The Network Rises Again... Kind Of
Good evening ladies and gentlecolts. I’m… well, you’ll know me soon enough. The point is that I’ve got a damn important story for all of you. It’s about me and some of my friends and how we ended up here in Equestria. We all knew each other from the Doompie fanfiction reading network, but after this, I don’t think the network is coming back on earth. I think it’s time to tell you the story, and I’m gonna tell you exactly as I remember it, so it’s gonna be… pretty explicit.
“Holy fuck!” I gaped, looking at my surroundings. “Why do I feel like I’ve seen this before?” My head gently scanned the area. Buildings of about average house size were everywhere. Out of one of the houses stepped a pony with a very light aquamarine coat and a horn sticking out of her forehead… wait… PONY?!
I gulped. I had the feeling I knew what was going on. “That’s Lyra… That’s Lyra Heartstrings from My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic… Holy shit, I’m a Human in Equestria… Déjà vu, man, Déjà fuckin’ Vu. I know this genre and I know that this will not end well. Not at all!” I looked up and saw I was laying under the balcony at the front of Ponyville’s Town Hall.
I climbed to my feet, continuing to scan my new location, but something felt kind of… off. I fell forward, but instead of hitting the ground like I had expected, I landed on my hands… they didn’t feel like hands, though. I looked down to see two black hooves planted on the ground beneath my body.
“Holy sweet mother of almighty Christ,” I muttered. “This is bad news bears. Please tell me I’m not a black and red Alicorn, for the love of GOD!” I lifted a front hoof up to feel if I had wings… nope! I sighed in relief. “Thank fuckin’ god!” I remembered that wings weren’t the only thing a pony in Equestria could have. I reached the same forehoof up and tapped on a strange bony cone sticking from my forehead which had a fairly thick mane over it. “Well, I’ve always thought it would be fun to have magic,” I murmured.
Looking around, I realized that I had no idea in the slightest how I got there. I just got there and… there I was. No rhyme or reason as far as I could tell, but I disregarded that considering that’s an irrelevant detail, or at least as far as I’m concerned. Descending from the wooden steps and onto the earth below me, I began to wonder WHY I was here more than how. I shrugged, figuring that if this was one of those fanfictions, I’d find out eventually. I began to walk aimlessly down a street, looking for something that might give me an idea of what to do first. I honestly didn’t care what my situation was, I was just shocked by how weird the situation was.
“PSSST!” I ignored the noise and kept walking, thinking it was directed at someone (or somepony, in this case) else. “PSSSSST! YOU!” Looking around me, I became aware that it had to be directed at me… I was the only one around there at the moment. The dark alleyway between two houses across the street from me had a dark figure standing in it. I could see greyish-white mane on one side of his head and black mane on the other side. He had no horn, and from where I was standing, no wings, but he had a strange look to him that made him hard to miss. His coat was grey and half of his mane was black, the other side light grey… but his eyes were a radiant blue. So radiant, I could swear his irises were made with perfect Lapis Lazuli.
“Come here,” the pony motioned. “I need to talk to you!” I walked over slowly, the ground under my hooves seeming colder and colder the more I moved towards him. It felt like an hour, but I was standing in front of the strange pony. He looked me in the eyes. “Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“I can’t say I do,” I responded, slightly creeped out. “You look somewhat familiar, though. Might I ask who YOU are?”
“My name is Lord Emil,” he smiled. My jaw dropped open. His eyes darted back and forth before he asked, “What?”
“It’s me… Winr…” Didn’t ring a bell for him. I sighed, “Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs!”
He gasped in surprise. “Wow, so I’m not alone, here!”
“I guess not…” I paused awkwardly. “How did we get here, anyways?”
“I dunno,” Emil shrugged.
“Fucking Deus Ex Machina making plot convenience easy but confusing as fuck to everyone,” I muttered.
“Whatever that means,” he mumbled.
“Who else do you think is here?” I asked.
“I don’t know that either,” Emil answered.
“Well, I doubt we’re the only two inserts here so we might as well start looking around,” I said, wondering if any other Doompie Network readers had made it to Equestria.
