A Hero Returns

So it's been about a day since my triumphant return to the world. Celestia seems to be hiding something from me, it is very suspicious but i'm not worried, I mean what can these tiny horses possibly do to me. However, I did happen by some of the guards stationed here, lets just say it ended spectacularly.

The time was around morning because I had just woken up, had taken care of my morning routine and I am beyond relieved that they have discovered indoor plumbing along with heated water. Anyway I was strolling down the hall gracing it with my presence when I had passed by another hallway in my exploration of my temporary home. I stopped mid stride, changed directions on my heel, and continued down the new passage. When I had reached the other side I began to over hear a conversation between two hushed voices. The voices seemed to be getting closer and while at first I didn't really care but then I heard...

"...And word is from up top we are supposed to guard some new species"

"Yeah! I hard it some kind of hairless monkey"

...I'm not hairless...

My brief indignation was quickly set aside when I heard the sound of their footsteps getting closer. I immediately hugged against the wall on my right side. That was when I saw them, two ivory ponies, they both wore a set of golden armor that showed no kind of identification on there part. Even the weird pony tramp stamps or whatever on their flanks were covered up. I did notice two things that immediately set them apart; One had a pair of wings poking through the back of the breastplate, the other had a horn protruding from the helmet, so these are what unicorns and pegasi must look like, awesome. I also noticed that the unicorn had a much thicker jawline and larger frame than the pegasus, so assuming that sexual dimorphism hasn't completely been flipped, then I am looking at members of the opposite sex. Luckily they hadn't noticed me and that was when the fun began.

They were about forty feet in front of me when I started following them. I wasn't being sneaky but due to the fact I am bare foot they couldn't hear me, and my skin suit barely made any noise as I moved. I continued to listen to their conversation as they patrolled the empty halls. I still wonder why there is a lack of guards but I digress.

"...it's just so unnatural, I mean who ever heard of a hairless monkey?" The unicorn said

"It's definitely strange, I wonder when they're going to move it to the Canterlot Zoo"

A zoo? that ain't happening, a started to speed my walking up, i was now thirty feet behind them.

"I don't know but I hope it's soon, I've seen the monkeys back at the zoo and they are so filthy looking.

Ok, I am starting to get a little annoyed. Twenty feet.

"Yeah, I know, and the worst part is that we're gonna have to check up on it and nobody knows what it eats"

"So it could be dangerous and they're still keeping it here?! What is the princess thinking?!"

I noticed that we were heading towards my room in the private medical wing of the castle. Ten feet.

When they reached the doors I saw that they started to hesitate.

"Well go on in" the pegasus said gesturing towards the door.

"what's the matter? Too scared to fight a little hairless monkey?" The unicorn taunted with, what I could feel, a huge shit eating grin.

Little? Little! These pygmies are one's to talk, they are, at the most, up to the highest part of my abdomen. Shit, talk about little, their little...

The unicorns' taunt appeared to have flustered the pegasus cuz I saw her wings ruffle in brief indignation. She huffed, moved up to the door, reached for the door handle turned it and... wait, WHAT!

I stare in awe at what I had just witnessed, how did her hooves turn that handle? There are no digits, no dexterity I mean what? What!

I quickly composed myself when I heard the pegasus yell

"Oh buck me! It's gone!"

Apparently they had discovered my empty room.

"What?!" that was the unicorn. By this time my trademark grin started to threaten my face with impending fission.

The unicorn quickly rushed in franticly looking around the room for any sign of me. I am amazed that they haven't once looked behind them. By now they were both inside looking all around, I slowly prop myself against the door frame and watch.

"It's gone! It's gone! Oh sweet Celestia it's gone!" The pegasus kept repeating

"A possibly dangerous and unknown species is loose on the castles premises, just imagine what the captain will do to us if he finds out about this!" The unicorn screamed.

"The captain?! Imagine if we get caught by whatever is lo..." and that was when my little pegasus friend turned to see me propped up against the doorframe flashing all my wonderfully sparkly teeth at her.

"What? What's wrong what'll it do?" the unicorn asked.

The pegasus was frozen, she slowly started to point her hoof up at me.

The unicorn seemed to stiffen up as he suddenly looked as though he had realized something horrifying. He slowly turned and shrank under my gaze.

I stood up from my doorframe and slowly strode over to them.

