Author's Note

So much for being 'less than 10K words'... heh. Octavia was by far the most requested pony, so I went and wrote an Octavia story.
I hope you guys enjoy it, I don't think I'll be writing during June, as there's my birthday right in the middle, and it always makes me feel like shit for a couple of weeks.

(I just turned 24, shit was not cash.)

I'll be updating CJ in Equestria though, probably once or twice before July. Oh well. I hope you guys enjoy ~~yet another stupid-~~ the fifth installment in my series of trademark nonsensical 15K+ words one-shots.

Symphonic Symphony

"Come on, Anon! Karaoke night! In Canterlot! How can you tell me that you're not excited?"

"I don't know. Probably just like that," I put on my best deadpan glare and cross my arms. "I'm not excited."

"Oh, come on..." the purple mare sighs and sits on the wooden floor, glaring at me.

"Twilight... I don't know anything about Equestrian music. I doubt you guys have one single song I ever heard. Seriously, why would you expect me to be excited? Why would I even want to go to a karaoke if there isn't going to be anything I can sing?"

"You don't have to sing, you know," she says, giving me a grin. "Plus, it's in the new Crystal Hotel that opened a few days ago! Princess Celestia told me that it was stunningly beautiful. I thought we could check it out, and spend some time together! And with other ponies, too... You hardly ever leave the house, you know? That's not healthy."

She's right, and we both know it, but it's not exactly like I care. Ever since I arrived in Equestria, I've been kind of a shut-in. I'm not really sure why, but it may have to do with the fact ponies tend to have strange attitudes, and equally strange customs... but either way, it's true, I tend to spend the majority of my time alone in my room, doing loner things. Which, in this technologically backwards world, means reading, and... little else.
There aren't many things to do in Equestria to begin with, even when you actually bother going outside.

Twilight Sparkle was kind enough to allow me to stay in her house a couple of days after my arrival here, but that's probably mainly, if not only because she has a major crush on me. I don't know why, and frankly I'm beyond caring. These days, my main preoccupation is to keep my distances from her. I know that having a three and a half foot tall purple pony stalking you and hitting on you doesn't sound too bad, but it's actually pretty creepy. Especially when said pony just won't take a hint, has the ability to fly, teleport and cast magic that would rival that of the gods.
Wait, do they have gods in Equestria? Do gods have magic? Are the princesses-

"Anon! Snap out of it!"

"What?" I jump and look around, my eyes eventually focusing on the mare standing in front of me. "I was... urgh. I don't even know. Look, why don't you just go without me? You have a lot of friends, just go with Rarity or something. Besides, I gotta finish reading Daring Do and the Jungle of-"

"That's not the problem, you simply need to go out! You need to meet ponies! You need to make friends..." she trails off, smiling bashfully at me. "And you need a marefriend," she adds, batting her eyelids.

"Yeah, no. Forget it, I'm not going."

She pouts and turns her head away, levitating a book from a nearby bookshelf. "Fine... suit yourself. Will you do me a favor then?"

"Uh... I guess?" I answer hesitantly. Twilight asking for a favor does not sound good, but I'm not sure she would take 'no' for an answer. Besides, I still owe her for letting me stay with her. Even though she's making my life hell with all her questions, her stalking and her pseudo rape attempts, it probably beats being homeless.

"There's this book I wanted to read, but it's... uh..." she looks around, trying to find what is probably going to be a stupid, half-assed excuse. "It's uh, it's written in, uh... human language?"

She doesn't even believe in that one herself, does she?

"We have hundreds of different languages on Earth, and we speak the same one anyway." I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to ignore her grin. "You just want me to read you the damn book while you sit in my lap and try to molest me, right?"

"Um... yes?"

"Nope. Not doing it, I'd rather go to Canterlot and sing and shit."

She frowns for a split second before putting on a smile. "Eh... I knew you'd come along."

My frown is going to last a hell of a lot longer than a split second. At least I managed to avoid rape... for now, at least. Life in Equestria is hard.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, let's go."

Man, the shit I put up with... but maybe I can still salvage some fun out of what is most likely going to be a long, boring and restless night. After all, who says I have to sing an Equestrian song?

Oh Anon, you crafty motherfucker, you.

"Holy shit! Is this thing for real?"

"Yup!"

I honestly can't believe it. A gigantic building made out of what seems to be ice. Dark violet and blue translucent, frozen pillars support the colossal structure. It looks like a palace of some sort... she was right, it's absolutely breathtaking. Even just staring at the 'Crystal Hotel' standing before me, Luna's gorgeous moonlight reflects off its surface and creates little flashes of sparkling light everywhere, giving the illusion of... I don't know, but this shit is really mesmerizing.

"I know the answer will be 'magic', but how the hell did they manage to build this? And how is it not melting?"

The lavender alicorn gives me an amused look. "Crystals don't usually melt, Anon."

"Crystals? Damn, I thought this was ice."

She rolls her eyes. "Why in the world would anypony build a 'Crystal Hotel' out of ice?"

I shrug. "Why in the world would anypony build a hotel out of crystals?"

She ignores my witty comeback and tugs on my shirt with her magic. "C'mon, let's go! We're tardy, it started like half an hour ago already!"

"Jesus, Twi! Wait up!"

"No! We lost enough time in the train already! Come on!"

Oh, yes... the train. We might have lost a little time during the trip. So what?
It wasn't my fault if that stupid scrawny unicorn bitch nearly impaled me with her horn. It wasn't my fault if her little boyfriend pounced me when I kneed her in the face in retaliation. I mean, what's a man to do when under assault with a deadly weapon?
It wasn't my fault when I threw him off me, and out of the window. It wasn't my fault when I pulled the emergency brake and jumped out to settle this shit outside.

Maybe snapping his horn in half and throwing it off the bridge leading up the mountain while screaming shit about how America would never fall to unicorn invasion was not the smartest thing to do, but it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. Besides, Twilight was here to fix everything up, as she always does.

Okay, maybe it was a tiny little bit my fault. But we still made it here, didn't we? It's not like you can even 'be late' to a karaoke, unless you show up after the place has closed or something.

I simply follow Twilight inside the giant crystal building, and a buff pony dressed in black jumps in the way, blocking our access to the main room where the festivities are taking place.

"Um, sir?" Twilight inquires, clearly not having expected this to be some kind of a private, 'select' event. She's a princess but apparently, her word doesn't mean shit around here. "May we come in?"

I swear, no one ever calls her princess, it's like ponies don't even realize she's an alicorn.
Can an alicorn not be a princess? And can a princess not be an alicorn?

"I'm sorry, miss. You'll have to show me a ticket, or I will have to ask you to leave," the bouncer pony says, not moving an inch.

I cross my arms, not impressed and not amused. Twilight just stammers, not really used to be stood up to.

"But sir, we were-"

"Look, sweetheart. I have a job here, alright? So you show me a ticket, or you go home."

I smirk. This is gonna be good.

The purple mare unfurls her wings and her horn lights up. "I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I order you to move at once!"

"Nope."

Twilight's horn shuts down and she folds her wings, looking down dejectedly.
Okay, nevermind, that wasn't actually any good.

"Come on, Anon... let's go home..."

I kneel down and put a hand on her withers. "Hell no, we ain't going home. You dragged me all the way here, we're getting in. Your strategy didn't work, that's all. Lemme try mine."

Before she can reply, I'm standing at full height in front of the bouncer. I'm 'only' two feet taller, but it's enough to make me feel like I'm stronger. And I probably am, because these ponies are ridiculously light.

"Sir, do you have a ticket?"

"Nope. Move it, we're late already."

"I'm sorry sir, you need to leave. Now."

I frown and bend over, wrapping my arms around his body and lifting him off the ground. "MOVE, BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY!" I effortlessly throw him into a nearby wall while singing, "GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH, GET OUT THE-"

"ANON!" Twilight shrieks.

"What?" I answer, annoyed. "You wanted to get in, so let's go."

"What did you do?"

"I got us in! What does it look like?" I reply, walking into the main room.

"But you... how? How could you lift and throw around a full grown stallion so easily?"

"How would I know? You ponies are so light, it doesn't make any sense. I'll be fucked if he weighed more than like, eighty pounds! And who cares anyway, you wanted to come here and we're here! C'mon, let's go and, uh... sing, I guess?"

Twilight levitates a small scroll out of her saddlebag and scribbles something on it as she follows me inside. She folds the scroll neatly and puts it back in the bag, flashing me a smile. "Say... would you accept to help me out with an experiment?"

"If it involves any sort of physical interaction between the two of us, absolutely not."

"Sweet! I need to know how your seemingly different muscular system affects sexual rela-"

"I said no, Twilight."

"Anon, this is for science!"

