So....how's your day going? Good? Bad? Whatever? Mine, well....

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO THE PRINCESS!" Screamed a purple pissed off pony after she and her tiny horse hit-squad had just gotten done nearly beating me into the farthest wall. So how was my day?.... Meh.

I looked up to examine my attackers once more, which was hard considering one of my eyes ended up being swollen shut. From left to right:

The mare on my far left was a unicorn who looked like a primmed up beauty queen, well taken care of hair, great sheen to her coat, bright, healthy blue eyes. Yet all that was irrelevant since she was currently pointing her spiraled horn directly at my throat and, from what I can see, was glowing with a potent magical spell aimed right at my food and air tubes, fuck air what about my food?!

Next was an orange earth pony wearing a stetson hat. From my initial observation she was a work horse, I could tell by her muscled physique, and slightly dirty coat, probably a farmer. Her bright green eyes piercing into mine awaiting an explanation, her freckled face contorted into a deep scowl...she was also the culprit to my, now, swollen eye. She is definitely not in my top ten right now.

Moving on, I was currently looking at a cyan Pegasus whose amethyst eyes had an extreme amount of contempt within them. Her body was the most lithe out of all of my captors. She was built for speed and she had it all right, she was the first to hit me, tackled my ass into the wall I am currently suspended on. Her mane, a rainbow in every sense, flowed behind her...she looked pretty awesome I will admit.

Currently in front of me was a huge ass cannon pointed directly at my crotch...needless to say I was scared shitless. The owner of said ball buster was a bouncing, giggling pink earth pony, she had the biggest grin on her face and that scared me more than the cannon. Her teal eyes, however shone with a child like joy yet a fierce determination to protect her friends and I can respect that. However, it still doesn't change the fact that she is pointing a cannon at my jueves.

I had to look around for the next one. In the far corner was a quivering yellow ball staring at me with big, watery, bright blue eyes. Her pink mane covering up most of her face which, I can see from here, was a deep scarlet. It made my heart hurt just looking at her I am going to have to apologize to her personally after this was sorted out.

Finally, it came to miss menstrual cycle. She was a unicorn with a purple coat, her mane was a dark purple with a pink stripe through it, pony highlights? Weird. Her eyes, however was what got me, the deepest violet I had ever seen, they shone with a passion as bright as any star and a ferocity that I'm sure could match any of the demons I faced back in my years as a gaurdian. So with all this surging through my head, all I could think of was one simple question...should I or shouldn't I completely wreck this situation more...nah, better not, I mean I better check on Celesti-

My eyes caught a flicker of movement, I saw Celestia still on the floor from where I had left her. I had thought that she might've bumped her head when we hit the floor and that was why she wasn't doing anything to stop this assetry, what I saw, however, shocked me. She was laying there, one hoof propping up her head while she munched on another banana with the biggest, smuggest grin on her face, I mean seriously!? Here I am getting my ass pounded in like a five dollar whore and all she does is sit there and watch!? Ok princess I'll play your game and I promise you, you will lose.

"Thank goodness you came when you did!" I yelled in false gratefulness

All the ponies shared quizzical looks at each other.

"Uh, what're ya'll talkin' bout?"

I see Celestia raise her eyebrow at me...oh here it comes.

"S-she..." I force my eyes to water, "She tried to violate me!"

Did I say that over dramatically? Yes, did I think that I would be found out? Hell yes, did the whole world stop the moment I said it? Fuck yeah it did. The sheer looks of earth shattering shock upon their faces almost made me lose my cool right then and there, along with Celestia's frozen, crimson face, oh my god she actually dropped her banana!

That was when I felt my head smash into the wall.

"How dare you accuse the princess of such a-a, I can't even bring myself to say it!" She yelled in my face with some spittle debris, lovely.

"Why don't you ask her yourself!" I cast an accusatory glare at her, everyone whipped their heads around so fast I swear you could hear their necks crack. Celestia's eyes bored into mine, I grinned my own smug grin at her, I mouthed to her, 'I ain't done yet', she just shook her head no, well now I had to do it.

