An Old Equestrian Storm

001

"I just wanted to get away from it all...There was no way of knowing what would happen. Even if somebody had told me outright, even with my past experience with the paranormal, I wouldn't have believed them. I had given up hope that anything would truly change on Earth."

The plan was simple. Pack my bags and start walking. I didn't need any further plan than that. I didn't have time to go further than that. If I didn't leave my chaotic home life behind, the last of my mental stability would go and I'd do something irreversible. With a metaphorical doom clock ticking in my head, I left my home town on July 9th. It was a week before my birthday and over a month until my next college semester. Plenty of time to get my head back together and enjoy the disconnect from my old lifestyle.

With a full duffel bag and a large aluminum case sharing space on my back, I departed my hometown at a leisurely pace. Two hours of walking brought me to the city limits and only a short walk further put me in unclaimed wilderness. From there, I simply wandered, taking in nature in its normal state. I had enough basic survival knowledge to keep myself in one piece, so I wasn't all that worried about making it back to civilization before night fell.

When night did fall, I had a large smile on my face. It was to be a full moon and I'd found a nice cliff that overlooked the forest to watch it rise from. With a small fire pit between me and the edge of the cliff, I leaned back on my hands and closed my eyes for a brief moment to just listen. My eyes snapped open a split second later when I noted that the area was too quiet. No animal cries, no insect calls... nothing but the wind. A soft warning growl escaped my throat automatically, my hands reaching under my shirt to grab the silver chain around my neck. On that chain were two keys, which went to the asymmetrical locks on the hefty case I'd lugged around all day.

Without wasting any time, I inserted both keys into their respective slots... then let out a grumble of annoyance when I realized that I'd mixed up which key went in which lock. After a little more wasted time correcting my mistake, I finally popped the latches and opened the case, revealing the pair of swords inside. I had worked my arse off to earn the money for them and the case to actually take them anywhere in public without being arrested. My hand found the hilt of my first sword, a replica Italian Schiavona. It was really a shame my town didn't have a fencing club of any kind.

With no further ado, I undid the velcro strap holding the Schiavona in its padded prison and quickly situated its belt around my waist. I was tempted to grab my second sword... but no, the hilt was too long to wield one-handed, let alone attempt dual-wielding.

"Ahem."

It shames me to admit that I let out a rather unmanly yelp at the unexpected noise. I turned to face the source, a feminine figure sharing my campfire. Just looking at her, I could tell she wasn't natural. It wasn't just the fact that her face was hidden by an unnaturally dark shadow under her hood, but the gray robe she wore seemed to shift a million shades with the slightest movement. I'm so utterly boned, I thought, looking at the impossible woman, who just continued to sit at the campfire, sipping at a cup of tea that she most certainly didn't have a moment ago. Silently, I debated the merits of jumping off the cliff versus staying and talking to that being.

"Now now, that's quite enough of that," She spoke in a musical voice, pulling my attention back to reality. A pair of glowing green lights flashed in the shadow of her hood and my vision blurred. When it refocused, I'd completely lost my train of thought. That didn't stop the feeling that something important had happened and I missed it. Level of screwed increased by infinity divided by zero. If I make it out of this in one piece, it'll be a miracle. The woman let out a long sigh and snapped her gloved fingers. All of the supernatural effects; the shifting robe, glowing eyes, and general aura of paranormal faded quickly after. The only thing left was the shadow in her hood, which I could assume was to protect her identity.

"Since you can finally look in my general direction, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen," The woman said, rising from her seat. I absently noted that she no longer had her tea cup. "In less than a minute, a rift in the fabric of this Earth will open behind you. I am going to throw you into it if you don't go through on your own. On the other side of that rift will be a very different world from this one. You are to stay there and learn from its inhabitants. When I feel you have learned enough, I will seek you out once more."

During her little speech, the woman had moved closer and closer to me, until she was less than arm's length away.

"As incentive, I will fix your medical issues. Both physical... and mental."

