. “Sorry, buddy, but I got better things to do than take orders from a gargoyle with a hair disorder. Just go back to the mind of whatever 3rd grader that made you.”, Flash then turned around and began to walk towards the vault to retrieve his rightfully-deserved loot, only to find himself being levitated by some form of red energy. “It won’t end this way!.”, Flash was forcibly turned around to make eye contact with the beast whose rage now matched that of his own at the beginning of the fight. “Not again.” In an instant, the now paralyzed commando felt himself being thrust into the wall. Practically every bone in his body was being shattered, but that was nothing compared to the psychological torture he now experienced. He had just failed everyone he knew. -slam- His friends and teammates whom with the mutual promise of glory and riches was made, failed. -slam- His pregnant wife, whom he had promised he’d come back to help and raise their unborn son, failed. -slam- Himself, who he tricked into thinking his life of violence and greed would one day pay off, failed. -slam- He was dying alone, without even so much as something for the world to remember him by. No guns on him, no one on the other side of the ECHO, and the only worthwhile possession he had with him, was something he refused to let go. -thud- Flash fell to the ground, his body writhing in pain, his legs unable to move. He looked up at Scorpan, who despite winning, seemed to be ashamed of his supposed victory. Flash wasn’t going to fool himself anymore, he was dying, his opponent, who had dickishly imprisoned his fellow vault hunters, apparently respected him enough to let him die with dignity. He summoned up the strength in his (barely) functioning arm. to pull out his most prized possession. Ignoring the agonizing pain and excessive bleeding, just so he could get one final look at it. He got it back in basic training, and it had been a partner to him ever since. Every commando was empty without one. Barely managing to keep his eyes open, he got one final look at his sentry turret. His vision slowly started to fade. Krieg’s vision was fading, all he could see was the land-dolphin raising her horn to thrust into his chest, before she was knocked to the side. “Thanks for the help, pardner!”, he looked to the side to see an orange earth pony with a mango tattoo on its butt. A bit further behind her on the ground, he saw a lock in a perfect slice, which then lead him to see his buzz-axe lodged in the wall. That’s… convenient., Krieg’s head voice muttered. Krieg looked at his ECHO display to see his shield recharging. After his shield recharged, his ECHO automatically administered a pain-killer medicine. Leaping back onto his feet, Krieg hit a button on his glove, causing his axe to disintegrate and regenerate in his hand. He let out a battle cry, catching the attention of both the Land-Dolphin and the Oompony-loompony. “You fucking bitch.”,he pointed at the land-dolphin CEO. “You tackled me, brought me into your bedroom, and knocked me unconscious.” The psycho, now hyperventilating, leaped into the air and swung his buzz-axe at full throttle. “I’m a big boy! It’s too EARLY for bedtime!”, he screeched. Applejack stood there. It had happened so fast. She looked down in disbelief at the sight before her. The ground at her hooves were covered in green ooze. In front of her stood a psychopath, holding an axe covered in said substance. In between them, there lay the limp body of the changeling queen. To think, there I was, 300 years ago, dead. Yet here I stand, healthy, unscathed, and living the tame life of a goddamn horse. What the hell happened? I don't know. What I do know, is that I have a second chance at the vault, a chance to finish what I started. This time, I won't blow it.
