The Lunar Spartans

What happens when you, the viewer, writes in to tell us who they want to see beaten to a bloody and lifeless pulp?

We make it happen, that’s what.

Only on Equestrian Deathmatch.

Fandemonium!

The Equestrian Deathmatch Arena

Up in the commenter’s box, a stallion and a Diamond Dog, both wearing suits with their hair expertly styled, leaned forward and looked into the camera that focused in on them as the opening music faded away.

The stallion spoke first.

‘Good evening, mares and gentlecolts. I’m Johnny Hayseed Gomez.’ he said.

‘And I’m Nick Diamond Dog.’ his counterpart said, looking out of place with his mangy fur sticking out of a well made suit.

‘Tonight is that time honoured tradition here on Equestrian Deathmatch where you, our loyal cider swilling blood hungry fans, choose the fights.’ Johnny said.

‘And boy, have you guys gone all out on this one.’ Nick added. ‘We’ve been swamped by letters in their hundreds asking for one thing and one thing only.

‘Robots fighting ponies!’

Johnny laughed. ‘That’s right, Nick. We received no other suggestions so we’re dedicating this whole night to just that. Right here on Fandemonium!’

All eyes in the arena swivelled to any one of the many screens set up around and above the Deathmatch ring, ready to show tonight’s combatants.

‘For tonight’s fight, we decided to double the action by having a tag team battle.’ Johnny said as the first two fighters were shown. ‘Many of our loyal fighters will remember these two from their last fight in the Deathmatch Arena when they took on Gilda the Griffin in a match to get back at her. Hailing all the way from Ponyville, please welcome back Pinkamena Diane ‘Pinkie’ Pie and her partner, Fluttershy!’

The screen showed the two ponies. Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down on the spot while Fluttershy hid behind her soft pink mane.

‘Now, since their last appearance on the show Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy joined the Solar Empire Army and boy, have they gotten crazy.’ Nick said.

‘That’s right, Nick.’ Johnny said as lists sprang up next to both ponies. ‘Pinkie Pie put her baking experience to good use cooking up all manner of explosives, and then used her Z&R Mark IV Party Cannon to send them, confetti and the occasional custard pie hurling down range into the New Lunar Republic. Word has it that she uses a special kind of cupcake recipe for really special targets.’

‘I’ll bet, Johnny.’ Nick said. ‘Ponies across Equestria have come to fear Pinkamena and her party cannon. But they’ve also come to fear her partner Fluttershy.

‘While Pinkie Pie was signing up for a demolitions job in the Solar Empire, Fluttershy here signed up to be a sniper with the prestigious Harmony Battalion. She uses a Type-3 Yay Anti-Material Rifle. Ponies call her the Angel of Death, I call her not bad to look at.’ Nick to turned to Johnny. ‘You think it’s true what they say, Johnny?’

‘Is what true, Nick?’ Johnny asked.

‘That once you go Diamond Dog...’ He trailed off, laughing.

‘No, Nick. I don’t.’ Johnny said.

Nick gave him a sheepish smile before looking down, ashamed. ‘Neither do I.’

‘Anyway.’ Johnny said. ‘Now that we’ve gotten our pony fighters, it’s time to meet the robots you, the fans, requested.’

‘We here at Deathmatch pride ourselves on meeting the demands of our fans, no matter what.’ Nick said. ‘And boy, have we gone all out.’

‘It took several weeks of scouring Equestria to find two robots that could fight Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy and just when we had given up all hope, Equestrian Deathmatch received a mysterious tip off about two combat ready killing machines lurking somewhere in the Everfree Forest.’  Johnny said.

‘You know, Johnny, that tip we received was written on the same parchment and had the same writing as all the letters asking for ponies versus robots.’ Nick said, glancing at his co-host. ‘Maybe the pony who tipped us off was the one who wrote them all.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous, Nick.’ Johnny said. ‘Why would anypony go through all that trouble just to get two robots into the Deathmatch ring?’

‘To make up one hell of a fight.’ Nick said to the camera. ‘I mean, really. Ponies fighting robots? Can it get any better?’