"No. This is for you getting laid, which you direly need. Speaking of that, since we're here, why don't you go talk to some stallions? Or mares, you know... whatever you're into, as long as it's not me. Besides, you're a princess, aren't you? You can brag, show off and everything! As long as you don't keep me up all night by screaming, I promise I'll support you in your quest for finally losing your virginity."

She blushes, frowns and shakes her head. I wonder if she's even considering it... probably not. These ponies ain't right in the head. Why would it have to be me? Sticking my dick in a pastel horse was never on my bucket list.

"BOOOOOO! BOOOOOO! YOUR SHIT IS WHACK! GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!"

The blue unicorn drops the mic and jumps off the stage, her fake blue wings flaring as her horn lights up dark red. "THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE WILL-"

Twilight sighs and uses a stunning spell, allowing me to walk up to the enraged mare.

"Shut it," I say flatly, snatching the glowing artifact around her neck. Her wings disappear as she stands there, dazed and confused, and I slam the Alicorn Amulet against the ground before stepping on it, breaking it into several little pieces. "How many of these things are you gonna buy? This must be the sixth one in a month! Did you use a duplicating spell or something?"

Trixie glares at the two of us with pure anger on her face. She rears up on her hind legs and slams her hooves against my thighs, her light purple magic weakly tugging on my shirt.

"Trixie demands a compensation for this, you damn dirty ape!"

"Cool story. Also, no."

She frowns even harder, knowing that she won't get shit from me, and turns towards Twilight, who's still wearing the same jaded glare she's been giving me since the minute we took seats. Something about insufferable I am or something, but I call bullshit on that. Those ponies are terrible at singing and their lyrics are stupid, I'm just giving them constructive criticism, that's all.
It's not my fault if they can't take it.

"Sparkle! Trixie demands that you-"

"No!" Twilight shouts, equally annoyed by the blue showmare's antics. "Trixie, I told you already, I'm with Anon. I don't wanna go on a date with you."

I cross my arms and frown at Twilight. "And I told you already, we're not together. Fact is, I'd rather go on a date with Miss Blue Bitch right here than have you within touching distance."

"That's not nice, Anon," Twilight replies.

I frown at her, still not amused.

"Humph! The Great and Powerful Trixie will return," Trixie snorts, trotting away and ordering a double whiskey. "Puny human..."

"Twilight, are you sure you don't wanna fuck her? Like, real quick? There's some serious sexual tension between the two of you, and maybe then she'll stop waking us up in the middle of the night every week with her stupid amulets... I thought only one of these even existed."

Her death glare keeps me silent as I sit back down, shrugging before scratching my balls. "Alright so, who's next?"

Twilight sighs and takes a long sip of her beer. "Anon, for the last time... this is a karaoke, not a musical!"

"So what? I'm not singing, I'm the critic! But they need to get a move on, I'm bored here."

"Can't you just calm down?"

"No. They have no respect for us or our ears, Twi! They can't sing worth shit and their lyrics are OG Loc levels of terrible."

She harrumphs and points a hoof at me. "Hah! I'd like to see you do any better!"

I raise an eyebrow and point a finger at myself. "Really? Well, alright then. You just watch and listen," I blurt out, walking up to the stage and jumping over the three steps as the color suddenly drains from Twilight's face.

"Anon, don't..."

I don't feel the slightest hint of guilt for what I'm about to do. She had it coming to her anyway, I was perfectly fine staying home reading about that weird Rainbow Dash recolor doing Indy stuff.

I grab the mic and wave my (way too short) hair around.

"Don't, please, don't..."

I take a quick glance around the room and see about forty sets of pony eyes fixated on me. Heh... this oughta be good.

"I IMPLORE YOU, DON'T-"

I wink at Twilight and give her a thumb up before shouting, "THIS IS ABOUT SHOOTING BLOOD FROM YOUR COCK!"

~~As if~~ by magic, aggressive guitar riffs start blasting over the speakers as I awkwardly try growling, prompting a couple of mares to throw up and Twilight to bury her face into her hooves, probably wishing she could remember an invisibility spell or something.

"-A LIVE WOMAN TO FILL WITH MY FLUID! A DELICATE GIRL TO MUTILATE, FUCK AND KILL!"

By this point, only three mares remain in the room. Twilight Sparkle fiddling with her invisible forehooves as she reads a spell book, Trixie half passed out with her muzzle stuck in an empty glass, and a grim-looking gray mare glaring daggers at me from across the room.
A few stallions are sitting in the back of the room, cheering and clapping, but fuck them. They've been doing that ever since 'cock' left my mouth.
...the word, that is.

I put the mic down and start coughing as the music stops. I can't 'sing' like that without tearing my throat apart, but at least it was fun for a few minutes. The looks on some of the mares' faces were just priceless.

Walking off the stage, I sit down near Twilight and down my (now warm) beer. "So, was I better than Trixie or what?"

"I hate you. You could have just said 'no' instead of... letting me drag you here, only to do that. I hate you so much."

I raise an eyebrow. "I said no. But with you trying to molest me as my only alternative, what did you expect me to choose? And what's the big deal, anyway? I was just having fun, c'mon! I..." I trail off as I start considering that maybe, just maybe, I did do something I probably shouldn't have done. If the thirty-five or so ponies who scurried away after vomiting within ten seconds of me starting to 'sing' are anything to go by, that is.

I pat her on the head and sigh. "I'm sorry, Twilight... I was just... shit, I don't even know why I sang that... again. But Pinkie seemed to like it, remember?"

"Pinkie Pie..." Twilight trails off, sighing heavily. I never understood why everypony was friends with Pinkie. Sure, she's a nice mare and everything, but she's way too hyper for me. Maybe it's considered normal behavior among ponies, but having spent the vast majority of my life on Earth didn't prepare me for anything like that.

Looking around, I catch a glimpse of the gray mare I saw earlier. Who is she? I don't know anypony in Canterlot, other than the two princesses, but... just who is this mare?
Why is she so... hell, what is she? Why am I even looking at her? She has running make-up smeared on her face, her eyes are damp and puffy, and her dark gray mane is disheveled!
I sometimes look better than that when crawling out of bed with a killer hangover, yet she looks so classy and delicate...

"Hey Twi, who is that?" I ask, pointing a finger towards the object of my current attention.

"Who?" she asks, before following my finger. "Oh, her? I don't know her name, but if I remember correctly, she's a cellist in the Canterlot Orchestra," she quickly replies with a smile, apparently too happy to see me taking any form of interest in another pony to stay angry at me. "She often plays at the Gala, as well as for various events and ceremonies."

"Canterlot Orchestra, huh?" I get up and walk towards the mysterious pony, giving her a warm smile. Unwavering despite her lack of reaction, I take a seat at her table.

She's looking at me again, a strange mix of disdain and curiosity on her face as she eyes me carefully. "Your performance was... um, unorthodox, to say the least," she says in a raspy voice, as if she had been crying earlier.

I rub the back of my head, looking away shamefully. "Uh... yeah, I know. Even where I'm from, I don't think this would have appealed to anyone who's... uh... sane, I guess?"

Her expression softens as it finally dawns on her that I'm not a pony, nor a creature normally found anywhere in Equestria. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from another world, a planet called Earth. I don't suppose you ever heard of it? Hell, it's probably not even in the same dimension."

"I cannot say that I have," she simply replies in a neutral tone, and with an unreadable expression on her face. "That was certainely bold," she adds, looking away from me once again.

"Uh... thank you?"

She doesn't answer, taking a sip of her drink instead. What is it? It looks like red wine, and it probably is. That's cliché as hell for a classy looking pony, and Equestria is so full of clichés, it hurts.

"I'm sorry, I haven't properly introduced myself... my name is Anonymous, but you can call me Anon," I say, extending a hand.

She cracks a very faint smile and extends an unsure hoof. "Octavia Melody."

I take her hoof in my hands and give it a soft kiss. "Delighted, Miss Melody."

I smile as a faint blush creeps onto her face. Damn, is this mare classy. And gorgeous. Why haven't I come here earlier?

"Tell me, Anonymous... what are you?"

"I'm a human. Some kind of hairless ape, I guess you could say. It's not really flattering, but I don't know how else to put it."

She lets out a small giggle. "After your little... show, I wouldn't have expected you to be one for flattery."

"Heh... yeah, I never really cared much for compliments and shit. Humans in general aren't too big on respect, compared to ponies at least."

She keeps smiling, eyeing me strangely as she takes another sip of her wine.

"What is it that you're drinking?"

"Canterlot Haut-Brion, 1959. Magnificent wine."

"Uh... yeah. Wine is nice, I guess." I don't know the first thing about wine, other than it's alcohol, and alcohol is good. Maybe I should learn about it, all things considered.

"Anon," a familiar voice calls from behind me, and I turn around to get a faceful of purple.

"Twilight?" I turn around again and look back to the cellist, pointing a finger behind me. "Octavia, this is Twilight Sparkle."

