Woodpecker

I stood against the bars, talking with one of the guards. He was an alright person, interested in my fights but talking to him kept me calm, "So...you kill ponies?"

I let out a small sigh, "I kill people who try to kill me. I don't go out looking for fights, fights are everywhere though...." I crouched down, pressing my back against the wall of the cell. "What about you? You ever killed something?"

The guard pressed his side against the bars, "A changeling once...that's it."

I cocked an eyebrow and looked at him, "The hell is a changeling?"

He looked away, "It's...it's like a bug...thing, it can turn into anypony it sees."

"That sucks...." I stood up as a quartet of steps fluttered down the hall, "Is that her?"

The guard leaned out of my cell door's alcove, "Uh...no, but I think she's here to see you anyways."

A strangely noble voice peeked my interest, "Pardon me," a soft pink and white mare stood proudly before my door. The guard stepped aside, returning to his post. "Able, that is your name correct?"

I stuck my arms through the bars and let them dangle low, "Yep...- wait...I know you...."

The mare nodded with a flurry of shallow nods, "I believe you and me had an altercation yesterday."

"A what?"

The mare let out a short breath, "A fight...."

I shrugged, "It wasn't much of a fight...anyways, did you need something or did you just come down to do some weird ass test?"

She looked around nervously, "I, Fleur De Lis, have been sent to see if you are tame enough to be put on house arrest." She turned away and started pacing before my door, "Simply put I will ask you a series of questions, and if I deem the responses safe, you will be taken to a guarded room. If not, you will be taken to Tartarus."

I just glared at her, "Then why isn't Celestia here?"

Fleur snapped around, nearly bumping her nose into the bars, "Because, I wanted to. What you said...you're obviously not as crazed as we thought. But we're not sure about your violent tendencies, and as such I have volunteered to do this."

"Whatever," I held onto the bars and leaned back, "Ask your stupid questions, let's get this over with."

Fleur looked a little taken back, "V-very well. Question one, should you be released will you attempt to harm anypony?"

I leaned forward, resting my chest against the bars, "If they try to hurt me."

Fleur's face grew uneasy, "Alright. Question two, in the event of an attack what would your response be?"

I let out a tired breath, the smell of my cell slowly overwhelming the washed scent of Fleur's mane. "I'd hit them. I'd find something heavy and I'd hit them."

"Would you kill them?"

"Depends on how violent they were to begin with." I rested my forehead against the bars, "Look...if this is all you're gonna ask me, you might as well just go--"

"Question three, in the event of a possible route home, would you take it?"

I grabbed my forearms, looping myself around the bars, "If my choices are locked down security or violent freedom, I'm going to take my chances back home."

Fleur nodded, "In the event of your return becoming impossible, could you, would you, acclimate to Equestrian society?"

I pulled myself back into my cell, gripping the bars to keep from stumbling back, "I don't know. I have no idea what life outside this fucking room is like." I leaned against the wall and rubbed my arms.

Fleur walked over to my bars, looking inside my cell. "Well...it's better than this." she stared at me, "There's a yokel town down the mountain, Ponyville. I'm sure you could find a life as a laborer or as some sort of worker."

I started shaking my head indecisively, "Then I guess? Like I said...I want freedom. If you think I--"

"What I think is you're a foreigner. You're no different from a griffon. I'm sure there are some of your species that are amazing, some who are not, some who will kill, and some who will die in defense of others. But what I'm here to do is to figure out which of those you are." She took a short frazzled breath, "What I think doesn't matter."

I turned to her, "It matters to me...."

Fleur grew a flustered scrunchy mouthed frown, "...I think you're an idiot. A stupid, impulsive fool, but not inherently violent." She turned towards the guard, "Celestia told us what you told her, that's the entire reason I'm here, to give you a chance." She turned back to me with a flourish, "So I will ask a final time, will you acclimate to Equestrian society?"

I gripped the bars hard, "I will try." I ducked down to meet her in the eyes, "If that's what it takes to get out of here, I will try my hardest."

Fleur and I entered into a small staring match. "...Does the state of Canterlot have your authorization to execute you should you commit any violent crimes?"

I stared her in the eyes, unwavering as I spoke, "Should it come to that, yes."

I watched as Fleur's muscles pushed a lump down her throat, "Guard...this prisoner is to be escorted to the throne room for assignment to a residence. Said residence is to be guarded at all times, and should the resident attempt to escape he is to be thrown back into a dungeon cell and unceremoniously executed." She turned to me with a neutral expression, "Is this understood?"

"...Not...really."

