Dawn Confessions

I stretched my arms out, finding myself in an extremely comfortable bed. Something I hadn't felt since our stay with a group of Initiative troops on the way to Newfoundland. But unlike our travel, I found myself indoors, and with someone. I popped my eyes open, staring up at a dull stone ceiling. "...Oh god...no...please god no." I swung my arm out, patting the other side of the bed and finding something underneath it. "Oh...fuck...."

I grabbed the thin sheet laying over me, flinging it aside and revealing a dull grey bat pony with a magenta mane. "Oh fuck me...." I groaned, laying back into the bed and reaching down to my groin. A quick stroke and I brought my hand up to my nose. The smell of pussy was riding on my fingertips, as was the disgustingly pleasing smell of man sweat. "God. Damn. It." I groaned, letting my hand fall. "Fuck my ass!"

The pony in bed with me just mumbled, "Go to bed...it's ten am...just go to bed...."

I grunted and swung my legs out of bed, my scars showing from my complete lack of coverings. I stared down at my limp tackle, running my thumb over the scar over my inner pelvis, missing my package by about an inch and leaving a large patch missing from my pubes. I felt a sudden relief at the fact that I might never have my privates peppered by shrapnel again.

I found my clothes piled in the corner along with my backpack and a small silver flask. "Devil liquid...." I mumbled, getting to my feet and walking over to it. I snatched the flask and dumped it on the floor, "Back to hell with you, acidic hell spawn!" I could practically hear it sizzle as it puddled on the floor. Looking my arms over I spotted a few bite marks, quickly moving the flow of harsh moonshine over my wounds and watching them sizzle.

I dropped the flask as the burning intensified, "Jesus- why!?" It felt like I had just pumped bleach into my flesh, letting it eat away at my insides before stopping and leaving me to clean off the cuts. I couldn't help but regret my choices as I tried to get dressed. Old socks, old pants, old everything. I needed to find some water, some soap maybe. But first, I needed to leave this weird ass bat alone, and try to wash my sweaty shame away.

I felt horridly dirty as I hoisted my gear up and carefully left the room. I was completely lost, thrown into a dull serise of pitch black stone hallways. My pack was my saving grace, drawing the attention of a servant that was blowing out the oil lanterns that hung from the walls.

My guide was a simple pony, quiet, polite. No words were exchanged but before long I found myself back in the main hall of Canterlot Castle. I stood like a fool, watching noble ponies go about their day, servants passing me by as things got ready for the brunt of afternoon rush.

I had no real place to go, and so I wandered. I made my way to the gardens, the most peaceful place in the entire castle ground. My late night tumble and the few hours I remembered between my drink and waking up were blurry and barely cohesive. I remember going with Luna, talking with a bunch of bats, then nothing.

It bugged me, but the gentle winter snow lining the thriving gardens was wonderful. I listed around the once green wonderland, marveling in how nice the snow was when not stained in blood and turned to slush under army boots.

It was peaceful, only a few ponies daring the cold and wandering about. I was left mostly unmolested, wandering about with the satisfying sound of snow crunching under my tattered boots. But something was eating away at me, something in my bag was calling to me, asking me to make sure it was still there.

I found a place under a barren tree, setting my pack down and starting to rummage around for my prize. I stared at the sky as my hand combed for the strange machine, brushing aside morphine injectors, assorted bullets, lint, and a plethora of other assorted crap. But under a roll of old gauze I found it, yanking it free and looking over the stained white surface.

I looked over the shield style mask, running my thumb across the faint blue paint along the two perfectly round eyepieces. The mask was near perfectly preserved, the faceplate scratched from shrapnel and a stray bullet grazing along the featureless curve of the nose. Where one's mouth would sit was nothing, just solid metal with a strangely textured material preventing sheen and damage.

