The Lunar Spartans

Juggernaut

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

‘If you’re living in a bubble and you haven’t got a care.’ Jackson belted out as he walked down the dirt trail in the forest, Dawson following but at a bit of a distance, trying his best to block out the wailing from his teammate. ‘Well you’re gonna be in trouble cause we’re gonna steal your air. Cause what you’ve got is what we need and all we do is dirty deeds. We’re the Spaceballs! Watch out, cause we’re the Spaceballs!

‘Goin’ cruising in a spaceship, we’re so good at being bad.’ He continued, sliding from one side of the trail to the other. ‘We’ll destroy your little planet if you ever get us mad.’

‘Or blow your eardrums out.’ Dawson muttered under his breath.

‘We’re mothers of the galaxy, you better scatter when you see the Spaceballs! Watch out! We’re the Spaceballs!’

‘I’m happy with Squealing Wombat.’ Dawson said as Jackson changed to humming his song. ‘And what exactly is a Spaceball, anyway? Some giant testicle that orbits a sun?’

‘Nah, that’d be roasted.’ Jackson said. ‘Spaceballs are, well, I’ve actually got no idea. I just heard the song and liked it so my memory being what it is, latched onto the tune and wouldn’t let go.’

‘What did you lose in exchange?’ Dawson asked.

‘Umm.’ Jackson said, thinking hard. ‘Dunno. I can’t remember.’

‘Tell me you remembered where we’re supposed to deliver this thing.’ Dawson said, producing Luna’s grey power skull thing she’d sent them to retrieve. ‘Because we did not go through agricultural hentai and Hellfire for you to wind up forgetting the drop off point.’

‘Hellfire?’ Jackson said, confused. ‘What hellfire? Last thing I remember was going into a stone temple of doom filled with Sunnies. Next thing I know, we’re miles away from anything and you had that in your hand. And I felt really tired for some reason. When did we return to hell?’

Dawson just waved it away. ‘Never mind. Just tell me you remember where the base is.’

‘Sure, I had it written down here somewhere.’ Jackson said as he patted his pockets, searching for a rolled up piece of paper he’d stashed away somewhere. Several seconds of frantic searching later, he produced a crumpled tissue that he opened, revealing two words: Isla Cat.

‘Cat Island.’ Dawson said flatly. ‘Our drop off point is Cat Island?’

‘Huh?’ Jackson said, looking up. He looked at the tissue then threw it away. ‘No, that’s a name I’ve got to add to the barred for life list. Apparently showing up with a laser pointer during Luna’s visit is not acceptable behaviour. They still haven’t gotten all the kitty kibble out of her chariot yet and the reconstruction is still going on.’

‘Is that why I had to drive all the way out to that field in the middle of the night to pick you up?’ Dawson asked.

‘No, that was because of two bottles of Tranquillity Moonshine, a hen party, and a sponge.’

‘That explains why you were covered in feathers.’ Dawson said. They walked on for a short while. ‘Wait, how did a sponge fit into all that?’

Jackson shrugged. ‘No idea. All I can remember about that is how loudly he screamed when I lit him on fire.’ He paused. ‘And that Trottingham now has a five mile restraining order on me.’

‘How can a city have a restraining order against you?’

Jackson shrugged again. ‘Search me. Last thing I remember about that Hens United party was seeing some Sunnies waving a flaming torch around. It gets kind of blank after that.’

Dawson shook his head. ‘Yeah. It’s a mystery. But moving away from your past drunken escapades and into your current soberish ones, where is our rendezvous point?’

‘Oh, right. That drop off point.’ Jackson pointed back the way they’d come. ‘We passed it about fifteen miles ago.’

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

A mildly pissed off Dawson and a mildly concussed Jackson finally wandered into one of the New Lunar Republic’s many operating bases set up along the invisible line that divided Celestia’s land and Luna’s, heading for the command tent.

The pony in charge, a mare with an eye patch and a scarred face, hobbled over to the two.

‘You guys took your damn time.’ She said as Jackson and Dawson dumped themselves at the map table, propping their boots on the surface. ‘What happened?’

