The wind whipped though Princess Platinum’s mane, causing it to billow out behind her as she stared down at the ground far below and the multitude of shambling monsters trudging through the marshy ground. The pursuing force, emboldened by their numbers and staggered by their various states of decomposition, had begun to spread out as those less mobile were left behind by their more lively kin. This suited the Princess just fine. Platinum looked back at Clover whose eyes were squeezed tightly shut against the wind. She shook her head and turned her sights back to the ground.

Behind her, Smart Cookie’s own eyes had remained wide and terrified as her back legs dangled freely in the empty air, her forelegs wrapped tightly around those of the pegasi carrying her. “Princess,” the earth pony shouted, her voice barely carrying as a gust of air whipped them from her mouth. “Are you sure this is the only way we could have gone after them?”

“Well it beats walking through that army!” Berry bellowed back, wincing as one of the airborne unicorns fried a ghoulish pegasi that had attempted to assault the strange formation of ponies.

“Oh yes, this is far more pleasant than walking!” Smart Cookie snapped, looking up and away from the nauseating vision of forests seeming small enough to walk though like tall grass.

“Well, had you not sent the chosen one and her companion off to die, perhaps we would not now be in this predicament,” Berry Sledge snarled as she rested a hoof on the handle of her great hammer.

“Oh do shut up!” Princess Platinum demanded, turning her head to look at the bickering ponies. “For the love of magic, would you stop your arguing for just a moment and help me look for them?” The two earth ponies nodded, though they shot one another hard glances, causing Princess Platinum to sigh. “My kingdom for an hour of peace and seclusion.”

On the ground the forces of the dead thinned as more and more monstrosities fell behind the reckless charge of their mad leader. In the distance, just ahead of the swiftest of their pursuers, the Princess could see two ponies galloping as fast as they could, occasional bolts of blue magic lancing out from one of them and sending their pursuers tumbling. “There!” She pointed toward the pair. “Dive my brave sisters! Cry havoc and let us save these idiots of war!”

“Oh no,” Smart Cookie whimpered as the pegasi turned down and dove in formation toward the ground, gaining speed as they raced the army of darkness for its prize. Below, the armored creature that led the evil force turned its head to the sky and bellowed in rage at the small army of armored ponies who had just appeared out of the cloudy air.

“You have got to be kidding me!” it screamed, stamping a hoof in irritation. “Colgate, you cheating moron, you’re not getting away from me that easily! Kill them all!”

At that, Colgate and Private Pansy turned to stare in disbelief as a group of unicorns and earth ponies, being carried by a team of rather tired looking pegasi, landed on the ground just behind them. “What in the world?” Colgate spluttered as Princess Platinum, mane as wild and body covered in silvery armor, strode up to her, sword raised high. Just as she reached Colgate the Princess spun on the spot and held out her blade as at the same time the rest of the ponies moved into formation and modeled her movement, creating a wall of steel and flesh between the approaching hoard and their leader.

“Cut them down while they are scattered and we are strong!” Platinum bellowed. “Give them no time to regroup, but advance!”

“What the hay just happened?” Colgate asked, looking from the armored ponies to Pansy. “What happened to us dying?”

“Change of plans,” Clover snapped as she fell back from the line, her magic creating a barrier overhead to protect them from oncoming missiles. “Your luck seems to outweigh your abilities tenfold.”

“Thanks!” Colgate replied, grinning as she started following behind the wall of ponies. “I have always said it better to be lucky than good.”

“You have?” Pansy asked.

“No, but I am going to start now!” Colgate laughed, shaking her head at her sudden change of luck. “I mean, seriously, how does this terrible day turn around any more?”

From the line an armored earth pony suddenly fell back, turning to face Colgate with a huge smile plastered across her face. “Chosen one!”

“Berry?” Colgate’s mouth dropped as the blacksmith embraced her. “What are you doing here?”

“I had heard of your predicament and wished to assist you!” Berry explained, pulling her bag out in front of her. “And to deliver you what I had promised you before your exile.” She pulled a long metal board from the bag, as well as a length of serrated chain and a strange box.

“That’s… great Berry.” Colgate offered, slightly less enthusiastically.