The street was quiet, all except for the sound of me and Emil’s hooves gently clapping against the ground repeatedly. We continuously just walked, occasionally turning onto a different street. As far as I could tell, we were going in circles, but I frankly didn’t care. Suddenly, Emil broke the silence with a sigh before he spoke. “Man, do you think they have Canadian ponies?”
I shot him a strange look. “Uh… I know this is a My Little Pony fanfiction, but the writer probably isn’t THAT stupid,” I told him. “Why do you ask?”
“Because I’m craving some Canada ass, man!” Emil grunted, licking his lips at the thought. I had the urge to turn and run before I said anything else, but I was a bit confused at his choice of words.
“What do you mean “Canada ass?”” I asked
“I mean Canada ass!” he yelled in excitement. “I’m just craving a Canadian girl’s pussy right now, man!”
“Oh, I thought you meant a literal “Canada ass,”” I sighed in relief. “You don’t just go up to someone and go “Damn, girl, yo’ ass looks like Canada!””
“Hell no, but that’d mean it’s big and I’d like that, too.” I face hoofed.
As soon as I looked up, I saw something I thought was crazy. “Speaking of Canada,” I said, poking Emil and pointing at a pony up ahead. It was another earth pony, but this one had a white coat with red streaks through his mane and tail. As a cutie mark… he had a Canadian flag… I’m not fucking kidding you.
The pony noticed we were staring at him and looked our way. Suddenly, his face lit up with excitement. He rushed over to Emil and hugged him around the neck before saying in an all-too-familiar voice, “Emil, buddy, I’m so glad you’re safe!”
“Intrapulation?” I questioned.
“Winrar!” he gasped, pulling me into the hug as well.
I noticed Emil mouthing over and over “Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl.” He suddenly looked down to Intrapulation’s back legs. “FUCK!” he yelled.
“Twelve hundred words in and we’ve already established three main characters, two of which already have constant annoying traits that can be identified… this is gonna be brilliant,” I grumbled angrily.
“I was so worried about you guys,” Trap said, releasing us from his hug and stepping back slightly to look us in the eyes. “You two are some of my best friends. Did you find any of the other Doompie readers here? Are you the only two? I’m worried about everyone else. Friends have to stick together!”
“Make that a third trait: overly-kind and overly-concerned” I thought.
“The others are probably here, too. We just have to find them. I don’t think that should be too hard, though,” Emil answered.
“I’m gonna bet we find Sleipniiir next,” I said monotonously.
“I’m gonna bet on Backslasherton,” Emil added.
“I don’t care who we find,” Trap joined in. “As long as I know they’re safe, that’ll make me happy.”
Meanwhile, a certain Mr. Jameson was walking around town, a special shining sharp silver sword grasped in his magic to position it directly in front of him. The stallion was blank white all over, not a single spot of color showing on him in any place. “So, that’s your opinion on it?” he asked, tilting his head as he stared at the sword intensely. “Well, he does seem to be the kind of thing Equestrian society would need to get rid of.” Jameson looked over at the Alicorn with a blood red coat complimented by his jet black mane. He was conversing with Snips who seemed to be practically in ecstasy just by being in his presence.
Jameson nodded his head as he squinted at the Alicorn. “You’re right, Phillip,” Jameson growled. “We can’t have a black and red Alicorn OC with a troubled past live while we’re here… he must die now!”
Superprince Darkshadow continued his leisurely conversation with Snips as his senses began to go wild. “What’s the matter, Superprince Darkshadow? Is there something disturbing the most awesome Superprince in the history of time?”
“I don’t know, but something seems… off,” Superprince Darkshadow spoke in his epic dark voice only worthy of Superprince Darkshadow. “I’ve just got this little feeling tha-“ The Superprince’s eyes grew massive as his head slid off of his shoulders and onto the ground, leaving a trail of blood behind, as well as a fountain of it to squirt from the open stump where his head used to be. The terrible OC’s body slumped to the ground as a blade, now stained with Darkshadow’s blood, was punched through the top of Snips’s head.
The blade yanked from the head of the carcass of Snips as Jameson looked at it with a cheerful smile. “That was amazing, Phillip! You’re like an artist, just with murder!”
And for the record, yes, this is extremely important. I told you I was gonna tell you the whole story. That means everything I was told about, too.