Purple Smart gives me a shit-eating grin and waves a hoof at Octavia. "Hi, miss. I'm Anon's-"

"Roommate. She's my roommate," I say quickly, cutting her off.

She gives me a glare that could kill lesser men. "Yes, I'm his... room mate. If you know what I mean."

The gray Earth pony waves a hoof back, ignoring Twilight's last attempt at fucking me over, in every sense of the term. "How nice of you to share your home with such an odd, yet interesting creature..." she trails off, silently suppressing a tear.

I suddenly realize something and turn to Twilight, playfully flicking her horn and eliciting a yelp from her. "Say, Twi, how comes you're a princess but nopony seems to know you?"

"I... I don't know. I mostly keep to myself, I suppose?"

"Actually, I was at her coronation," Octavia says flatly.

"For real?"

"Yes."

"Anon, what do you say we go home? I want you to help me try out a new spell."

"Nah. I think I'm gonna stay here a little longer. You go ahead, I'll follow you, alright?" I say, still looking at the beautiful musician.

Twilight puts a hoof on my hand and glares at me, "Let me rephrase... we need to go. Now."

I shrug, unimpressed. "No, I told you. Go home if you want but I'm gonna stay here for a while. You told me that I needed to go out and socialize and shit, so here I am, doing just that. Speaking of which, I hope those mares are alright... I didn't mean to shock them. At least not that much... you ponies are too damn sensitive."

Octavia chuckles. "Music carries powerful emotions... sometimes negative, but powerful nonetheless."

"Heh... I guess."

The three of us jump around as a loud scream echoes from behind us, literally shaking the room.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?"

Twilight's face turns livid. "Princess Celestia?"

Octavia's face contorts into a mix of annoyance, fear and sheer 'what the fuck' factor.

My face doesn't do much as I just stare wide-eyed at the Princess of the Sun, whose entrance was even stranger than usual.

A pink mare with a curly mane runs in, and gives Celestia a scroll. "Oopsie. Sorry Princess, it was the wrong script!"

"Oh," the white alicorn replies, looking around in equal confusion. "Pinkie Pie, maybe this was not such a great idea, maybe I-"

"Nonsense, Princess! Preparing your speeches is the bestest job ever!"

"Urgh..." she unfurls the scroll and clears her throat. "Dear Twilight Sparkle, please remember to attend Pinkie's afterparty party in a hundred and fifty-six days from today. Love, Celly... urgh!"

Turning to Pinkie, Celestia sighs as she strains to keep her composure. "Did you seriously need me to deliver that message to one of your friends? And what does 'xoxo' even mean?"

"I'm not sure! Maybe it means that you- OH TWITCHY TAIL TWITCHY TAIL!" the pink pony screams, somehow snatching Celestia's tail with a hoof and running off with it.

"PINKIE PIE!" the princess screams, taking off after the pink menace. This is the kind of shit I was talking about, Pinkie is fucking scary. Ponies have magic and everything so maybe they're fine with random reality breaking, but I'm not. Living among small cartoon horses is about as far as I'm willing to accept reality being broken.

Octavia, Twilight and I exchange strange looks. The only kind of look anyone who just witnessed that event could possibly have on their face.

"I... I think I better go help the princess," Twilight says quickly, getting up equally quickly and running after her mentor.

"Uh... alright? See you later?"

"That was peculiar," Octavia says hesitantly, as if trying to find the right word to describe something as indescribable as this. Whatever this even was.

"Yeah... that wasn't the single weirdest thing I've witnessed so far in Equestria, but it's definitely among the weirdest shit I've ever seen Pinkie do. And I've seen her grow fingers by blowing into her hoof."

"Anonymous..."

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go on."

"Well, you see... my former roommate has left to perform in Las Pegasus a few weeks ago, and she... she never came back."

"Oh... Well, that... sucks," I say awkwardly.

"While I would be happy about it since we were always fighting, I do not have enough money to pay the rent on my own... I only get to play a few times a month, and it does not pay too well, either..."

I scratch my chin, now wondering why the hell she would tell me about this, especially since we met like ten minutes ago. Not to mention the whole singing thing, even though she seemed to have taken it better than most other ponies.

"So what are you asking of me, exactly? I mean, I don't have much money myself, you know."

Kinda hard to make money in a world where you're virtually useless at anything that isn't tattooed on your ass.

"No, no!" she says quickly, looking away in shame. "It is... it is not that."

"Then what?"

"Could I... c-could I maybe spend the night at your home? Just for tonight?"

I raise an eyebrow but before I can answer something elegant and reassuring, something along the lines of 'ye sure ig, y tho', she breaks down and starts apologizing profusely. "I'm sorry! I am so sorry, it's not what I meant! I didn't mean that! I just, I... I'm scared! I've been in trouble before, but I've never been homeless! It's... I don't know where to sleep! I don't know where to go! I don't know what to do! I don't know whom to ask for help! And you said you were from another world, so I thought that maybe, when you arrived here... maybe you had to go through something similar, and maybe you would understand where I'm coming from! I'm sorry, it was stupid!"

More tears stream down her face as I lay a hand on her hoof, stroking it gently. I put a finger below her chin and lift her head up, forcing her to look at me. "Hey, come on, now! It's alright, I'm not gonna let a cute pony like you sleep in the streets! I'm sure Twilight wouldn't refuse to let you crash at her place for a few days. As annoying and creepy as she can get, she's still a really kind and generous pony."

Wiping the tears off her eyes, she snorts loudly and looks at me with gleaming eyes. "A-are you sure? You... you really mean it?"

"Yes, Octavia. I really mean it. Hell, even if she refused I'd just throw her ass out and invite you in anyway," I reply in a playful tone. It's not like I have the power to keep an immortal alicorn out of her own house, no matter how much I would like to at times.

She wipes more tears off her face and lets out a weak chuckle. "You're really a strange creature, Anonymous..."

"Yeah. I get that a lot," I reply with a smirk. "Don't worry, it's gonna be all right. We should go now, though. You need to rest, and I live in Ponyville... there's a good one hour train ride to get there."

"T-thanks... you have no idea how much this means to me."

"Don't you worry about it, now come on, let's get you some rest. You can take a nice, warm shower, too. You could definitely use one."

She glares at me, the dried puddles of make-up on her cheeks glistening under the artificial light. "Do I look that bad?"

"No! That's not what I meant."

"I'm just kidding," she replies with a wink and a grin. Damn, this mare changes moods quickly...

Getting up, we both walk out of the room and into the cold night air, but not without chuckling at the stallion butt poking out of a nearby wall. Oh well, that will teach him to stand up to me. I mean, to a princess...

"Twilight! Twilight, open the door! Goddammit, it's freezing balls out there! ...fuck, she probably hasn't come back yet."

I turn to Octavia, whose fear is nearly tangible. "That... that means we're alone?"

"Yeah, but don't worry, we're not gonna sleep in the streets, and I am not staying outside with that cold ass winter air. I could just kick the door open, but I think I gave Twilight enough shit for tonight. I have a little trick, check this out," I smile at her before putting on my best haughty female voice. "SPIKEY-WIKEY!"

Within a few seconds, a smiling Spike opens the door, and his happy face quickly contorts into a burning glare of pure hatred. "Fuck you, Anon!" he spits at me, breathing a small flame that wouldn't even have ignited a dry twig.

"Piss off, you little shit."

"I swear, one day I will burn you down," he snarls, walking away, literally fuming. "If I weren't a baby dragon..."

He's too easy to fuck with, it's not even funny. But he deserves it, if not only for being dumb enough to fall for the exact same thing like, five times by now. Even if he still somehow believes that Rarity likes him, how dumb does he have to be to believe she would show up in the middle of the night just for him?

I easily forgave him for having walked on me while I was masturbating, it's not like he was at fault for me not locking the door. There's probably not a single working lock in Ponyville, but that's not his fault either. He might have watched the whole thing out of curiosity, but I forgave him for that, too, after all he's just a kid.

But I can't ever forgive him for having told Twilight about it. Since that night, the dorky alicorn with a cute, naïve crush on me turned into a creepy stalker whose only goal in life is to get me to do to her every single perverted, depraved thing she can think of. Which is, thanks to her books and her wild imagination, a frightening amount.
I guess she's not really stalking me since we live in the same house, but regardless, I've made it a personal point to hate Spike since that night.

Octavia gives me a confused look as we both walk inside. "Why didn't you simply call out for him?"

"We hate each other. He wouldn't have let us in."

"Why?"

"It's a long story. Come on, let's get you cleaned up a little bit."

She glares at me but remains silent, following me inside, and up the stairs.

Lying on the floor, I yawn loudly as Octavia finishes her story. I honestly feel bad for her, after all the things she went through with that drug-addicted DJ mare... damn, perhaps I should be thankful that my only real problem in life is having a demented, nerdy rapist as a roommate. With magical power rivaling that of Celestia herself.
Fuck that, I'm not thankful at all.

