My name is Bonding Heart, and... I am a sex adviser.

What does that mean? Well, when a pony has trouble in bed, they can call on me to help diagnose the issue. Diagnose. Not cure. I just want to be clear on that, I don't just hop under the covers with them. Most of the time it's not necessary, I just need to correct a few misconceptions, suggest some methods, tip my hat and walk away.

It's not my primary job either. I do work at the hospital, mostly helping various ponies come to terms with their injuries or... the loss of loved ones. I'm the comforting nurse, although of course I have medical training, and... the adviser thing is sort of on the side. Care Pump doesn't mind it, but it creeps Crimsonpump out. Well, that and... I'm getting ahead of myself. The point is, I only get around four or five appointments in a month, and most of those are just repeats that go along the lines of "am I wrong for being such and such" and I have to hold their hooves and tell them they are a good pony.

Acting, kids. A useful skill in any situation.

How did I get into this business? Well, way back when I was a teen I tried the whole dating thing, kiss kiss, come to my bedroom hot stuff, woo woo. Except I never got to woo woo, because, uh... let's just say because. After the first few rejections I dropped out of the dating scene entirely, which actually gave me a great outsider's perspective. So a bunch of mares, and not a few stallions, would use me as a sort of dating soundboard, and us being teenagers and all.... well, I got to do a lot of thinking of what went into sex, and it became apparent that I could keep helping out as I grew up.

So, yeah, I took a few psych classes, printed up some flyers, and here I am.

What kind of advice do I give? That's a bit more complicated. In my general experience, though, sexual problems come from five sources: Peer Pressure, Misconceptions, Identity Confusion, Trauma, and Kinks. Peer pressure is the easiest do deal with; sex is an intimate act and all I have to do is reinforce that the pony should only do it when they feel is right. You'd be surprised at how many ponies I've actually told to cut back, and even more so how many I've suggested to go more often--shame runs both ways I guess...

Then there's Misconceptions, which is the primary bulk of my lectures. See, in my mind there are three basic dimensions of sexuality: Attraction, Libido, and Attachment. Attraction is a scale of homo-to-hetero sexuality; I remember reading about a system where 100/0 was perfectly straight and 0/100 was perfectly gay, but most ponies are 90/10s. Usually I have to deal with ponies who are closer to the center than they thought, although there has been the occasional closeted pony in denial... or bisexuals who think they should be exclusive. And that doesn't begin to go into the complexities of cross-species romance....

The other two dimensions, I think, have received entirely too little attention in general media. Libido can range from completely asexual to utterly nymphomaniac, for instance, but a lot of ponies want to think the average is on the high end because of all the romance novels. Me, I kinda think it's more low-median... although it has a positive relationship with Attachment, since most of the high-sex relationships are long-term couples--or yes, groups--that remain exclusive. Of course a lot of people think attachment is love, and... it generally is, not going to lie, but there are a few odd cases that had me reaching for the police.

That leads me into Identity Confusion and Trauma, two issues that can fit together more often than not. Don't get me wrong, sometimes a pony just feels wrong in their own skin without being traumatized, and sometimes horrible things happen to a pony who's confident in their own identity... but if something about the bedroom just doesn't feel right to them, I generally schedule a session with a more professional psychiatrist on the down low, so we can get to the bottom of the issue. You have no idea how many ponies have expressed relief at the idea they were born into the wrong tribe, or even just the wrong species, and having somebody understand that.... It's not really sex advice, but it does help them figure out what they really want when they want.

And of course... kinks. Ooooh boy, kinks. They're fetishes gone bad, things that should merely be 'sexy' turned into absolute necessity. It's a bit hard to work out what kinks a person has, if they have any at all, because a lot of the time they either don't know about it or they just feel downright embarrassed. Kinks make up less than eight percent of my problems, but everypony thinks that they're all I talk about. Yeesh.

All that aside from the physical performance issues...

Now that you know what I do, I should get to the point of all this. I am sworn to maintain the privacy of my clients, excluding matters where I have to call authorities or doctors. Nevertheless... some of them have suggested I form a book, of sorts, about how I helped them and all that. I was hesitant, of course. But they suggested that if I review their own cases, I might... well, be able to get over my own problems. Heh. So, that's what this book is going to be; case reports of willing clients, with their names changed for their own safety. I know a good portion of you are picking this up just for clop, so I'm going to warn you: there's not a lot of it. Just me, talking to ponies, about sex.

And occasionally drugs.

And in one instance, rock and roll. But that one was really weird.

Author's Note

Ladies and gentlemen, it's an OC fic!