Blessed Ignorance, Not Undying
A “Routine” Visit
I stared at the blank diary page for what seemed like hours, though it was most likely just a few minutes. It’s not that my life had been uneventful as of late, I just couldn’t think of any particularly profound moments that had happened in the last couple of days. In regards to important realizations about friendship, my mind—like this diary page—remained blank.
I sighed in exasperation. I’d tried to recall every tiny detail from the last week of my life. I probably missed a thing or two, but it didn’t matter. This was by no means the correct way to go about this, and I knew it.
If only there was something…
I quickly glanced at my calendar, then at the clock, then back at my calendar. It appeared as though I’d lost track of time just a bit more than I originally thought. I needed to be at the Ponyville Hospital in twenty five minutes.
I said I’d be there at three. Better get going.
I placed the quill next to the jar of ink, and left the book open as it was so that I would remember to work on it when I came back.
Despite the fact that I was in no rush to get there, I hastily made my way out the door.
----------
The children and adults alike seemed happy to see me. I suppose that was my reason for being there, after all; to lift their spirits when things weren’t going so well for them to begin with.
The majority of the patients there did not suffer from debilitating or chronic illnesses. In fact, most of them seemed to be there for stomach pains, head injuries, or broken bones. Occasionally, I would pass patients hooked up to a ventilator and other machines, in which case I would leave them be. Aside from those, everything seemed to be under control.
I glanced at a nearby clock. An hour had already almost passed, which indicated my visit here being close to an end.
In an attempt to not seem as though I were in a rush to leave, I continued my loop around the final wing of the hospital. I had nearly covered everywhere, so the timing worked out perfectly.
I came across a set of glass doors on my left, behind which sat a room on its own. Most of the patients in the hospital were out in the open, but for some of the more serious cases, they had their own room so that they would be allowed to have some privacy. Also, it made it much easier for the hospital staff to know that they needed to be given priority when it came to attention and care.
I stopped at this final set of glass doors, and glanced inside. I didn’t have a great view of the patient, because my view of her was obscured by the various machinery in the room. However, I could clearly make out another pony, sitting in one of the chairs mere feet away from her.
He looked young… just a few years younger than me, in fact. His eyes were glued to the hospital bed, not leaving the spot for even a single moment. I couldn’t help but notice the distress on his face.
As one of the nurses passed me by in the hallway, I turned to her. “Excuse me, Nurse?"
She looked my way. "How can I help you, Princess?"
"I was just wondering... who is that, sitting next to the bed?" I asked, gesturing to the young stallion behind the glass.
"That’s the patient’s son, Your Highness."
“Oh, gosh. How bad is her condition, exactly?”
“Beyond bad, I’m afraid,” the nurse answered. “Complications arose when she came in for a typically-straightforward operation. Her current health told us the surgery wasn’t a good idea, but she went ahead with it, despite the doctor's suggestion otherwise.”
"What’s her prognosis?” I asked.
The nurse looked to the floor. “For quite some time, she's been hooked up to a ventilator because she can't breathe on her own. The Quality of Life Specialists just had a conference with the family a few hours ago. I’m… afraid this young boy and his brother, being the adult sons of a mare with no husband, are faced with an incredibly difficult decision, especially for their age.”
I felt like my heart would break. I tried to imagine myself in the same position as him and his brother, but quickly realized it was impossible to understand what they were going through.
“Can I…” I began, clearing my throat. “May I speak with him?”
The nurse hesitated. “I don’t see why not, but I doubt you’ll be able to get more than a few words out of him.”
I nodded, grasping the handle of one of the sliding glass doors. As slowly and gently as possible, I opened the door and entered the room. He didn’t seem to notice my presence.
I stood at the door for the better part of a minute, but he remained unaware of me. His eyes stayed glued to his mother’s bed.
Finally, I spoke up. “Hello.”
He nearly jumped at the sound of my voice. He looked at me, and his eyes immediately widened to twice their normal size. He looked shocked, to say the least.
He seemed to scramble for the right words. “Princess T-Twilight?” he asked, confused and disoriented.
Maybe I shouldn't have worn my crown. I wonder if it comes off as more intimidating?