Back to me, Emil and Trap… okay, so there wasn’t much that we were doing for a while except for aimlessly wondering around the town. We didn’t really do anything fun, either. Plus, the events above were reported pretty quickly compared to how it works with humans. In fact, it was reported within minutes and guards were there with heavy forces within ten minutes of that alert. Also, when I say heavy forces, I mean HEAVY FORCES.
Well, shortly after a lot of those heavy forces realized that the culprit didn’t stand there for around fifteen minutes, all but two appointed guards left. Those two idiots were the ones assigned to tell the Princess what had gone down… when she arrived, of course. Until then, they were just there to keep other ponies away from the corpses of the victims. Of course, the three of us had no fucking clue what was going on. We hadn’t heard anything or seen anything and, well, hear no evil, see no evil, sense no evil, don’t figure out what important shit is going down. That’s just the way the world works.
I eventually did go off to look around on my own for a little while, mostly because I was getting sick of Emil’s constant catcalling and sexual comments to every female creature that he saw, but also because I wanted to see if I could find anything of interest. Indeed, I did find something interesting. I came upon a huge corner shop (not on a corner of the street, though) made entirely of gingerbread-looking material. Above a bright pink doorway hung a sign that said “SUGARCUBE CORNER” in huge letters. I smiled at the sight of the familiar building, but decided not to explore further. Intrapulation would probably get pretty “worried” if I didn’t join him and Emil again soon, so I ran in the direction I came from as fast as I possibly could in order to catch up to the two others.
They happened to be right around the corner, but looking down a road with a thousand yard stare that made me a little curious as to what they were staring at. I went and looked down the road, standing behind them. I didn’t blame them for their surprise. Down the street, in between two houses were two carcasses covered in huge pools of blood. One of the bodies was missing a head, but it could be conveniently found inches away from the decapitated bodies. One of the bodies belonged to Snips and the other one belonged to someone who I wouldn’t miss even if I had known him… A red and black Alicorn OC, probably with a troubled past and a stupid-ass name…
“Well… I didn’t need to see that,” I said, breaking the deafening silence around us. Trap and Emil jumped.
“I don’t think that was one of our friends, though, so that’s relieving for me.” Intrapulation smiled at Emil and I.
“I don’t know about you, but he was black and red and he was an Alicorn OC,” I sighed. “The only good black and red Alicorn OC is a dead one that can’t totally fuck up a story beyond all repair.”
“I’d have to agree,” Emil nodded. He paused for a moment before saying something else, “Do you think there are female Royal Guards?”
“Don’t know, don’t care and DON’T want to find out!” I blurted, making sure Emil couldn’t piss me off more than he already had. My curiosity overtook me and I approached the two guards watching the bodies. “Hey, fellas,” I greeted them casually. “Would either of you two happen to know what happened here?”
“A double murder,” one guard said, his gaze remaining straight ahead.
“Well… I know that, but, like, specifically, what happened here?”
“Somepony murdered these two civilians with an edged weapon. One decapitated, the other getting stabbed through the top of the head,” the other guard continued
“Something I don’t know,” I added.
“A strawberry is not actually a berry but a banana is,” the first guard blurted out, still staring straight ahead.
“No! I want to know something about what happened here!”
“It was a double murder,” the first guard repeated.
I sighed. “Do you know who did it?”
“Irrelevant,” the second guard responded.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I yelled. “That’s probably the most relevant thing to look into right now!”
“He MEANS he doesn’t know,” the first guar clarified.
“So I guess you told them your level of education was irrelevant when you applied for the job, then?” I asked, looking over at the second guard with my eyebrow raised
The first guard finally stopped staring directly ahead and instead looked down at me. “Look, we don’t know anything about what happened. All we know is there were two innocent ponies killed and the Princes is on her way right now to take a look at the bodies. She’s bringing in her best detective as well since homicide is extremely rare in Equestria.”
“Now, that’s the explanation I was looking for,” I smiled. I turned and walked away from the guards, heading back towards Emil and Intrapulation. “Okay, so they don’t know who did what and why. I guess we don’t really have much of a reason to hang around the scene of the crime, so let’s go look for the other guys,” I suggested. “I think I have a good idea on where to look first, too.”