‘Well, first we got lost in a blizzard.’ Jackson began. ‘Then we got attacked by some branches that wanted to germinate us. Then we found the rock. Then I blanked out and something involving hellfire happened if Dawson here is to be believed. Then we wandered aimlessly through the Everfree Forest for several hours. Someone took a wrong turn.’

‘And someone got hit upside the head.’ Dawson said. ‘Repeatedly.’

‘But we finally managed to find this place.’ Jackson said. ‘Which is where, exactly?’

‘About twenty miles from a Sunnie outpost.’ The mare, Butter Soft, said. ‘We’ve got Shadowbolts watching them.’

‘Supply situation?’ Jackson asked.

‘Plentiful.’ Butter Soft said. ‘We got enough swords, bows, arrows, crossbows, bolts, food, cannons, cannonballs, water to last us several months of operations. We even have some kind of giant metal machine thingy and a crate addressed to you, Spartan Dawson. Came with the machine.’

‘What machine?’ both Spartans said, craning their necks around to spot the robot.

‘It’s that one.’ Butter Soft said, pointing a hoof over their shoulders. ‘You walked right past it.’

The Spartans turned around and saw a pair of giant mechanical legs standing by the entrance.

Jackson turned to Dawson.

‘How the hell did we miss that thing?’ he asked.

Dawson shrugged. ‘Shark week?’

‘Works for me.’ Jackson said.

They turned back to Butter Soft.

‘Does Luna have anything for us to do or are we staying on station?’ Dawson asked.

‘No.’ She said. ‘Luna simply told me to hold the line as best I can.’

‘Alright.’ Jackson said. ‘What’s in his box?’

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

The lid came off easily enough and landed with a solid whump on the ground next to the crate, revealing rows upon rows of exquisite, ornate, polished and immaculate photo frames. Dawson’s entire collection of valuable frames, shipped all the way from Canterlot.

‘Why did they send this stuff here?’ Dawson asked after checking the crate’s contents for damage. ‘I specifically told Derpy they needed to be deposited in a high security vault that needs to be kept at a specific temperature and humidity.’

‘She probably just mucked it up.’ Jackson said as Butter Soft peered into the box.

‘Why do you collect photo frames?’ she asked.

‘I like them.’ He said. ‘They can make for great wedding gifts if you get the right design.’ He picked one out, gingerly handling it. ‘See the intricate wooden bas relief around the edge of this frame, how the carpenter worked in bouquets of flowers along with mares reaching out for them, symbolising the hopefulness that marriage brings?’

‘All I see is firewood.’ Butter Soft said.

‘I see crap.’ Jackson said.

‘Whatever they are, get them moved from my courtyard.’ Butter Soft said. ‘You two have that tent over there. Try not to make too much of a mess.’

‘Don’t worry.’ Jackson said as Dawson replaced the crate’s lid. ‘I only got reckless if booze is involved.’

‘I see.’ Butter Soft said then, in an aside to a nearby soldier, added, ‘Put a double guard on the supply tent. Princess Luna has told me... stories about those two. Do not let the one called Jackson near anything alcoholic.’

‘Yes, ma’am.’ The soldier replied. ‘And what about the other one?’

‘Him? If he starts getting restless, just give him some porn to read. It usually calms him down.’

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

With what little equipment they had stowed away in their tent, Dawson and Jackson went to examine the giant robot Luna had sent to the base.

‘Why do you think she sent it?’ Jackson asked, craning his neck to look at the robot’s head, a small armoured box that contained all the various sensors to allow its pilot to see everything.

‘Dunno.’ Dawson said.

‘Where do you think she got it?’

‘Dunno.’ Dawson said again. ‘Shark week?’

‘Works for me.’

The robot, well over forty feet high, boasted all manner of armaments. On its shoulders were multiple launch rocket systems, each pod containing thirty high explosive missiles that could be guided onto their target, set to heat seeking, or just fired without doing either of those, while twin rotary cannons that fired thirty-millimetre rounds from a mixture of incendiary, sabot and high explosive at a rate of six hundred rounds a minute were affixed to its forearms.

If, or rather when, the main armaments ran out the robot could then rely on two ten-foot long sword that extends from below its wrists, capable of slicing through wood, tender gooey flesh, and metal with ease. And if these broke or were otherwise unavailable, then whoever was piloting the robot could always fall back on its final weapon: its fists.

