It was just another average day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the grass was green. The Elements of Harmony just apprehended a genocidal war god who wasn’t genocidal, had nothing to do with war, and certainly wasn’t a god. All in all, everything was normal. That would change, because Ponyville had some sort of supernatural attraction to the ridiculous. Perhaps the ridiculous was normal.

There was a flare of bright light in the main square, blinding all those in the vicinity. In the Tree House-Library, Twilight Sparkle sensed a disturbance in harmony. The light spat out a roundish, tubby figure that screamed at the top of its lungs. The ponies flinched at the sheer outlandishness of it.

“Goddammit!” it screamed, “Goddamit! Goddammit! Goddammit!”

The light disappeared, and the thing rose to its feet. The ponies blinked in horror. It was bipedal like a Diamond Dog (who died lacking slaves, incidentally), but was slightly shorter than a full grown pony. Flab hung off of it like blubber of a whale. It wore a light blue hat, overlaid with yellow. Its teeth gritted in what appeared to be overwhelming rage and hatred.

It looked around at its surroundings, rage burning in its eyes, chubby body threatening violence to any who came close. The ponies blinked. It tilted its head at the heavens.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” It screamed, “You just had to drop me off in fucking hippie land! This goddamn place makes me sick enough when I see it on the fucking TV!”

It started bashing its head against the ground. When it looked back up, it was with a shocking degree of malice and horror in equal measure. Demonic emotion seemed to pour off of it. Naturally, the ponies didn’t catch the fucking clue. A mint green one with a lyre for its cutie mark rushed at it.

“Human!” it screeched, voice deafening all those in the vicinity.

At the same time, the Element of Laughter, the ever annoying Pinkie Pie, rushed the figure to the ground screaming something incoherent as parties. Yes, it was still a normal day in Ponyville, all things considered. The human screeched in anger, lashing out with its fists and feet. It managed to push Pinkie and the slathering Lyra off.

“Get the hell away from me, or I’ll make you eat your goddamn parents!” the creature yelled at the top of its lungs.

This caused Lyra to blink, and Pinkie to giggle. Pinkie, naturally, was oblivious to the implications of threatening to make one “eat their parents”. If anyone looked close enough at the creature, they would see veins popping out on the side of its head, and pulsing in rhythmically. As Twilight Sparkle came down from her tree house, she saw the rage literally boiling off of the creature. She blinked.

***

Eric Cartman was pissed off. Really, really pissed off. He hadn’t been this pissed off since Scott Tenorman sold him pubic hair. Why the hell was he here? One moment, Cartman had been smacking around a bunch of faggot bronies, and now he was here in fucking brony-hippy shit land. It was not a good feeling. If Kyle could see him, he’d be laughing his ass off. Like on that time Cartman caught aids.

“Stupid kike,” he muttered to himself.

Why the hell was he here, anyway? An answer quickly appeared when a letter poofed into his hand. Cartman opened it and read it briefly.

“Cartman,
It has come to my attention that you are a dick. A really big dick. A throbbing dick, like a boner. A dick…I digress. Anyway, stop acting like a dick and get your shit together, or you’ll be stuck here forever.
Signed,
Wouldn’t You Like to Know?”

He threw it to the ground and stomped on it. Screaming a list of expletives, “fuck”, “shit”, and “son of a bitch” featuring heavily in this one sided, foul dialogue. The sound of a clearing throat interrupted his tirade. He glared at the source of the sound, a purple faggot unicorn.

“Stop swearing,” she said firmly.

A middle finger extended off of Cartman’s hand in her direction. The pony, having no fingers, did not understand the rude gesture. Assuming it to be a gesture of compliance, she continued.

“Allow me to introduce myself. I am Twilight Sparkle,” she said.

Cartman glared at her, middle finger still extended. Rage somehow embedding itself deeper into his features. The pony waited until it became apparent that Cartman wasn’t going to respond.

“What’s your name?” she queried.

“Go Fuck Yourself,” Cartman responded.

Twilight paled visibly. In response, a multi color blur shot its way in front of Cartman, to reveal the gayest fucking thing he had ever seen. A blue, winged pony, with a Rainbow mane. Cartman did what was natural. He pointed, laughed, and fell over.

“What’s your problem?” it snapped.

Cartman continued rolling around laughing, tears streaming down his face. He constantly repeated “gay pride pony” on a cracking voice. Rainbow Dash, the newly christened "gay pride pony", turned red as a beet and slunk away from the helplessly giggling Cartman.

“I say! What an uncouth brat!” a high class British voice sounded.

It reminded Cartman of the nanny with the dried out uterus that his mother hired to deal with his behavioural issues. Cartman grinned at that. He had always enjoyed playing with other people’s minds. It almost took his mind away from the ridiculous amount of irritation he was currently feeling.

A white pony, that incidentally reminded Cartman of a giant marshmallow with purple hair, trotted up to him. Her nose was annoyingly high in the air. That pissed Cartman off even more. The bitch though she was better than him!

“You will clean up your mouth if it is the last thing you do!” she snapped.

Cartman grinned. He would enjoy breaking her. His rage subsided when he considered how much fun he would have fucking around with these ponies. He could already judge by this one’s actions that she was a prissy bitch who cared about her looks.

“Mule,” he grunted.

“I beg your pardon?” she hissed in response.

“I said you look like a fucking mule, you dumb bitch!” Cartman snapped, “Clean out your fucking ears!”

The crying lasted the rest of the day. Cartman fed off of it like wine. This was starting to shape up for him.

“What should we do?” one of them asked, “He has no home!”

The voice was annoyingly soft.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! He can stay with me!” shrieked an annoying voice that grated along Cartman’s nerves.

He saw the pink one jumping up and down, oblivious to the pain he had brought to her friends. Great, Cartman thought, a crack addict. His heart lurched when the other ponies nodded. The pink druggie leapt up next to him.

“Weak,” he groaned.

Author's Note

Well, here's the new story. It's probably going to suck. If you're reading it, good luck.