Down at Sugarcube Corner, there was an angry crowd throwing things at a jet black earth pony stallion that was standing up on the counter. The only one who wasn’t yelling at him to go away was Pinkie Pie, who was dying of laughter on the ground. “Come on! What are you, and audience or a jury?” he yelled. A cupcake hit him right in between the eyes, leaving pink frosting over the black fur.
Pinkie got up off the ground and bounced up to the counter where the pony was standing. “Tell one more! Tell one more!”
“Okay, but just for you, Pinkie,” he smiled. “I’m a real ladies man, you know! I had this one gal banging on my door all night so loud I couldn’t sleep, so I had to let her out!” Pinkie broke into another fit of laughter, falling on the ground, her limbs flailing around as she laughed uncontrollably. Another cupcake hit the pony on the counter.
“You suck!” one pony in the crowd yelled.
“Go away!” another called out.
“HOT POCKETS!” a third one hollered.
The black pony stepped off behind the counter and held out a hoof for Pinkie. She grabbed his hoof and hoisted herself up with the pony’s help, still giggling. “I don’t get why nopony likes your jokes, Endy! They’re amazing!” Pinkie said through her laughing
“Well, I can’t please everypony,” he responded. “I’m glad you like them, though.”
Emil, Trap and I were standing outside the door to Sugarcube Corner, listening in. We had gotten there just in time for the last joke. “I could swear that voice belonged to Enderbrony,” I muttered, just loud enough so the other two could hear.
“I thought I heard Pinkie say his name,” Emil added.
“I’m just glad he’s okay,” Trap smiled. I felt like punching him to get him to shut up, but I figured he was just trying to be nice and punching him… not the best idea.
I swung open the front door to the bakery, walking in casually and proceeding up to the counter. “Excuse me, I heard a mentioning of the Enderbrony here. Is he still around?” I asked, trying not to sound suspicious.
“I’m right here,” a pure black pony said, raising a hoof with a smile. Dark purple eyes accompanied the fur and made him look like he should’ve had a horn and wings, but surprisingly, he was missing both. ”It’s better than being left here!” he added. Pinkie started laughing again.
“That was fucking terrible,” I told him bluntly.
“Well, I’m trying my best,” Endy moaned childishly.
“Yeah, well your best sucks, now let’s go.” I turned around and stopped to say something else. “I’ve found Emil and Intrapulation, man. Let’s go!”
Endy hopped over the counter. “I’ll talk to you later Pinkie!” Endy called back over his shoulder. Pinkie Pie just waved at him with a smile.
The second Endy stepped outside, he was caught by Intrapulation who hugged him tightly. “ENDY!”
“I’m here,” he squeaked. “But I won’t be for long if you keep hugging me like this.”
Trap let go of Endy and stepped back a bit. “Hehe, sorry.”
“Alright, we’ve found four out of eight Doompie readers,” I alerted them. “We still need to find Sleipniiir, HeroAbsol, Backslasherton and Jameson.”
“Well, where do you think Jameson would be right now?” Trap asked.
“I know where I’m gonna be,” Emil interrupted, staring intently at Carrot Top who was right down the street. “Inside her!”
“No!” I snapped, bopping Emil on the head. “Bad Emil! Bad boy! No Pony pusspuss! Doompie members need to be found first!”
“Okay! Okay! No need to get violent,” he said, rubbing his head with a hoof.
“Anyway, wherever Jameson is, the writer’s not gonna give him an easy time, I’m gonna guarantee that right now.”
“That’s just not… WRITE of him to do that!” Endy added.
BONK! “OW!”
“No! Bad Endy!” I scolded him. “Let me end the fucking chapter!... Okay!” I huffed and got ready to continue. “Wherever Jameson is, the writer is gonna give him a hell of a hard time!”
The Rise Of... Sleipniiir?
Backslasherton’s navy blue coat caught one guard’s eye as he passed by the scene of the double murder. “SIR!” the guard barked. “I would like to know if you saw anything that happened here!”
Backslasherton looked at the corpses, the blood getting slightly dry underneath them. “I’m not sure what happened here, but I’m sure those ponies had done something to deserve it.”
“That is a very suspicious statement, sir,” the second guard interrupted. “You aren’t lying to us, are you?”
“Of course not!” Slasherton replied with a smile. “I’d never have the stomach to do that myself. At least I’m not the victim! That would be terrible.”