“Hold still,” the blacksmith chided, taking hold of Colgate’s metal leg and carefully detaching it from its harness. With a deft series of motions, Berry attached the box to Colgate’s leg stump, the board to the box and the chain to the board. Finally she passed a metal tab connected to a string inside of the box to Colgate. “Take this and pull on it and keep your leg raised when you do!”

Colgate gave her a confused nod and yanked on the tab. With a roar of magical energy that made the ponies around her start, the device sprung to life, causing the chain to spin around the board at an incredible speed. “What is this?” Colgate asked, looking at the chain as if hypnotized by it.

“I call it a chain board!” Berry explained. “Try it!” The ponies standing before Colgate moved aside as Berry pushed the reluctant mare forward till she was facing the oncoming dead.

“Me and my big stupid mouth,” Colgate moaned, lifting the chain board out in front of her as a huge, graying stallion charged her.

“Now!” Berry screamed, giving Colgate a hard push toward the stallion. In a second Colgate was pelted by a spray of gore as the chain board sawed thought the monster as if it were made of butter. Berry ducked as both sides halted and stared at the grizzly spectacle. Finally the stallion fell to pieces, leaving Colgate standing perfectly still, covered in blood and bits of flesh. Berry looked out from behind her back and brushed a small amount of skull from Colgate’s flank. “So, how do you feel?”

Somepony helped steady Colgate as she raised her good front leg, wiped the gore from her eyes, and looked from the chain board to the rest of the deities. She smiled. “Groovy.”

“Charge!” somepony bellowed, and with a scream the whole company advanced, crashing into the disorganized dead like an unstoppable wave of metal and flesh. Colgate’s vision was blocked out as the world became a narrow corridor, with armored ponies to both sides and enemies in front. At one moment she thought she saw Berry lunge ahead, hammer shattering a skeletal unicorn into a shower of bones and at another she could have sworn that an enormous, headless earth pony was swallowed up by a pillar of bright purple magic, but for the most part her attention was wholly focused on the whirring chain and the results of its grizzly work.

Then as Colgate wiped the blood from her eyes, everything stopped. In front of her, a solid wall of horribly decayed ponies stood, spears and swords and pitchforks pointed at the living and in front of them. Bloodstained spear in hoof, a lone armored figure pointed its weapon directly at Colgate.

“Enough!” it snarled as the company slowed to a stop, warily watching the dead and their mysterious leader. “I have had it up to here with you, Colgate!” they shouted, stamping a hoof in irritation. “My army will soon have the castle and with it, my book.” The figure tore off its helmet, causing the company to gasp in shock as Colgate’s own mutilated face glared at her from across the battle field with its one remaining eye. “But until I shove this rotting spear through your brain I am not going to be able to enjoy that! So here is the deal.” She turned her head to look at the others. “We outnumber you all two to one and I have reinforcements catching up every second. If you try and fight us, we will kill you all without a doubt.”

“Then come and get us! We will fight you to the end!” somepony challenged before a loud clang signaled somepony else knocking him upside the head.

“Right, as I was saying,” Evil Colgate picked up, “We will kill you all, but there is a chance the chosen one will die at the hoofs of one of my minions… or more likely she will run away while you all die and then I need to chase her down again till some other improbable turn of luck delays the inevitable.” She sighed. “Again. So here is my proposal; I want Colgate and I want the book. After that, I can destroy the world at my own pace. That gives you all time to make peace with your loved ones or try and mount some doomed resistance or whatever.” She waved a hoof dismissively. “Anyway, you get some more time and all you have to do in return is not throw away your lives in a pointless battle and let me fight Colgate one on one, beat her, kill her and then cut off her head and stick it on my spear. Seem fair?”

Colgate felt a sudden sinking sensation as a number of hooves gently rested against her back side and slid her forward and out of the ranks.

“Good luck chosen one!” somepony whispered from her left.

“We know you can do it!” another encouraged from the right.

“Hold up!” Colgate shouted as the ranks closed behind her and she found herself standing in between the two armies. “You all just came to save me! What the hay?”

“Actually we came for Private Pansy,” Smart Cookie offered, holding onto the pegasus who was attempting to fly to Colgate’s side. “But we are all very impressed by your willingness to stand up for others!”