‘I don’t know, Nick.’ Johnny said. ‘But what I do know is that that mysterious tip paid off and we actually managed to find two robots to fight.’

‘Our crack team of Equestrian Deathmatch managed to get a video of their capture.’ Nick said. ‘Unfortunately, the camera was damaged during the capture and only the sound survived.’

‘Let’s listen.’ Johnny said.

‘As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain, I take a look at my wife and realise she’s very plain. But that’s just perfect for an Amish like. You know I shun fancy things like electricity.’

‘Too bad you shunned singing lessons, commander. I think you’re actually getting worse.’

‘Better, you mean. You need to go see an ear doctor.’

‘An Otolaryngologist?’

‘The fuck is one of them?’

‘An ear doctor.’

‘Well say so.’

‘I did. You need a dictionary.’

‘A what?’

‘A book with many words in it that tell you what the words mean.’

‘Oh, a crossword solver.’

‘Holy balls.’

The sounds of rustling leaves echoed across the arena as the thousands of spectators listened in.

‘Targets in sight. Team Two, move to the left flank, wait for the signal to engage.’

‘At four thirty in the morning I’m milking cows. Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob ploughs... fool, and I’ve been milking and ploughing so long that even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone.’

‘Everyone knows you’ve lost your mind.’

‘So my plan is working perfectly.’

‘All teams, MOVE!’

Mass movement filtered from the speakers as dozens of ponies erupted from unseen cover and sprang their trap, rushing the two robots as they walked or did whatever it was they were doing.

‘Bravo, flank and suppress! Get those nets over them. Alpha, taser them.’

‘Contact! Contact! Hardest contact!’

‘Shut up and fire. Cut these Sunnies down like the sun loving ponies they are.’

‘Smooth.’

‘Shut up, Dawson.’

‘Sir, tasers ineffective. Plan B?’

‘Plan B.’

‘The fuck is Plan B?’

‘Plan ‘Bash you over the head!’. That Plan B.’

A solid sounding thump came from the speakers, followed by a second.

‘Targets down.’

‘Wow.’ Johnny said as the recording finished. ‘That would have been one hell of a thing to see. Right, Nick?’

‘Right, Johnny.’ Nick said. ‘It took several hours and multiple Plan Bs to get these two robots back to the arena and when we did, our trained professionals set about getting them ready to fight.’

‘Which, as it turned out, wasn’t so difficult after all.’ Johnny said. ‘The moment we told them they’d be fighting Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, both robots readily agreed.

‘Turns out they’re New Lunar Republic soldiers.’ Nick said. ‘And they vowed to wipe the floor with those Sunnies.’

‘That’s right.’ Johnny said. ‘After the robots calmed down, we managed to get to know them a little better.’

Overhead the screens changed from Pinkie and Fluttershy to show the robots dressed in blue armour of some kind.

‘The robots, who called themselves Dawson and Jackson, are members of a team called Squealing Wombat.’ Johnny said. ‘And that they work directly for Princess Luna herself.’

‘Other than that, we didn’t get much else out of them.’ Nick said. ‘They like using guns, they hardly plan stuff out and, they are one hundred percent crazy.’

‘Well, Jackson is.’ Johnny said. ‘Dawson seems more level headed.’

‘Either way, this is shaping up to be one heck of a fight.’ Nick said as the screens overhead shifted to show the ring. ‘Now, both teams use ranged weapons so for this fight, we’re banning them. Instead, we’ve provided weapons from Equestria’s growing sports craze Grifball.’

‘For those of you who are unaware of what Grifball is, we’ve brought in Equestria’s foremost expert on the sport.’ Johnny said, turning to a massive red stallion that had joined them in the announcer’s booth. ‘Mares and gentlecolts, please give a Deathmatch welcome to Grifball’s founder, Sarge.’

‘Why, hello.’ Sarge said to the audience as they cheered. ‘I’m Sarge from the popular sport known as Grifball.’

‘And we’re honoured to have you here with us.’ Nick said. ‘So, Sarge. Explain Grifball as simply as you can.’