The guards eyed Slasherton carefully. He had no horn, just wings, so it was unlikely that he was capable of doing it, even if he could get a grip on a sword. “I’m just gonna be on my way,” Slasherton chirped. “You guys have a nice day! Good luck with finding out who did that!” With that, Backslasherton proceeded to skip along the road, getting strange looks from all ponies that saw him. Finally, Slasherton passed an alleyway… where he was pulled in by a grey hoof.
“I got him!” Emil hissed over to me. “He’s not struggling at all!”
“Of course not!” Slasherton spoke up. “Why would I run away from something that could be super nice?”
“Well, what if we were mugging you?” I asked.
“At least I wouldn’t die?”
“What if we were going to rape you?” Endy chimed in. I shot him a dirty look for bringing that up with such a light tone of voice, but he didn’t see me. Hell, I’m not even sure I saw him. After all, we both have black coats so we blend in pretty damn well in a dark alley.
“I still probably wouldn’t die!” Slasherton reiterated.
“Well, we got another, idiot with an annoying trait.” I sighed and stepped forward. “Emil, you can let go of him. It’s me, Chesterfield. We also have Intrapulation and Endy, but Endy blends in pretty fucking well with the background here.”
Intrapulation bear hugged Slasherton. Slasherton giggled and hugged him back. “I was so worried!” Trap said, squeezing Slasherton to the point where his spinal column could be heard cracking.
“Yeah, yeah, reuniting friends, whatever!” I passed them off. “We still have to find Jameson, Sleipniiir and HeroAbsol.”
“Hero might not have come here since he’s all the way in Sweden,” Emil began. “He might have appeared somewhere far from here.”
“Thank you for actually explaining something pertaining to the story, Emil,” I said. “It helps a lot more. We only need to find two more in that case.”
“Where would Jameson be?” Endy asked, stepping forward.
Princess Celestia stepped out of her chariot and onto the dirt road. There she stood, staring at two houses. Well, that’s not true. She was actually staring at what was between the two houses… the corpses of Snips and some red and black Alicorn OC with a troubled past. “This is not good,” Celestia mumbled. She turned to her guards. “Go take a break. You could probably use the rest and I might be a while.”
The guards nodded and walked off. From down the street in the same place he had spotted his earlier victims, Jameson stared at the white pony princess examining his (and Phillip’s) handiwork. Jameson suddenly turned to look at his sword. He lifted his ear closer to it and paused. “Kill the princess?” he asked. “Why would I do that, Phillip? We could get killed if they find out.”
Another long pause came over Jameson as he listened to what seemed like nothing. His mouth formed into a smile slowly. “And if we take over after she’s dead, we can kill anypony we want to!” Jameson pranced in place like an excited school filly. “Phillip, you’re a genius! And, you know what they say! When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat covered in razor blades!”
The princess was trying to read the final thoughts of the stupid-looking Alicorn, but something interrupted her. Her back leg was burning quite a bit. She turned back to see a silver sword sticking straight through her leg. The sword pulled out, bringing a gush of bright red blood along with it. It was swiftly twirled around and then plunged into her side, knocking her over. Jameson got to the side of Celestia as he jammed his sword right underneath her horn to tear it off. Celestia emitted an ear-piercing scream as the boney structure was separated from her body. “This was a brilliant idea Phillip!” Jameson laughed maniacally. He swiftly cut open the side of Celestia’s body and began randomly stabbing at her internal organs, each one splattering more blood onto his (previously) pristine white coat and mane. She had stopped moving by the time he was done.
“That was fun, Phillip!” Jameson said joyfully as he looked over his newest accomplishment. “What will we do with the body, though?” Jameson listened intently to his imaginary friend. “Okay, so we just leave it here?” Silence again came as Jameson listened. “The natural scheme of things will take care of it for us! Okay! You’ve never steered me wrong before, Phillip!”
“Now THAT was some crazy shit,” A deep voice rang out from the alleyway that contained Jameson’s “art” gallery. Celestia’s wounds began to spontaneously close and her horn began to grow back. “Why do I feel like shit on my body is closing up?” the voice said, resonating from Celestia. She slowly stood up, wobbling a little. Okay, so, I’m obviously a pony with white hooves, but why do I have these gold things on the bottoms of them?” She looked behind her. What she saw made her emit another ear-piercing scream. What was strange was… it was in a deep voice that nobody noticed… nobody except the five of us that were talking in the alleyway.