"Nohohohoho no, don't mind a hairless, little monkey like me, by all means..." I said deadly quiet as I stalked close enough for the unicorn to feel my breath on his muzzle, "give me some ideas"

What followed afterwards was something that took my breath away...cuz my lungs wouldn't expand...cuz I was laughing so hard. They fainted, they fainted at my feet, it was amazing I mean I was completely bullshitting but it was so worth it after hearing all the insults, oh man! *sigh* Totally gonna remember that, I think I deserve a snack! As I turn to acquire my hard earned spoils I heard a gurgling noise. That was when I remembered that these two guards had fainted, in my room, lovely.

As I slowly trudged my way to the dining room with the two comatose equines on my back I remembered what Celestia had told me as she escorted me back to my room after our dinner yesterday.

"Now Mark, I am going to need you to be as cooperative as you can be, I will meet you tomorrow to discuss your new living arrangements as well as introdu-" and that was when I started to think about what if pinnochio had said "my nose will grow", it is a legitimate question.

Anyway I had deposited my visitors unconscious bodies in the dining room and had begun eating my hard earned trophy that was a plate of creme puffs, nothing could go wrong!

"Mark! We need to talk!" yelled a very familiar voice that had a surprising edge to it.

My head filled with creme puffs, whirled around and saw the princess calmly walking over to me, wearing a stern face.

I swallowed my prize and walked over to her with an air of false confidence, I mean I know she could crush me or stab me with her horn I'm not an idiot but I do know I will not apologize for something so marvelous.

"What is up princess!?"

"What is up is that two of my guards are currently passed out and muttering "monster...talking...monkey" over and over. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?" she questioned with an accusatory raised eyebrow.

Well I know when I'm caught, so I just follow the gentlemen's code.

"Such shocking accusations! I am the ex-king of the world!" Deny. Deny. Deny

"You think that I, Mark Crow, would try to take advantage of two innocent guards then leave them unceremoniously dumped in provocative positions so as to give the impression that they were having reversed sexual interaction with the woman giving it to the man from behind. ugh! You wound me Madame!" I am giving her the most hurt slash angry look i could muster while trying to keep myself from totally laughing and blowing it.

She still gave me that stern look. Her eyes locked on to mine trying to break me, trying to make me slip up, well I ain't having none of it!

"You think you can break me, huh princess?!" she just raises her eyebrow some more.

"You think you can get me to slip up? Well your wrong! Cuz I know what you know! I know what you know before you even know! Strange isn't it?!" That was when I saw the transformation, her stern look metamorphosed into a small smile, then a grin, and finally into full blown laughter.

"Yes! I'm off the hook!" I yelled in triumph, that was when I noticed her turning away.

"Come on Mark, it's time for our talk", she spoke to me over her shoulder.

I started to follow her through the castle trying to ignore the fact her chromatic tail is constantly flowing in a breeze that isn't there. Now you may think 'Mark what ya trippin over dawg just calm down yo!' well I would, but due to the fact that it is constantly aloft I keep getting glances at her great divide. Not something I very much enjoyed, however due to the fact I am permanently stuck in my eighteen-year old body complete with eighteen-year old hormones, thanks god! The sight of it still gets me excited but due to my extreme mental resilience I was still able to fail miserably and I had to awkwardly reposition myself...it happens all the time...most of the time for no reason...god I am fucking sick of this shit!

Moving on, we arrive in a small circular room whose only other exit is a pair of double doors at the bottom of a small stairwell.

"Now *munch* on to your living arrangements" I see she is eating another banana...girl loves her some bananas.

"Yeah, so where am I going to live again?" I ask, I also notice something near the princesses feet, hooves, whatever, point is I saw something yellow and fruity near her. I see it's an old banana peel, not too old so she probably dropped it by accident before coming to get me.

"Yes I believe I found the perfect place for yoooOOOUUUUAAAHHH!" She yelled as her hoof landed on the lone banana peel and she began to fall down the steps.

That was when my old instincts kicked in and I rushed to her side, immediately wrapping my arms around her as best I could. I pulled her close to me as we fell the small distance, and while it may seem like overreacting I do know that horses are basically dead if they break any of their legs so I did what my best judgement told me to do. When we landed I made sure I took the full brunt of the fall. Let's just say that alicorn's are heavier than normal ponies. After I had gotten my breath back I pulled myself up from the princess. From where I was, I could see that if anyone were to walk in right now I'm pretty sure they'd jump to some pretty dirty conclusions, thank god nobody is coming in right no-

"Princess we have arri-"

I look up to see six mares staring back a me with shock all over their faces.

"Well...fuck"