"Tell them princess, tell them how you said you wanted to 'destroy me mind, body, and soul where I would forever be your personal pleasure slave" *sigh* what am I doing with my life?...I am accusing the beloved leader of an entire race of magical ponies of sexual slavery, I'm gonna get crucified!

As soon as I had said that I felt Celestia's hoof on my mouth, trying to shut me up.

"Hahaahhahah! Mr.Crow your so funny! Please twilight it was all a terrible misunderstanding, he is in fact the important topic I wanted to discuss with you today" with that twilight gasped and released me from her magical grip and Celestia finally removed her hoof from my mouth.

"Pffthahhahaahahah, come on Celestia that was great! I mean did you see their faces!? They were completely floored haha, o-okay okay I'll get serious" I took a few breaths to calm me down, all I got in return for my grand performance was silence and stares, so I clear my throat and move on.

"Well now that that's out of the way," I say standing up to my full height. I looked down at my former captors as they were about at my abdomen

"It's an honor to meet you all, my name is Mark Crow" I gave as best a bow as I could.

Still awkward in here...all six ponies were still staring at me, well five the yellow one was still in the corner, she appeared to have passed out cold...definitely gonna have to apologize to her. Eventually though the purple one, Twilight, approached me and returned my bow with reluctance, her eyes never leaving mine.

"Greetings, my name is Twilight Sparkle and it is an honor, to make your acquaintance" do I sense a slight attitude?

I give her a toothy grin, "Oh you are just a treat"

"huh?"

"nothing nothing..."

The introductions went on, the next pony up was the orange one with the stetson and the southern drawl.

"Howdy there partner, mah name's applejack, sorry 'bout the whole tussle we gave ya just then" she said extending her hoof to me with a wary smile, she is trying really hard, these ponies could commit arson and I'd still forgive them.

I extended my hand and wrapped her hoof into a firm handshake...I felt a grip...gonna ignore that for now.

"Don't think anything of it, I'd act the same if someone did something like that to me, I also like your hat, looks good on you" I gave her a genuine smile as I spoke to her, wanted her to know I was being serious.

"Why thank ya kindly Mr.Crow" she said tipping her hat to me, it made my heart feel good. She made her way back to where her friends were at with a smile.

Next came a hopping mass of pink that got right in my face with a massive smile on hers.

"Hi! My name's Pinkie Pie the biggest pony partyer that ever partied!" She screamed, slightly startled at her volume I hesitated to speak. She took my hesitation as a chance to continue speaking, so she did, without taking a breath.

"So what are you huh? Some kind of hairless monkey, or giant bald rat, oh! Better question, do you like parties?" She asked, which was, what I thought, my cue to speak, but no, and still no breath.

"I like parties! No I love parties! I absolutely positively totally love parties! I just wish I could travel around the world andhavepartieseverydaywithoutstoppingenjoyingmyselfeveryda-"

"For the love of god and the spirits above! Breathe woman BREATHE!" I yelled as I was now shaking her, that was just terrifying, it was like watching a shark in the water and it just watches you, you anticipate the hit but it never comes and the shark never goes away. However, I'm getting off topic.

Her eyes rolled around in her head, but they finally settled on me. "you didn't answer my question"

"*sigh*yes"

"yes to what?"

"yes"

"Okie dokie lokie mister monkey" She yelled and hopped off...She's ok.

Oh look who strolled up, miss beauty queen, she walked like a woman of royalty and I must admit, she was quite beautiful...for a horse.

"What a brute like you is doing here is far beyond me but if the princess sees something in you to not shew you away like the dirty animal you appear to be then I guess you are tolerable, my name is Rarity, charmed I'm sure" and with that she just walks away...bite your tongue Mark don't say anything stupid...

"Rarity if I may say something"

She turns around and raises her eyebrow at me condescendingly. I am trying really hard right now.

"you-" I am currently about to have an aneurism, "your eyes are a beautiful shade of blue"

She just stares at me with an unimpressed look, "why thank you, but I must ask you not to state the obvious, it makes you look dim, or dimmer in your case"...bitch.