“That’s a hell of a familiar voice?” I muttered as the other four guys continued talking. “Why does it sound so familiar?”
“I’m walkin’ on sunshine! Woah! I’m walkin’ on sunshine! Woah!” Jameson sang as he joyfully sauntered down the street, I stared with complete astonishment. He was carrying a blood-stained sword and he was wearing a blood-stained coat and mane… I personally didn’t want to know about that, but still! Either way, I knew the voice belonged to Jameson and so I ran out of the alleyway and caught up to him.
“Jameson! It’s me! Chesterfield!” I called. Jameson turned and smiled. “Come back here, man! We were looking for you!”
I lead him back to the other four who were ecstatic to be reunited with another friend, especially Intrapulation, but by now you should’ve expected that.
“Wait guys,” Jameson said, interrupting our rejoice over finding one of the last Doompie readers. Jameson just stood there, his ear twitching slightly as if he were listening to someone. “Okay, I won’t, Phillip,” he said randomly.
“Phillip?” I asked. “Who the fuck is Phillip?”
“He’s my friend,” Jameson laughed. “He helps me with everything and he never makes wrong decisions, so I obey him always,” Jameson continued, bringing his sword in and hugging it as if it were a significant other to him.
“What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Jameson?” I asked. “Alright, WHOEVER IS WRITING THIS, I WANT OUT! PLEASE! PLEASE GET ME OUTTA HERE!” No help came, obviously. “It was worth a shot. Anyways, now all we need to find is Sleipniir and then we can get the hell out of here.
“But what about my pony pusspuss?” Emil questioned with the whine of a child.
“We’ll buy you a Dakimakura when we get back,” I huffed.
“What the hell is going on?” the soul trapped in Celestia wondered to himself. “Why am I here and more importantly, why am I Princess Celestia?” He stepped out of the alleyway and began looking around to see if he could find anyone to help him. Nobody. He remembered, “I have wings now. I’ll just search from the sky!” He began to flap his wings until he was able to see over the houses. Wobbling in the air, he slowly and cautiously began to fly over Ponyville, carefully scanning the streets for anyone he could recognize.
He didn’t really recognize their faces, but he heard some familiar voices coming from an alley down below. He could’ve sworn… No, they couldn’t be here!
“Guys, is that you?” he called landing outside the alleyway.
I looked over at the princess who was looking at me in disbelief. His gaze scanned all of us with the same pure astonishment. Jameson gave him the same look. ”Phillip killed you!” he muttered.
“What? No! It’s me, Sleipniiir!” the Celestia said.
“It does sound like him,” I admitted.
“It is me, asshole,” Sleipniiir grunted. “Look, if I’m the princess, I should be able to get you guys places to stay in the castle, right? Let’s go there and discuss this when everyone’s had some rest.”
“Works for me,” Emil agreed. “I’m betting there are some hot maids at that castle!”
“Just don’t SLEIP on your way out of the alley!” Endy laughed. I hit him on the head again.
"Let's all just go and get some rest. We'll discuss this later," I sighed. Sleip turned and started walking the other way. I quickly followed behind him and the others behind me. We took the train to Canterlot and we were assigned rooms of our own in the castle, blah, blah, blah. Details are a thing.
I was left in my room alone thinking to myself what Sleipniiir's trait was. Emil was insanely horny, Intrapulation was really over-attached to his friends to the point where it's creepy, Endy is essentially a bad stand-up comedian who doesn't know when to stop, Backslasherton is WAY too optimistic about everything and Jameson is a fucking psychopath! I also noticed that I break the 4th wall of the story constantly. What could Sleipniiir's strange little quirk be?
... A big problem... that's what it could be.
Say Hello To The Conflict!
Now, don't get me wrong, Sleipniiir is a great guy. He is currently and he was when we worked together on the network... but... ehehehe... when the next morning came... well... things went downhill... and fast. I woke up in my bed and, for some reason, didn't want to go back to sleep. Yes, that's a totally new thing to me. I got up and walked to the kitchen of the small housing complex next to the royal bedroom. Only Emil and Endy were there, both were sitting at the massive table sipping at coffee and talking. Endy was making bad jokes whenever he could and of course, Emil was talking about things... you know what things I mean.