"Bull," I snapped, pushing her away roughly and drawing my basket-hilted sword. As powerful as she was, I wasn't going to just submit to her whims without a fight. "There's always a catch to situations like these. Offers that are just too good to be true."

The woman was still for a moment. I had a feeling that she wasn't taking my refusal all that well. When she spoke again, her voice was filled with power, her tone icy.

"Time's up."

Those two words were the last things I heard before an unseen force slammed into my chest. There was no way to dodge or defend. My last sight was Her standing at the cliff's edge, staring down at my falling form.

Then, there was nothingness. An infinite empty space of endless possibility. Unfortunately, endless possibility seemed to translate to pain on a level that couldn't be expressed in mere words. Just experiencing it made something fundamental to my existence snap. I felt weaker and weaker, my eyelids growing heavy. At last, I gave up the fight and slipped into blissful unconsciousness.

I'm alive.

My eyes opened wide and for a long time I just stared up at a blue sky. After a moment, my composure broke and I began to laugh. I'd survived encountering a god-tier being, getting thrown off a cliff, and falling into the empty space between sections of the multiverse. If that didn't deserve a bit of joy at simply being alive, I don't know what does.

Still smiling, I sat up and took a quick look at my surroundings. Lush green fields met my gaze, with tall mountains off in the distance and a forest not too far off. Looking over my shoulder provided a view of thatched-roof houses, with a few more unique examples of architecture mixed about.

As I slowly rose to my feet, I began to notice differences. My body was behaving differently than I remembered and the fact that I could take a full breath without feeling pain in my chest was just the start. Being born with a deformed heart and lungs had cost me a lot of opportunities in life and had steered me towards a more sedentary lifestyle. None of the physical effects of that lifestyle remained, leaving me in better shape than I could ever remember being. After further examination, I noticed that my scars were missing as well. Those were physical reminders of past experiences and to see them go was saddening.

I shook my head to help bring my focus back on the situation at hand. My sword case and backpack had made the trip with me and both were lying neatly less than a meter away. The Schiavona was returned to its resting place after a quick inspection of its blade for any damage. Wearing a sword into town was not a good way to make a first impression, laws aside. When both my case and duffel bag were settled across my back, I crossed the field to town.

The closer I came to the houses and hard-packed dirt roads, the more I began to feel uneasy. I'd long learned to trust my instincts and they were telling me that going any further was a bad idea. On my next step, I pivoted and froze like a deer in headlights.

Standing at roughly four feet tall was a quadrupedal creature colored painfully pink, with a big poofy hairstyle and a tail in a darker shade to match. The creature was giving me a big grin that split her short, rounded muzzle, but it didn't quite reach her gigantic baby blue eyes. For the longest time neither of us moved and the inside of my head was filled with screams of 'Abort mission!' The pink quadruped took a deep, gasping breath. My eyes went wide with terror. It was going to call for backup!

In a surge of motion, I vaulted over its back and ran at a full sprint away from the town.

Exactly ten seconds later, something slammed into my back like a wrecking ball, propelling me face-first into the grass. Stunned and confused, I couldn't put up so much as a token resistance when something began dragging me by my pants leg. By the time I'd recovered, I knew escape was no longer possible. More of the creatures, in every color combination of the rainbow and then some, were scattered about, watching my captor with wide eyes and whispering amongst themselves. I noticed a few variations among the species as well. Some had a spiraling horn coming out of their forehead and others sported a pair of wings that were much too small to support natural flight. I wondered just how their evolution worked out if these strange variants were the end result.

"Pinkie Pie, what is that thing you're dragging into town?" The feminine voice that spoke sounded rather annoyed, as though she was used to such antics. Wait, a voice! Possible salvation! I lifted my head and looked around, but there was only a beige creature with aged gray hair standing in front of my pink captor. Huh? Is it wearing glasses?

"He's my new bestestestest friend, Mayor Mare! We just met and it already wanted to play tag with me!" A bubbly girlish voice responded and I was oriented just right to see it was the Pink Menace moving its mouth. If it was moving its mouth, that meant it'd let go of my pants! Whatever crazy world I'd been dropped into, I wanted no part of it. At the very least, I could make a plea for help and hopefully get someone a little more sane to talk with.

