Cartman Goes to Equestria

“Cartman! You are very mean!” Twilight snapped.

Cartman, now disarmed and held in a glowing aura of lavender magic, rolled his eyes sardonically. For half an hour he had ceaselessly struggled against the glowing field. With his luck it was probably going to give him cancer or some shit like that. Fucking radiation. It was only funny when other people got it.

“What did I do wrong?” He asked.

Twilight, completely ignorant to his sarcasm, continued. “What did you do wrong? Hmmm…Let’s see…First you insulted everyone in sight. Then you taught Pinkie Pie that the ‘F-word’ was good-“

“It is!” Cartman interjected.

Twilight continued regardless, “You somehow made a bird crash into a window (that mess is going to take a long time to clean up, not to mention therapy for Fluttershy), Then you insulted my friends (again) and me. Then you assaulted thirty different ponies with a stick shouting ‘Bad pony! Bad pony!’ repeatedly. Not to mention traumatizing Fluttershy by stomping Angel (be glad he isn’t dead), and so on.”

Beside Twilight, a previously silent Apple Jack spoke up, “Not to mention the fact that ya tried to set mah orchard on fire!”

“Oh, shove your orchard up your ass, you goddamn hick!” Cartman snapped.

Applejack looked like she wanted to buck him. She probably would have if Twilight hadn’t placated her.

Twilight had convinced the other Six Broad-mules that it was good idea to call over some sort of “princess” (a gay term for little girls, especially Wendy Testaburger) who was apparently a bitch-queen in all but name. Apparently she was all sparkly and shit. A moment before all of the ponies had been gathered, but had since split up.

“Purple Horn Fucker” was guarding him with “Orange Inbred Hick”. In the meantime, “Gay Pride Pony” was off comforting “Yellow Goddamn Hippy”. “Prissy Marshmallow Bitch” was apparently off being a whiny drama queen (like Kyle), and “Pink Crack Addict”… well, he had no idea where that crazy thing was. Fucking eldritch. Either way, the “Princess” was coming soon. In fact, according to “Purple Horn Fucker”, she was going to be there in

“A minute,” Twilight said randomly.

A minute passed, in which the Ponies stared uncomfortably at Cartman, who was consumed with his own thoughts and definite sociopathic insanity. The Princess finally arrived in a flash of bright golden light that damn near blinded Cartman.

“Bitch likes to make an entrance,” he noted to himself.

To tell the honest truth, Cartman was pretty disappointed with what he saw. He saw a white pony, with wings and a horn. Albeit a longer horn. Cartman’s gears turned, and he promptly named her “Bitch-Queen Long Horn!” This caused no shortage of spontaneous laughter from him, gritting of teeth from Twilight, and a quizzical blink from the Princess.

“I am Princess Celestia of Equestria-“ The Princess began.

“Bitch-Queen Long Horn!” Cartman interrupted.

Celestia sealed his mouth before continuing, “I am one of the Two diarchs ruling this land. My sister is absent, unfortunately. First, though, we must get down to business. You are a guest here in my land. That does not, however, give you the right to insult or assault me or my subjects. Nod if you understand.”

Cartman nodded, eyes pleading.

Celestia smiled appreciation, “Good. Now I am going to remove the silencing spell, and you are going to answer some questions.”

Cartman breathed deeply as the seal was removed. He glared at Celestia, then applied a façade of reverence.

Cartman had what was called a photographic memory. He recalled things exactly as they happened as far back as he was six, unless he had consciously altered his memories. He could remember hearing what those bronies talked about regularly. Before it had been a torture. Now, it was useful.

They had said that Celestia was immortal.

“May I ask you a question first, Your Highness?” Cartman asked as politely as he could.

Celestia nodded hesitantly.

“How old are you?” Cartman asked, his face giving an absolute impression of pure innocence.

Celestia paused, weighing her options. She shrugged in her mind. “Eight-thousand years, give or take.”

“Hmm…” Cartman nodded thoughtfully, “That is a lot of generations.”

Celestia nodded, “Three-hundred and twenty”

“And I suppose you had a lot of friends?” Cartman inquired.

Celestia blinked.

“They all died, didn’t they? They left you behind. Friends, advisors, soldiers,” he paused, “lovers?” Celestia gaped at him.

That had hit a soft spot.

“Perhaps time has accelerated for you. Perhaps several hundred of those generations blurred by, stealing your sanity as everyone you know dies in a heartbeat. Perhaps so many have died that you don’t remember them anymore. Friends are precious and temporary things for you, aren’t they? The key word there is temporary.”

Celestia’s eyes began to well up with tears.

“Poor Queen, you sit upon your throne without friends because they are all dead!” Cartman laughed.

Cartman wasn’t sure if it was the words or the laughter that got to the princess. Perhaps it was both. Either way, both he and Twilight had first time experiences.

This was the first time Cartman was propelled through a wall, and the first time that Twilight saw her former mentor truly crying.

Before he blacked out, Cartman got a distinct and intense feeling of satisfaction.