Titty Barn

Rarity was in the middle of closing shop for the night when Pinkie stuck her head in the door. "Hey Rarity!" Pinkie called. "You busy?"

"I'm just closing up," Rarity said. "I was about to have a nice hot bath, maybe read for a bit before bed..."

"Oh good, you're not busy then," Pinkie said. She grabbed Rarity by the hoof and dragged her bodily out into the street.

"Pinkie Pie!" Rarity chastised, separating herself from her friend. "What in Equestria has gotten into you?"

"There's a fun place I wanna check out!" Pinkie said. "But going to fun places is more fun with friends but Rainbow Dash took Scootaloo to Cloudsdale and they're not coming back until Thursday and Applejack has chores and Fluttershy's got sick chipmunks and Twilight's busy with Princess stuff and I don't know WHERE Discord is and I'm still not sure I wanna take him anyplace fun for fun stuff because he's still kind of on my I-spit-in-your-cupcake list after the whole Tirek thing even if Twilight and Fluttershy and even Princess Celestia forgave him so—"

"Alright, ALRIGHT!" Rarity said, covering her ears. "I'll go with you to—where are we going?"

"The Titty Barn!" Pinkie said happily.

Rarity blinked. "The...I'm sorry, what?"

"The Titty Barn!" Pinkie repeated. "It's this place downtown I've never been before but it looks like a lot of fun!"

"...Ponyville has a downtown?" Rarity asked, tilting her head curiously.

"Come on, let's go!" Pinkie said, galloping off into the evening. Rarity sighed theatrically and followed.

* * * * *

"So what exactly is a 'Titty Barn'?" Rarity asked.

"I have no idea!" Pinkie said. "But it must be fun because 'titty' is such a funny-sounding word! Tittytittytittytitty—"

Rarity shoved a hoof in Pinkie's mouth. "NOT. AGAIN."

"Sorry," Pinkie said sheepishly. Five steps later, she whispered, "picklebarrelkumquatchimicherrychanga..."

"I'm going home," Rarity announced, tossing her mane and turning around.

"No! Wait!" Pinkie cried, extending a hoof. "I'm sorry, okay? Please?"

Rarity sighed. "Oh, alright." She smiled. "I'll admit a change in routine is nice."

"Oh look, we're here!" Pinkie said.

The two mares stood in front of a large square barn which had been painted pastel purple with hot pink trim. Above the entrance was a sign with a silhouette of a reclining human girl above the brightly-painted words "TITTY BARN".

Rarity blinked. "Is that a...human? Like Twilight told us about?"

"Looks like it to me," Pinkie said. "Anyway, let's go inside!"

They opened the door, and immediately encountered a massive purple minotaur in a tuxedo. He looked down at them and raised an eyebrow. "Y'all wanna go in?"

"Yeppers!" Pinkie said, nodding.

"...y'all sho 'bout that?"

Pinkie nodded again, ponysqueaking.

The minotaur shrugged. "A'ight. Ten bit cover. Each."

Pinkie fished her bit bag out of her saddlebag. "I've got this," she said, hoofing it to the minotaur. He counted out twenty bits, then handed Pinkie back her bit bag and stepped out of the way.

"Interesting ambience," Rarity said as she looked around the dimly-lit barn. There were about a dozen round tables, a long, polished wood bar, and at the back of the room, a large stage with three brass poles in the center, backed by plum-colored velvet curtains. Most of the lights in the barn shone down on the stage; the rest of the room was lit by dim lanterns above the tables and gaudy neon signs behind the bar. Five of the tables were occupied; most of the patrons were stallions, though they saw a couple of mares. A tan unicorn stallion with a frizzy black mane, wearing a white collar with a black bowtie, stood behind the bar.

"Oooh, drinks!" Pinkie said, bouncing over to the bar. Rarity followed sedately.

The bartender looked up at them. "What can I get you ladies?" he asked.

"I'll have a sarsparilla!" Pinkie said, slamming her hoof on the bar and giving the bartender a squinty expression.

Rarity gave a ladylike flip of her hair. "I'll have a mimosa, if you please," she said daintily. As the bartender prepared their drinks, Rarity asked, "Excuse me, kind sir...we were just curious as to what sort of establishment this is."

The bartender slid a tall mug of sarsparilla in front of Pinkie and raised an eyebrow at Rarity as he poured champagne and orange juice into a crystal flute. "You mean you don't know?"

