Author's Note

This chapter does not really make the story progress in any way, and it certainely does not make any sense. Yes, I know my shit usually doesn't make sense, but this is far worse, so please don't take anything in this chapter seriously. It's more of an epilogue / alternate ending / bonus kind of thing. It contains futa Twilight clop (I wanted to write Twilight and futa since quite a while so I'm killing two birds with one stone here), and as stated before, it also contains an unhealthy amount of really fucking stupid shit that makes literally no sense whatsoever, and will have you wonder how the hell this is even related to the first chapter.

But then it's clop, and you most likely just read close to twenty thousand words of nonsense anyway, so who cares?
It's pretty nasty, too. I think.

Fearful Odds

"Anon... that's not the deal you promised me."

Squeezing Aryanne's hoof as hard as I can, I shoot Celestia a defiant glare, all the while trying to ignore the one and a half foot long plastic horse dick hovering between her legs. "No... it's not."

A metallic contraption appears out of thin air and lands in front of me. I flick open a panel on it, and turn a dial.

The white alicorns frowns, using her magic to strap the fake appendage to her waist, fastening it in place. "You don't have to die, Anon. She doesn't have to die."

"Everybody dies, princess. The thing is to die well."

I grab a little piece of metal from the strange contraption itself and clench it tightly in my hand. Aryanne's hoof wraps around my hand, as she nuzzles my face with hers.

"What Discord said was... how can we die better than facing fearful odds, for the ashes of our fathers and the temples of our Gods?"

Conjuring up a bottle of lube, Celestia rears up on her hind legs as she empties it on the gleaming bright pink plastic, towering at well above seven feet and spreading her wings once more. "I'm pretty sure he never said that."

The three of us frown, before Celestia clears her throat. "I brought you here, Anonymous. I am your God."

Aryanne and I give each other one last glance, and nod knowingly.

I shake my head and hover my thumb over the button. "Fuck you, Celly."

...

Uh.

So, as it turns out, that teleportation stuff also works when I'm expecting danger. Canterlot might not exist anymore, but I'm alive... somehow. And once again, I'm... uh, somewhere. Fuck knows where.
I sigh and trail my hands down my cheeks, thinking about what just happened.

Oh well, she had it coming to her anyway. Right?
Now if I can just figure where the fuck I am...

"Anonymous?"

That voice... wait. I feel like I'm reliving a defining moment as a nearby door opens, bathing me in brightness as I shield my eyes. I blink a few times, trying to get used to the light.

"This is our room, Anonymous."

"Princess Luna?"

The lights inside the room come on and I raise a wary eyebrow at Twilight Sparkle and Spike standing in the doorway, confusion visible in their eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh... hey? What's up? Do you feel better?" I say awkwardly.

"Yes. What are you doing here?"

"I... uh. I'm not sure. I think I teleported again?"

Twilight facehoofs and grunts. "What did you do this time?"

"I'm not sure. I think I tried to kill Celestia, along with myself and probably all of Canterlot. Did it work?"

Twilight raises an uninterested eyebrow, motioning towards a window nearby. The city lights of Canterlot can be seen in the distance, the rest of the land bathed in the faint moonlight. "No, it didn't work."

IT DIDN'T WORK, TIA! I'M STILL ALIVE, MOTHERFUCKER!

"Oh. Well, okay then."

"Are you sure you didn't have a bad dream or something?"

I frown. "Yes I'm sure, I wasn't fucking sleeping!"

"Sheesh, Anon! You don't have to get so angry," Spike says in a bored tone.

"Go eat a dick."

"No."

"Yes."

"You eat a dick."

"No, you."

The little dragon frowns, before raising a claw. "What's a dick anyway?"

Twilight clears her throat and her horn starts glowing, a violet light flashing from between her legs. She rears up on her hind legs and shows her new gear to Spike. "This is a dick."

"TWILIGHT!" Spike screams, before scurrying away as the purple mare bursts in laughter. As for me, my heavy eye twitching isn't getting any better, and I put a hand to my chin, scrutinizing the unicorn.

"Twilight... how can a man die better than facing-" I'm cut off as she emits a low grunt. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes suddenly widen in panic. "I CAN'T!"

"You can't what?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"I CAN'T GET RID OF IT!"

"For fuck's sake you fucking what?"

"MY COCK! I CAN'T GET RID OF IT!"

"Yeah..." I walk up to her and pat her withers. "I know that feel."

"HELP ME!" she shrieks, pushing me away.

I frown. "Alright then. Where's a knife?"

"ANON! THIS IS SERIOUS! I'M SCARED!"

"Scared of what? Calm down and explain me already."

"I..." she takes a few deep breaths and sits down, looking at me sternly. "I just... I thought it would be funny to see Spike's reaction."

"It was."

"But I c-can't... I can't revert back to my normal self!"

"What did you even do? Gender altering spell?"

"No," she deadpans. "I just, uh... replaced my genitals."

"Tough shit, you didn't even get to use the old ones."

"FUCK YOU, ANON!"

"Not with that thing you ain't."