The bright lights that once lit up the clear eyepieces were long since dead, as was the machine that sat behind the thin metal faceplate. It was a computer, it was a shield, it was an ID, but without power, it was just a hunk of metal and polymer. But it was all I had left of the man who'd saved my life. And putting it on, pulling the harness over the back of my head and looking through the eyes of the greatest soldiers in the world, it made me feel strong.

"Able...why are you out here in the cold?" A royal voice broke my concentration, making my leg kick out and dump my bag into the snow. I had the mask on my head, the eyepieces cutting visibility rather roughly. The leather seals that ran along the edges were a pain to get off without a tool the previous owner had lost.

I managed to pull it off, holding the dangly harness in my hands as Celestia looked down at me, "Uh...I uh...sitting." I mumbled, hoping she would simply accept it and leave me be.

She didn't, instead settling in next to me and looking at the dull grey interior of the mask. "I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to apologize...I was a little...unprofessional when we talked.... But when I saw you...it was like someone had put a foal behind those dungeon bars, and I just couldn't--"

I shook my head and tried to hide the mask, "It's not a big deal...I really don't--"

Celestia caught me, smiling warmly and enveloping my hands in magic. "Able...you smell like sweat and shame...what are you hiding?"

I shook my head and tried to pull away, "That's...unrelated. I--" I cut myself short as the mask was ripped from my grips, "Hey! You fucking give that back!" I screamed, grabbing Celestia by the chest piece, "You- fucking give that back now!"

Celestia looked utterly stunned, dropping my mask and leaning away, "Able!?"

I snatched it up and clutched it to my chest, "Why the fuck wouldn't you just let it go!?" I yelled, clutching the mask to my chest, "I never asked you to come out here!"

Celestia scooched away, "I came out here to check on you and apologize! I realize I was acting a bit odd and...when I basically threw myself at you...but I- what's wrong with you?"

I glared at her, my body hunched up and protecting the cherished gifted of friends gone. I took a deep breath, having to physically force my hands open to let go of the mask. I leaned back against the tree, feeling a feeling of utter loss as I thought back to this stupid piece of metal in my hands, "Look, it's just- I never talk about it. It brings up bad feelings...stuff I wish I could change...and thinking about those kinds of things doesn't help."

Celestia lowered her guard a bit, still visibly tense, "Able...I'm trying to help you...why would you-" she locked onto my hands deadlocked around the metal mask. "Able...can I see this?" She tapped it with her hoof, making me unreasonably angry. I had to fight myself not to explode at her, managing to let out a strange squeal instead. "Able...say something, please?"

I felt my arms start to tremble as I let go and held the mask in my right hand, holding it before her like an offering, "Just...be fucking careful...I don't--" Celestia took it with her magic, my body tensing up and hand balling into a fist at its absence.  "Wait!" I cried, trying to grab it. "I changed my--"

"Able...what is this?" Celestia asked, holding it up to her face, "You wear this?"

I did my best to remain calm. "Yes- yes...you- you wear it. But it's dead alright, so can I--"

Celestia's frown grew worried, "What do you mean it's dead? It's not alive."

I grabbed my own wrist, my hands feeling the need to hold something in the mask's absence. "It's battery powered...but it died a long time ago."

Celestia cocked her head, "What...like a spark battery? So I can just--" she cut herself off as bright blue display came to life in the eyepieces, a wide holographic visor picking up on the only video I knew how to play.

"Able, get the fuck down now!" the voice of my lost friend screamed, the images on the screen of the old user's arm and hand, thrown out to a soldier curled up behind a crumbling wall. My coat stained red as I watched myself cradle a dying fighter.

The video was terrible, the old user's view mostly held low to avoid getting his head blown off. It was mostly screaming, lots of pure white uniform pants stained with mud. But a familiar time came, and the scene bolted upright, revealing the dull forest where he died. The video was a shaky run over to me, a white gloved arm prying me from a dying soldier and to the ground. The terror on my face was horrid, making me feel extremely sick as I waited for what happened next.