‘By and by, Grifball is as simple a sport as you can get.’ Sarge began. ‘You have a wide open court with teams at opposite ends. In the middle of the court is a bomb. The aim of the game is to get the ball to the enemy’s score point as quickly as you can and to do this, both teams are equipped with two of my favourite weapons after the shotgun. Massive hammers that can warp gravity and glowing swords of doom.’

‘Which is what we’ve given our two teams.’ Johnny said. ‘Hidden around the ring are a number of hammers and swords which can be used at any point.’

‘And if that wasn’t enough, we’ve taken items each fighter is willing to die for and suspended them over vats of highly corrosive acid.’ Nick said. ‘For Squealing Wombat, we have a barrel of the finest Tranquillity Moonshine money can buy for Jackson and a year’s worth of Playpony for Dawson.’

‘In the pony’s corner we have their most beloved pets.’ Johnny said once Nick was finished. ‘Fluttershy’s pet rabbit Angel and Pinkie Pie’s toothless alligator Gummy.’

‘Now why would anypony buy an alligator with no teeth?’ Sarge asked. ‘It makes no sense. You can use the teeth to crush your enemies to death! Toothless alligators. I’m sure it’s the work of those dirty blue devils.’

‘Squealing Wombat?’ Nick asked.

‘Close enough.’ Sarge said.

‘Speaking of Squealing Wombat, here they come now.’ Johnny said as a light came on and shone down on the armoured robots, escorted by four burly looking stallions. ‘Hailing all the way from somewhere in the Everfree Forest, Dawson and Jackson!’

The two Spartans waved up at the crowd as they walked towards the ring, slipping between the ropes as the crowd went wild, screaming and whistling.

‘And their opponents, coming straight from Ponyville, please welcome back Equestrian Deathmatch Tag Team champions Pinkamena Diane ‘Pinkie’ Pie and Fluttershy!’

If the noise from the crowd was deafening as Jackson and Dawson walked in, the sound that came forth from at the sight of the ponies was ear shattering.

Pinkie Pie waved at the crowd as she bounced down the aisle, a beacon of confidence and the exact opposite of her teammate Fluttershy who was cowering behind her mane and being dragged by an irate looking stallion who threw up onto the ring then left.

‘And now, the stallion overseeing this match and the final word in all things Deathmatch, Mills Mane!’

A grumpy looking stallion walked into the middle of the ring wearing a white shirt with bow tie.

‘Alright, you two. Front and centre.’ he said, pointing at both teams. When they came closer, his demeanour became less grumpy as he turned to the ponies. ‘Why, hello again you two. How are you?’

‘Oh. Fine, thank you, Mr Mane.’ Fluttershy said, peeking out from behind her mane. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m good, Fluttershy.’ Mills said. ‘And Pinkie?’

‘I’m super-duper happy, Millsy!’ she said, bouncing up and down. ‘Did you like the cupcake I sent you?’

‘Yes, it was very nice.’ Mills said. ‘Wonderful taste.’

‘Thanks.’ Pinkie said. ‘Gilda helped me make it.’

‘She made cupcakes with you before the match?’

Pinkie giggled and shook her head. ‘No, silly. She helped me after the match.’

‘Wasn’t she dead?’ Jackson asked.

‘Yep.’

‘Right.’ the Spartan said.

A mildly disturbed look appeared on Mills’ face but it quickly vanished. ‘Now, I’ve explained the rules to all of you. No biting, no guns, and no breaking the fourth wall.’

‘But the readers might find it funny!’ Pinkie said.

‘Lady, we’re on live television.’ Mills said. ‘There are no readers, just drunks watching TV.’

‘And how are we supposed to bite?’ Dawson asked, indicating his and Jackson’s lack of mouths.

‘I don’t know and I don’t care.’ Mills said. ‘What I do know is that I want a good clean fight. Now let’s get it on!’

A bell rang and Mills retreated to one corner of the ring as Dawson and Pinkie Pie went back to their respective corners, leaving Jackson and Fluttershy to face off.