"Nope!" Pinkie replied. "I just saw this place and thought 'hey, I've never been here before', then I heard a few customers at Sugar Cube Corner talking about it and they sounded like they had a good time, so I thought I'd check it out!" She drank half her sarsparilla and wiped her mouth with a hoof. "Ahhhh..." She burped. "That'll give me some sass!"

The bartender chuckled, handed Rarity her drink, and refilled Pinkie's from a tap nozzle. "Well, let's just say this place is like nothing you've ever seen before." He poured a mix of crackers, pretzels, and nuts into a bowl and slid it across the bar, along with a stack of cocktail napkins. "Enjoy yourselves!"

"Thank you," Rarity said, taking her drink, the bowl, and the napkins in her magic and trotting to a table near the stage, Pinkie following her with her own drink.

"I wonder what the poles are for," Pinkie said as she nibbled on a pretzel.

"I suppose we'll find out," Rarity replied, daintily sipping her mimosa.

The lanterns above the tables dimmed, and the lights on the stage changed color from soft white to neon pink. All eyes turned to the stage as a human girl with fair skin, sparkling green eyes, and long, honey-brown hair that swung in a luxuriant curtain behind her walked onto the stage. She wore a short grey plaid skirt, a tight white blouse, thigh-high black stockings, glossy black Mary Janes, and a striped red necktie.

"Oh wow, so that's a human," Pinkie said.

"What a stylish ensemble!" Rarity said. "It's a bit plain, but..."

The girl stood in the center of the stage, eyes cast demurely to the floor, rubbing one toe shyly against the wood while pressing the index finger of her right hand against her chin.

Music with a pounding rhythm thundered from speakers near the stage.

The girl suddenly whipped into frantic motion, swinging her hips while thrashing her head about, sending her long hair swinging and swaying and whipping. She arched her back, grabbing hold of the center pole with her right hand, and extended her left leg high above her head. She grabbed the shoe on her left foot and pulled it off, tossing it into the wings. She then began working her way out of the stocking on that leg, rolling it down the length of the extended leg, then kicking it into the audience, where it landed on some stallion's muzzle. She then slid slinkily across the stage to the pole to her left, repeating the process with her right shoe and stocking.

Pinkie blinked. "Umm...what's she doing?"

"I...I don't know," Rarity said.

The girl, now bare-legged, clung tightly to the pole, sliding up and down its length and caressing it with her tongue. She then pulled away from the pole and began unbuttoning her blouse, spreading it open to reveal a lacy black bra. The stallions began cheering and whooping.

The girl whipped off her necktie and slung it around the pole, grabbing the ends with both hands and using it to do a dangerous backward lean out over the edge of the stage. She stared directly at Rarity and Pinkie, winked, then pulled herself back up onto the stage, spinning around the pole before throwing the necktie away and removing her blouse.

"Okay I really don't get what's going on here," Pinkie admitted.

The girl danced in place for a minute, arms raised above her head, then slid her hands down her sides. She unfastened her skirt and slid it slowly down her legs, stepping out of it and kicking it away, leaving her clad only in her lacy black bra and matching panties.

"So she's wearing clothes under her clothes?" Pinkie asked.

"Twilight did say that human clothes were strange," Rarity said.

The girl climbed one of the poles and swung around it sinuously, swaying her body and hanging upside-down by her legs. She stretched out, grabbed another pole, and launched herself at it, curling her body against it and swinging around it with dizzying speed as she dropped to the stage, legs spread wide against the floor. She then pulled herself to her feet, swaying gently on stage and looking out over the audience with a smile.

She reached behind her back and unfastened her bra, which she slowly peeled away from her body. She cupped it against her chest tauntingly, giving the patrons a teasing, sultry look, before tossing it at a stallion three tables away from the stage. She cupped her large, bare breasts with her hands and danced in place.

Rarity's jaw dropped.

"Uhh..." Pinkie began, wide-eyed. "Rarity?"

"Y-yes, Pinkie?"

"I'm starting to think the 'fun' in this place isn't really my kind of fun."

"I believe I'm forced to agree," Rarity said, eyeing the swaying, mostly-naked human girl. "I'm still not quite sure what's going on here, but the stallions around us are getting...rather excited. And it's starting to make me nervous." She finished her mimosa, wiped her mouth delicately, and backed away from the table. "I think we should go."

"Yeah," Pinkie agreed. She tossed a few bits to the bartender, and the two mares left the Titty Barn.

As they trotted home, Pinkie said, "You know, though...I might go back sometime and ask that girl to teach me some of her dance moves. When she's not so, you know...naked."

"It's a shame that place is so...disturbing," Rarity said. "That bartender does serve an excellent mimosa."