"What pains me the most is that I'm going to have to sell my cello. It was a gift from my mom when I turned twelve..." she says sadly, sighing deeply and burying her head in my pillow.

"You don't have to... you could stay here for a while, if you want. I'm sure Twilight wouldn't mind if you needed some time to get money or something. Things are gonna be all right, I promise you."

I'm not sure if I'm any good at sounding reassuring, but she seemed to feel a little better whenever I told her things were going to be all right. "Is the bed comfortable?"

She turns to face me and gives me a strange look. "Yes... but why did you insist on sleeping on the floor?"

"I told you already, I'm not gonna invite myself in your bed! I mean... invite yourself in my bed! I mean... I mean, sharing a bed in such a situation isn't what a gentleman would do!"

She stares into my eyes for a few seconds, and she swallows loudly. "Even if I wanted you to?"

Before I can reply, she starts blushing heavily. "I mean, I'm just... I'm, uh, I'm cold."

I prop myself up on an elbow and give her an hesitant look. "You sure?"

"Yes... please?"

How can these ponies be so cute with their impossibly large, pleading eyes?
Sorcery.

I get up and throw the undersized blanket away, instead slipping under the warm covers next to the gray mare. She instantly grabs my arm with a hoof, snuggling against me as an overwhelming feeling of warmth courses through me. I close my eyes in happiness, leaning into her touch and feeling her soft fur brushing against my bare chest.

This feels so good.
So good.

"You promise me it will be okay?" she asks, once again looking at me with those gorgeous, gleaming eyes of hers, glimmering under the faint moonlight seeping through the closed curtains.

I smile and stroke her mane gently, feeling bold all of a sudden. I plant a soft kiss on her forehead and sigh happily as I wrap an arm around her small frame.

"I promise you, Octi."

"Anon! I'm home!"

"OY VEY! I'VE BEEN DISCOVERED!" I scream uselessly before my body can process the fact that I have just been woken up by Twilight Sparkle screaming from downstairs, and not by bloodthirsty Saddle Arabian warriors who found my hiding place.

I painfully rouse from my sleep, glancing towards the rays of light filtering through the ajar door. Why would I care that she's home? It's like, four in the fucking morning... was she out until now? What was she even doing? And why is my left side warmer? Oh... right.

Octavia is still sleeping peacefully, huddled against me with a hoof laid on my chest, her soft breathing gently tickling my neck. Her snoring is so cute, it almost sounds like she's purring... everything about her is delicate, and just too damn adorable.

Suddenly, the door opens and the lights turn on as a purple pony strides into the room like she owns the place.
Well, she does, but that's beside the point.

"Anon, I-" the sight of Octavia sleeping in my arms promptly shuts her up, her face contorting into a nightmarish glare.

She turns the lights off and silently walks outside of the room, closing the door with her magic.
I really don't want to think about what she'll do to me tomorrow for this, but fuck it. Right now, I have some sleep to get.
And a cute musician pony to cuddle.

A hoof nudges me awake.

"THE GOYIM KNOW! SHUT IT DOWN!" I scream as I sit up, staring blankly at the wall in front of me with slightly crossed, glazed over eyes.

A scared Octavia stares back at me. "A-Anon?"

Right. I'm awake, and unlike in the dream world, here, the evil ponies haven't discovered my machinations.

"Urgh... what time is it?"

The gray mare points to the clock. "Nine."

"Fucking hell! It's way too early, let's sleep more."

"I always wake up early."

"I don't. Lemme sleep more."

"ANON! GET YOUR HAIRLESS BUTT DRESSED AND GET DOWN THERE!" a mare screams from downstairs. Goddammit... and joke's on her, my butt is hairy.

Octavia and I echange awkward looks. Waking up snuggling with a member of a different species you've only known for a few hours can make things awkward for both parties, I suppose.

"You can use the shower if you want, I'll make us breakfast when I'm done murdering Twilight."

"Alright, thank you Anon... seriously, thank you for everything," she says with a sincere smile.

"As much as it pains me to admit it... if I live through the morning, it's Twilight you'll have to thank." I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and ruffle her mane before getting up, throwing on a shirt and walking downstairs.

I wish Octavia didn't have to leave.
Cuddling with her was the most pleasuring and heartwarming thing to happen to me in years... okay, at least since I arrived in Equestria.

And now I'm stuck home with nothing to do, a soda in a hand and Princess Rapelight Sparkle sweating and panting, vainly trying to affect me with what she calls 'aphrodisiac magic'. Really, it's just a bunch of spells that make her horn shoot beams of light... but then, that's what all spells look like to me. I never cared much for magic, seeing how I'm immune to it and all, but it's still irritating, if not a little funny to see her still trying. I gotta give her credit for her determination, but it doesn't make it any less annoying.
At least not to the point where I can just ignore it.

I start idly humming to myself as yet another spell fails to affect me.

"Cursed."

The purple pony readies an umpteenth spell.

"Black magic night."

Light shoots from her horn and ricochets off my crotch.

"I've been struck down!"

She readies yet another spell.

"Down in this hell..."

Light shoots from her horn and ricochets off my face. This time, the excessive brightness forces me to close my eyes as my humming turns into loud, off-key singing.

"Spells surround me day and night, stricken by the force of evil light!"

"Don't move! I'm going-"

I get up and shout in her face as she readies yet another spell. "THE FORCE OF EVIL LIGHT!"

"AAAAH!" she shrieks, her spell misfiring and setting a bookshelf on fire.

I watch, amused as she tries to put the fire out. At least I was amused until she grabbed my soda out of my hand to pour it over the flames.
It worked, but damn.

"Don't do that again, Anon! I almost set the whole library on fire!"

I give her a stern look. "Human. Not interested in you. Immune to magic. Better try a hundred sexual spells on him first, then wonder why things went wrong second."

"It's for research! You can't possibly understand!"

"Guess not. I'mma take a shower," I say, getting up and walking out of the room as she futilely tries to restrain me with her magic. I guess she's too flustered right now to think about grabbing my clothes in her magic grip... but then, I'm gonna lose the clothes in a few seconds anyway.
And even if things take a turn for the worse, it's not like she's never seen me naked... fucking Twilight Sparkle.

Aw, man. Nothing like a nice, hot shower to make even the most tired and disheartened man feel like he could take over the world. And nothing like... uh?
Why does my towel smell weird?

It's mine. Like, it's my towel. A mix of dark gray and green patches in a camouflage pattern, with red and white stripes... goddamn, I love this towel. The sight of it even made Rarity throw up once... fun times.
Twilight's towel is purple. This one is mine. So why does it smell like...

...

Son of a bitch.

I angrily walk down the stairs, still dripping wet and fully naked. I walk up to a heavily blushing Twilight Sparkle, and throw the smelly towel at her.

Hey, fuck, nigger! What the fuck'd you just do to his towel, man?

"Explain. Now."

She levitates it off her face, but not before taking a whiff of the scent. Her scent. Giving me a sheepish smile, she stammers. "I-I... um... do you like it?"

I deadpan at her, annoyed beyond words. "You know what, I'm not even gonna get angry. Just get the fuck out of my house."

"But, Anon, uh... you're in mine."

[deadpan intensifies]

"Get the fuck out."

Much to my surprise, she actually gets up and teleports outside.
And winks at me from out the window. And not with her eyes.

I have seen things man was never meant to see.
This was one of them.

Now alone in the large treebrary, I sit down and put my head in my hands, sighing heavily. What did I do to deserve this shit?
...okay, I probably deserved it, and then some. But can't a man have a chance at redemption?

Either way, I'm supposed to meet up with Octavia at six tonight, and I should really start getting ready. But... what if she's not interested in me? What if she just needed a shoulder to cry on and a place to sleep?
And why am I so interested in her? I barely know her, and she's a pony!

Oh well, there's no going back now. I'm just gonna have to man up and show her a good time. I'm taking an emotionally unstable, classy homeless cellist pony to a Pinkie party.

What could possibly go wrong?

It's a quarter past five and I've been sitting naked in Twilight's living room for nearly two hours, contemplating the possible outcomes of my 'date' with Octavia. Why am I so nervous about all this?

After taking another shower to wash the musky scent of nerdy purple cunt off my face, I quickly dress up and put on some perfume.
Looking good, Anon... you got a mare to woo. Let's do this.

The cheque cleared, it's time to go to work.

Sure enough, I get a faceful of pink curls before I can even enter Sugarcube Corner. "Hiya, Nonny!"

"'Sup, Pinkie."

"Did you like it?" she asks enthusiastically.

"Like what?"

"My reference!" she replies as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

I raise an eyebrow at the cryptic mare. "What reference?"

She puts on her best Celestia voice and shouts, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?" before letting out a giggle in her normal voice. As 'normal' as Pinkie Pie's voice can be, that is.