‘Okay, pony.’ he said. ‘Let’s do this thing.’

Fluttershy, for the most part, simply looked terrified as Jackson towered above her, his fists raised ready to strike.

‘Do we have to fight?’ she whispered, backing away. ‘Couldn’t we just talk?’

‘No chance, Sunnie.’ Jackson said. He ran backwards towards the ropes and jumped onto them, stretching the ropes, then launched himself at the Pegasus, using the ropes to give himself that bit more momentum. ‘HIYAAH!’

The pony ducked, missing Jackson by inches, and the Spartan careered into the turnbuckle opposite and putting a massive head-shaped dent into the metal.

‘Ooh, a masterful use of the Whitetail Wuss by Fluttershy.’ Johnny said as Jackson fell to the mat. ‘That must have rung a few bells in Jackson’s head.’

‘Provided there were any bells to ring, Johnny.’ Nick said. ‘According to teammate Dawson, Jackson has a reputation of being a little crazy.’

‘Odd that they would build a robot with such a defect.’ Johnny said.

Sarge just laughed. ‘Reminds me of Lopez. That rascal was always cracking jokes no matter what.’

Down in the ring, Jackson got himself up off the floor and shook his head clear.

‘And the Wombat is back up.’ Johnny said as the Spartan rounded on Fluttershy. ‘It looks like that self inflicted Plan B did little to stop his desire to turn Fluttershy into paste. He seems to be employing an old favourite. The Manehatten Masher.’

Jackson grabbed Fluttershy by the tail and used it to hurl her over the ropes into the crowd.

‘A beautifully executed Masher.’ Johnny said. ‘But will it be enough to stop the Ponyville Sniper?’

‘I don’t know, Johnny.’ Nick said as Fluttershy disentangled herself from the crowd. ‘But I sure wouldn’t mind eating that Fluttershy paste you mentioned. Boy, I tell ya. I’ve never seen a mare quite as graceful as her.’ Nick’s tail began wagging as his expression became distant, dreamlike. ‘Maybe she has a thing for dogs like me.’

Both Johnny and Sarge stared at him.

‘Nick, this is a family show.’ Johnny said. ‘We can’t have your sick perverted fantasies going out live.’

Nick’s tail stopped wagging and he whined.

‘Yeah.’ Sarge added. ‘Besides, a mare like Fluttershy looks for sophistication and class in a stallion. Like me.’

He and Johnny laughed as Nick let out a disgruntled growl.

Ringside, Jackson climbed on top of the turnbuckle closest to Fluttershy and prepared to jump off it.

‘This is a little something I like to call, Pounding the Mare.’

He jumped off and aimed at Fluttershy, elbow out and ready to drive into her yellow back but she saw him flying towards her, let out a shrill shriek, and jumped away again, leaving Jackson to drive his elbow straight into the concrete floor.

There was a sickening crack and a pained scream from Jackson as he stood, holding his right arm.

‘Oh, I’m sorry.’ Fluttershy said, seeing the Spartan. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘Well I do!’ Jackson yelled, running for the Pegasus with a barbaric yawp.

She ducked yet again and Jackson went flying into a wall, bouncing off with some force.

‘And Jackson falls for the Whitetail Wuss a second time!’ Johnny said. ‘This fight might be over before it’s even started.’

Mills walked over to the prone figure.

‘Robot, can you hear me?’ he asked, prodding Jackson with a firm hoof. ‘Can you continue? Do you want to continue?’

‘Petunias with prawn crackers.’ Jackson mumbled, righting himself.

‘He’s okay.’ Mills said as Jackson stood, wobbling slightly. ‘I think.’

‘Commander?’ Dawson called out from his corner. ‘You wanna tap out and let me have a whack at them?’

‘Whack?’ Jackson repeated, looking between Fluttershy and Dawson. He shook his head clear again. ‘Whack!’

He ran for the mat, reaching under the side to produce a gravity hammer.

‘That dirty blue devil.’ Sarge said as Jackson bore down on Fluttershy, hammer waving in the air. ‘What kind of robot uses a hammer on a mare like her?’

