The Moon and I

Day 12

Entry 1

Luna seems a bit happier now. It might be that Jay's coming over again. Well, he said he would if he could, and what with the recent spat of days off work I don't know.

Speaking of Jay, he was pissed when he heard.

I remember it really well. Might have had something to do with the surge of epinephrine right after he punched me in the stomach.

I was about to return the favor when I realized who it was and froze from shock that Jay -- who can't bring himself to kill a fly -- had just punched me. Then he hauled me up and... I can remember exactly what he said.

"You goddamn son of a bitch! What the bloody hell were you thinking? Suicide is never the answer! What about Luna? Were you even thinking about what she wanted? Did you want her to grow up without a father? She has no one else but you! Did you want her to go through the same thing I did? Watching your own parents be put into the ground?" Jay had tears pouring down his face. "The only thing different would have been that she would have been alone..." Jay went quiet, his arms quivering with either sadness or rage. It was hard to tell. Then he turned around and walked away. He...

Holy shit am I glad Luna wasn't there to hear that. I... Well, suffice it to say the mixture of shock and awe drilled the message into my head. I...

I don't know why I wrote that here. It'll serve as a reminder, I guess. One I won't need. Luna's eyes do the trick well enough. I don't fucking know how to make it up to her.

More cuddles? That'd be a start, at least.

I'm sorry, Lulu. I'm sorry and won't do something so damned stupid ever again.

And I'm glad you saved me. It damn near broke a few ribs but gave me so much more.

Can you forgive me?

Entry 2

She can.

I'm happier than I thought I would have been, and that's really saying something. I...

On the downside, I need to work even harder to prove I'm deserving of her. And not just by bribing her with cookies. Yeah, Luna's got a bit of a sweet tooth. I... don't. Moving on.

She's gotten very good at drawing by hoof, actually. Just in time for her to figure out the whole 'magic' thing. I don't think she'll give it up, though. I'm glad that I taught her to love drawing, and not...

Well, my job is programming, but she can't use a computer very well. Once she learns I'm gonna have to either his this or let her read it. Probably the former. "Oh, look! Daddy's journal, where he talks about killing himself..." Yeah, I'm not too fond of the idea of traumatizing my daughter more, thanks.

Jay ended up not being able to come over. Something about "spending too much time off work".  I don't blame him. I'll not begrudge him a thriving business, nor a friendship.

Anything else? Oh, right!

Tonight's the night. I'm gonna show Luna the show from whence she came. I've equal parts excitement like a virgin getting laid and dread like a parent who hopes those noises aren't what she thinks they are. Excited because I get to spend time with her doing a stereotypical dad thing -- watching TV (i.e. Netflix). Dread, because... Well, I really don't see a good reaction coming from this. I hate not knowing big things. Hell, that's one reason I like Welden so much. Nothing big ever happens.

Well, until Luna. That was... just a little bit fucking massive. Couldn't have asked for a nicer life-flipping change, though. Nor a cuter one. 'Specially when she asks for cookies and I say no, because she's torn through four packs of Oreos in half as many days.

What? I can resist tortured screams of pain, begging for mercy as a knife carefully find sensitive spots, but I can't resist Luna's sadness.

Holy shit. I am fucked up in more ways than forty.

I... Wow. I don't think I really realized the depth and breadth of my fucked-upedness until just now. Bloody hell.

Oh, she's coming back inside. Less tired, good sign. Probably won't fall asleep while watching.

Tomorrow, journal.