I joined them, skipping out on the coffee because I absolutely hate the taste of coffee. I didn't join in the conversation, I just sat and listened. It felt like an eternity, but someone else finally entered the room. Sleipniiir in his new female alicorn body waltzed in happily, a huge smile slammed across his face. "Guys, you would not believe how awesome it is to be in this body!" he said joyfully. "I can fly and use magic that is stronger than any other pony in Equestria!"
"Fascinating," I replied sarcastically.
"But that's not all!" he continued. "You would not believe how awesome it is to have a vagina!"
Emil spat his coffee all over Endy's face. "What do you mean?" Emil asked with a burning interest.
"It's better than being a guy three fourths of the time!" he reiterated.
"Three fourths of the time?" I questioned.
"I'm just guessing Celestia still has periods, so that's one week out of every four."
"Makes sense," I said. "Continue."
"The masturbation feels so much better than when you're a guy!" Sleip yelled.
Endy spat his coffee all over Emil's torso, but Emil wasn't really in the position to care. He was drooling at the thought of it. "What?!" Endy hollered, very confused (just like me).
"It feels so fucking amazing!" he repeated, pausing right afterwards. "On that note, I'll be back in a little bit, I'm going for round twenty-three!"
"TWENTY-THREE?!!" Endy and I hollered in perfect unison.
"Were you playing with yourself all night?" I asked, sincerely concerned.
"Yeah!" he called back, slamming his door.
Endy and I looked over at Emil slowly. His tongue was hanging out and dripping saliva onto the table. His cock was growing to a noticeable size under him. "I think I'm gonna go join him!" Emil told us.
I hit him on the head again. "NO! NO SLEIPNIIIR SEXY TIME! BAD EMIL! BAD BOY!"
"Besides, getting there, you might Sleip-niiir on your own drool!" Endy laughed.
"You shut the fuck up!" I snapped, bopping Endy on the head as well. "And so, Sleipniiir gets annoying trait, too! I swear, this one is going to be the worst!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Emil interrupted me, "but whatever's gotten into Sleip is a GREAT thing!"
I facehoofed. "We're fucked."
"Emil especially, if he gets in there with Sleip!" Endy pointed out.
"You'll be dead if you keep on with that shit!" I huffed.
Backslasherton and Intrapulation walked in, Backslasherton with a cheerful expression, Intrapulation looking like he had just got hit by a train or something.
"I couldn't sleep last night," Trap moaned quietly. "Sleipniiir was making too much noise."
"He was soothing ME to sleep," Slasherton chirped.
"I'm glad he's enjoying himself, but I need my sleep, man." Trap wobbled over to the table and sat down with a plop.
"I'll take your room if you really want me to, Trap," I spoke up.
"That'd help a lot." Trap yawned. "Thanks, buddy. I'd hug you, but I'm too tired."
"It's nothing," I waved it off. "I don't think it can get that much worse than this, though." I realized what I had just said... I feel to my knees... or leg joints... or whatever the fuck you call them and screamed, "DAMN YOU, WRITER! YOU WILL MAKE SURE IT GETS WORSE, WON'T YOU?! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
Nopony else said anything or questioned the fact that I had just screamed that... don't ask me why, they just didn't. We suddenly heard a scream from the royal bedroom. "Well, I've had just about enough of this shit!" I said casually, getting up and walking over to the door to my new room. "I'll be in here writing the word "fuck" over and over if you need me." With that, I slammed the door. I opened it again, remembering to add one more thing, "Don't need me."
For the rest of the day, Sleipniiir was gone from his bedroom, which was good because that meant I could finally get some time to think. I just took the time to think of my old life as a human, my old friends, the girls I was interested in, the stupid shit I'd do all the time. It was fun to reminisce on the good stuff... the bad stuff, not so much. Finally, nighttime came over Equestria like Sleipniiir probably came all over his bedroom. Speaking of him, he caused another problem for me that night.