‘Evidently one who took two blows to the head and drink moonshine.’ Johnny said.

‘That’s no excuse.’ Sarge said. ‘I would have gone for the sword myself.’

‘True enough, Sarge.’ Nick said. ‘But it means that things are really getting interesting.’

Jackson swung the hammer in a wide arc, just missing Fluttershy’s head, then brought it up over his own head ready to bring it smashing down on the still pony.

‘Hey, meanie pants!’ Pinkie yelled, making Jackson pause mid swing and look up at the pink Earth pony. ‘You leave my mare alone!’ She pulled out a party cannon and aimed it squarely at Jackson. ‘Surprise!’

It fired and all manner of confetti, pies, cakes and ball bearings came flying out that collided with the Spartan and knocked him back.

‘Hey!’ Dawson shouted. ‘She used a ranged weapon! That’s not allowed.’

Pinkie rooted around in her hair and produced a tray of brownies which she tossed at Mills’ hooves. He picked one up and gave it a nibble, nodding in satisfaction.

‘I’ll allow it.’ he said, tucking into more of the baked goods as Pinkie Pie bounced over to Fluttershy, got tagged in, and bounced over to a still recovering Jackson.

‘Amazing.’ Johnny said. ‘Pinkie managed to use the Canterlot Cannon Comeback to crush Jackson and save Fluttershy.’

‘That takes me back.’ Sarge said.

Pinkie stopped next to Jackson and produced her cannon again, pointing the muzzle straight at his face.

‘I’ve seen bigger.’ Jackson said.

‘Really?’ Pinkie said, moving the barrel to look into it. ‘Because the Z&R Mark IV has the biggest muzzle out of all my cannons.’

‘True.’ Jackson said. ‘You can fit an entire pony’s head into it.’ He snapped to his feet and grabbed Pinkie’s head, shoving her into the cannon until she was halfway in, back legs flailing in the air.

‘I don’t believe it.’ Nick said as Jackson grabbed the cannon itself and prepared to throw it. ‘Jackson turned that Canterlot Cannon Comeback into a Cloudsdale Cask, and it looks like he’s trying to pull off another Manehatten Masher.’

The Spartan hauled the cannon and its occupant above his head, let out a scream, then launched them both high into the air.

‘You’re wrong, Nick.’ Johnny said as the cannon flew up high. ‘That’s not a Manehatten Masher. That’s a Hoofington Highballer. A deadly move if done correctly.’

Pinkie and her cannon came plummeting back down, landing on top of an unfortunate popcorn vendor.

‘Ooh, and a lucky escape for Pinkie Pie there.’ Johnny said. ‘Let’s just hope she can continue fighting.’

‘Doubt it.’ Sarge said as Mills worked to prise Pinkie from her cannon. The impact had wedged her firmly inside and the stallion was getting nowhere.

‘She’s stuck.’ Mills said. ‘Only thing that can get her out now is an explosion of some kind.’

‘Coming right up.’ Jackson said, shoving Mills out of the way. He grabbed the firing mechanism and yanked it.

There was a muffled explosion but Pinkie Pie remained trapped, back legs flailing.

‘Okay.’ Jackson said. ‘Let’s try this again.’

He pulled the trigger again but received the same results barring a slight bulging of the cannon’s casing. A third pull achieved the same thing.

‘Folks, I cover your ears if I were you.’ Johnny said as Jackson tried a fourth, fifth and a sixth time, each firing causing the cannon to grow in size.

‘This time, I got it.’ Jackson said, giving the trigger an almighty pull.

There was a massive explosion that sent confetti flying over everything and propelled Pinkie and Jackson flying away from each other with such speed, they were there one second and gone the next.

Pinkie reappeared first, crawling out of a hole shaped like herself, woozy but otherwise unharmed.

Jackson, meanwhile, was pulled from his hole by Dawson.

‘Yo, commander.’ Dawson said. ‘You alright?’

Jackson fell face first onto the arena floor. ‘Give me a minute. The world keeps going cat and the donkey won’t stop playing water on the alcohol.’