"Uh... I'm not sure how this can be considered a reference to anything?"

"But it is! Because she's... IMMORTAL! Haha! You get it? Did you get it? I sure got it! Did you?"

"...riiiiiight. Whatever the hell you say, Ponks. See you later." I push her away from me and quickly jog into the room. I swear, this mare scares me something fierce.

She catches up with me and frowns before handing me a chocolate bar. "Here. Have a Snickers, Anonymous."

I raise an eyebrow at the earthly confection. "What the hell? Why?"

"Because you turn into a faggot when you're hungry," she says, literally sticking the chocolate bar into my mouth.

I ignore her implication and bite into the sweet chocolate without much enthusiasm. I chew for a few seconds before swallowing, with a poker face that would make her sister proud.

"Better?" she asks with a wide grin.

"No."

"I knew it! I- wait, what?"

Time for plan B, I guess. I reach into my pocket and pull out a little sugar cube. Showing it to Pinkie, she starts salivating in a scaringly erotic fashion. I throw it in the direction opposite to where the party is taking place. "Fetch!"

Sure enough, she takes off like a rocket and crashes through a wall. Oh well, that'll keep her busy for a few minutes.

My eyes scan the room and I smile as I spot a now familiar gray pony. I wave a hand at her and her face lights up. Pushing my way through the crowd (and by pushing, I mean flailing my arms around while shouting obscenities), I eventually make it to Octavia's table and sit down next to her with a smile on my face.

"I'm sorry, I'm late..."

"Don't worry about it."

"No seriously, I hate being late. Twilight's been insufferable... I mean, even worse than usual. I think it's time I find a job and find a place of my own."

"You..." she trails off, looking away from me as she starts blushing.

"What?"

"Would you... would you maybe like to spend the night at my place tonight?"

I raise an eyebrow, and I quickly raise the second one as Pinkie appears out of nowhere and places two shots of... something in front of us.

I frown, reaching Bon Bon levels of not amused. I grab her by the tail and spin her little body around, pouring one shot into her marehood, and the other one into her ponut. She starts screaming as both holes catch on fire and propel her out of the room through an open window. Her screams turn into wild giggling as she spirals up into the sky, and out of earshot.

This fucking mare...

"I'm sorry for this," I say, waving an apologetic hand at Octavia.

"What just happened?" she asks, blinking twice very fast.

"Pinkie being Pinkie... I learned a few tricks to deal with her, but she's still fucking scary."

"I... I can see that."

"So... what were you saying?"

Her blush comes back at full force as she tries to formulate an answer. "Um, I... I asked you if you wanted to come back to my place tonight."

"You said you had no place anymore," I reply, confused.

"I... I've sort of been kicked out. But there's nopony in there! I just don't have the keys anymore."

"So?"

"So I figured you would find another way in... maybe?" she asks hesitantly, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. "You don't seem like somepony a closed door would stop."

"Yeah, unless it's heavily enchanted or something, I guess I could kick it open, but uh... that's not gonna get you your home back, you know? If anything, it will just cause you more problems."

She sighs and shifts on her seat. "I know, I know. But I have a concert in six days... if I can hold on until then, I might be able to get enough bits to pay for this month's rent, and maybe they will let me move back in... until next month, at least."

"C'mon, Octavia. You're not seriously believing your own words, are you? You need to move on... I know it's hard, but you can't keep living day by day, not knowing whether you'll be homeless the next day or not... you need something stable. Maybe I could help you? We could do something together! What can you do, other than playing the cello?"

"N-nothing... nothing, really. I've been friends with Vinyl for so long, and she always dragged me into things and... I had a bumpy childhood. I never really studied or learned anything that could get me a stable job."

"Well, shit. Pretty much the same here... hey, maybe I-"

I'm cut off as Twilight Sparkle enters the room, sending the door crashing against a wall as her wings flare, ripples of ethereal light running across her entire body and channeling into her horn. She raises her head and lets loose a powerful shockwave of magenta energy in a circle pattern around her, causing everything to short-circuit and shut down, including the strobe lights and the unnecessarily loud music system.
Magic is cool sometimes.

"Everypony! Listen to me, we have a problem! Tir-" she's cut off herself as a brown stallion barges into the room, screaming.

"TIREK! LORD TIREK! LORD TIREK IS BACK!" the stallion keeps screaming, galloping away in a seemingly random direction.

Twilight deadpans as every single pony in the room starts screaming and scurrying away, creating a small riot as dozens of ponies try to push each other out of the way and squeeze themselves through the doorframe.
And run outside towards whatever danger this Lord Tirek thing represents, whatever the fuck it is. Ponies are as stupid as people, it seems.

Octavia gives me a fearful look. "Y-you... you don't know who Tirek is, right?"

"No, and I don't give a shit. I came here to spend time with you, and there isn't a damn thing that will stop me from doing just that."

"ANON!" Twilight shrieks from the doorway. "We need to leave! Now!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming... fuck's sake."

I get up and look at Octavia, putting a hand up. "Look, you stay here, and I'm gonna go and get rid of whatever Twilight is talking about, alright? Then we'll spend the night at your place like you wanted. I promise you."

"D-do you-"

"Yes, don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Well, sort of."

Okay, the truth is, I have no fucking clue what's going on, or what I'm gonna do about it, if anything. But spending time with the gray mare is pumping me up, and as I told her, there isn't a fucking thing out there that will stop me from enjoying her presence.

Hopefully, not even that. Whatever the fuck that even is.

"Really? That's all?" I deadpan at the strange creature sitting in the grass next to me. I don't see why everypony is so scared of him, he's a little strange but then, so am I, and not many ponies were ever scared of me.

"Yes. I am currently in no condition to ask for more, no matter how much I would like to."

I stroke my chin as I consider the scrawny hooded centaur's demand. Apparently, he tried to take over Equestria but failed, and upon his defeat, Twilight Sparkle got a large castle and moved into it with the other Elements of Harmony or something. But then, he managed to use his last bit of magical power to destroy it, and rebuild her library that had somehow been destroyed in the process.
Why would he do that, I don't know, and I frankly couldn't care less. But apparently, doing that nearly killed him, and it certainely killed his resolve to be an evil, 'I'm gonna take over the world and massacre everything' kind of guy. At least for now.
He doesn't exactly look like he's about to grovel for another chance at life, but he's clearly looking to 'rebuild' himself before considering another attempt at taking over Equestria.

"But, is that really all you're asking for?"

"Yes, it is."

"Is that the sole reason why you walked all the way from Tartarus, wherever it even is, to Ponyville?"

"Yes."

"You just needed a female mate to make sure your species doesn't die out?"

"Yes."

Well, that dude is talkative...

"And you somehow managed to break out of Tartarus in your current, weakened state?"

"Yes."

I turn to Twilight Sparkle, who's also sitting on the grass, but several yards away from us, and with over a hundred defensive and offensive spells charged. Man, this Tirek dude must have put up one hell of a fight... even if his tales of 'one centaur army, scorched Earth and barren wastelands' sound a little exaggerated to me, I must admit that I've never seen Twilight so scared. Not even when Luna accidentally resurrected that evil unicorn king... Sombrero or some shit?
His eyes were cool but he had no conversation.

Although Tirek never heard of humans, I feel compelled to help him, somehow. I mean, aren't centaurs half human after all?

"Well, why not, I guess. You're the closest thing to a human I met so far, so I suppose I'm kinda inclined to help you."

Twilight disengages her twenty-seven full body force fields and looks at me with fearful eyes. "Anon, what are you doing? He will-"

"I'm exacting revenge," I reply, smirking. "Tirek, why don't you take Twilight here? She's an alicorn so I guess she has like, near perfect genes, and she's dying for some action."

"WHAT?" the purple unicorn screams.

"I'm sorry Twi, but after everything you've put me through, you kinda deserve it. I don't wanna make you suffer or anything, but..." I walk up to her and reach out for her horn, flicking it and causing most of her defensive spells to shut down instantly. "This is the golden opportunity to make you understand why rape is a bad thing."

"I NEVER RAPED YOU!" she screams in anguish.

"You would have if I weren't immune to your fucking magic!"

Before she can fire any of her other spells, Tirek takes a deep breath and a strange, multicolor flow of energy drains from Twilight's body and flows into his open mouth. Grunting loudly after having grown about twice his original size, now towering over me, he picks up the powerless alicorn and slings her over his back. He smiles at me and extends a giant 'hand', which I shake hesitantly.
Seriously, he's probably over ten feet tall now...

"Thank you, human. You have ensured my descendance, as well as the heir of the Princess of Friendship. I am in your debt."

"Uh... yeah?" I look at Twilight's seemingly lifeless body, and look around uneasily. Did I do the right thing? Can centaurs and ponies have offspring? Did I really want Twilight to end up like this?