Fleur deadpanned, "Dear Celestia...you really are dumb. You're going to be put in a room, which you may leave. But you are to be escorted by at least two guards at all times."

I nodded, "See, that makes sense, just say that next time!" I slapped the bars, "Why does everyone here talk in fancy fucking words!?"

Fleur's expression changed to one of utter annoyance, "Because most of us went to grammar school...."

The guard unlocked the cell door, holding it open as I stepped forward. I stepped into the reasonably sized hall and looked at the two nervous ponies, "Oh my...you're...bigger...this close up."

I crouched down to meet Fleur's level. "Better?"

She took a deep breath, "Slightly-- What the buck!?" She panicked as I wrapped my arms around her neck, pulling her aganst my chest and picking her up, "Help!"

I slowly set her down, making sure she had regained her footing before letting go, "Thank you...."

Fleur beat a hasty retreat, "What was that!?"

I stood up, looking towards the door, "Bear hug."

"Utterly disgusting!" She shrieked, "I'm- what is this!?" she asked, touching a black spot on her coat, "I- why- ...I can see that was...meant, to be a kind gesture...but this is...."

"Oh no...I knew what I was doing." I let the guard shackle me, "That's for calling me an animal...."

Fleur just dabbed the sticky black mess I'd pressed into her coat, "...I suppose you're not an animal...simply an idiotic brute. With poor manners...and poor hygiene, and a lack of respect--"

"You're really gonna criticize me on my hygiene? You see what your people locked me in, right?" I pointed my foot to the cell, "And I think it's sludge, not sure from what."

Fleur just let out an anguished huff, "Barbaric!" She turned her nose up at me and walked past, "Absolutely barbaric!"

I looked down to the guard, "Too much?" I asked, slowly walking after her.

The guard just shrugged, "Maybe a little...I wouldn't tell the princess."

"Wasn't planning to." I chuckled, my heart lifting as I walked up the steps and into the light. It felt good, a warm sensation that resonated through my gut as I walked with the guard through the posh entry. Little by little we made our way through the halls, my boots clean for the first time in months thanks to Celestia.

Before too long I was lead into a large vaulted hall. Stained glass lining the walls and ponies surrounding me. A strange creature with mismatched body parts stood next to a pair of thrones and six ponies along the right side of a grand rug that spanned the hallway.

I walked before a set of twin thrones and looked up at Celestia. "Able. The crown of Canterlot and a noble tribunal have decided to move you to house arrest. While not free, we feel this will form a more conducive environment to conduct tests and a less volatile condition for your recovery." Celestia stood up, "After a period of one month, if deemed safe, you will be released. You will be watched over by the crown of Canterlot should you behave. Any objections?"

I felt my heart skip a beat, I gathered the general idea of what she was saying and nodded curtly, "No."

She turned to the small crowd that was now surrounding me, "All opposed?"

A few nays rang out, no where near the deafening unison as before.

"All in favor?"

A string of shaky, ayes, rang out, followed by a small rush.

"All abstaining?"

A trio of hooves hit the floor.

"Motion carries." Celestia beamed at me, "Welcome to Equestria...I'm looking forward to learning more about you."

The guard that was escorting me undid my shackles. A few ponies in the room taking a few steps back as they hit the floor.

The strange rag tag creature slithered over to me, "Why hello there, my little human." he smiled wide and marched around me, "I've heard you're looking for a way home, and while I'd love to keep you around, bring a little spice to these boorish ponies."

"Hey!"

"I"m sure I could find a way to send you back home to your little, what is it called?"

I glared at the creature, "Can I punch this thing?"

Celestia flew down, landing next to me, "No.... This is Discord, I believe he's part of the reason you're here."

The lithe creature just struck an innocent pose, "Perhaps...but I never thought you'd go off and slug somepony. Very impressive by the way, quite the fighter." he got into a boxing pose and took a few jabs.

Celestia shoved him aside and started walking me down the hall, "I'll do everything I can to find a way for you to return. But until then, I hope you understand you won't be able to leave the castle grounds for some time."

We took a hard turn outside. The fresh air wafting over me was wonderful. "...Can...." I stopped walking, slowly unbuttoning my crude shirt.

Celestia just cocked her head as I tied my shirt across my waist to keep it from falling. "What are you- oh!" She stopped dead as I wrapped my arms around her, my bare chest digging against her soft coat. Celestia pushed back, resting her chin on the top of my head.

It felt amazing. A warmth I'd forgotten existed in my violent life in the snow and slush. "Thank you...." I let go, wiggling free and stepping back, "Just being outside...it helps."

Celestia bowed, "It's quite alright...but why did you take your shirt off?"