"Help me!" I mouthed to the beige creature. It blinked, then its eyes widened and she spoke with more authority.

"Pinkie Pie, I know you enjoy greeting new visitors to Ponyville, but this is crossing the line."

The town is named Ponyville? That's just... wow. Things were starting to click together in my head. Especially the bright colors and cutesy names. Had I been dropped into a five-year-old's deepest fantasies? It was quite possible, but the jury was still out on it. It painted 'Pinkie Pie's' actions in a gentler light at least, but that grin she'd given me would likely haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.

"What do you mean, Mayor Mare?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head and scratching her head with one of the blunt stumps that ended her limbs.

"You dragged this poor being all the way through town with its face in the dirt!" The Mayor fixed Pinkie with a no-nonsense glare. "How do you think that makes the rest of us look? What if we were the first ponies it's met?"

They're actually calling themselves Ponies too. Okay. This really is a little girl's fantasy come to life. I struggled up to a sitting position, wincing at the state my clothes were in.  Pinkie Pie was just staring at me with wide, tearful eyes, her mane and tail having gone completely straight somehow.

"He was too tired to walk and I was just trying to help!" Pinkie began crying and I felt like a bit of an arse for sicking the Mayor on her. Yeah, those tears were most definitely stacking on the guilt.

"Oi," I interrupted, bringing both of their attention to me. "I think we have a big misunderstanding here. Let's just calm down and start fresh."

"I think that would be for the best," Mayor Mare said, giving a nod of approval and a small smile. Pinkie Pie took a few sniffles more and wiped away her tears before she was good to go. I noticed that we'd grown quite the audience by this time, watching our interactions with rapt attention.

"Very well then, I am the Mayor of Ponyville, Mayor Mare if you prefer."

I opened my mouth to give my own name, but I quickly realized the name that my brain provided was not the one I was given at birth. Frowning, I quickly pieced back over my memories of home, but found only tattered fragments of information and experiences. I didn't know how these Ponies would react to the truth of my arrival, so I refocused and introduced myself with the false name.

"Call me Rain."

"Ooh, it fits because your eyes are all grey like a big gloomy storm cloud!" Pinkie cut in, her hair and tail poofed back to their original appearance. I got another sense of dread as she opened her mouth once more. That sense proved true as she unleashed a torrent of words at me which I could only make out vague concepts from. Something about parties and baking. If I needed more information on her, I'd go to someone who knew how to regulate the speed of their speech.

"Well, Mr. Rain, what brings you to Ponyville?" Mayor Mare asked. I fumbled for a proper backstory,and finally just settled on something basic.

"Just wandering the country. This was a convenient stop along the way," I replied, hoping my excuse would work.

"I see. If you plan on staying for a bit, the Summer Sun Celebration is in two days' time. I suppose that's all I need from you for now. Enjoy your stay!"

Mayor Mare trotted away and I just watched her go. Apparently so long as I didn't cause trouble, I was good to stick around. I fully planned to take advantage of that time and get as much information on the world I'd entered, without raising too many red flags at my ignorance. With that in mind, I turned to Pinkie. I was dreading the pain that would come with this plan, but it was all I really had to work with off the top of my head.

"So, Pinkie, how about giving me a tour of Ponyville?"

If I thought her previous grin was nightmare fuel, the one she produced at my request nearly made me wish for death.

One thing I learned very quickly about Pinkie Pie was that she never shut up so long as someone was around to hear her. If the opportunity to avoid her in the future became available I'd take it in a heartbeat. There was only so much randomness a person could withstand.

On a more positive note I was learning plenty by tailing her through Ponyville, but we didn't stop at any of the numerous unique businesses long enough for me to meet the owners. The country Ponyville was in, Equestria, was a monarchy ruled by one 'Princess Celestia', an 'Alicorn'. I couldn't get an explanation on what an Alicorn actually was, but the ponies spoke of Celestia as more a god than a ruler. That raised a few warning flags for me, but I wasn't going to start a social reform movement where one didn't seem wanted or needed.