...Can I be the little alicorn centaur's godfather?

"Is she gonna be alright?"

"Yes, don't worry, I drained her off her life force, but she will get it back," he says flatly, before winking at me. "If you know what I mean," he adds before walking off.

Ew, sick.
Oh well, she deserved it... right? Right?

Shut up, brain. She deserved it.

"I will bring her back tomorrow."

"Uh... Tirek? Lord Tirek?"

The centaur turns around. "Yes, human?"

"You said you owed me a debt..."

"That, I do."

"Can't you do me and my friend a favor, like, real quick? It should be easy for you, if you absorbed Twilight's power and all."

"I am listening."

"Well, you see, we kind of, like... uh, we need a place to live in. Can you help us?"

"I can."

He wraps a 'hand' around Twilight's horn and closes his eyes, ethereal strands of purple and orange energy spiraling around him. A few seconds later, he's standing at close to fifteen feet in height and has two large curved horns on his forehead. He opens his eyes and the magic channels in between his horns, creating a large ball of fire-like magic. He jerks his head forward and and the giant dark yellow ball of concentrated arcane energy slowly rises into the sky, heading towards the Everfree forest before losing altitude and apparently crashing about a mile away in a small fireball.

"I suggest you investigate the area. You might find what you asked for."

"What the fuck... just how- ah you know what, I'm not even gonna bother asking. Thanks, and see you tomorrow I guess."

"Later, human."

"Uh, Tirek?"

"Yes?"

"Can you, like, not kill or destroy anything?"

"I can try not to," he replies in an ominous tone, before walking away as calmly as his impressive size will allow him.

About a minute later, every single pony in town slowly start peeking their heads out from behind Sugarcube Corner, asking random questions nobody gives a shit about.

"Where is Twilight Sparkle?"

"What did that ugly thing do?"

"Which one? They're both equally ugly."

"What happened?"

"Is Equestria doomed?"

"Are we gonna die?"

"Have you accepted Tirek as your Lord and Savior?"

"Why is Anonymous such a faggot?"

When did I start thinking trusting an evil centaur who can apparently grow to the size of a fucking building was a good idea? Am I gonna be sent to the Moon for having done what I did to Twilight?

Trying to ignore those thoughts, I allow my mind to wander back on Octavia. Did Tirek really manage to build us a place we could stay in with his magic fireball thingy? Draining Twilight off her life force probably gave him a lot of power, but... shit.
Ah hell, it's worth checking out if nothing else. I wanted to go for a walk with Octavia, anyway. I walk back into Sugarcube Corner and smile upon seeing her seemingly frozen on her chair, waiting for whatever ordeal she thought was happening to be over.

I sit in front of her and boop her nose. "Hey."

She doesn't respond.

"Octavia. He's gone, everything's alright."

"R-really?"

"Yeah."

"Who defeated him?"

"I, uh... I kinda... er, I mean... uh..."

She raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.

"Well, you see... Twilight did defeat him. Only that she didn't really... well, she kind of did, but I helped her. Teamwork, you could say."

"How?"

"The magic of... the magic of friendship?"

"Oh."

Is this actually a thing? Like, do ponies seriously believe friendship to be some sort of ultimate weapon that will save them from anything in times of turmoil?

"You look pretty shook-up..." I say, getting up and walking around the table before scooping her up and cradling her in my arms. She's so light...

She remains silent as I walk out of the building, at least until I get a pink butt on my face, followed by a musky scent mixed with alcohol and frosting.

I frown, my eyebrows rubbing against the pink fur. "Pinkie, can you get the fuck off me please thank you very much?"

"Sorry, Nonny! That was fun! Did I miss anything?"

"No, nothing major," I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes. "And take a shower, goddamn."

"Okie-dokie! See you later then! Bye!" she says, pulling something out of her mane and sticking it inside her mouth, producing a small explosion. She's sent flying backwards and into the bakery's second floor window while happily screaming in her trademark impossibly high pitched voice.

Man... this. Fucking. Mare.

"It should be somewhere around... here..."

"What are we looking for?" Octavia asks, looking up at me with her beautiful purple eyes. God, how can she be so cute?

"Something... man, I hope he didn't fuck with me. I'm too young to live on the Moon. And die on the Moon."

"What?"

"Nothing. Hey look!" I point at a small cottage beyond a small bridge crossing over a stream of water.

"So? It's somepony's cottage, what about it?"

"No, it's... ah, dammit."

She's right, it's Fluttershy's cottage. I should have known that 'evil' dude couldn't be for real.

Before I can unleash a stream of insults regarding sexual orientation, ethnicity and social class, I hear wings flapping behind me and turn around, somehow losing balance and landing on my ass, with Octavia splayed out on my chest.

A yellow pegasus is hovering about four feet above the ground, looking down at us with fearful eyes.

"Um... oh my... I'm sorry, Anon!"

Octavia jumps off me and I get back up, dusting myself off. "It's cool, shit happens," I reply casually.

"Um... I actually needed to see you."

"Sure. Why?"

"Did you get somepony to build a house for you?"

I raise an eyebrow. "What?"

"T-there's a... a house. Behind my cottage. It wasn't here when I went into the forest this morning, but... when I came back, it was here, and um, the mailbox says 'Anonymous', so I... I don't know. Did the princesses do it?"

I walk a few yards to my left and spot a rather large house about a hundred feet beyond the fence of Fluttershy's yard. "I'll be damned..."

"Anon, what is it?" Octavia asks, confused.

"I think... I don't... I'm not sure. C'mon! Let's go check it out."

"THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING! HAIL TIREK!" I scream in joy, throwing myself onto the ridiculously large couch. My couch. "Man! I wonder if there's a booze stash somewhere? Or maybe a minibar upstairs? And a jacuzzi? This is gonna be so fucking great either way!"

Octavia looks at me from the doorway, a sad expression on her face.

"I'm happy things turned out fine for you, Anon... I will go back... um, home. To Canterlot..."

I stop bouncing on the couch and freeze up. I give the gray pony a 'bloody ell m8 u fookin wot' look, and get up, walking up to her. "Go back home?"

"Yes... if I can play next week, I will have enough to-"

"Hey, hey! Wait, don't you... don't you wanna stay here? I mean, d-didn't you want to stay here? I mean, w-with me?" damn it, why am I stuttering?

Her eyes light up and she rears back on her hind legs, putting her front hooves against my thighs. I grab them in my hands and kneel down to her level, looking deeply into her eyes. "I'd be more than happy to be your new roommate, if you want," I say warmly, petting her.

"Are you serious?"

"No," I smirk at her and boop her nose. "Of course I am!"

With a mighty push of her hind legs, she manages to make me lose balance and fall backwards, jumping on my chest and pinning me to the ground.

"Octavia, wh-"

She closes her eyes and presses her lips against mine, cutting me off as she wraps her forehooves around my neck. It feels strange, but it feels right. Her short fur is softly rubbing against my skin, her lips are soft and slightly moist, and her gentle moaning is just heart-wrenchingly adorable...

Simply lying there, enjoying the feeling of her lips brushing against mine... I eventually decide to return the kiss, and wrap my own arms around her back, kneading her soft coat. She moans louder, and her lips delicately vibrate against mine, creating sensations I never thought even existed.

There's no tongue, there's no lust, there's just warmth and emotion. A gentle, tender, chaste kiss. It lasts for a few seconds before our lips part as we look deeply into each other's eyes.

"Anon?"

"Hm?"

"What just happened?"

"I'm not sure."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"Did you?"

"As much as you did."

"So you hated it?"

I narrowly avoid a hoof to the face by shielding myself with an arm. "I'm joking, I'm joking!"

"You're not funny," she says with a faint smile.

"I am kind of funny."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"Yes."

"HAHA, YOU FELL FOR THAT!"

"I despise you."

"Me too."

Our lips meet again, this time with a moist appendage trying to make its way into my mouth. Gladly accepting it, I caress her tongue with mine as my hands roam across her back, lingering on her cutie mark. I gently squeeze and knead her supple flanks, causing her to moan into my mouth and wrap her forehooves tighter around my neck.

We break the kiss after a few minutes and look at each other with loving eyes. I'm not sure what's going on, or how we could have gotten to like each other so much in not even a day, but I'm not gonna discuss it.

"Octi?"

"Hm?"

"Wanna go back to your place?"

She glares at me. "What?"

"Well, you probably have stuff to get if you're gonna stay here, right? Like, your cello, some clothes, I don't know... things?"

"Oh, that... yes, I suppose we could go back there so that I can grab a few things."

"Let's go then," I say, grinning as I give her a soft kiss on the lips. "We'll pick up where we left later."

"Did they really kick you out without even letting you time to grab your stuff?"

"Y-yes..."

"Motherfuckers. Why would they do that? I thought ponies weren't mean, I mean, at least not as much as us humans... but even where I come from, that would be a serious dick move."