‘What shall we call?’ Jackson asked.

Dawson thought long and hard. ‘Fluffy.’

‘Fluffy?’ Jackson said.

‘Fluffy.’ Dawson said. ‘That way, the enemy will be caught totally unawares when you say ‘Come on, Fluffy. Kill the nasty soldiers and their might be a treat in it for you’ as they’ll be pissing themselves with laughter.’

‘What makes you think I’ll be the one who says that?’ Jackson asked.

‘Because shotgun.’ Dawson said.

‘Shotgun!’ Jackson said a second later. ‘Fuck!’

From behind his visor, Dawson just smiled.

‘No fair.’ Jackson said, pointing a finger at his teammate. ‘You caught me unawares.’

‘Case in point for why it should be called Fluffy.’ Dawson replied. ‘Fluffy puts people at ease so they won’t be expecting a GIANT ROBOT ATTACK!’

‘Fine.’ Jackson said. ‘It can be called Fluffy. But you can’t call shotgun on a giant robot. That only applies to seating in cars.’

‘Okay.’ Dawson said. ‘Dibs.’

‘What?’

‘Dibs. I just called dibs.’ Dawson said. ‘This is my robot now. Dibs.’

‘No it isn’t, jackass.’ Jackson said. ‘I’m the team leader so it’s mine.’

‘Yeah, but you didn’t call dibs.’ Dawson said. ‘I did.’ He paused for a moment. ‘Dibs. See?’

‘You can’t call dibs on a giant robot.’ Jackson said, pointing at Fluffy. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

‘Yes I can. Dibs. See? I just did it again.’ Dawson said, folding his arms across his chest. ‘Now, get the fuck away from Fluffy, Spaceball.’

‘Don’t call me a Spaceball.’ Jackson said. ‘We don’t even know what it means. As for the robot, just try and take it from me.’

‘Um, okay. Fluffy?’ Dawson said to the inert machine. It did nothing. ‘Fuck, I forgot someone needs to be inside for it to do things.’

Jackson shook his head. ‘Well, while you’re trying to make your robot Fluffy do things, I’m going to take a flamethrower to that collection of arts and craft you love so much.’

‘For the thousandth time, they’re not arts and crafts.’ Dawson said. ‘They’re called photo frames, and they have exquisite detailing.’

‘Call them whatever you want.’ Jackson said. ‘They burn the same.’ He turned around and began slowly walking back to their tent.

‘You’ll be singing a different tune when Fluffy squashes your Spaceball ass!’ Dawson yelled.

‘Try it.’ Jackson yelled back. ‘I’ve faced bigger.’

‘Does this mean I get to keep him?’

‘For now, Dawson. For now.’

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

Dawson managed to save his frames from Jackson, tackling the Spartan to the ground just as he was opening the lid. It almost erupted into a brawl when Butter Soft broke it up, giving Dawson the entire camp’s supply of Playpony and Jackson a karaoke game that could be uploaded onto his armour.

Both Spartans instantly stopped fighting and started using their new items, sitting at opposite ends of their tent while the rest of the camp breathed a collective sigh of relief.

The peace lasted all of three hours when a massive stomp shook the ground, causing some of the lighter objects to jump up in the air.

Dawson, who was three-quarters through the stack of porn, looked up.

Jackson, who was rocking out to a song only he could hear, didn’t, playing an imaginary set of drums.

When no follow up stomp came, Dawson went back to reading.

The moment a second, more volatile stomp happened, he put the magazine down and went and had a look outside.

Several ponies throughout camp had stopped what they were doing, nervously glancing in all directions to try and figure out where the noise had come from.

Once a third ground shaking stomp occurred, Dawson ducked back into the tent and shook Jackson’s shoulder.

‘Yeah?’ Jackson said.

‘Trouble.’ Dawson said. ‘We got something big coming our way.’

‘Cool.’ Jackson said, ejecting the karaoke game. ‘Let’s go find it.’

The Spartans grabbed their assault rifles then ran into the forest.

After several minutes of running, during which the frequency of the shaking stomps became higher, they eventually found a hill from where they could observe the incoming trouble.