“I’m sorry for startling you,” I said. “If you’d like, I can come back at a better time… or not at all. Whichever you prefer.”
“I… I just…”
“Displaced” was the best description I could give to his train of thought at that moment. All of this must have been very new to him. He didn’t appear to have any clue where to start.
Finally, he took a deep breath, regaining his composure. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you would be visiting, Your Highness.”
“That won’t be necessary." I waved my hoof, dismissing his attempt to be formal. “You can just call me Twilight, if you’d like.”
“Twilight?” he repeated.
“Yes, Twilight. None of that princess-ey stuff. I'm just here to offer you some form of company. I know it’s not much, but..."
“I appreciate it,” he quickly said.
“Good," I said, smiling. "Tell me, what’s your name?”
He gulped. "Um, it's... Key."
"Key?" I asked. "As in a lock?"
"Sure, I guess, but I like to think of it as a musical key," he explained, gesturing to his cutie mark.
What it meant, I couldn't exactly tell. His cutie mark appeared to be two small, musical notes being amplified into a bigger version of themselves.
"My full name is 'Key Tapper', but... well, most people just call me Key."
“Interesting…” I trailed off. “Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Key.”
“Same.”
“Do you mind if I sit down?”
“Huh?” He seemed baffled that I would ask such a question. “Um, sure. I don’t see why not.”
As I made my way over to one of the chairs next to him, I tried to formulate some sort of conversation material in my mind. I came up completely blank. What could I say to him that would provide even the slightest comfort? I simply had no idea.
Instead, I remained silent… at least for a few minutes. Even after sitting down, the two of us didn’t say anything. Key’s eyes frequently switched between the floor and his unresponsive mother. The constant beep of her pulse monitor sent chills down my spine, and seemed to create a tension in the air that was almost palpable.
Against my better judgment, I decided to speak up. “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”
He shrugged his shoulders slightly in acknowledgment. I’m sure he’d heard those words plenty of times already.
“Maybe it’s not my place to be asking this, but have you decided what you’re going to do?”
He looked up. “How much do you know, exactly?”
“The nurse gave me a brief rundown of the situation,” I quickly explained. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to intrude or anything.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” he assured me. “I’m not trying to hide anything. I think you have just as much right to know as I do.”
As he took a deep breath in preparation for his next words, I had the feeling this was the first time he’d spoken them out loud.
“To be honest,” he began, “I’ve already made my choice, and I also know my brother’s decision. I just don’t want to tell them yet.”
He looked back at his mother, his eyes glistening with latent tears. I imagined she would be a very beautiful mare, if not for the dreadful state she was in.
“If I don’t make the choice I know is right, my mom will live a lonely, painful life of bedsores and being dependent on others. As much as I want to believe she has a chance at happiness, it doesn’t look like a possibility at this point, and I know it’s not the kind of life she wants."
He looked back down at the ground, and gave a defeated sigh. "Things were bad before this. Her health has been declining for most of my life. I wish it didn't have to end here, but this is the only way for her to be free from the pain. She deserves at least that much."
He looked up at me. "I'm sorry... I'm rambling, I know."
"Please, don't be," I said.
"I hate troubling others with my problems, least of all somepony with bigger things to worry about."
"It's no trouble at all," I insisted. "Even if it was, I think you have the right to be selfish if you want, considering the circumstances."
Another interval of silence. It was almost unbearable. The constant beep of the monitor still bothered me to no end, regardless of its necessity.
“What made you feel like today was a good day to visit the hospital?” he asked.
“Well, actually, I was asked to sometime last week.”
Stupid! Why would you blurt that out? That implies all the wrong things!
“I see,” he responded, somewhat receptively.
“D-Don’t get the wrong idea!” I pleaded. “If this was just routine for me, I would’ve been gone a long time ago. I’m talking to you because I want to.”
He smiled, however slight, for the first time since I’d entered the room. “It’s fine. Really, it is. I believe you that you’re being sincere.”
I sighed in relief.
“But I also realize that you have a lot more important things to worry about than this. I appreciate you sacrificing your time for something so trite.”
“Trite? But I…” I trailed off.
Ugh! There’s no getting through to him. Why can’t he see me as something other than just a princess offering comfort to her subject?
