Cartman Goes to Equestria

The pink druggie led Cartman to a garishly pink building that made him feel like vomiting. It was no exaggeration. It took every fibre of his being to hold back the acidic bile that threatened to spew from his throat. He was almost tempted to do it, but didn’t, remembering Stan and that damn liberal bitch, Wendy. He puked on her on a routine basis. Cartman personally found the expression on Wendy’s face hilarious, but didn’t want to try it himself. Mostly because of the implications. Cartman hated implications. A lot.

When they got inside of the vomit inducing building, Cartman found the pink druggie handing him a party hat. Cartman quirked his eyebrow up, and then glared at her balefully. He didn’t take the hat, instead uttering six words.

“What the fuck is this for?”

The pink crack smoker grinned, unphased by the foul mouthed hostility presented to her. She grinned wider and pushed the hat into Cartman’s hands. He purposely let the hat fall to the ground.

“It’s for your ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party!”

Cartman loved having parties thrown in his honor. This was mostly because of the phrase “in his honor”. When it came to self-centeredness and egotism, none could compare to Cartman. Cartman loved parties as well, simply to troll people. This gave Cartman momentary pause.

“A party for me…okay…I guess that would be okay…” Cartman muttered.

“What does fuck mean?” Pinkie queried, too innocent to understand a curse word we she heard one.

Cartman was going to tell her exactly what it meant when an idea sprang up in Cartman’s mind. A delightful idea fueled by insanity and an atypical sense of schadenfreude. He grinned malevolently, although the hyped up hippie was in no way cautioned by it.

“It’s something you say to friends,” Cartman grinned, “it works best when you say ‘fuck you’, or ‘fuck yourself’.”

The pony’s eyes bulged from their sockets in a fashion that reminded Cartman of beating a dog to death. PETA only stopped harassing him when he force fed said dog to their leader. The leader killed himself, as far as Cartman knew. That had been extremely satisfying.

Before Cartman knew it, the pony had burst out of the window and was running down the street screaming “fuck you” and “fuck yourself” to every pony she found on the wayside. This was met with a great deal of blinking, and much shaking of heads.

In the distance, Cartman heard the stuck up bitch berating the drug addict. He smiled to himself wolfishly. Too easy. The ponies here were so easy to toy with. He was beginning to enjoy himself, against all that he believed was true. It was more fruitful here than in his home. Cartman realized he could try all sorts of shit here.

A bird hit the window and died. Cartman’s laughter terrified everypony in a three mile radius. In the clouds, a twisted form grinned. Perfect.

***

Cartman hated hippies. He truly and fully hated hippies. He hated them to the point where he had tried to exterminate them. It seemed obvious that the yellow one with the disgusting name that sound similar to butterfly was a hippy. All of the ponies had gathered together for the party, and everyone was now settled down.

Cartman had laughed until his eyes nearly bled when he saw the banner: “Welcome to Equestria Party! Fuck You, Friends!” It was too bad that it had to go down when the one doing drugs realized that the word was actually an insult. It almost made her cry that she had been lied to. Cartman savored the tears. He loved wrecking the world of the show that he hated most.

My Little Pony: a show for faggots and little girls. That was Cartman’s opinion, and he stuck to it.

All of the ponies regarded him with hostility now, except the little yellow hippie. She had rolled herself into a ball and was gently crying from when Cartman had told her exactly what he thought of her and her “goddamn faggot animals”. That didn’t win him any points with the ponies. Not that he cared.

By the time the “party” was over, a mob had already gathered in front of the house with torches and pitchforks, seeking to banish Cartman from Ponyville. He glared out the window, before grinning. He grabbed a stick and tore out of the building.

“Fuck your party!” he screamed, “Respect mah authoritah!”

Glorious battle was joined. A corner of Cartman's heart squeed with joy.