‘Dawson?’ Jackson said when they saw what causing the shaking.

‘Yes, Jackson?’ Dawson said.

‘Am I looking at what I think I’m looking at?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you know where it could have come from?’

‘No.’

‘Should I be terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought right now?’

‘Maybe.’

Jackson hummed in thought. ‘So what kind of dinosaur is it?’

‘A Juggernautasarus.’ Dawson said.

‘Which means?’ Jackson asked.

‘We’re fucked.’ Dawson said. ‘Especially royally fucked because Celestia has managed to tame one.’

‘I see.’

The Juggernautasarus, easily forty feet tall and sixty long, unleashed a bellowing cry that rattled the teeth in both Spartan’s heads as it stomped closer to the NLR base. Its mouth had hundreds upon hundreds of sharp jagged teeth while several jagged horn things ran along its back. A crest in the vague shape of Celestia’s crown sat atop its head, looking to be made of dense bone, and two spindly arms were perched on the dinosaur’s chest. Covering its hide was the golden armour of the Solar Empire, only adapted for something that weighed well over fifty tons.

‘Back to camp with a girlish scream on three?’ Dawson proposed.

‘Screw three.’ Jackson said. ‘I’m going now.’ He got up from their observation point and sprinted back to base.

Dawson did the same.

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

They managed to get back to base within a minute and Dawson went straight to Fluffy, climbing into the cockpit mounted into the robot’s chest. It closed around him and the machinery came to life.

‘Do you even know how to work that thing?’ Jackson asked on the COM.

‘Uh...’ Dawson said, looking over the controls. There were two pedals by his feet and two joysticks at the end of his chair’s armrests which had several buttons, each unlabeled, and three monitors surrounded him. The two either side showed the basic functions of the robot, including the internal heat levels, power levels, hydraulics, and ammo situation, while the middle screen was a direct feed from the sensors mounted on top of Fluffy.

It tagged all the NLR soldiers as they readied the defences, identifying them as friendlies, while tagging Jackson as he stood before Fluffy as a possible target.

Dawson gently grasped the joysticks and placed his feet on the pedals, moving them gently. Fluffy responded, copying his movements.

‘Maybe?’ he said.

‘Well figure out how and quick.’ Jackson said. ‘That dino dude is gonna be here soon.’

‘You got it, commander.’ Dawson said. He let go of the joysticks and considered some of the buttons below the screens. ‘Okay, let’s see what this one does.’

He pressed an innocuous looking button.

‘Firing all missiles, unguided mode.’ A computerised voice said while the words appeared in front of Dawson on the main screen.

‘What?’ He yelled. ‘No, no, no, no!’ He began frantically pressing the other buttons trying to cancel the fire order. ‘Missiles unfire! Unfire! Please help me, nice Fluffy robot!’

Fluffy didn’t and soon, sixty high explosive missiles zoomed out of their launchers and flew off into the distance. Dawson watched them go on the screen, wincing when they landed harmlessly in the forest and detonated.

He knew without looking that Jackson was glaring up at him.

‘Sorry, boss.’ Dawson said. ‘Accident. It won’t happen again.’

‘It had better not.’ Jackson replied.

Dawson looked around the cockpit again. Nothing had a label. Without an instruction manual, he didn’t know what anything did. He tried another button, tensing in case it activated some kind of self-destruct sequence.

‘Detaching rotary cannons.’ Fluffy announced.

Several sharp bangs sounded and both arm mounted cannons fell off, landing on the floor with a solid thump.

‘Oh, bollocks.’ Dawson muttered.

‘Oh, bollocks indeed, Dawson.’ Jackson said. ‘You just removed your only remaining ranged weapons.’

‘Yeah, but I’ve still got the swords.’ Dawson said. ‘I doubt I can drop them.’

‘Detaching swords.’ Fluffy said as the last weapon on the robot were released.

The contempt coming from Jackson was overwhelming, even inside the armoured shell of Fluffy.

‘I’ve still got Fluffy’s fists.’ Dawson began to say. ‘How can-‘

‘Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Spartan.’ Jackson growled. ‘Because knowing you, they will join the swords, the rotary cannons and the missiles. And when that happens, I will burn your frames.’