"It may have had something to do with Vinyl's, uh... stuff."

"She was hiding drugs in the house?"

"Yes... she was."

"Goddamn! Why were you even friends with her, Octavia?"

"I don't know, Anon. She wasn't like that when we met. We were young. She gradually became worse over the years, but she's always been my only real friend. I guess I was afraid to lose her, the only friend I ever had, so I just put up with everything she did..."

"Shit, that sounds awful... but eh, it's history now."

I grab her hoof and stroke it gently, allowing her to lean into my side. The train ride to Canterlot isn't anywhere near as boring or creepy than it was yesterday with Twilight. Deep inside, I hope she's alright... she might be a fucking annoying, creepy virgin stalker, but she's still a friend, and probably the sole reason I'm alive and in decent shape today. I feel a little better about what I did now that I saw that Tirek kept his side of the bargain, but seeing what he was able to do with 'only' Twilight's power doesn't bode too well for the future of Equestria if he decides it's time to step it up a little.

Eventually the train stops, and we both walk into the busy streets of Canterlot. Ponies shoot me weird glances as I simply flip them off, occasionally stopping to ask the most insistent ones if their flanks would like to become acquainted with my goddamn shoe.
Seriously, while the ponies in Ponyville are friendly and understanding, the looks I'm getting from those snob unicorns... even though many of them probably heard about my little show last night, it still pisses me off.

Octavia lives in a small apartment in what looks like the suburbs of Canterlot, on the edge of the city. It doesn't look like a bad place to live in, but it doesn't look like somewhere a classy pony such as herself would choose to live if given the choice, either.

"This is the place, Anon," she says, walking up a few steps leading to the door of a rather modest looking building. "But... I don't have the keys."

"Yeah, I know... so, what do I do? Do I kick the door open or what?"

She looks back at me with determination in her eyes. "No. Do you see the window over there?" she asks, pointing a hoof towards a window nearby.

"Yeah, but I can't reach that high."

"But I can. If you lift me above your head, I can enter through there and unlock the door from the inside."

I consider her idea, and decide it's as good as any. "Is this an Earth pony only kind of place? Unicorns can unlock shit and pegasi can fly through open windows..."

"Yes... Canterlot doesn't have many Earth ponies, but most of us live in those areas."

I look around, wincing at the idea. "Absolutely haram."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing, c'mon, let's try your idea," I say, walking up to her and lifting her off the ground. "Damn, you're so light..."

She blushes and gives me a quick peck on the forehead, causing me to blush as well. "You sure know how to talk to a lady."

"No, I don't, but you're really light," I reply, giving her a small kiss as well, before walking up to the window and raising my arms above my head as high as they will go. Octavia manages to jump on the windowsill before disappearing inside, and about twenty seconds later, the main door opens.

"Nice one. Let's go get your things."

Entering her apartment, I recoil in surprise. It's actually a single story house, not an apartment, and it's so... clean. Did she really live with a drug-addicted bitch for years in this place? It's rather small, but it would put even some middle class habitations to shame back on Earth, and yet it seems to be the pony version of a ghetto.

I follow her inside and look around, various framed pictures of Octavia neatly placed on shelves and stuff. Many of them also include a white mare with an electric blue mane and strange goggles, who I assume is Vinyl Scratch. She looks like some sort of rave slut... damn, poor Octavia.

It only takes her a few minutes to gather most of her belongings in a gray suitcase, and of course, her beloved cello. Wait, is that what a cello is? That thing is bigger than her!

"Want me to help? Here, give me the cello, I'll-"

She cuts me off by pouncing on me with impossible swiftness. "DON'T TOUCH MY CELLO!"

I stagger backwards, my back hitting the wall. "Fuck! Calm down, I just wanted to help!"

"I... I'm sorry, it's just, uh..." she stammers, trying to apologize for her outburst. "Nopony touches my cello."

"Alright, shit! Just give me the case, then."

She reluctantly 'hands' me the suitcase. "I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to," she says in a hurried tone, motioning for me to follow her out of her former home.

"Alright, let's go," I follow her and close the door behind me.

After walking around for a few minutes, I turn to the gray mare who is somehow carrying a cello case twice the size of her own body on her back.

"Hey, you wanna go out somewhere tonight?"

She stops walking and raises her head, shooting me a careful glance. "Where?"

"I don't know... we could go to a restaurant or something? Like a... l-like a date?"

She smiles as her eyes light up. "I think I would like that."

"Do you know any place you'd like to go to?"

"No, not around here. I don't like the nightlife in Canterlot. It reminds me of... well, bad things."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." I trail off, an idea hitting me. "Hey, I know! There's a nice little bar in Ponyville, I often go there when I need to get away from Twilight Sparkle. Wanna go there?"

"A... bar? As in, somewhere you can sit at a counter and order alcoholic beverages all night long?"

"Uh yeah, but they also serve food."

"Lead the way."

I stop walking and look at her in confusion. "Actually, you lead the way. I have no idea where the fuck we are."

She rolls her eyes and takes the lead, her rump swaying a little more than should be necessary. Huh, she wasn't doing that before... was she?

Two hours and a half later, we're sitting at a table with our stomachs full.

Octavia smiles at me, patting her belly with a hoof. I've said this several times already, but goddamn she's so cute... even when sitting in such a strange way. I only ever saw that aquamarine unicorn sitting like a human before... but apparently, she's not the only one to do so.

"Wanna go back home now? We could uh... read something?"

"Reading?" Octavia asks, chuckling. "Is that your idea of a date?"

I frown and look away, blushing. "I don't know, I, uh... I haven't really been on a date with a pony before."

She smirks and leans forward on the table. "You've never been with a pony?"

"Nah. I've only been here for a couple of months, and while Twilight is always trying to molest me, I never really... well, I never really thought about interacting with ponies in that way. Other than cuntpunting her when she goes too far, that is," I reply, chuckling to myself. Now that I think about it, my foot actually touches pony pussy like, every other day or so.

"I guess that's one thing we have in common, then."

"Yeah, I don't think you've ever been with a human."

"No, I meant I've never been with a pony, either."

"Oh," I lean back in my chair, nearly falling backwards when I realize what she meant. "Wait, what?"

She looks down, shifting on her seat uneasily. "I've never really been with anypony. The way Vinyl always acted with stallions, and even with a couple of mares, it was... it was just revolting. I never wanted to get myself involved into that kind of thing..."

"Yeah, I feel you. Back home, I had a couple of buddies who were like that, and I never wanted any of it, either."

"B-but, have you been with another human before?"

"Yeah, a couple, but nothing to brag about," I reply with a small giggle. "Bitches be crazy."

"You know..." she trails off, looking away from me.

"Yeah?" I inquire.

"It... it will probably sound stupid, but... when we talked last night before falling asleep, I had that feeling that you would never hurt me, or toy with me. Nopony has ever been so gentle with me. You reassured me and hugged me when I needed it, and you didn't try to take advantage of me."

I try to hide my burning cheeks. "Of course not, I would never do that."

"Anon?"

"Yes?"

"When we were at your house to drop my things off, I wandered upstairs and, uh..."

"Yeah?"

"Did you decorate your room by yourself?"

"What? No, I never even walked into 'my' room."

Judging from her facial expression, I suppose I should tell her.

"Look, I think I should explain to you what exactly happened with Tirek earlier today."

Her expression turns into one of fear, at least until I grab her hoof and stroke it gently. "W-what happened?"

"Basically, he wasn't hostile. He was just asking for help, and I accepted to help him, so in return, I asked him to give us a place to live."

"Tirek? Lord Tirek? Are we talking about the same? The giant centaur, that Tirek? He did what?"

"I know, it's surprising. I mean, I didn't know anything about him, but he explained me everything... well, his side of the story, at least. I'm guessing his version was probably more flattering to him than the truth," I say, chuckling at the raw 'what the fuck' expression plastered on Octavia's face.

"I don't know if you remember it, but I was just as surprised as you when I spotted it behind Fluttershy's cottage. But seriously, it's a perfect place. And it's close to Fluttershy's. She's a good friend, and she makes the best tea in all of Equestria. And on top of that, Discord drops by from time to time. He's a really chill guy when you get to know him. Always fun to hang out with."

"Discord?" her surprise turns back into fear.

"Yeah, you know him?"

"I-I have read about him. The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony, right?"

"Don't worry. I only met him like a month ago, but I can guarantee you that he has changed quite a lot compared to what I've heard about him. But yeah, he's almost as fucked up as I am," I reply with a grin. "Pinkie Pie is far scarier than he ever was, anyway."

"S-so Lord Tirek built us a house?"

"Pretty much, yeah. No idea how that even works but I'm not gonna complain."

"And you never went upstairs, did you?"

"Nope. Why? You said something about the decoration in my room, what's wrong with it?"