“Fear not, chosen one!” Clover offered. “If you are indeed destined to defeat the evil that has threatened our land, then you’re fated to win this! And if not, then somepony else can come along later and fix your horrible mistakes!”

“I hate all of you!” Colgate screamed as the company took a few steps backward. “Seriously, everypony in this time period sucks!”

“Take heart!” Berry encouraged, jumping up and waving from over the heads of the frontline ponies. “Your darker half is missing an eye and only has a spear. Your victory is all but assured!”

“But she is an un-killable super monster!” Colgate wailed as she turned to see her doppelganger advancing on her, grin spreading across its face. “Aw… horse apples.”

Colgate threw herself to the side, her evil clone’s spear missing her by inches as she attacked. Colgate retreated parallel to her former line as Evil Colgate stalked forward, jabbing and slashing with the spear tip in quick movements, careful to not over-commit or let Colgate get close enough to take a counter attack with her chain board.

“Come on!” Colgate battered away at the spear with her own weapon, but before the chain could do more than scrape the wood, Evil Colgate whipped it away with a smirk. “Stop doing that and just come at me!”

“Oh…” The mutilated mare pretended to think for a moment before grinning. “Nah, I think I am going to just keep doing this-” She darted forward and jabbed Colgate’s hoof, drawing blood. “-until one of us can’t keep going.” She watched Colgate wince as she slowly backed away, blood running in rivulets down her wounded hoof. “After all the running around you have done today I can’t imagine it will be all that long.”

At her vile duplicate’s words, Colgate felt a wave of exhaustion sweep over her. Even just thinking about how long it had been since she had been able to just sit down for ten minutes made her feel faint. The chain board drooped as she felt her body start to slow down. As her thoughts began to drift, Colgate suddenly lurched back as the tip of the spear lanced out to within a hair’s breadth of her right eye.

“Ha! Not done yet?” Evil Colgate slowly flanked Colgate, forcing the tired pony’s back to the army of the dead. “Good. I would hate to make this too quick for you.”

Colgate put on her best brave face and spat at her adversary. “Your over confidence is going to be your downfall- OW!” Colgate’s taunt was cut off as one of her back legs sank into an exceptionally deep patch of swampy ground. As she collapsed backward, Evil Colgate charged ahead, bringing her spear down with a triumphant shout. On instinct, Colgate threw the chain board out in front of herself, knocking the spear away just before it sank into her chest.

As her spear sunk into the muck Evil Colgate growled and tried to yank her weapon free for the killing blow, but before she could Colgate rolled onto her side, driving the chain board’s edge against the spear shaft with a desperate strength. “Get off!” the mutilated mare bellowed, kicking Colgate with a steel-clad hoof. “Stop that! You’re going to break it!”

“Good!” Colgate spat, flinching at the kicks, but not pulling back as the chain tore through the spear in a spray of splinters. With a grunt, Evil Colgate yanked what was left of the weapon free with a crack as the end dissolved under the teeth of the chain board.

“Oh that’s really mature!” the vile duplicate spat, looking at her ruined spear before tossing it aside. “You just have to take the fun out of everything, don’t you?”

“When it involves me dying, yes!” Colgate snapped, slowly crawling to all fours.

“Well then, I guess there is no point in dragging this out, is there?” Evil Colgate walked past Colgate and levitated a sword from one of her undead soldiers. “Now then, let’s finish this once and for all.”

“AGREED!” Colgate bellowed, suddenly leaping forward and driving the chain board into Evil Colgate’s neck. The unnatural night was filled with a terrifying scream as the chain ate though the evil mares neck like a high-powered sander though a stick of butter. Clumps of coagulated blood, fur and bone sprayed out in all directions as Colgate drove the weapon less-than-cleanly through her rival’s neck. As the head fell to the soft earth, Colgate turned away from the body, lowering her weapon as she let out a long, overdue sigh.

“It’s over,” she stated, allowing the magic powering the board to fade.