One of the places we did stop was the town hall, which was located right in Ponyville's town square. While there I picked up a map of Ponyville and its surrounding areas, as well as an Immigrant's Guide to Equestrian law and culture. The latter was actually printed in the capital and mandatory for all districts of Equestria to provide. It certainly made my task a fair bit easier.

"You haven't said much, Rainy," Pinkie Pie interjected suddenly, cutting into my thoughts and cursory reading of the guide. "Whatcha' thinking about? Is it cupcakes? Or maybe donuts. Mmmm. Donuts. With all that delicious frosting..."

Pinkie Pie began drooling at the thought, prompting me to step away from the puddle that was forming with shocking speed.

"No, not about cupcakes... though I could go for a glazed donut while we're on the topic. I was just-"

Pinkie Pie put a pink 'hoof' over my lips and shifted her voice to a sultry Spanish accent.

"Shh shh shh. Do not speak. I know what it is that you desire."

I just blinked at the crazy pony and took another long step away from her. She advanced on me, adjusting the sombrero atop her head while smirking and wiggling her brows. Pinkie took a good grip of my shirt in her teeth and pronked away at high speed. When physics decided to kick in, I was once again dragged bodily across Ponyville, accumulating even more dirt on my clothes. It was nearly impossible to see the original colors anymore.

"Tuck and roll, amigo!" Pinkie exclaimed, twisting her head forward and releasing her grip. I was flung in a high arc towards the doorway of a business themed as a giant gingerbread house, remembering Pinkie's advice just in time to impact with a hard wood floor. Unfortunately, with my sword case and backpack throwing off my center of balance, I ended up botching the execution and lying flat on my back. All of the ponies scattered about the various tables just froze, staring at me like a wolf among sheep. I patiently waited for Pinkie to enter and approach me before moving so much as an inch.

"Hm... is the floor really that comfortable?" Pinkie asked, then promptly flopped down on her back next to me. Her face turned serious for a brief moment, but that was ruined when Pinkie started having a giggle fit. Just like that, all tension in the room was erased and the other ponies resumed their business. I blinked and Pinkie was gone. The next thing I knew something soft was being pressed against my lips and trying to gain entrance. I pulled my head back and found Pinkie Pie trying to insert a glazed donut into my mouth. We matched stares for a long time, with Pinkie just pulling back her hoof, which was breaking the laws of physics by somehow keeping the donut attached to it, and pushing it forward once more to bump against my unopened mouth.

"Rainy, eat it." Pinkie stage-whispered, "Rainy. Rainy. Rainy. You need to... Rainy. Rain. Eat the donut."

Pinkie's force with each attempt to feed me inceased until she was very nearly punching me in the face.

"Pinkie, dear, maybe it doesn't want you to feed it?" Another pony asked, walking up to us. Her hair, or 'mane' according to Pony terminology, was a faded pink done up in a swirling pattern like it came out of an ice cream machine and her coat was a light blue that was almost a few shades away from making her painful to look at. Like many other ponies she had a marking on both flanks, in this case a trio of cherry-topped cupcakes. The guide had explained them as something to do with the pony's destiny, but I didn't put much stock in that.

"That's silly, Mrs. Cake! Rainy said he wanted a glazed donut. Even though they're really boring and plain compared to other types of donuts. Like ones with frosting! Or Sprinkles! Or frosting-flavored sprinkles!"

"You couldn't have waited for me to actually get off the floor?" I deadpanned at Pinkie, then took the donut in my teeth. Pinkie just beamed at me and let out an odd squeaking noise.

"Oh, oh my. You can actually talk? I'm so sorry, I thought Pinkie had brought home some strange animal!"

"Contrary to my current, somewhat uncivilized appearance, I am not an animal," I rolled my eyes and took another bite of the treat Pinkie had tried to force-feed me. It was actually pretty good. Sweet, but not too sweet.

"Oh, um, sorry for that. I'm Cup Cake, co-owner of Sugarcube Corner with my Husband, Carrot Cake."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Rain, currently unemployed."