She receives incredulous looks all across the room. I just take a deep breath and move on before I do something I'll regret...like make a fresh batch of glue...

What came next startled me, my vision became obscured by a pair of amethyst orbs. Well I guess it's the blue Pegasus's turn.

"The names Rainbow Dash, and what you did just now..." she raised her hoof, oh shit! She's gonna slap me like a slut!

"...Was one of the funniest things I've ever seen!" Leaving her hoof in the air...she wants me to give her a fist bump! Finally something I can get behind.

I give her hoof a solid hit

"Thanks, thanks, I really thought you guys were gonna beat the ever loving shit outta me!"

"Yeah well, to be fair, we already did that"

...well fuck you too Castro district...

"aw come on, just cuz you guys caught me off guard"

"off guard or not, it was gonna happen regardless so..."

When did this happen? When did I get into a dick fighting competition? With a rainbow Pegasus mare no less! Better question, how the fuck am I losing?!

"well I wouldn't say that"

"I would"

...I like her...

"Anyway it was great meeting you all, while I would like to meet the yellow one she's still out cold from my masterful performance earlier and I'm sure there's something you six came here to do for the princess other than kick my butt all day" leaving her there hanging made me feel better about the dick fight loss to someone without a dick.

"Yes, it is about time we began the initial topic of this meeting" said Celestia in what I call her 'bullshit royal' voice, cuz it was just bullshit to get attention, I know cuz I have one to, all leaders do. At her voice all the ponies, minus miss faints, turned their focus to her.

"We are here to discuss the living accommodations of Mr.Crow" that was when I got interested, she got me a place to stay? So long as it ain't near queen squiggle ass then I'm good.

"Twilight I ask that you take in Mr.Crow and teach him the ways of Equestria, house him until such a time that he becomes self-sufficient enough to live on his own" Well, she sure is to the point.

All eyes turn to Twilight, well now I just feel bad, I don't want to be someone's burden, I'll just go ahead an-

"I would be honored to have Mr.Crow stay at my house in ponyville"

Well that came straight out of left field for me. I turn and stare at her with a raised eyebrow, there has to be some kind of ulterior motive, if there's something I've learned is that nobody does things for free, well excluding me but I got my ass kicked, betrayed, and lost my entire planet and race for it so me and generosity are kind of pissed at each other right now.

"Excellent! I also expect regular updates on anything you learn about him or his people" Her voice sounded official, she looked official, but something seemed off, like she was holding something back.

"I will your highness, they will be as comprehensive and in depth as I can make them" lovely, when did I turn into a science experiment?

Twilight turns to me, "Mr.Crow, we will be leaving on the six pm train to ponyville, we will retrieve you a half an hour prior, please be ready before hand." Then she just leaves just like that.

Sure is cold in here.

Her friends all gave their goodbyes to the princess and me, cowgirl, skittles, and manic all gave me a smile and a wave, purple hair mcbust-my-balls just huffed and flicked her tail at me...once again, bitch, and the yellow one was levitated out...now I just feel bad.

I watch them leave, they seemed nice, even the narcissistic one but I have some business to attend to, like the fact that I was left to the mercy of six overly protective cronies by the supposedly 'benevolent' princess. I turn to say something but an extremely bright flash blinded me. When I was finally able to see again she was gone...she fucking ditched me!

"Son of a bitch!" I say bitch a lot lately.

Well might as well go pack, I start my new life soon... I am totally gonna raid the kitchen before I leave.

Author's Note

Now first off I ain't hating on rarity, it's just her personality and the fact she currently hates Marks guts. I personally love rarity, but I thought there has to be differentiation between the individual ponies receptions of him so please stop throwing rocks... You guys already broke like half the windows in my house. Also, thank you to all who have read and liked my story, I appreciate the feedback from the comments very much and it has indeed made the story much more organized than it was in the beginning. Now I am going to sleep, I need it cuz unlike you guys I am not blessed with devilishly good looks... Okay yeah I am pretty good looking... Just a little.