Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

by neorenamon

"Sorry for thah short notice, Agent S-D," whispered Big Macintosh over his shoulder to Spike, who likewise had his back to Big Mac. They were pretending not to have an unplanned conversation in the restaurant while there was others around.

"It's okay," he replied softly, "What'cha need?"

"Gold Talon is gonna gas the Diamond Dog's mine to steal alla their gold, but I have no idea where ta find tha gas afore he can use it," he replied.

"Who gave you that intel?"

"Ah can only say it's someone close to Gold Talon who's beneath his notice an all."

"Ah, one of his griffoniness slaves?"

He didn't comment or reply to that.

"Well the mines are really large," mused Spike, "The amount of gas he would need would be equally large. It must be in containers that no one would normally suspect as being dangerous..."

"Like barrels of beer or wine?"

"Well if the barrels were made air tight on the inside, I suppose that would work."

"I betcha he's got barrels of that stuff comin inta Equestria every day," he replied, "How am I gonna find the ones with the gas?"

"Well even Gold Talon's shipments require paperwork. It has to say where it's going. Putting a desination far away from the Diamond Dog's mine would look suspicious if the shipment was stopped on the road."

"Why would they..."

"Smugglers," said Spike, "The Crown is always looking on smugglers. They try to trade goods that the Crown taxes without having to pay those taxes properly... and once in a while, they catch someone trying to smuggle ponies out of the country to be turned into slaves on foreign markets... bad stuff that."

He nodded even though Spike couldn't see it.

"The problem is there's a lot of paperwork," continued Spike, "and even with the most help I can find, it could take weeks to track down one suspicious shipment."

"Time we ain't got."

"I can only suggest you get to the mine and hope you catch them before they can set up the gas."

"But sweetums..."

"Miss Bakabaka and I shall overlook Jifar's safety personally," he replied.

"But Miss Gilda..."

"Someone must have ambushed her while she was alone with Jifar," he answered, "I suspect that someone put a spell on her to make her act all crazy. It might even have expired by now."

"Well thank you," he said evenly, "Ah'll git to tha mines an see wha I can see there."

"I'll get you a good mule to ride. Just keep an eye open for really big wagons or a suspicious wagon train."

He nodded again.

"I'll have an agent meed you down at the stables in an hour," said Spike as he stood and started to leave.

"Ah owe ya one... for sweetums an me..."

He pretended not to hear as he paid his tab at the checkout and strolled out. Waiting for Spike to be outta sight, he also paid his tab and strolled out into the lobby.

...

Big Mac came to the stable an hour later to collect a mule for him to ride out to the mines.

"'Scuse meh son," he said to the Earth pony boy overlooking the mules, "Ya'll got an ass fer me tah ride?"

"No sir," he replied dryly, "The guests are only allowed to ride the mules."

"But an ass is a..." he muttered, "Oh nevermind. Has mah mule been set aside fer Sir Big Macintosh?"

He walked over to a pole with a clipboard and list on it. Looking it over and then looking at the page underneath, he said at last, "Yes Sir. Your mule is waiting and ready to go. Just follow me to stall #69."

Big Mac nodded as he followed.

"This will be your mule util you return him," he said as they came to stall #69.

"Hmm," he said as he looked up at the sign, "Don Key. How... creative..."

"Hey, the Don Key name as been passed down for generations," replied the mule without looking, "Don't you be dissen that. My father was Don Key, my grandfather was Don Key..."

"I think I got the drift, Donkey," he replied.

"Don Key," he snapped, "Don Key. That's TWO words."

"Thank you for clearing that up," replied the big red, "But I need to get to the Diamond Dog Mine pretty fast. I'm going to have to ride you pretty hard. Are ya up ta it?"

"I was born ready," he replied as he looked back over his shoulder, "Oh, you're a big one."

"So I've been told."

"Well open the stall so we can get going already," snapped Don Key.

"Ah'm ready to leave now," he replied as the stable colt opened the stall door.

"Do you have any idea how many hours they keep us in these stalls where we can't turn around. It's so hard to chew on my own ass in here."

"Ah can see how that would be a problem," he replied as the mule positioned himself for Big Mac to mount him.

A jenny poked her head over her stall door as they started walking by. "Remember that you promised to ride my ass tonight," she said with a wink.

"Meadow Muffin," he hissed softly, "We ain't supposed to talk like that in front of the customers..."

"Ah don't know," she replied, "I would mind him riding my ass either."

Big Mac spurred Don Key into a trot as they headed for the main doors.

...

"Wheh," said Don Key panting, "That was a heck of a ride!"

"We woulda got here sooner if'n ya ran around the pink dragon instead of away from them," replied Big Mac dryly.

"Look pal," he snapped back, "I'm no knight's mount! They don't pay me ta mess with dragons!"

"I ain't never fought no dragon afore neither," he replied, "but the dragon couldn't have got a clean flame burst at us as long as we kept the rocks and trees between us. Instead, ya just ran out inta the open an ah hadda save mah ass anyways."

"Yeah! Punching that dragon in the nose like that was AWESOME!"

"Ah just wanted it ta go away without hurtin it too bad," he replied.

"I dunno," replied the mule, "I think you gave that nose a bruise."

"Oh I'm sure it will survive."

"You just kick flank and take names, don'tcha?"

"When I must."

They came over a rise in the road and came across a huge wagon slowly plodding in the direction of the Diamond Dog's Mine.

"Wait. I think this is what I've been lookin fer."

"Whoa," said Don Key, "That there issa lotta guards for one wagon."

"Which is alot for just beer. Ah think I've found wha ah wanted ta see. Now to destroy it."

"WHAT?!"

"Just back up and get off the road," said Big Mac, "I don't think you should get involved in this."

"Fine by me," he said as he backed up, "Just because I'm sterile doesn't mean I got nothing to live for."