We shared a small chuckle at that while Pinkie just looked between us, deep in thought.

"I apologize if this seems rude, but what are you? Some sub-breed of Minotaur?" Cup Cake questioned, quickly waving us towards a spare table so we could talk more comfortably. Minotaurs were apparently around Equestria as well. It was a good thing to be aware of, especially with the mythology surrounding them.

"No, I'm a human -"

That statement was cut off by the sound of a shattering plate and my head whipped around to the source. A minty green horned pony, or unicorn as they'd named themselves, had dropped a milkshake glass and was staring at me in utter awe. Her golden pupils had narrowed to pinpricks and her muzzle was rapidly growing into a wide grin.

"Lyra-" The cream-coated 'Earth Pony' at her table nearly begged. This was cut off as the unicorn charged at me with all haste, her head and horn lowered in determination. Or in an attempt to impale me. I wasn't quite sure which. Either way, I did what any intelligent male would do when faced with a stampeding female: Run in the opposite direction.

"NicemeetingyouMrs.Cakegottagobye!" I fumbled out, grabbing my sword case and sprinting for the door. I would have taken my backpack as well if time allowed, but Lyra very nearly gutted me with the time I already took.

"Come back, Mr. Human!" The crazy unicorn called after me. I heard several loud thuds and crashes from behind me, then 'Lyra' came stampeding out of Sugaracube Corner with a shredded table cloth dangling from her horn. There was a brief pause as our eyes met. Lyra skidded to a halt in the street and began scuffing at the dirt with a hoof like a bull preparing to charge.

"Would you just leave me alone?" I grumbled as my annoyance rose higher and higher.

"No! They all called me crazy, said I was a fool for my studies of anthropology! Now you, an actual living breathing human, are right within my grasp! I can't let you escape!"

"Lyra! That's enough!"

I relaxed my stance when Lyra took a full-body tackle from the Earth Pony she'd been sitting with. It seemed a little violent for their general nature, but if Lyra hadn't stopped on her own free will, I'd planned to put her in a headlock myself.

"I'm truly sorry about Lyra. She's had an obsession with humans ever since she found that old storybook. I'm afraid it's gotten worse and worse over the years," The Earth Pony started dragging Lyra away from me by the tail. Lyra put up the kind of fight only an insane person could, but was soon out of sight. The last sound I heard was a broken-hearted wail.

It seemed that for every sane pony, there was another who pushed insanity to new levels. I'd have to be on my guard for any more like Lyra. With Pinkie no longer giving me a tour, I was free to have a little time to myself. There were a few things I needed to take care of first, however.

Ponyville General Hospital stood two stories tall and was perhaps the most modern and familiarly-designed building in the entire town. I'd washed up as best I could in the small river that ran through the southern end of the district, but my clothes weren't really salvageable. I'd have to risk Sugarcube Corner to retrieve my backpack, which was something I wasn't willing to do so soon after breaking free of Pinkie Pie and Lyra. I had a good number of cuts and scrapes from those encounters. I wasn't in the mood to get any more.

My reasons for going to the hospital were twofold. First, I wanted to get an idea of their standards for medical treatment. Second, I wanted them to have a baseline for my vitals in case of emergency. I didn't plan on getting into trouble or anything, but it was better to be safe than misdiagnosed.

When I opened the front door, the Earth Pony at the front desk looked up with a smile, which turned to confusion rather quickly.

"H-hello?" She greeted, seeming more than a little unsure.

"Greetings. My name is Rain," I returned with a small smile that would hopefully keep her calm. "I'd like to schedule an appointment for a regular checkup. I'm going to be in the area for a bit and I'd like there to be a baseline for me on file in case of emergency."

The pony visibly relaxed and pulled out a notepad and pencil. She quickly flipped through the pages before looking back up to me. I noted idly that she had a red cross for the mark on her rear.

"Well, Doctor Horse is booked on appointments for today and tomorrow thanks to everypony who's in town for the Celebration. Then after that is the actual holiday. Does three days from now at three in the afternoon work for you?"