‘This isn’t as easy as it looks, okay?’ Dawson shot back. ‘This thing doesn’t even come with an instruction booklet or a tutorial program.’

‘Tutorial program activated.’ Fluffy said. ‘This program is intended to teach non-certified personnel in the use of this Murphy-class urban pacification robot. Let’s start by going over the cockpit controls.’

Silence came from the radio as Fluffy began going through what all the little buttons and switches did, including the ones that launched the missiles and which ones could drop any damaged or spent weapons.

‘There are no words.’ Jackson said. ‘None whatsoever that can describe how much I despise you right now.’

‘Sorry, boss.’

Jackson didn’t follow up, simply shaking his head as he headed to help shore up the base’s defence.

Dawson groaned as Fluffy continued teaching him what everything did, coaching him through how to arm specific missiles, designate their targeting system, and how to launch everything simultaneously. Then it went onto the cannons. Then the swords.

‘If you cannot reach or find the control you need, voice commands can be used in lieu.’ Fluffy said. ‘For example, saying arm all missiles will prime every remaining missile for launch and saying fire will launch them. To set their targeting system, please state before saying fire.’

Dawson sagged down in his seat.

‘Now that we’ve covered what all the controls do, it’s time to learn how to move the Murphy-class robot.’ Fluffy continued. ‘The pedals by your feet control this machine’s legs while the joysticks by your hands contain quick-use controls for the weapons and move the arms. But be careful. The feedback will be, to begin with, slow to respond. You can change this at any time by simply saying ‘change feedback’ and adjusting it to your liking. Until then, we recommend you get at least fifty hours of training before using the Murphy-class robot in actual combat.’

‘Well, I’ve got about fifty seconds before I’m going to be going toe to claw with a Juggernautasarus so could we hurry this along a bit?’ Dawson said as a bellowing roar echoed across the base, followed a scant second later by a massive shake of the earth.

‘I’m sorry.’ Fluffy said. ‘But due to the complex nature of this machine, the training program cannot be sped up or skipped. Now, using the right joystick, please raise the right arm to a horizontal position.’

Dawson swore under his breath but did as asked.

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

Trees began quivering and in some cases, fall over as the Solar Empire dinosaur closed in on the New Lunar Republic base and its robot guardian who had only just learned how to throw a punch.

‘Now that you’ve mastered using the arms, it’s time to move onto walking.’ Fluffy said as the Juggernautasarus emerged at the edge of the clearing surrounding the NLR base, letting loose a foul smelling roar that coated the closest soldiers in spittle. ‘To begin, gently move your feet as though you were walking normally.’

The Juggernautasarus took a ground pounding step closer to the base as Dawson made Fluffy take one closer to the dinosaur but with much less earth shaking.

‘You any closer to mastering Fluffy yet?’ Jackson asked. ‘Because Cuddles over there looks about ready to play.’

‘Cuddles?’ Dawson said.

‘Hey, you named your robot Fluffy.’ Jackson said. ‘Why can’t I name that big mean mother something child like as well?’

‘Fair enough.’

Cuddles took another step, cocking its head one way then the other at the sight of Fluffy.

‘Oh, shit.’ Dawson said when Cuddles roared at him and began charging. ‘End tutorial! End tutorial!’

‘I’m sorry.’ Fluffy said. ‘But due to the complex nature of this machine, the training program cannot be sped up or skipped.’

Dawson, who couldn’t move Fluffy unless it was part of the tutorial currently playing, braced as best he could before Cuddles rammed into him with a powerful head butt that sent the robot flying backwards.

It landed with a bone jarring thud.

Fluffy’s screen flickered briefly then resolved, showing Cuddles coming in for another attack.

‘End tutorial, dammit!’ Dawson shouted as Cuddles began stomping on Fluffy’s chest with one massive foot. ‘I know how to work a Murphy-class robot.’

‘Please provide proof of this training.’ Fluffy said. ‘If you are unable to do so, please have your superior give the order to deactivate this tutorial. Otherwise, it will continue.’

‘Commander, say I know how to pilot Fluffy!’ Dawson yelled as Cuddles stomped on him again. ‘Tell it to stop with the tutorial.’