‘Yeah, you’re not.’ Dawson said, grabbing Jackson’s hand to tag himself in. ‘You have a rest for a bit and I’ll sort these two out.’

‘Pyjamas.’ Jackson said as Dawson made his way to the ring, slipping between the ropes to confront Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.

‘Okay, you two.’ Dawson began, pointing a finger at them.

‘Hey, GareBare!’ Pinkie said, waving at the Spartan.

Dawson, confused, turned around to see if anyone was behind him.

‘Garewho?’ he asked when he saw no one was there.

‘GareBare.’ Pinkie said again. ‘I’m saying hi.’

‘Right.’ Dawson said as Mills walked over.

‘Pinkie, I said no breaking the fourth wall.’ He said sternly. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your party cannons and no amount of brownies will make me say otherwise.’

‘How about some cupcakes and cookies?’

Mills looked at the pony for a second. ‘Make them double chocolate and I’ll allow it.’

‘Okie Doki Loki.’ Pinkie said, searching through her bright pink mane for something. She produced a tray of cookies and a tray of cupcakes, along with some more brownies.

Mills accepted them all. ‘Now let’s get it back on.’

Fluttershy let out a soft yay as Dawson eyed them up.

‘As I was saying.’ he said. ‘Um. Where was I?

‘Okay, you two.’ Sarge said. ‘Bluetard.’

‘Right.’ Dawson said. ‘Okay, you two. You come here, support Celestia, and you manage to make Jackson spout even more crazy stuff than he usually does. I’m gonna-‘

Whatever threat Dawson was going to make was cut off as Pinkie pulled out another Party Cannon and fired, hitting Dawson full in the face with confetti and pies. He staggered back, wiping the gooey mixture from his bug-eyed visor.

‘And Pinkie Pie catches the robot off guard with her patented Pinkie Pie Ponyville Party Punch, powered by pudding.’ Johnny said as Dawson cleared the last bit of pie away. ‘Not the most lethal of her arsenal but knowing Pinkie Pie, she’s working her way up to the MMM, or the Monster Murderification Mixture. A deadly concoction that’s claimed the lives of many a soldier.’

‘Well let’s hope she pulls it out soon, Johnny.’ Nick said as Dawson grabbed Fluttershy’s tail and used it to fling the mare towards the announcer’s booth. She sailed over the heads of Nick and Sarge with a timid scream. ‘Because Dawson doesn’t look like he’s messing around.’

The Spartan reached under the ring and pulled out the hilt of an energy sword, pausing the read the inscription on the handle.

‘Type-1 Key.’ he read. ‘How is a sword a key?’

‘It unlocks peoples death, numb nuts.’ Sarge muttered as Fluttershy appeared next to him.

‘Sorry.’ she said before flying back into the ring where Dawson had activated the sword and was swinging it at Pinkie Pie, missing her by inches, who kept bouncing out of the way.

The Pegasus mare slammed into Dawson with the impact of a butterfly, wrapping her hooves around his face and blinding him.

‘Another genius move from Fluttershy.’ Nick said as Dawson began swinging his sword in wild slashes. ‘A Sal Palomino Sidewinder.’

‘That takes me back.’ Sarge said. ‘General Sal Palomino invented it during the Sidewinder Campaign. Heh. Those blues never saw us coming.’

‘And neither will Dawson.’ Johnny said as Pinkie aimed her cannon at him. ‘It looks like it could be all over for Squealing Wombat now. Pinkie just loaded the MMM into her Mark IV! Only divine intervention could save him now.’

Dawson paused, looking in the general direction of the announcers. He then snapped his fingers and peeled Fluttershy off. ‘One divine intervention coming up.’

He ran for Jackson’s discarded hammer and picked it up, ripping some of the skirting from the ring and wrapping it around the hammer head before dipping it in the butter from the popcorn vendor’s cart, getting a unicorn in the audience to light it on fire.

Pinkie and Fluttershy just looked at the Spartan with bewilderment as he waved the hammer in the air, getting the fire going.