You see, I couldn't sleep all night. I wasn't happy about that, either. The walls in that particular section of the castle were paper thin OR Sleip was being REALLY loud. This time, though, he wasn't masturbating. This time, he was having sex with somepony... very, very hard sex. He was yelling Flash Sentry's name as loud as he could, so I would only assume it was Flash Sentry, but I was curious as to why he was in Canterlot. I was pretty sure he worked in the Crystal Empire's royal guard. My best guess was that he just got the night off, courtesy of who he thought was Celestia.
On that note, I wish to explain something... Nopony noticed Sleipniiir's voice except the Doompie guys. We were the only ones who heard the voice change. Either everypony else just didn't hear the difference or they didn't really pay attention to the voice at all. Either way, Sleipniiir was Celestia as far as all the ponies of Equestria knew.
Back to Sleip having sex with Flash Sentry. Now, when I say, they were being loud, I mean THEY WERE BEING SUPER FUCKING “OH MY GOD MY EARS” LOUD. It sounded like something out of hardcore porn… not that I would know what that sounds like, I’m just saying I’d assume that… you know what, fuck it. I’m a teenager, so people would assume I watch that shit anyway!... But regardless of that, it was ear-busting loud. Sleip wouldn’t stop screaming Flash’s name or “fuck me hard!” With every thrust , Flashlight shippers died a little on the inside and so did I, knowing that Flash believed he was having sex with royalty when he was really just having sex with some guy that had the body of Princess Celestia. Even worse, that guy was Sleipniiir…
I had pulled an all-nighter or two when I was around thirteen, so I wasn’t a stranger to lack of sleep. Hell, I’ve lost so much sleep in my life that I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Nobody would shut the fuck up about me looking tired. That night, though, was a night where I hadn’t taken any of my standard medication that keeps me from complete and utter insanity, including my stimulant which made sure I was awake and had an attention span better than that of a bicycle. That meant that I was pretty much stricken with lethargy from the moment my brain shouted “wake up, dumbass!”
That also means that I was extra pissed off.
I walked out into the kitchen, grabbed a mug of coffee and filled it with a fuck-ton of cream and sugar so it didn’t hurt me with the horrible taste. I’ve never liked coffee, personally. My taste buds just tend to scream in pain whenever they meet coffee in any of its forms. So I sat down with my cream and sugar that had a little bit of coffee in it and began to sip at it, holding it with my newly-acquired magic in hopes that it would wake me up. “Note to self,” I muttered. “Find a psychiatrist to give me a goddamn stimulant as soon as possible.”
With a very large smile, Sleipniiir walked out of his bedroom humming “All Day I Dream About Sex,” normally just shortened to “A.D.I.D.A.S.” by Korn. He grabbed some straight black coffee and started chugging it. He finished, slamming the mug on the counter and letting out a satisfied breath. He paused and made a face like he had just gotten an idea. “I wonder if I can change the Canterlot anthem to that,” he pondered. I sighed in annoyance.
“There’s another thing that points to him being our antagonist for this story,” I uttered after a sip of coffee. He turned to face me, hearing my voice ring out across the room. “Good morning, asshole,” I growled angrily.
“Good morning, Chesterfield!” he chirped happily. “What’s going on?”
“What’s going on?” I asked, my rage hitting its maximum level of containment. “What’s going on?! WHAT’S GOING ON?!?! I COULDN’T GET ANY FUCKING SLEEP LAST NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOU AND FUCK SEX-TRY!”
“Don’t make those kinds of puns,” Sleip interrupted. “Leave the shitty jokes to Endy.”
“And leave the sex addiction to you, I’m guessing?” I asked sarcastically.
“Please do,” he confirmed, totally ignoring my sarcasm.
“Jesus fucking Christ; Rage Reviews is going to have a fucking field day with this story.” I got up from my seat, finishing off my coffee. Turning towards Intrapulation’s new room, I went to go ask him and Backslasherton (since they seemed to be sharing a room together for some reason. Don’t worry, they weren’t doing anything like that) about ideas on what to do about Sleipniiir.
“I’m fine with whatever my friends want to do,” Trap said unhelpfully.
“The noises are actually kind of soothing from here, so I’m fine with how it is right now,” Slasherton smiled idiotically.
“Goddammit, we need ideas here!” I huffed. “You know what? Call everyone except for Sleipniiir out into the kitchen near his door. It’s high time we had a discussion about this shit!” With that, I went back into the kitchen to wait for everyone to come out for the group discussion…