‘Now hold on, Dawson.’ Jackson said as Cuddles continued to try and crush Fluffy. ‘This could give us a clue about how a Juggernautasarus fights. Now stay there. For science.’

‘I’m being crushed and you want to know how a moronic dinosaur fights?’

‘Yup.’

‘Holy balls, you are the worst commanding officer in history.’

‘Yup.’

Jackson let the beating go on for a few more seconds, each stomp of Cuddles’ foot denting Fluffy’s armour, before giving the override to shut the tutorial down.

‘Tutorial deactivated.’ Fluffy said. ‘Deactivating safeties. Weapons online.’

‘Oh, the tide she is a turning.’ Dawson said as he grabbed Cuddles’ foot then used it push the dinosaur off, sending it flying into some nearby tents. He got Fluffy to its feet, arms in a combat position, and stared the flailing Juggernautasarus down. ‘Okay, you big dumb lizard. Time to turn you into a fossil.’

‘Did you really just say that?’

‘Uh, um.’ Dawson said. ‘Shut up. I’m fighting a dinosaur.’

Jackson said nothing back but began playing some fast paced heavy rock song over the radio as Cuddles got up.

‘Why are you playing that?’

‘It felt appropriate.’

Dawson rolled his eyes, preparing to meet the dinosaur.

It roared at him, pawing at the ground.

‘Hit me.’ Dawson said. ‘I dare you.’

Cuddles complied, charging the robot with another roar. Fluffy met the rampaging dinosaur, both hands either side of its head but the power behind the charge pushed it back several metres, right up to Dawson and Jackson’s tent.

‘Not my frames.’ Dawson said. ‘Not my frames!’

He used one hand to hold Cuddles in place while the other drew pack into a fist, launching forward to deliver an uppercut that snapped Cuddles’ jaw shut and sent a few of his many hundreds of teeth flying in all directions.

If this deterred the massive dino, it didn’t seem to show as Cuddles recovered and tried to head butt Fluffy again.

‘Try shooting it.’ Dawson suggested as the impact sent shudders through his body. ‘Find a weak spot.’

‘That’s what I’ve been trying.’ Jackson said, sounding mildly annoyed. ‘Armour’s too thick. I think I’m just pissing it off.’

‘Keep trying. There has to be somewhere.’

‘No shit.’

Dawson brought Fluffy’s arm back, ready to launch another punch, but Cuddles, seeing what the robot was doing, used its massively long tail to knock Fluffy sideways into a trebuchet.

‘Dawson, I’ve just been told something by Butter Soft.’ Jackson said. ‘You are, and I quote, to keep that damn metal machine from crushing any more artillery pieces. Kill the dinosaur as quickly as you can but don’t destroy my war machines.’

‘Tell if she can pilot this clumsy son of a bitch, she’s welcome to take over.’ Dawson muttered as he used one arm to block a bite from Cuddles, its many teeth scratching and slightly denting Fluffy’s arm armour. ‘Until then, she can keep her damn mouth shut.’

‘Sure.’ Jackson said. ‘General Butter Soft, Spartan Dawson says to shut the fuck up.’

‘What?! No I didn’t.’ Dawson said as he prised Cuddles’ mouth from his arm and delivered a solid punch to the dino’s nose. ‘I said keep her damn mouth shut. I never said fuck. Fuck, I just said it.’

‘He also wants me to tell you that he thinks your plot is saggy.’

‘I’m gonna kill you, commander!’ Dawson shouted as Cuddles slammed its tail into him again. A red warning light popped up on the right hand monitor, saying that the armour had been dented quite badly, and that any further impacts would pose a threat to the hydraulic line located behind it.

‘You can try.’ Jackson replied coolly as the Sunnie dino went flying backwards, launched by Fluffy.

Cuddles landed in the clearing but was up within seconds, looking no worse for wear, whereas Fluffy was covered in dents and scratches. It bellowed at the robot then charged, crested head slamming into Fluffy’s armoured midsection and flinging it backwards.

Fluffy bounced once then skidded, smashing into a tent, before coming to a halt in a cloud of dust. It slowly got to its feet then froze when Dawson saw which tent he’d gone through.