‘Hey, commander!’ Dawson yelled. ‘Look what I got!’

Jackson, still groggy, raised his head from the floor and looked at Dawson.

Within seconds, he jumped up, seemingly revitalised.

‘TIM-TIM!’ Hellfire bellowed, charging forwards. ‘WE MEET AGAIN!’

‘You wanted divine intervention?’ Dawson said to Johnny and Nick as Hellfire grabbed the flaming hammer and launched himself into the ring. ‘I present to you Hellfire.’

‘AH, MORE SUBJECTS OF THE CELESTIAL WHORE.’ Hellfire said upon seeing Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. ‘WHAT FUN I SHALL HAVE ELIMINATING THE TWO OF YOU.’

‘Do you have to be so loud?’ Pinkie Pie said. ‘We’re right next to you.’

‘LOUD?’ Hellfire shouted. ‘I AM NOT LOUD. I AM SPEAKING QUIETLY. I CAN SPEAK LOUDLY IF YOU WISH BUT IT WOUL RUN THE RISK OF BRINGING THIS ENTIRE STRUCTURE DOWN. NOW,’ He brandished the flaming hammer. ‘PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM AT THE HANDS OF HELLFIRE, GOD OF HELLFIRE.’

‘Well, folks. I am amazed at what has taken place here today.’ Johnny said as Hellfire edged closer. ‘This is turning out to be a Fandemonium to remember and this is thanks to all of you. From all of us here at Equestrian Deathmatch, thank you for your cooperation.’

Dawson’s head snapped up to the booth in horror, then to the ring where Hellfire fell face first onto the mat, hammer falling from his grip.

‘Oh, bollocks.’ Dawson muttered.

The two ponies shared confused expressions then leapt for Dawson simultaneously, tackling him to the ground, and began pummelling him with their hooves.

Johnny, Nick, and Sarge looked on in bewilderment at Jackson as he remained motionless.

Mills approached him for a second time, roughly kicking the Spartan as he munched on a cookie. ‘Robot number two, can you hear me? Can you continue? Do you want to continue?’

Jackson made no attempt to reply.

‘He’s out.’ Mills said.

Dawson, meanwhile, continued to receive a beating from the ponies and Mills wandered over.

‘Robot number one, do you want to want to continue?’

‘Not really.’ Dawson said.

‘Well tough.’ Mills said. ‘This is a fight to the death.’

‘Right.’ Dawson grabbed Pinkie’s hoof and used it to throw her off him, pushing Fluttershy as well but with greater force. So much so that she collided with a turnbuckle and knocked herself out, leaving a woozy Pinkie Pie and battered Dawson left.

They both staggered up right and squared off, moving to the ropes.

‘Alright, you pink horse.’ Dawson said. ‘Let’s see how bad you are.’

‘Okie Doki Loki.’ Pinkie panted, pushing herself against the ropes as Dawson did the same.

They went back as far as they could then let go, flinging themselves at the other.

They collided with a sickening crunch and fell to the mat, joining Fluttershy and Jackson in unconsciousness.

Mills went from each prone form to the other, checking them for signs of alertness.

After checking them all, he shrugged.

‘They’re all out.’ Mills said. ‘It’s a tie.’

‘Amazing.’ Johnny said. ‘Our first Fandemonium where ponies are pitted against robots and it ends in a tie.’

‘So what does that mean for the items we’ve got suspended over the acid?’ Nick asked, pointing at Angel and Gummy in their cages.

‘Well, it is a tie so I guess both teams won.’ Johnny said after a moment’s consideration. ‘But then, they both lost so-’

‘So quit gabbing and more dropping.’ Sarge said, pressing his hoof down on the release button for all four items.

There was a click and all four cages fell into the vats of acid, dissolving quickly as the acid did its work.

Johnny and Nick watched as the animals, booze and porn were reduced to nothing.

‘That works.’ Nick said slowly.

‘Yeah.’ Johnny said as the ending theme music began sounding. ‘Well, that’s the end of that. From all of us here from Equestrian Deathmatch, good night, good fight.’