She shrieks again and pounces me, causing me to lose balance and fall backwards, the back of my head hitting the hard wooden floor.

"Anon... Anon! Please wake up!"

I open an eye and the first thing I see is a set of purple eyes. I sit up violently, headbutting the mare in the process. "HE'S BLACK! HE'S BALD!" I scream, my mind struggling to smoothly transition back to the real world.

I raise an eyebrow at a surprised Twilight rubbing her noggin. "Uh... my fucking head."

"Mine too!" she frowns.

"What happened to your eyes?"

"Nothing!" she replies quickly, turning her head away from me.

I get up and grab her chin, forcing her to face me. "Twilight. Tell me, what's wrong? Have you been crying?"

"I... no! I just..." she trails off, looking down between her legs. "Yes."

"Because of that spell thing?"

She nods, trying to suppress the tears.

"Why don't you go see Princess Celestia? Surely she'll know how to remove it."

"She's dead," she deadpans.

"She's what?"

"She's dead. I thought she wasn't, but you nuked her."

"I did?" I ask rhetorically. "Sweet."

"Aryanne is dead, too."

"Oh... well, victory cannot be achieved without sacrifice. But you don't seem to care about Celestia's death. And I thought she was immortal anyway? AND WHY IS CANTERLOT STILL STANDING?"

"Let's save those topics for another day, please?"

"Huh. Sure, I guess."

What's up with that now? Is she happy because she believes the death of her mentor means she'll replace her or some other stupid, ambitious shit?
And why am I not giving a shit about the death of a cute mare I spent such an intimate moment with a couple of hours ago? Why am I more concerned with the fact that Canterlot hasn't been leveled?

I suddenly take off my shirt and look at Twilight. "I need to take a shower."

After all, things got pretty messy earlier today... yesterday? It seems to be morning now. Did I sleep through the night?

"Do you mind?" I ask impatiently as she simply stares blankly at me, her right eye twitching. I wave a hand in front of her face. "Hello?"

"Huh? Oh, yes, sure. You know where it is."

"Yup. I'll be right back."

"Man, this is better." I sigh happily, walking out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around my waist. Once again, I have no idea why ponies would have human sized towels but I sure as hell am not going to complain about it.

"Twilight? You here?"

"No!"

Following the sound of her voice, I walk upstairs and open her bedroom door. She's on the bed, surrounded by a pile of books. "What's up?"

"Go away, Anon!"

"No. Not until you've told me what's wrong with you."

She flings all the books away from her and stands up on her hind legs, motioning to the throbbing member sitting between her legs with a front hoof.

"It's been like this ever since I saw you without your shirt! It hurts, I don't know what to do! Help me, Anon!"

...I think my brain just shut down.

No Anon, I'm still here.

Oh, good. Care to help me out on this one?

Fuck no, you're on your own. Brain, over and out.

Well, fuck you too then.

"Twilight, don't you know anything about males?"

"I... in theory," she replies, calming down a little bit.

"Try masturbating. It will make it go soft again."

She nods, then frowns. "How do I do that?"

...

Brain, you're really not gonna help me out?

Nope, fuck you.

Goddammit.

"Well, grab it and stroke it? Shit, I don't know. I have a normal sized cock, not a fucking battering ram. Also I have hands. You could try magic to stimulate it, I don't know."

"Can you help me?" she asks.

"WHAT?" I shriek, recoiling in... well, I don't even know. Would it be so bad to jerk off a horse?

...

Brain, I know that one was from you.

Yup. Still, fuck you.

But anyway, Twilight is my friend, and I would be helping her. How bad can it be?

Okay, that's it. I've gone completely insane. I walk up to Twilight's bed and sit on it, eyeing her junk curiously. "Is it sensitive?" I ask.

"Y-yes! Not as sensitive as what I had before, but..." she trails off, looking away.

"Do you still want me to help? I'm not gonna ask twice." Why am I doing this? Seriously, why am I doing this? WHY THE FUCK AM I DOING-

"Yes! Please, help me! It's throbbing and it makes me feel uncomfortable!"

Ooooookay then. "Are you ready?"

"Y-yes. I think so."

I raise a finger and prode her length, shuddering at the touch. It's pretty hard, warm, fleshy and a little spongy... not too bad. I add another finger and slowly caress the side of her shaft, locking eyes with her as I do so. She gasps and squirms a little, trying to contain herself.

"Are you okay? Does it feel good?"

"Y-yes! Don't stop, please, I think it's working..."

I try futilely to wrap a hand around her member but it's too thick. There's a good inch missing between my thumb and middle finger. I gently tug on it, eliciting cute moans from the purple mare. Smiling, I trail up to the head with a finger and trace the corona of her horse cock, causing her to squeeze her eyes shut and grab my arm with a hoof.

Why am I even enjoying this? It's kinda... fun.

My cock must find it fun as well. As in, entertaining. Clearly, this is entertaining, and everyone knows a male's brain is located in his penis. My brain finds this entertaining, and reacts to it accordingly. That's all there is to it.
There can be no other reason to explain my giant boner right now.

"Anon..."

"Yes?" I raise an eyebrow, still gently massaging her length.

