The Life And Times Of Bonding Heart

In case you're wondering, yes, I did have fun figuring out what I was going to call this chapter. But you know, Thighkicker is kind of a good way to define this mare; she's muscular everywhere, don't get me wrong, but there can be no denying the powerful curves just in front of the tail. Only the straightest of straight mares wouldn't notice.

Sorry, just had to get that out of my system.

So, a few weeks after Plowshare's wedding, I got another letter from one of his relatives. Like I said, large family. It was actually pretty short and sweet: I need your advice. Meet me at [a place and a time]. Here's the pay.

I had to send a letter back explaining that I actually had another appointment then, and we should reschedule for two days later.

Her reply? Sure thing.

Straight to the point.

So, eventually, I went up and met Thighkicker in person. And there she was, sitting at a table just waiting for me, sometimes glancing over her shoulder to make sure that nopony was watching. Honestly, why do ponies do that? It makes them look suspicious, which kind of defeats the point of them trying to avoid attention.

With a roll of my eyes, I pulled out a chair and sat down. "So. Here we are."

"Mmmhmm." Thighkicker glanced around again. "Listen... Plowshare told me how big a help you were in figuring out the situation with Deweyes."

"All I did was clear the fog from his eyes," I explained oh so humbly. "Once that was done, he just had to follow his heart."

"Yeah, he's a good stallion..." The mare blushed a bit, fiddled with her hooves for a moment, took a deep breath, and looked me in the eyes. "Right. I've put this off long enough. I... something is wrong with me, miss Heart--"

My hoof was instantly in her snout. "No. You don't get to say something's wrong with you. Only I get to say that, and then only after I've heard the full situation. I'm the licensed professional here." With a snort, I pulled my hoof back. "Start over."

Thighkicker blinked for a bit. "Ah... well. Look, what I mean is... I..." She tapped her hooves together. "When my friends notice a stallion, they'll say he has a cute rump or great withers or 'look at the feathers on that one!' Don't get me wrong, that's not all they notice--they like good ponies, no matter the looks--but me, I just notice how they act. How kind they are, how... confident... I mean I want fit pony, all things considered, but it's not what I shop for if you get my drift."

I nodded, smiling to myself. "I think I can see where you're going." This would be easy peasy.

"Yeah, I just wanted somepony else to tell me I was gay."

...or maybe it wouldn't be that easy.

"Thighkicker," I said slowly, putting a hoof on hers. "You are not gay."

The mare stared at me. "What... what are you talking about? I just told you I wasn't attracted to stallions!"

"And that's all well and good, but--"

"If I'm not attracted to stallions, I have to be attracted to mares." She crossed her forelegs, blowing her mane out of her eyes. "Simple as that."

I frowned, keeping my hoof from making a journey to my head through sheer force of will. "Thighkicker, have you ever heard of a false dichotomy?"

"Yeah, it's when--" Thichkicker snorted. "Oh, hay no. There's stallions, and there's mares. What, are you saying that I've got it for griffons or something?"

"Okay, first of all, trans-species romance isn't wrong if both members are consenting--"

"They have barbs on their dicks!"

"Secondly," I growled, " most of them have those surgically removed, and more importantly that is not what I'm talking about! You're not transpeciesist, you're asexual." I crossed my forelegs. "Simple. As. That."

Thighkicker tilted her head. "Asexual."

"Yep."

"...never heard that word before."

"It's not... well, it's not been fully researched," I admitted with a chagrined sigh. "Mostly because it's only been recently recognized. The long and short of it, though, is that you simply don't want... well, okay, maybe you do want sex, but your mind isn't seeking out a sexual partner based on their body." I shrugged. "You said you notice how stallions act, not how they look?"

"Yeah..."

"Now, can you tell me in all honesty that you've looked at a mare? Really looked?"

"Well yeah!" Thighkicker admitted with a blush. "I mean there are some mares, they're just so elegant and charming and they have such sweet voices and I'm not mentioning anything about how they look, am I?"

"No hon. No you're not."

"Huh." Thighkicker looked at her hooves, her brow furrowed as she frowned intently. "I never thought about just... being alone all my life." She hung her head. "This is... not good."

"I took in a deep breath, trying to keep myself calm. "Thighkicker, it's alright if you don't find yourself wanting of needing something that other people want or need--"

"No, you don't understand." The mare looked up. "Plowshare got married to Deweyes, and that means that I'm open now. It's... I can't just turn everyone who comes knocking away, I have to pick somebody!"

"No, you don't have to--"

"Yes I do! I've seen what happens when you don't have family around..." She wrapped her forelegs around herself, shivering. "I don't want to go crazy like my great aunt did. She collects... everything. Furniture, cats, books... No. No, I am not going down that road. I have to marry somepony..."

"Look, you don't have to lose your family just because you remain unmarried. I haven't met your great aunt, of course, but--"

"And I do want foals some day," Thighkicker murmured. "And... and how would granny react if I just... no. No, I've got to find somepony."

"You are blowing this totally out of proportion--"

"It's time I take this seriously," she stated in a firm tone, snapping her hooves down. "Thanks for the conversation, doc, your money's on the table. But I'm not going to give up."

"I never said you should give up! All I said was and you're walking away and ignoring me like a self-obsessed idiot. Fine. Fine." My hoof traveled to my cranium. "You know what, fine. Go do whatever it is you want to do. I'll just wait till you need to call me again."

***

That certainly wasn't the last I heard of Thighkicker. Believe it or not, she jumped into the dating scene with almost religious zeal, every suitor being analyzed methodically for at least three dates before the inevitable breakup. Actually drummed me up a lot of business... although I'm not entirely proud of that. In retrospect, I should have gone after her and forced some sense down her throat.

But what happened happened. And she would eventually come to her senses. Not for a while though.

And, anyway, I had other patients to tend to between the two meetings. Some of those, I feel, might have influenced how Thighkicker thought about things before our second meeting, so... I think maybe it's best I put this file down for now. The next appointment really hit me by surprise, though. Especially since...

Well...

I think I should just talk through it all.