She looks away with a faint smile on her lips. "It, um... it has an awful lot of posters showing, uh... well, showing things that you would see much more often if ponies walked around on their hind legs like you."

"Like what?" I ask her, before realization hits me. "Son of a bitch. I'll take them off, don't worry."

"Also, in the bathroom..."

"What's wrong with the bathroom?"

"The tub. It's absolutely gigantic, oval-shaped and has lots of little holes in the bottom and on the sides."

"Are you serious?"

Holy shit, do I have a jacuzzi in my own house?

"Yes, why? Do you have an idea what it is?"

"Oh yes, I do. You've never been to a spa?"

"No."

"What the fuck! A classy, beautiful mare like yourself?"

She blushes profusely, a sheepish smile on her face. "I never really considered it. Vinyl wasn't exactly the type to drag me into places like that... why? Is it really good?"

"It's great. There's one in Ponyville, and seriously I regret to have waited until I was transported into another dimension to try it out."

"So what is it, exactly?"

"You'll see. We can try it out tonight, if you want."

"I-I..."

God, she's so cute when she blushes. I still can't believe I went from being stalked by Twilight to finding such a beautiful mare and having a luxury house 'built' in such a convenient place... I really hope I'm not dreaming right now. That would really suck.

Out of nowhere, a waiter pony trots up to our table and grabs a little piece of scroll from a pocket on his 'chest', before throwing it on our table. "Huh, mister, um... Anonymous, is that it?"

"Yes? That would be me. What's happening?"

"This just came in from Princess Twilight Sparkle," he says, motioning to the scroll.

"What?"

"I think you should read it, sir."

"I will. While you're here, mind bringing us the bill, please?"

"Not at all, sir," he says, walking away.

I unfurl the little piece of scroll and raise at least three and a half eyebrows at once.

Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for everything I have ever done to you. It appears that I, as Lord Tirek put it, 'needed a good dicking'. I am not really sure what it means, but it must be correct, as I truly needed what he did to me.

To be honest, I could have lived a long and happy life without ever reading those few lines.

I will come back tomorrow, and I would be grateful if you could help me. You see, I thought that it would be a good idea to organize an informal meeting with Princess Celestia to talk about the current predicament centaurs find themselves in, and you are the most informal ~~pony~~ person that I know.

Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

PS: Human, this is Lord Tirek. Thanks for the pussy, I hope you're enjoying yours. I also hope you'll enjoy the magically enhanced shot of Spitfire's I strategically placed opposite to your bed. If you don't, auctioning it could probably get you another house.
I am sorry if I sound like a weakling, but Princess Twilight Sparkle has asked me to behave, and I feel compelled to obey her, as she is now bearing the only hope for centaurs to strive in the future.
And also... well, pussy, dude!

Farewell,
Lord Tirek the Second

...

Well, fuck me.
This is a whole new level of creepy, but it has to be for real. Only an alicorn princess can send letters as she pleases on her own, anyway.

Also, only an alicorn princess would be able to know where I am at any time, and send a letter there. And only Twilight Sparkle would think that it's a good idea to tell me about her sex life while I'm out on a date with another pony. Still, I can't help but feel a sensation of relief washing over me now that I know that she's alright. More than alright, in fact.

"So? What does it say?" Octavia asks, a mix of dread and curiosity upon her face.

"Twilight just wanted to make me know she was sorry for stuff, I think," I say, putting the scroll in my pocket. Should I ever tell anypony about this?

The waiter eventually comes back, explaining me that Twilight also sent the restaurant a hefty amount of bits, paying for tonight's meal and entitling me to another ten or so free meals in the future.
Great, now I feel like a complete asshole for having ever been mean to her...

Oh well, time to go home.

"So this is what ponies do at a spa?" Octavia asks between sighs of pleasure as the bubble jets massage her entire body.

"Yeah," I reply, leaning back and enjoying this far more than I ever thought I would, "see what you've been missing out?"

"I think I'm going to enjoy my stay here..." she says, giggling and plunging her head underwater.

I raise an eyebrow and quickly regret it as she pops back to the surface, water spraying from her mouth. I let out a very unmanly shriek as I try to shield my face with an arm.

"Oh, you wanna do this? Let's do this then!" I say playfully, sliding my body underwater and opening my mouth to take in a mouthful of water, when I realize that Octavia's flank is mere inches away from my face, squirming gently as the water jets rub against her sensitive areas. Forgetting about spitting water on her, I instead try to speak, also forgetting that I'm currently underwater.

"Fpffffuuuuck!" a mix of air and water spurts from my mouth as I resurface, drenching Octavia and sending me into a painful coughing fit.

"What did you do, Anon?"

"Nearly drowned myself because of you wriggling your ass," I manage to reply before coughing up some more water.

She quickly moves away from me, avoiding eye contact.

"Octi? What's wrong?"

"I... nothing."

I move up to her. Damn, I could almost swim up to her. This damn tub must be like, four feet deep. "Tell me, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry, I just, uh... it felt good, I didn't think you would see or notice it, I'm sorry..."

"Oh," I look around, trying to find something to tell her that would convey the reassuring 'hey yo, it's cool, we all do it, I don't mind', but without conveying the far less reassuring 'are you fucking kidding? that was hot as shit, do it again'.

"Don't worry, it's a... it's a normal thing to do. It's natural."

"I-is it?"

I wrap an arm around her and bring her closer to me, her wet fur making a not so erotic squishing sound as it rubs against my bare skin. "Yeah, it is. You've never been with another pony before, but surely you already... uh... you know?"

"Not really," she answers flatly, trying to hide her embarrassment.

"For real?"

"I, uh... I may have tried it once, but it doesn't work too well," she says wih a tinge of sadness and longing in her voice, waving a hoof in front of my face.

"Oh. I hadn't considered that."

"C-can I?"

"Can you what?"

"Can I k-keep doing it? Please?"

Well, that got awkward really quickly.

She slowly moves her rump back against another water jet, and her face contorts rather hilariously as the stream starts stimulating her private parts. No matter how wrong my mind is telling me that is, I can't help but feel myself getting aroused. After all, this mare is beautiful, and I've been alone for... well, for way longer than a man should ever have to be alone for.

Suddenly feeling adamant, I move closer to the gray pony and once again, wrap an arm around her. She doesn't object, instead leaning into me, her iincreasingly heavy breathing quickly turning into full blown moaning.
I simply lay there, my own arousal threatening to burst a hole through my swimming trunks as Octavia rubs her upper body against me. I silently wonder how my life came to that... laying in my own private jacuzzi with a gray mare riding a water jet to orgasm while cuddling against me.
I'm also wondering why I'm actually enjoying it, though the answer is pretty obvious.

Should I... heh, after all, why not?

I grab Octavia, pulling her away from her imminent orgasm and onto my lap, facing away from me, an arm still wrapped around her. Before she can scream at me for denying her her release, I gently bring a hand to her little snatch and start rubbing her lips with a finger, causing her to moan loudly, holding onto the arm wrapped around her with a hoof. With the other, she pushes down on my other arm, guiding it as I keep softly stroking her sensitive, wet puffy lips.

"D-don't stop!"

I smirk as I nibble on her ear, causing her to yelp in pleasure. Her moaning intensifies to the point the vocalization of her pleasure fills the air, echoing through the entire room. Her rear legs start kicking around as she goes past the point of no return, and I suddenly push her off me, grabbing ahold of her hind legs and lowering myself underwater, lashing out my tongue at her dark gray marehood. Even underwater, I can hear her moaning turning into erratic bursts of ear-shattering screams as a violent orgasm rocks her entire body, her little pussy clamping on my tongue as I try to push it deeper into her, my nose caressing her rapidly winking clit. I can feel her hoof pushing down on my head and her hind legs awkwardly wrapping around my neck, locking me in place.

Not caring about my suddenly evident lack of oxygen, I stay underwater as she rides out her orgasm, decided to obey and please this mare until the very end. I can't help but smile as the water surrounding us turns a faint yellow, gushes of pleasure escaping from her convulsing slit as I sensually knead her flanks with my hands, gradually slowing down my tongue work as her legs relax, allowing me to move.

Not wanting to risk drowning for the second time today, I seize the opportunity to resurface, taking a moment to rub the water off my face and throw my hair backwards. Octavia is panting, her eyes half closed as she tries to comprehend what just happened to her. I move back beside her, giving her a stupid grin.
It takes her a few minutes to come back to her senses, and when she does, her smile makes me feel like everything I went through during the past few months was worth the trouble.

"Did you enjoy yourself, Octi?"

"Anon... do it again... please?" she says, still trying to catch her breath.

As much as I hope I'll have my turn eventually, I can't bring myself to refuse. I give my new lover a warm smile as I slowly lower myself underwater once again, a single thought running through my mind.

'Man, I'm gonna have to buy a snorkel.'