I pulled it back on and pointed to the black smears and smudges dotting the front and back, "I did the same thing to the noble you sent down. But...she's covered in muck now."

Celestia looked down at her chest, "And I'm covered in sweat."

I felt my eye twitch, "...Well...shit."

Celestia laughed softly, "It's fine. It actually isn't that bad.... It's...." She grew a little red and started walking through the gardens, "Rather...strong."

I picked up on a familiar movement. A stance, a walk I'd seen our horses do in the spring. "Uh.... Sure." I walked at a distance, wanting to avoid her swinging her flank into me or any secretions that she might produce. Horses being our usual mode of transportation, I could spot a mare taking interest in something a mile away. It was a normal reaction every once in a while, but I wasn't about to try and call her out.

But, we arrived at a small hut in the middle of the gardens without incident. "The old gardener used to live here until we finished up the servant's quarters in the Castle." She looked down at me with a slightly longer than normal glance, "I'll visit you in time. We can discuss your...assimilation.... Your.... We'll...." She grew flustered as it became obvious I had no idea what she was talking about, "...We'll have lunch together and talk...okay?"

I moved to the cheap wooden door, "See...I said this to your little friend to. You don't need complicated words to say that--"

"Well it's difficult to say, adjusting to life amongst another culture over time, when I could just say, assimilate."

I opened the door and slowly backed inside, "...Fuck long words...."

As I started closing the door Celestia's hoof jammed it, "No- no!" she barged in, flicking on the lights and picking me up with her magic, "You...you...." She let out an angry sigh, "You're like a filly who talks back too much!" She tossed me into a chair in a tiny sitting area by the front window of the hut, "Assimilated, can you say it?"

"Assimilate."

Celestia rolled her eyes, "Good enough. Now, do you know what, integrate, means?"

I shifted around the dusty furniture, "Look...can we not do this now? This is the first time I've been able to stand up fully and I'd rather--"

"It means to put together...to join--"

"I get it!"

Celestia grew unequivocally flustered, "Apparently you don't!" she stood up and stared me down, "Lack of schooling is no excuse for stupidity! And I will not have the first of your kind be some idiotic--"

I stood up and reached my arm out to length, slamming it down across her flank. Things froze as Celestia let out a sharp gasp, following the loud smack. I saw a hint of rage in her face as she started growing red, "...Okay...so maybe that was a bad--"

I was cut off as something slapped me across the cheek, "Really!? The first thing you do alone with me is slap my flank!? You're not an idiot, you're suicidal!"

She slapped me once more with her magic, hard enough to send me to one knee, "Hey I--" I was cut off once again as she rammed me with her chest, unbalancing me and sending me to the ground, "You're the one who stuck around! I just want to go to sleep somewhere safe for once!"

Celestia ignored me, sitting on the lower half of my back and pinning me to the floor. "Why do you want to get rid of me!? What are you hiding?!"

I tried to crawl free, finding myself completely pinned by her flank, "Because- you're acting like a mare- in heat!"

"I am not- what!?"

I gave up and just kept myself from being crushed. "You don't even see it-- You're doing- everything a mare in heat would do-- Just short of pissing at me!"

Celestia didn't respond, instead standing up and giving me room to breath, "How do you--"

I rolled onto my back and looked up at her, "I raised horses. Actual horses, not whatever you are. But you're acting just like a mare in heat. Your gait is up, your clinging to me, you...sniffed me-"

"I did not--"

"-You're rubbing your flank on me, you're pinning me. All subconscious displays of affection! God damn...I'm not fucking interested in horse fucking!"

Celestia just grew flustered, "You said you were stupid...then--"

"I said I'm not smart. I never said I was a retard!" I shook my head and stood up, "Two things you learn to do in the wastelands, you learn to take care of horses, and you learn how to shoot." I stood against her, "Now I know people that have fucked horses, god knows that I've thought about it, but I--"

Celestia cut me off, licking my nose, "I'm not a horse." She turned around, swinging her flank into me and bumping me to the side, "And if you think of me as a horse, I'll think of you as a monkey."

"Ba-uh...." I flummoxed myself, unable to come up with a proper response.

"Indeed. Now get some sleep, and try not to sound like such a smart ass. I can guarantee you don't know more about equines than me."

I just stood in the small sitting nook as she wandered away, replaced by two winged guards. "I.... Fuck...." I gave up trying to form a rebuttal and just tried to calm my sudden excitement. "...Well...he...said...if you have to...you...." I gave up rationalizing and just accepted it, I had an erection for a talking horse.

I sat on the floor cross legged, resting my elbows on my knees and cradling my head, "I miss getting shot at...."