Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

by neorenamon

So Sir Big Macintosh and Dame Jifar travelled to the new dog village in their tricked out carriage pulled by the finest pair of white mules.  They were only bred from the finest white horses and white donkeys known to exist in Equestria, and were quite willing to brag about it to anypony that would listen from more than about a minute or so.  So the two of them told their driver Derpy Hooves all about it... three or four times along the way.  Yes, Derpy had been diverted from her duties as a mailmare just for this special occasion.

Unfortunately, Derpy thought she was driving the coach, so there was far too many thumps and bumps followed by a call of "Sorry.  I just don't know what went wrong" coming from the driver's bench.  Big Mac wasn't sure if she was apologizing to them, or perhaps some poor pony that just happened to get in their way.  He surely hoped that not many ponies were injured along the way, but the lack of screaming and cussing assured him most of the things Derpy was running over were inanimate.

It didn't really help any after the sun set and the moon rose, although it seemed that the mules had more control since Derpy, as well as many other ponies, just didn't see that well in the dark.  It seemed the mules could navigate the dark with their ears and noses alone.

"I can see the outskirts of the dog village," she called down the little voice tube into the main body of the carriage.

"Then slow us down there, sugar-cube," he called back, "We don't need ta hit no pony, dog or griffon around these here parts!"

The wagon slowed as he held Jifar against him.  She was still aglow as it were from the "stress test" they had put the royally-furnished bench seats through a couple of hours earlier.  He never got tired of mating with his sweetums.  But Spike... Agent S-D had made him promise not to do any more such tests until he was sure the mission was over.  Of course, he was a little vague about just when that might be.  It seemed he had a little latitude in that judgement.

He glanced out the window at the various dogs they passed.  They dressed as simple folk, both bitch and sire, as they were used to such things back when they lived in the Diamond Dog's mine.  In fact, it was a new thing that bitches were allowed any clothing at all.  But driving by first floor windows along the way told him that once they were indoors, most of them shed their clothing as quickly as possible, males present or no.  He wondered if that custom would even change, but then he figured as more pony customs became their own, that would surely take place over time.  They certainly didn't seem to care one wit about being seen by passersby either.

But as they rode closer to the center of the town where the highest ranking dogs and permanent pony residents lived, things changed.  Gas light torches began to line the sidewalks and street corners, making it lit passably in all places but the recesses of the alleys.  Packs of dog warriors appeared to be patrolling the well lit areas as well in their chain armor and sporting their long steel-headed boar-hunting spears.  The level of clothing grew more expensive and well as brighter for both the sires and the bitches.  Overall, it was much cleaner as well.  And if the females were shedding clothes indoors, they couldn't tell since all of the first floor windows were behind closed shutters and curtains.

Then what he feared happened.  There was a bump, and he heard Derpy say, "I'm sorry.  I don't know what went wrong."  He stepped out to see that they had bumped into the carriage in front of them.  They were at the end of a line of carriages waiting to disgorge their passengers at what he figured was the fancy shindig that Agent S-D told them all about.

"Next time," said one mule to the other, "You're going to decide when we should stop."

"Perhaps you should decide when we should stop," said the other.

"Oh no.  You should."

"Oh no.  You really should."

"Thank you very much, but I think you're the senior mule here.  You should."

"Senior by about 5 hours really.  It's best that you should."

"Perhaps we should compromise then."

"Very well.  We'll both decide.  Please and thank you."

"No please and thank you."

"Great," he muttered as he climbed back in, "I got the two politest asses in all of Equestria."  He looked at his smiling wife and said, "Small accident, sweetums.  We're almost to this here gala Agent S-D told us about.  There's about four carriages ahead of us."

"You should sit and be at ease," she said as she patted the seat next to her, "Try not to be so nervous, please?"

"Sorry sweetums," he said as he sat next to her, "I'm just a little nervous about this big ole job fer the Queen of Ponyville.  Ah wanna make a good impression on mah first assignment an all."

"I am sure that your wife can tell," she cooed, "that my shining knight shall do well."

"Ah'll do well knowing that ya believe in meh," he replied as he squeezed her hand.

The carriage stopped again as a moment passed, Derpy whispered something they couldn't quite hear, and then a dog sire announced, "ANNOUNCING SIR BIG MACINTOSH AND HIS WIFE, DAME JIFAR MACINTOSH!"

"This here is our moment to shine, sweetums."

He stepped out first, and then assisted her to step out of the door before turning and waving at the crowd lined up on both sides of the walkway.  The dogs were lined up on their right, being almost exclusively sires, and the ponies and griffons were lined up in two groups on the left side.