"Full retreat, full fucking retre- *Aurgh!***" I cringed hard as a bone crunching ping and splat came from the mask. The video moved to the sky, filled by my frightened face as the words, user injured, flared across the screen.I scrambled away, leaving Celestia to watch the rest while I ran across the small clearing and tried to control my emotions. Seeing the video once again, I could see every mistake I made, I could feel every strain as I remembered trying to pull him back to safety. I remembered the medic telling me he was gone, the anger it brought up threatened to send me into a rage.

I heard the video cut out at my screaming, my pleading for the user not to die, "Whiskey, you fuck, you mother fucker stay awake! Whiskey, Ben, Ben come on man! Wesk talk to me!" my voice cried from the mask, causing me to speak along with it.

"Ben come on, Ben, stay awake damn it! Don't you fucking leave me alone out here! Ben!? Come on man, wake up damn it, wake up, wake the fuck up!" I screamed, remembering the feeling as I beat his chest, trying to bring some sort of life back into him. And then I remembered the worst. His arms, white sleeves covered in mud, reaching out and grabbing me by the forearms. His dying actions holding onto me while blood poured from his neck.

The video finally cut out. Leaving myself and Celestia in utter silence. Celestia cut the silence, standing up and running over to me, "Able...look at me." I refused trying to step away, "Able! You look at me!"

I couldn't turn around, "It's my fault you know...I was the reason he died." I croaked, trying to walk away.

I was spun around, facing Celestia's crying face, "Able...what happened?"

I felt my body trying to break down, my emotions welling up behind my eyes as I lurched forward and grabbed Celestia' by the back of the neck, hanging on to keep from falling forward, "What the fuck do you think happened!? Injured means fucking injured! What you think you can survive without a medic!? You think I could have save him, is that it!?"

"Able I never--"

"I tried damn it! A mile, I dragged him a mile towards camp before stopping and doing what I could! And it was all my god damn fault! He wouldn't have--"

"Able...."

"I could have been quicker, I could have been smarter--"

"Able stop!"

I buried my face in Celestia's neck, "I tried so hard...I tried so god damn hard to keep him around...but he fucking died alright! I just- he was there, then he wasn't. Just like nothing ever mattered, like he was a nobody! Just to fucking save me, he fucking killed himself, to save me, a nobody--"

Celestia wrapped a foreleg around my back, "Able...stop...."

"No!" I screamed, tightening my grip around her neck and finally letting myself go, "I- I could have done something else! I could have saved him damn it!"

Celestia's hoof roamed my back, "Able...you did everything you could--"

"No! I could have--"

Celestia rested her chin on the top of my head, "Shhh shh sh, Able...it's not your fault."

I lost it, clinging to the princess for dear life, "I tried so fucking hard...why'd he leave me...why'd he have to die!? I just- I never wanted to lose him...he was my best friend...he- I just...I never--"

I felt the weight on my back increase until I was brought to my knees, "Able...it's okay...."

I tried to push up, my legs crumbling and leaving me kneeling in the snow, Celestia' quickly joining me and keeping me pinned to her neck, "It's not...nothing is okay...and now I abandoned them...I left them all...."

Celestia started humming, her voice utterly beautiful and calming in the face of my most horrid memories. My life since coming here has been a ride, but each time my past found a way to claw itself back up I couldn't handle it. But something about the warm body pressed against my cheek was all I needed.

For this time, for the first time since I left Labrador, I let myself feel. I left my guard at its lowest, and I bared my soul to a princess who I barely knew. But I needed to, months of pinning back the loss of my friend had created a bitter shell around me, and for the first time since his death, I felt like I could let go of the mask, leave it. I felt safe, truly safe, for the first time in four years.

And I stayed with Celestia, relishing in the warm embrace of her wings for an untold time. From this time forward, I promised myself I would never try to hurt her again. She was the only other being alive that knew about my secret, and her sympathy was gold to me. She had won an ally, a loyal friend, and anything she could ask of me, I would do.