"Aye. I'll be here," I replied, "Is there any paperwork that I can fill out in advance? Just to speed everything up?"

"Thinking ahead, I see," The pony smiled at me, "I wish more ponies would take such an interest in streamlining the process. Give me a moment to get it all rounded up."

After spotting the chairs along the walls to either side of the front door I took a seat and found them oddly similar to human-made furniture. From what I'd seen ponies sat much like Earth's horses. Why would they use an inefficient design for their physiology?

"Tenderheart, are we still going out to lunch?"

A white Earth Pony with a pale pink mane entered the lobby, sweeping off the nurse's hat placed between her ears and setting it on the desk.

"Of course, Redheart. Let me just finish finding the paperwork for Mr. Rain and I'll be ready."

"Rain? Who's-" Redheart cut off when she finally saw me, and she just smirked. "Oh, that weird thing that Pinkie dragged into town earlier."

"Yeah, pretty much," I chuckled, "I'm a human, by the way."

Both nurses winced at that declaration.

"Well, I owe Snowheart ten bits now," Redheart grumbled. "Watch out for a unicorn by the name of Lyra Heartstrings. She's... err..."

"Utterly obsessed with my species for some reason? Yeah. We've met," I replied, shuddering at the memory. "Out of wild curiosity, do all of the nurses have 'heart' in their names?"

Tenderheart and Redheart quickly looked at each other, then turned their giant eyes on me.

"No," They answered in unison. I felt an odd chill go down my spine and decided to drop the topic. Soon after that Tenderheart found all of the forms I needed to fill out and provided a clipboard to make things easier. Then she and Redheart left the hospital while another Earth Pony, this one a light beige with a dark purple mane, took her place. She was clearly a bit younger than the other nurses judging by her smaller stature. She took her spot at the front desk and gave me a friendly wave, then set about cleaning up Tenderheart's mess.

The forms were rather straightforward, asking for my name, age, and other similar information. Other sections were a bit more confusing, such as the one about 'Cutie Marks'. As far as I knew that was the official name for the marks on all of the ponies' flanks. It was also an unbearably cutesy designation that I would avoid using unless absolutely necessary.

If I had one, I know what it would be, I thought, looking at the blue lion head that I'd hand-painted onto the top of my sword case a long time ago. With my memories scrambled, I couldn't remember when I'd originally started using it or why, but that symbol held great importance from what bits I could see.

All in all it took roughly twenty minutes to finish the paperwork, and I approached the young pony at the desk.

"I'll get this filed away for you," She said, taking the bottom edge of the clipboard in her mouth. The young pony quickly looked over the information, likely making sure everything important was filled out. Her expression turned sad as she looked at the section about Cutie Marks.

"Everything checks out," The young pony declared, her smile seeming a bit forced now. "Enjoy the rest of your day, alright?"

I nodded and returned to my sword case, settling the ten pounds of weight across my back.

"Wait, isn't that your cutie mark?" The little pony asked. I turned and saw that she was gesturing at the lion head.

"Closest I've got to one," I admitted, "See you around."

Without further ado, I exited the hospital, wincing at the bright sunlight. My stomach growled and I quickly checked my watch, which had already been synchronised to local time during my tour with Pinkie. Just a bit after noon. If I had any money I'd grab something local for lunch, I thought as I walked down the road. If push came to shove I'd rather go hungry than deal with Pinkie Pie again, so I settled on a bench at the small but well-kept local park and continued reading the Immigrant's Guide.

I quickly learned that being the only human in a town full of colorful Equines made me a bit of an attraction. Over the two hours that I read, I frequently noticed groups of young ponies gathering to gawk at me. They always scattered when I looked up from the book, screaming and squealing as though I planned to eat them. Some of the adults were no better on that aspect. I was getting better about general pony terminology, but I wasn't about to give up my basic pride and start using 'anypony' or 'somepony' like they did. The laws were rather lax since pony society didn't generally need them. I suppose the old philosophy that 'good men don't need rules' applies. Any special cases were handed directly to the Princess and I really didn't want to know what she would do.

