Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008

“I’m the boss of this city!” Roared the mighty warrior. I was, and still am, that great terror that haunted those who were either inspired or remembered me. I stood tall atop that statuesque titan that rivaled if not surpassed the Colossus of Rhodes himself. In my hand at that time was the trophy of the former monstrosity Hunter Borgia, shunned by his own mother as nothing but a stunted weakling, even with the advantage of my own power. From his derived life-force, I drew upon the very face of this statue the symbol that unites mighty Yautja like myself, the statement expressed from many worlds over, the emblem of my clan.

My mission was complete, my dishonor avenged, and an end to the foolish prey whose ancestors thought they could betray my mercy without consequence. All that was left was to take the ship I was provided to obtain my blood recompense and leave this world, to pursue other conquests.

Of course, I just HAD to have the ship hover over the statue’s head so that I could pull off a sick jump onto my spacecraft and leave in style, in case girls were watching. Especially Tina from college, if she could see me then she would be totally into me. But it was raining at that time, and let’s just say rain plus a smoothly made shuttle with no edges to grab onto is not the best thing to jump on. Plus I think I was pretty hammered at the time, cus I think those samurai I teamed up with at the time had colorful hair and that’s just something I totally I wouldn’t see unless I’m drunk. Anyways, I slipped and fell right off. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the auto-pilot I had set was already heading to my homeworld and so all I could do was fall. And fall. And, well, I tried flying but the stupid fishnets and metal armor I was wearing weren’t helping me much.

Anyways, after that I went through a portal, which I haven’t questioned in depth as it ensured that I didn’t die in a very lame way. If I died by just going “ker-splat!” on the pavement, I would’ve never gone to the prom with Tina. After going through a portal I ended up in the streets of New Way City, and after seeing a bunch of people wearing filthy jackets, rollerblades, and playing Gameboys, I knew I was in a much worse time. I was in the 1990’s on Earth.

Now is the year 2007 for these humans, and in my hand I hold no such trophy. I haven’t for some time now. In its place was a yellow bottle of sauce, that I squirted onto some disturbing foodstuffs and handed to a patron who ate it all too gladly. Man, when Uncle Phil told me that I had to do this, I never thought I’d have to do it even in the past! So I can’t get back home, I’m stuck on Earth, and thanks to a set of Groucho Marx glasses I am totally camouflaged among the humans.

I didn’t go to Predator College for this. I swear, I thought Bull-Tusks was being just a butthead when he shoved that nerd against the locker, but he’s totally right. Humans are lame. I should’ve ended up back in Predator College to help my younger self, but I suppose I did alright with that cyan quadrupedal avian to help me out. I wonder what happened to her.

Wait, what was I doing? Oh, crud, a customer!

“Hello Sir, what may I get you today?” I played on my wrist-bound communicator in collage of voices I picked up over time. I mean, I could’ve just said it to him, my English at this point is pretty good, but the last time I did that some guy just assumed I was speaking Spanish.

“Shut it pal.” He said, holding up a finger to me. Oh how I’d like to just snap that off and shove it right up his ear. Of course the only thing on his ear right now was one of those stupid looking bluetooths they got nowadays. “The hell do you mean he won’t show up, his catchphrase is ‘For pony!’ for crying out loud! If the fans, and every other idiot want to think Twilight Sparkle is a horse, then we should get him to fight against someone else horse-related!”

What I heard was dim, but distinct. “I’m sorry Mister McMahon, but this Richard guy just won’t show up, he says that he doesn’t want to be associated with the evils of WWE.”

“We got the show tonight, and you failed me! I can’t just throw in someone from our current stable, they’re selling too hard right now and they can’t stop! Who the hell am I going to get to replace them?”

“Hello Sir-” I played again, to an even more hostile response.

“Hey, I’ll tell you my order when I’m good and ready, got it?” This time he actually caught a pretty good glimpse at me and once he did that he started to size me up. “Hey buddy, how’d you like to make a hundred bucks?”