‘No.’ He whispered, hand hovering just above the debris that had been  his and Jackson’s tent. ‘My porn.’ He gasped with sudden realisation. ‘MY FRAMES!’

The dinosaur cocked its head in confusion at Dawson’s sudden and anguished scream then its eyes shrank when it become the one to be on the receiving end of a bellowing war cry that preceded a charging attack.

‘YOU SCALY SON OF A BITCH!’ Dawson screamed as he slammed Cuddles onto its back, causing some of the Juggernautasarus’ armour to fly off. ‘THAT WAS MY RETIREMENT FUND!’

Cuddles, somewhat shaken by the loud noises coming from Fluffy and the impact of being slammed into the unforgiving ground, regained what few wits that occupied its simplistic reptilian mind and used its hind legs to throw Fluffy off.

Fluffy landed with a loud bang but was up and charging for the dino within moments, still loudly berating Cuddles as it threw punch after punch, head butt after head butt, until the dinosaur started showing its own signs of battle.

Half its teeth were missing, one eye was swollen shut, it had lost one spindly arm and three of the horn things on its back were missing, each used as an impromptu weapon by Dawson to pummel Cuddles. But still, it squared off to Fluffy.

Around them, the NLR camp had been reduced to tatters. Not a thing was intact.

‘Alright you walking Gucci handbag.’ Dawson started to say. ‘You come here, shaking everyone up and spilling their drinks.’

‘Yeah!’ Jackson added.

‘You break all my precious frames.’

‘Yeah!’

‘And, you interrupted my quality porn time.’

‘Yeah! Wait, what?’

‘You wanna cuddle? I’ll give you a cuddle.’ Dawson snarled, grabbing a nearby arm from a smashed trebuchet, brandishing it like a club. ‘Come on. Show me what you got.’

He ran at Cuddles, weapon held low, and the Juggernautasarus responded in kind, roaring.

They met with a loud crash and began struggling. Dawson would smash the dino with his weapon while Cuddles would whack the robot with its tail, neither side getting any kind of advantage, but when Dawson’s wooden club smashed into thousands of pieces he discarded it and instead prised Cuddles’ mouth open, wrenching the jaw wide open.

When it was big enough, he shoved one arm down and began groping for something.

‘This is one I like to call the Heart Stopper.’

Cuddles began thrashing, choking on Fluffy’s arm, as Dawson kept shoving his arm further and further in until Cuddles’ jaw reached his shoulder and further progress was impossible.

They remained locked in this position for several more seconds then, without warning, Cuddles suddenly went rigid then limp, sliding off Fluffy’s arm to the ground.

When the robot’s hand was free, everyone could see it held the still beating heart of the Juggernautasarus before it too fell still, dripping blood onto the ground.

‘Oh, yeah.’ Dawson said as he held Cuddles’ heart aloft. ‘That’s it, man. Game over, man. Game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do? I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna kill us another fucking Juggernautasarus! That’s what.’

‘I would say we repair the damage you caused during your little bout with Cuddles.’ Butter Soft shouted at Dawson. ‘But there’s nothing left to fix. Just kindling and tattered strips of canvas, so maybe we could build a fire, sing a couple of songs, huh? Why don’t we try that?’

‘Uh...’ Dawson said, looking out at the destruction he’d wrought.

‘On second thought, how about we just go back to NLR HQ because our grip on this area has fallen thanks to you!’ Butter Soft yelled. ‘Or don’t you agree with my saggy plot?’

‘I don’t think your plot is saggy, general.’ A pony said.

‘Shut it, Brown Nose.’ She shot back before glaring at Dawson. ‘I’ll be sure to tell the princess exactly what happened.’

‘It won’t come as any surprise.’ Jackson called after Butter Soft as she led the remaining troops away from the desolated base before saying to Dawson, ‘Maybe chicks don’t dig giant robots after all.’

Dawson just groaned as Fluffy’s power plant gave out and the cockpit was plunged into darkness.

There was a slight creaking noise which got progressively louder until Fluffy toppled backwards, landing on the remains of Dawson and Jackson’s tent. Cuddles’ heart rolled from the robot’s hand, leaving a trail of blood behind.

‘Ow.’