"...Rainy..."

I froze at Pinkie's irritating nickname for me and quickly looked around for the hyperactive pony I was trying to avoid. There she was at a vendor's stand, the owner of which was an orange Earth Pony wearing a stetson of all things, and chattering at a hundred miles a minute. The orange mare was deathly still, her eyes narrowing further and further in annoyance. At last she just started slowly banging her head on the cart in front of her, knocking loose a few apples. Wait, if Pinkie's here, then... I grabbed my sword case and made a beeline for Sugarcube Corner, intent on getting my supplies back while the opportunity presented itself.

A bright yellow Earth Pony with a more squarish muzzle was manning the counter when I entered and his lack of surprise at my appearance made me assume that his wife had filled him in on our earlier encounter. Whatever damage Lyra had caused to the store was already cleaned up. There did seem to be a few tables and chairs missing though.

"Why hello there! I'm Carrot Cake. Sorry we didn't get to meet earlier. I was in the back baking up a fresh batch of brownies."

I paused for a second at Carrot's voice. Despite the guide's insistence that there were actually male ponies, stallions, he was the first one I'd met so far. I almost hadn't believed that Mrs. Cake's 'husband' actually fit the bill in the traditional sense.

"No problem. I understand work comes first," I replied, glancing around to make sure Pinkie didn't pop out on me. "Sorry to bother you about this, but I left my backpack here earlier when Lyra tried to pounce on me. Do you know where it is?"

"It's no trouble at all. The missus had me keep it right here for you in case you came back."

Carrot dipped his head behind the counter and soon pulled it back up with my pack's strap in his teeth. I let out a sigh of relief and took what was effectively my lifeline from him, offering a polite nod as thanks.

"Don't be a stranger!" Mr. Cake called after me as I left Sugarcube Corner. Unfortunately Pinkie was waiting for me with her typical nightmare fuel grin at the bottom of the steps. And...boned.

"There you are, Rainy! I've been looking all over for you!" Pinkie giggled and bounced up to me. I turned and shot Mr. Cake a pleading look. The baker clearly didn't get the message and instead chose to give me a big grin.

"In the words of a great military leader whose name I can't remember," I paused and took a deep breath. "I should go."

It only took Pinkie five seconds to catch up with me, this time choosing to just pop out of thin air right in the middle of the road.

"You're not going anywhere, Mister!" She growled, doing her best to look intimidating.

"Pinkie, you're a pink pony," I sighed.

"Since the last time I checked!" Pinkie confirmed, beginning to bounce in place.

"Pink is not an frightening color. In fact, it may be one of the least frightening colors. That growl was pretty weak as well."

Pinkie calmly put on a pair of sunglasses that looked suspiciously futuristic and made her face go utterly blank. When she spoke, a man's voice came out instead.

"I never asked for this."

My jaw dropped and for a long while I just stared at the impossible creature before me. Pinkie's composure lasted all of two seconds before she whipped off the sunglasses and broke into another huge giggling fit. Now's my chance. I took a long step away from her, then another. Pinkie didn't notice I was getting farther away, so I kept going. At last, I ducked into the alley and broke into a sprint. With any luck, Pinkie wouldn't find me until I returned to Ponyville tomorrow.

Once the residential and business districts of Ponyville were far behind me I paused and pulled out my map. Once I'd mentally retraced my steps and worked out just where I was, I began heading towards the 'Everfree Forest'. It sounded like a decent enough place to set up a camp for the eventual nightfall. I'd finally have some privacy there, which meant I could bathe and change my clothes without a pony potentially peeking. Their society didn't develop the nudity taboo that most of Earth's had, which had forced me to be very careful about where I was looking.

A long dirt path lead me to my destination, passing by a small cottage where a yellow pegasus pony with a flowing pink mane was tending to a small horde of animals. It reminded me of something out of an old children's movie, bringing a small smile to my face. There was no need to interrupt her work, so I moved on into the forest.

Why, oh why, did I go into the forest?