I wrote this and I don't regret it!Krieg stood there as Applejack slowly backed away, trembling in fear at the sight of him. “You know what? I’m not gonna scold you. I already did, I’ve been scolding you for this, because ever since we got here, I called this. It’s a never-ending pattern, you are given a simple task, you ignore any and all common sense, and then go on a murderous rampage. Unlike Pandora though, this time, you went and did it on a planet that wasn’t a total anarchy where you could get away with it. To add to that, we were supposed to keep ourselves a secret, judging by what the pink bitch said, the only way this chick won’t talk is if we kill her.”, Krieg raised his buzz axe at the mare. “We aren’t going to though.”, Krieg, against his will, lowered the weapon. “For years now, I’ve put up with watching you end countless lives without so much as a hint of regret. I was able to deal with that as those were all bandits and beast, killers, people who were already as immoral as us.”, the voice in his brain was starting to take a more serious tone. “Let me help you with that.” Applejack now stared at the confused creature in front of her. It almost looked like it was arguing with itself. Either way, she wasn’t gonna let the opportunity slip by, without the creature noticing, she took a few steps back, prepared to tackle the beast to the ground. Applejack’s vision immediately filled with pink. “P-Princess-”, Applejack was urgently cut off “Aphrodite.” “I’ve been spending too much time with Pinkie.”, Applejack shook her head in confusion. “So can I ask who this guy is?” “it’s like this.” One “boring explanation of stuff you already knew, but not the entire plot, because dramatic irony is awesome” later. “What have I gotten myself into?”, Applejack gulped and cautiously walked up to the psychopath in front of her. Krieg leaned up against Chrysalis’s bed-like rock and shrugged. Just then, the buzzing of what sounded like dozens of changelings, could be heard throughout the cave. Applejack immediately took a battle stance as Krieg nonchalantly pulled a Jakobs revolver out of his pocket. You see, this is why we should have tried finding an alternate route into the mountain instead of making one. “Please, don’t go all crazy this time.”, Applejack looked at Krieg with pleading eyes. “Let’s see him try!”, the first changeling ran in and grabbed onto Krieg while holding a makeshift incendiary device in it’’s mouth. Oh no, the sane voice in Krieg’s brain knew how this was going to end. “My death will ensure yours. Not one more of us will fall to you!”, the creature yelled before slamming it’’s head to Krieg’s chest. BOOM! Applejack stood there, surrounded by changelings. She didn’t even know what to think.. She still could hear the fire crackling. The explosion still rang in her ears. She closed her eyes as ten changelings leaped at her. She heard the loud bang of them slamming against her ten times, but felt nothing. She opened her eyes back up and gasped at the sight of ten dead buggy bodies. She immediately snapped her gaze towards her right at the sound of her new ‘friend’ who should’ve been dead. “I’m great for making burgers!”, Krieg shouted through the flames engulfing his body. He looked around, to see his new friend Rolling-Rock and the Land-Dolphins alike, with looks on their faces that were mixed with confusion and terror. He spun the revolver in his hand in a Wild West style. Run and gun, run and gun. Krieg smirked at his brain’s suggestion. “Krieg’s Litttle Land Dolphins will be right back after this message clears up the writers block.” “VARMINTS!”, Granny Smith yelled at the changelings swarming around her, as she threw her stupid Muzzle-loading Equestrian rifle on the ground. “This shit’s dun been obsolete since the 1700’s.” An awesome human in a blue button up shirt flew down from the heavens. “CRY FOR HELP AND I’LL ANSWER THE CALL!”, the man was none other than a hero of legend, known for his working products, suing Luna for plagiarism, and for having a beard that puts all other facial hair to shame. “Hi, Billy Mays here!” , The awesome dimension traveling salesman silently smiled at the camera to let the viewer take in the sheer awesomeness. He then silently started his pitch. “Are you tired of magic and shit? Ever just wanted to actually deal with monsters like someone who isn’t a pussy? Are you sick of pussies in other crossovers using magic powers to compensate for their small genitals?”, Billy nonchalantly turned a man with a pathetic beard in a helmet that made him look like damn cow sprinted towards him in an over-dramatic fashion. “FUS RO-”, the pathetic wanna-be viking was stopped mid-sentence. “NOPE!”, right as this word escaped Billy’s mouth. The wanna-be was sent flying with an unrelenting force. Billy then turned to the camera and gave a charming smile. “Fuck your dragons. I’m the OG!” “Let’s try this again!”, Billy was now standing in the ranch in front of a table surrounded by dead changelings. On top of the table, was a rifle that Billy picked up. “Billy Mays here, localizing the wonderful rifles of Jakobs to Equestria! I don’t even have to say anything for this one!”, the camera then panned over to Tirek's dead body. “Jakobs, go fucking buy one!” Back to the boring old story. Applejack and Krieg walked out of the now destroyed changeling kingdom. Now on their way to Zecora’s.