It feels good to get back in the saddle again, so goes the human expression. Surprisingly, metal parts and fishnet stockings are a common thing among the various wrestling gear that I had to choose from, and it was not long before I looked the same as I was back in New Wave City, back when I had both my eyes that is. Although I’m a bit surprised how accurate the replica mask I found looked like my personal one, although it seems to be purely for cosmetics as its visual device is merely a piece of stained glass. It blocks my image a bit, but at least I can still see in plain jane red.

“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Friday Night Smackdown! I’m your host Jerry ‘the king’ Lawler.” I heard from the speakers. After the introduction, I would have to just walk up and subjugate some enemy without killing them and I can make a cool hundred. I see nothing to interrupt this.

“And I’m Jim Ross. So Jerry, feel good about being able to open up this time?”

“I’m actually regretting it, I can feel my good looks slipping away. I guess going second was what was keeping me looking real nice, and opening it wasn’t exactly a good idea.”

“Well hey now, do I sense a little hostility? Now is that from how you and our upcoming challenger for the night share a first name?”

“Hey, you’d take offense to that too. I mean, you can be likened to Jim Jones, a really charismatic guy. All I got is some doofus without a tangible work history who smells like hotdog water.”

“Alright, simmer down there Jerry. Anyways, today here we have the one, the only, Jerry The Predator!”

That’d be my cue. I approach the curtain and crouch just behind it. And springing some twenty feet in the air, I burst up through the curtains and slam onto the walkway as dust scatters around me. Nobody knows me, and yet when I walk out on that runway men are spilling beer over themselves in excitement and the women aren’t too different. So I just strut down towards that so fabled ‘squared circle’ and before I arrive to that padded floor surrounding it, I notice something pretty freaky deaky.

“Hold on a sec, are you even human?”

My disguise! The glasses, they do nothing! Ah crud, ah jeez, an man, I can’t be caught now! Alright, what would fool this person? What do humans do? Well during the prelude to a match I heard they usually start calling each other out. Maybe I can trash-talk this person, whoever they are, just to distract them. Of course, that’s gonna be kinda hard considering I’m looking up and a set of ropes are blocking my way and my vision isn’t exactly 20/20, so maybe just playing sound bites from other wrestlers would work.

Alright, this one from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson aughtta work. “What! . . . Is your name?”

“Oh, sorry about that. I’m Twilight Spa-”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” As soon as I said that the crowd just started cheering like I just won the match already. I might as well roll with this. Another HUGE jump twenty feet in the air, and I slam right onto the inside of the ring and make all those ropes start shaking. Let’s see Uncle Phil treat me like some unblooded whelp when I beat this clearly formerly indomitable and powerful . . . Uh . . .

Alright, so apparently they put me up against a purple horse. Then again, back in college I had a baby blue one as a roommate. So thinking back on that, I study her for comparison and see while she doesn’t exactly have a multi-colorful mane, she does have wings. But the real difference and why I can’t believe this is that she has a horn while my roommate didn’t. Oh well, I could probably punch it in the spine and get an instant win.

“You know, that really looks like an interesting costume. Was that mouthpiece inspired by the mandible of some type of arthropod? It’s actually sort of intimidating, though the four-prongs seems rather . . . inefficient.”

I’m going to chalk up it’s ability to speak English as another attribute it shared with my roommate. Man, if she can wrestle as hard as that Rainbow Dash pony could then I might not really stand a chance. Of course, this isn’t the time for remembering the good ol’ days, it’s time to put some hurt on my opponent.

I quickly line her up to my side and wrap an arm around her neck. With this achieved, I deliver a huge fist right to her kidneys! Amazingly, her skin stayed intact while a lesser being would’ve just been bisected.

“Oh man, the Predator’s got Twilight in a headlock! How’s he going to get out of this?” Said the so called “King” announcer.

It would seem his optimism that my opponent would escape would be correct, because Twilight lifts me up with surprising strength with her head and throws me behind her. Of course, I’ve fallen from heights greater than this, so I’m up and on my feel real quick. But by the time I turn to face her, she is already right up next to me, rear-first, and kicks me out of the ring with those powerful legs of hers. Now that hurt.

