Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

by neorenamon

"Now what all do these here dohickeys do?" asked Big Macintosh as he looked himself over.  He was dressed to the nines in tux and tails with fine knee-high leather boots and some white silk gloves.  There was frills around the collar and sleeves that he thought made him look a little too dandy for his tastes, but Spike assured him the look was proper for an Equestrian Knight at a formal function.

"The bowtie," said Spike as he pointed at his neck, "controls the race shifter.  Twisting it half way around changes your apparent race.  You start as a stallions, shift to a keythong, and then to sire."

"Keythong?  Sire?"

"I've been told that's what you're supposed to call a male griffon and male showdog."

"Oh.  Just how... complete is this here change?"

"You will look, smell, fell and sound just like a member of another race," he replied, "As to the taste test, I have no idea."

"Uh-huh..."

"Oh, and you'll be able to understand and speak the languages of the race you appear as."

He nodded.

"But you might want to be careful about what you eat," he added, "You know that some of the things a griffon or dog might eat would well make a pony ill."

He nodded once more.

"Jifar had something similar in her choker, except she'll look like a griffoniness or bitch."

He nodded again as did Jifar.  Spike turned to her and said, "While you might sound like the real deal, your speech pattern might still give you away.  I suggest that you speak as little as possible, and considering how dogs treat their bitches, it would be taken as quite normal.  Griffons, on the other hand, are... another matter.  If Gilda is any indication, they can speak as much as they like."

She nodded.

He handed them two clear crystal glasses.  "You should keep these with you," he advised.

"What all are these for?"

"You hold it against a door or wall to listen to what's happening on the other side.  Don't worry, you have magical pockets that not only carry a lot more than they should, but will keep fragile things like crystal glasses from breaking."

They both nodded.

Then he held up a couple of weird looking plugs.  "Put one of these in your ear," he said, "and you can magically speak to each other, or one of the supervising agents, from great distances.  If you want to be quiet, put your finger on the end and your whispers will sound like normal speaking.  You just have to think about who you want to speak to, or just want to speak to everypony on the channel at once.  Unfortunately, we can't hear what's going on around you."

They each took a plug and delicately stuck it in one of their ears.

Spike turned to Big Macintosh and said, "Now should you get in deep trouble, squeeze your right cufflink until it pops.  You will then be instantly suited up in your finest suit of platemail complete with sword and shield.  Once you activate it, you can't turn it off until you get back to Agent P-C, Agent P-L or Agent P-T.  Just keep that in mind.  Of course, you can also remove the armor piece by piece, but that going to take time."

He nodded.

"Your bruiser battle dress is similar," he said turning to Jifar, "and activates by pressing the pearl in the front of your tiara.  There's no shield or weapon, but just have reinforced gauntlets and boots for your style of punching and kicking."

She nodded.

"Now that bracelet device on your right arm," he said to Big Mac, "shoots a line with a small grapple hook on it.  You can use it to pull yourself up to a ledge, anchor yourself to the ground, or hook onto an opponent's clothing and pull them over to you.  Turn your arm around so your wrist is bent back 90 degrees, aim with your forearm, and then press the palm of your hand hard with one or more fingertips."

He nodded.

"You have a compact with a mirror and something that looks like red blush," he said to her, "but I wouldn't use it for that.  The mirror reflects magic, and blowing across the powder will make a cloud of sleeping dust close to you.  Hold you breath to make sure it doesn't put you to sleep."

She nodded.

"So what all are we supposed to be doin?"

"Spy on the griffons and see what they're up to," replied Spike, "We don't think it's coincidence that they're going to the new dog village instead of some pony settlement.  They might even be plotting against the dogs, or worse, working with them."

"What all would workin with tha dogs git them?"

"We don't know.  That's one of the things we hope you'll find out for us."

"Is this here gonna be dangerous?" he asked as he looked at Jifar, "Ah still have some mental scars from the last time we were... guests of the dogs."

"I remember that too," agreed Spike, "but I'm sure that won't happen again... almost positively."

"Uh-huh..."

"Now the first evening you'll be in the dog village," continued Spike, "There will be a big regal shindig for the griffon VIPs.  That's where you'll slip in and meet with them.  Then later, you'll slip out and come back as the undercover griffons as independents like Gilda.  Infiltrate their group and convince them to tell you what they're planning about the dogs and Equestria."

"An what if one of them there dogs wants ta... do stuff with mah wifey?"

"Just claim she's your mate, your property," he replied, "and I'm sure you can intimidate any of their dogs into backing off.  Just make sure you don't get separated from each other unless you really really have to."

They both nodded.  He glanced over at Jifar in her dress and smiled.  It showed off her glorious breasts quite well, and it also showed off the great curves of her firm broad backside.  He walked over and grabbed her flank as he gave it a squeeze.

"Could you hold off on that until the mission is over?" grumbled Spike.

"Ah'll try, but ah can't promise nothin."

"But should there be a time that's right," she replied, "we may find ourselves mating all night."

"It's lucky that you two are supposed to be married as griffons and dogs," muttered Spike under his breath.

But Big Mac wasn't really listening.  He pulled down Jifar's head so he could kiss her fully on the lips.

"AHEM!" said Spike as he pretended to clear his throat.

A moment passed before he broke the kiss to ask, "Somethin more, Mister Spike?"

"Yes," he replied, "There's a few gadgets built into your carriage you should know about."

He nodded.

"First of all," he said, "There's a lever inside and on the driver's seat what will turn the carriage's armor plating on and off.  There another level on the driver's seat that will deploy a small ballista on the roof.  You have about 30 bolts for that weapon.  The blue bolts are armor piercing, and the red ones go 'boom'.  Then there's a magical engine that's controlled from the driver's seat that will allow you to run the carriage like a train from the driver's seat.  I should also tell you that it floats, and the magic engine works in water too.  Your mules have been trained to fight if they have to, and they won't be spooked by combat.  They were also bred for intelligence, so don't hesitate to ask them for advice.  Both of them have been fully appraised of the mission and what you might need to know."

He nodded again.

"Ya know, we should check out the seat ta make sure they all are comfy," he said as he winked at Jifar.

"Fine," moaned Spike, "but don't take too long... with your 'testing'."  He made air quotes as he said the last word.  Then he sighed as Big Mac and Jifar jumped into the carriage and closed the door behind them.