"Ah hope this ain't gonna be no dog and pony show," he said to her over all of the sounds of flash bulbs 'popping' around them from both sides.  It seems that the dogs were taking to photography like ducks to water as much as the griffons and ponies already were.  He glanced back over his shoulder as the mules pulled away the carriage even as Derpy was looking at them instead of the road ahead of her.

He walked along as he passed the ponies and then the griffons.  Hopefully he might notice his backup among them.  Just before they entered the club, he spotted two figures that didn't quite belong.  They were both wearing black hoodies like they were cold, or it might be raining, even though it was neither.  Still, they were hardly the only ones so dressed.  What caught his eye was the familiar beak he took for Gilda the Griffon, and the blue half-dog, half-pony muzzle he figured could only belong to the modified Rainbow Dash.  He subtly nodded in their direction as he waved, and the two of them replied in kind.  They had their hands inside their pockets as to not draw attention to Rainbow, or at least that's what he figured.

The doors opened and the light levels climbed even higher as they walked into the club, the doors held open by two very well dressed keythong (male griffon) butlers dressed to the nines.  They both bowed to him as he and Jifar walked by them.

"Good evening," said the best dressed waiter they had seen yet, "Please follow me to the private meeting in the back suite.  You are expected."

He took Jifar's arm as they followed him to the back, but then he stopped at the door and looked back.

"Are you sure you want to have her along?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"That's alright," he said, "She goes where I go."

"Well don't say you weren't warned," he said as he swept the door open before him.

"Now what all would I not want... Oh my..." he said as he walked in.

It wasn't the gold fixtures everywhere, the fact that everything on the tables was silver, or the fact they had way too many chandeliers lighting up the place.  On both side walls about as high as he was tall and the back wall, there was a stage.  On the stage to the right was about a dozen naked dancing bitches.  On the stage ahead of him was about a dozen naked dancing mares.  On the stage to his was about the same number of naked dancing griffoninesses.  Yet all of them were decked out with all manner of gold jewelry from necklaces to earrings to headpieces to chains about their waists, arms and legs.  While he wasn't all that sure about dog or griffon tastes, the mares were surely the biggest breasted, biggest flanked mares he had seen before (other than Jifar and Sombrarity, of course).  Each stage had a half a dozen poles across it each each dancer seemed to get their turn showing off their tricks on the pole.  That seemed to be where the most gold coin was getting tossed from the males watching them.  Between songs, the girls of various species swept up the gold coin and took it back stage before the next set of dancers appeared.  Since there weren't any squabbles, he figured all the tips were split up among the dancers back stage... minus the managing fees, of course.

"Good evening," said a large keythong from a nearby table, "Please come over and introduce yourselves."  He was about the gaudiest golden griffon that he had ever seen in his life, which admittedly wasn't all that many.  He had at least 5 pounds more in gold on him than anyone else around, griffon, dog or pony.  His beak was covered in gold, and he wore a golden gauntlet over his left talon that screamed wealth with all of it's small rubies covering it.  Silk and golden threads were clearly the materials that made up his over the top suit.

"The name's Macintosh," he said as he offered his hand, "Big Macintosh."

"Come come," he said as he pointed to the chair next to him, "Have a seat.  We're just having a little friendly game of cards before the official meeting.  Surely you have some spare gold to gamble with, don't you?"

He reached into his largest pocket and felt some coin that could only be heavy enough to be gold.

"Sure I does," he answered as he sat, "but where all is Jifar gonna sit?"

"I'm so sorry," he replied, "This table is only for the keythongs... I mean stallions.  I'm sure the... uh... little mare... can find something to do, right?"

"Do not let it bother you," said Jifar, "I shall find something to do."

"Yer the best, sweetums," he replied.

She smiled as she walked away, an exaggerated sway in her flanks.  Big Mac wasn't the only one at the table staring.

"A giraffe?" he asked, "How exotic.  I had no idea they were quite... that sexy."

"Oh yeah."

"Have you played Griffon Five Claw Poker, Mister Macintosh?"

"Oh, it all has been a few years," he lied as he started emptying his pocket of gold coin onto the table.  A nude griffoniness came buy with a tray, and she started exchanging his gold coin for multicolored poker chips.  The numbers were in griffon glyphs, but he guessed their value from their size and color.

"Very well.  I don't mind going over the cards with you before we resume the game," he said as he looked around, "Any objections?"

No one objected.