A tap on her flank caused Colgate to turn back around, only to be hit hard in the face by the decapitated torso. “You know, that was a low blow for a goody little four shoes,” the severed head of Evil Colgate remarked as her body tackled Colgate to the ground, pounding her into the marsh under a flurry of punches. “I mean, cutting off my head when I was disarmed and had my back turned. I’m not so bitter about the whole thing to not admit that I am impressed.”

Colgate raised her hoofs to protect her face from the merciless attack of the headless horse. The chain board had fallen to the side and with each blow, her ability to focus her magic to seize it quickly evaporated as her whole attention was absorbed by the far more pressing concern of not letting her face get beaten into mush. The world seemed to shrink around her till all that existed was herself and the body. Nothing mattered beyond the next strike. Each hit caught on a leg or hoof was a victory, each stunning burst of pain in her face or gut a defeat.

“Seems almost anticlimactic to let things end like this,” the head mused from the sidelines. “Though, I suppose you brought this upon yourself by breaking my spear and not letting me fight you in a proper sword fight.” It clicked its tongue. “And I am going to look ridiculous when I plunge the world into a final apocalyptic darkness, but oh well.” Colgate cried out in pain as a hoof struck home, smashing into her mouth. “I suppose neither of us can have nice things,” the head laughed. “Get it? Because you cut off my head and I broke your precious teeth!” It laughed even harder before glaring at its army. “You know, you can join in anytime you want.” There was a brief pause before a low murmur of awkward laughter rippled through the ranks of the forces of darkness.

Somepony on the other side of the lines coughed.

“Oh forget it,” the head grumbled as it watched the body raise a hoof over the all-but-defeated body of Colgate for a finishing blow. “We will see who’s laughing when this is over.”

A sudden cry rose from the living side as everypony’s attention turned to the sky. Confused, the head looked in the direction and felt its jaw drop the incredibly short distance to the ground as it observed the host of flying, armored ponies flying toward them over the horizon. With sudden panic building somewhere in its lower neck stump, the head hopped around to face its army. “What are you idiots waiting for? Pick me up so I can command you!”

A of hoof grabbed the head from behind and lifted it up, carrying it toward the front of the new line against the oncoming pegasi. “Good!” it shouted. “Now lift me up so that I may better observe our line!” When its carrier ignored the command the head glared up at it. “What, are you deaf?” it demanded before feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of its neck.

Colgate’s face was a ruined mass of cuts, bruises and broken teeth, but her eyes were set with a cold determination. With a horrified shock, it occurred to the head that it had neglected to control its own body after noticing the new threat and so had completely missed its victim shoving the animated corpse off herself as it stood motionless above her. The head, for the first time in its short life, felt truly, truly as stupid as its original copy.

Colgate hobbled forward as the uncertain and still-divided army of the dead was smashed on two sides by the remaining members of her rescue party and the armies of Commander Hurricane, the struggling head still clutched in her hoof. “What are you doing?” the head demanded. “Put me down at once!”

“Whatever you say,” Colgate growled as she reached the edge of a deep pond of murky water.

“Oh you have got to be kidding me!?” the head moaned. “You can’t be serious?” Whatever else it might have added was lost as Colgate dropped the head into the pool of water, watching it disappear with a splash beneath the surface.

Feeling a deep sense of weariness Colgate slowly trudged back to the spot where she had wriggled free from the frozen, headless body and past the armies of the dead which had begun to crumble under the onslaught of the armies of the living without their leader or book to guide them. Revving the chain board’s engine, Colgate turned on the motionless abomination which still stood, poised and waiting for the order to stick one final blow.

Colgate gritted her teeth and raised the chain board above her head. “Now, let’s finish this!”

Author's Note

Finding time to write this was fun... Then my editor was busy for about a month before she could get time to work on this, so ya. Good times.

Anyway fun fact about the ending, I had written the outline for two endings. The first and my personal pick was based on the directors cut of Army of Darkness and would have Colgate oversleep, waking up after the mega spell detonations from Fall Out: Equestria. That would follow into a possible trilogy capper called, "Hail to the Queen" in which Colgate must find and destroy the Necronomicon in a irradiated wasteland based on FO:E.

But, my editor and all my pre readers said that ending was far to bleak, so just like Sam Raimi I went for option 2. The Theatrical Cut Ending.

Enjoy!