The referee is counting now, and the beast within the ring is staring at me, ready to prevent my re-entry. So I do what is pretty much unavoidable, and I jump high into the air yet again. That sets her for a loop, though I’ve pretty much done it a million times by now. Her confusion will be her downfall, because I make sure to land right on her back. She nearly buckles and falls flat, but that strength that set me reeling keeps her aloft still.
Naturally, she starts jumping around, flapping her wings, and just struggling to try and get me off, but a nice good hold on her mane keeps me on her. It’s clear she’s desperate, and so I hop off her back while I keep my grip on her mane and I run towards one of the corners of this ring. With a bit more of a thrust in addition to the already running force of the confused horse, I slam her face-first into the turnbuckle. But that’s not all, I lift up her head and then slam her face into it again! And then I back away mercifully. She’s not dead, I need no sensors to detect this.
I rip off the fake mask and toss it out of the ring. A few quick swipes of my wrist-device and I hold my arms aloft in the victory I had been granted time and time again, and this foe was no exception. “I’M THE BOSS OF THIS CITY!” The device plays in conjunction with my roar of impending victory. Man, I hope girls are watching, and not these homely human females either.
This is the hypest thing ever! I never thought I’d be so excited to have knocked out a horse, but go figure. I am metal incarnate. So of course, I’m gonna start grooving and kickin’ it old school like how we did it back at Predator University. I kind of deserve a kick in the back of the head, which is exactly what I got from that nerdicorn who as it turns out was still alive and not knocked out.

Now that was pretty much a strike to the brain. So I roll over and see that she’s all ready to deliver a finishing blow, and that’s a little brutal. But I have the good ol’ one last trick up my fishnet sleeve. I go to my wrist-device and press a few buttons, and then it starts beeping in a steadily growing succession. She simply watches me like a curious whelp, unfamiliar of her impending demise. What a foolicorn!

“You didn’t win! You didn’t win!” Even in my broken English, I can tell by the look at the surprised look on her face that she understood what I said clearly.

The beeping goes even faster and faster, and we are only moments away. Her sight swishes between me and the beeping device again and again until her eyes are practically rattling in her head, and I can only laugh as she can’t grasp the concept that I shall not be dishonored again! There is no escape! She shall lose!

Then in but a moment the beeping ceases all together and an impotent puff of smoke farts out of my device. I swear, I dropped it in the toilet ONCE and now it just plain doesn’t work, that is lame. So with my last ace-in-the-hole gone, she pins me and I end up losing. I can’t say I feel too defeated over this though, I did manage to slam a horse once so at least and that was pretty cool so this was all worth it. I just hope girls aren’t watching, especially these homely human ladies.

“Uh oh, looks like someone’s gal is about to give the winner a piece of her mind!”

Now what the heck is that loser cowboy talking about? I sit on up and look around, only to feast my eyeballs on the hottest thing since the sun. Man, she gots curves in all the right places, and all the men are totally stunned by her beauty. And those proboscis, yo! Those four sharp teeth, man, the hottest around! There’s only one girl I know with a body like that.

“Tina!”

That strut of hers as she slides between the ropes and gets into the ring is just about the greatest thing I could’ve seen this night. It’s like someone was just reading my mind, only she needs to be riding a motorbike, carrying a six-pack, and wielding one of those lame swords those folks in Asia had back in the day they all wore bathrobes. And what makes this moment greater is that she is walking right up to me, flipping awesome. Not a word needs to be said, she’s just standing in front of me and I’m on my knees like a scene straight out of a romance movie.

Alright, so I know I just said that seeing her slide between the ropes was the greatest thing ever, right? This beauty in short-shorts made me lie. I don’t know but I’m pretty sure she could sense my defeat, and so she is kind enough to comfort me with her soft hand on the side of my, inevitably bruised, face. This can only get better.

Again, this hotness in hot-pants made me lie. But in my defense, I was so caught up with her touching my face that she took that opportunity to deliver a sick blow with her knee right in my mandibles! Mandibles, bro! It hurts more than you’d think.

Eyup, I think I’m done here. Twilight won, Tina beat me up, and I’m never going home.