“I’m sorry…” I said, not really thinking.
He looked in in shock. “What?”
“I have no place here, I know. I just wish you’d believe me when I say that this isn’t just a routine visit for me.”
“I do believe you,” he said.
“No, you don’t. I know you’re just trying to be polite, but you don’t need to be. Not right now. For maybe one of the only times in your life, I think you should be able to act in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable… within reason, of course.”
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he looked down and clenched his eyes shut. His lips trembled as he tried to suppress a sob.
Oh, dear. That wasn’t my goal, at all. I have to understand how sensitive he must be right now. I guess the least I can do is save him the embarrassment.
“I’m sorry if me being here is stressful for you,” I began, standing up. “I’ll leave you to yourself. Just know: if you ever need someone to talk to, you'll always be welcome at the library. Don't even think twice about it, okay?"
He continued to fight the oncoming flow of tears. Instead of answering me directly, he vigorously nodded his head in acknowledgment. I got the message.
As I prepared to leave the room, I looked to his mother. She shifted around in her bed in an agitated manner, as though she could sense her son's anguish.
As I got a closer look at her face, I realized that she was not entirely unconscious. Her eyes were opened partially, so she must have been in a state of delirium. I would assume they gave her anesthesia to keep her as comfortable as possible. Clearly, it wasn't doing much good right now.
Without really thinking, I walked over to where she lay. "Maybe I can't save you," I muttered, "but at least I can lessen your pain."
My horn glowed for just a mere moment. Such a simple spell didn't take much time, but it required a considerable amount of energy, even for myself.
With a tired sigh and not a single other word, I left the young stallion to his thoughts. As I exited the hospital wing, I made one final stop at the receptionist’s desk.
----------
My diary was just as it had been when I left; open and blank. I sat down in preparation for what would certainly be another hour of staring at the page, but to my surprise, the quill began to stroke the page, practically on its own:
A lot of the time, we go about life like nothing bad will ever happen. Sure, we have our fair share of dangerous adventures and near-disasters, but to be honest, I can't really say I've ever had the misfortune of losing somepony close to me... even through all of that.
The fact is, I've had a good life. Fantastic, even. I've been lucky enough not to lose a family member or friend in all the time that I've been alive. However, I know that it won't last. Sooner or later, like everyone, I will experience the pain of loss.
Today, I met someone who not only must deal with this kind of pain, but is also burdened with the decision of life or death. No matter how much I may know about the world, I don't think I can quite comprehend the tempest of emotions that must be swirling around in his mind.
Now that I think about it, I didn't really learn anything today... only that I'm a bit more ignorant than I thought. Maybe this lesson isn't quite over, yet.
I stared at the page, now filled, and let out a sigh. "I guess that'll do, for now."
----------
The next day, while I found myself engrossed in a novel about earth pony psychology, a knock sounded at the door downstairs. Within seconds, I could hear the pitter patter of Spike’s claws on the wooden steps, which probably meant that he had a message for me.
“Twilight!” he called before even reaching the top. “You got a letter from the hospital!”
“Did I?” I said in response. “Well, thank you for getting it for me, Spike!”
As the letter was removed from his grasp, he gave me a curious glance. “Don’t you want me to read it for you?”
“Oh, that’s alright.” I opened the envelope, carefully removing the letter, and read it to myself. It wasn’t long before a sorrowful frown found its way across my face.
“What’s it say?” he asked.
“Um…” I hesitated. “It’s… It’s a, um… a ‘thank you’ note, for my visit yesterday,” I lied.
“Pft,” he spat. “Booooring. Well, if it’s all the same to you, I have a date with Rarity today!”
“Don’t you mean you’re helping Rarity organize her fabrics?”
“Same difference!” he called from halfway downstairs. Before I knew it, the front door shut behind him, leaving me in the library by myself.
I sighed, laying my head down on the desk in dejection. I suddenly felt like I had no energy for the rest of the day, but I knew there things to do.
Before I allowed myself to doze off, I quickly lifted my head off the desk. Staring at my to-do list for a moment, I picked up the quill and squeezed in a new priority item, speaking the words aloud as I wrote them down.
“Purchase bouquet of flowers.”