"Thanks for h-helping me..."

"Heh. Don't mention it."

It's funny how shiny her cock is. I wonder how it tastes... holy shit, where did that thought come from?
Meh. It's not like anypony would ever find out, right? She would be way too embarrassed to tell anypony.

I slowly close the distance between my face and her throbbing member and give the underside a little lick, causing the unicorn to shriek.

"ANON! What did you just do?"

"I just-"

"Do it again! NOW!"

Well okay then.

I shrug and give it another lick, this time trailing my tongue across her entire length, starting from the base and up to the flared head, flicking her corona. It feels pretty good on the tongue, it's soft and a bit squishy. She squirms and moans, placing both hooves on my head and forcing me downwards.

I place gentle kisses down her length, bringing a hand to fondle her balls. God, they're so smooth and warm... heh. I'm just helping a friend in need, right?

After about a minute of gentle licking and stroking, her member starts throbbing harder. "A-Anon! I think it's not working, it's getting even worse! I don't-"

I (literally) grab her by the balls and squeeze them a little tighter to silence her, but not enough to hurt her. "Twi, do you even know anything about sex?"

"I..."

"That's what I thought. Just let me handle it, I know what I'm doing."

Her expression contorts into a smirk as she looks down at me, my mouth running along her cock. "Oh, so you've done this before?"

I shrug, ignoring her 'comment'. I'm enjoying what I'm doing, and obviously so is she, so why should I care about the rest? I'm the only one of my species in a land full of ponies anyway, who's gonna judge me?

Stroking the base of her shaft a little faster, I bring my lips to the head of her cock, wrapping them around it and flicking her urethra with my tongue. She screams in pleasure and pushes down on my head, forcing me to take her head in my mouth. She starts to thrust inside my mouth as I try to push her away, but she magically restrains me and starts quite literally facefucking me, going deeper and deeper with each thrust to the point I can feel her median ring rubbing against my lips as she thrusts frantically.

Not even leaving me any way to breathe, she screams in pleasure as her flare, well, flares, and shoots a large amount of cum deep into my throat, too deep to even make me choke or gag. I wrap both hands around her still pulsating member as it empties the content of her balls deep in my esophagus while the purple pony writhes and moans, waves of pleasure rocking her.
Eventually, her spongy, dripping head slips out of my mouth as I gasp for air, before hacking and coughing, nearly throwing up the cum she forcefully pumped into me.

When I come back to my senses, I look at her and scream, "HOLY FUCK TWILIGHT YOU NEARLY FUCKING KILLED ME!"

She's splayed out on the bed, her tongue lolling out of her mouth, her now limp cock slowly retracting into its sheath.

"TWILIGHT!"

She jerks 'awake'. "What? I... what?"

I glare at her, and her expression turns into a sheepish, embarrassed one.

"I'm sorry... it just felt so good!"

"You almost killed me."

"I..." she looks away. "If I return the favor, will you forgive me?"

A grin forms on my face. "I might consider it," I say, dropping the towel. How the hell did it stay on with such a pitched tent since like ten minutes?
It must be Rarity's work... bitch knows her craft.

She smiles and prods my erect cock with a hoof, "It's smaller than mine."

"Suck me off," I say blankly, frowning at her ~~implication~~ statement.

Not bothering to answer, she wraps her mouth around it and starts bobbing her head up and down energetically, causing me to grunt in pleasure. Ponies are good at this shit.

I grab her mane with a hand and place the other under her jaw, holding her in place and thrusting into her throat, causing her to choke loudly. She coughs, gasping for air as I release my grip on her head. She stares at me. "What was that for?"

"You did it to me," I answer defensively.

"B-but... you wouldn't have the nerve to do it again!"

Challenge accepted.
I frown and slam her head back onto my crotch, shuddering when the tip of my member makes contact with the back of her throat as she gags, spittle running down my shaft and spilling onto my balls.

I ease up and let her breath again after a few seconds, and she stares at me again. "You won't have the nerve to do it a third time."

I shrug and go back to facefucking her, the sensation of her tonsils and uvula massaging my length too heavenly to ever want to stop. Small pools of tears are forming at the corners of her bloodshot eyes and a small bubble is blowing out of her left nostril. After being deprived of air for nearly thirty seconds, I finally allow her to breathe and she gasps, coughing and panting loudly.

She shoots me a defiant glare. "Third time was the charm, but you don't do it a fourth time."

"Shut up and kiss me."

"I-"

Still with a firm grip on her head, I slam my lips against hers. Her lips are drenched in a mix of saliva and pre-cum, and she instinctively parts them, allowing me access to her tongue. I prode it with mine, caressing its flat tip and suppressing a giggle when I feel something poking me.

I break from the kiss and look down. "Looks like you could still use my help, eh?"

"I... if I promise not to kill you, will you do it again?"

"Shut up." I slam her head back down on my cock, thrusting as fast as I possibly can, her velvety throat causing me to reach my climax in less than a minute.

I slow down and start sliding my cock back and forth between her wet lips. She makes a loud retching sound as the warm sticky strands of cum hit the back of her palate, causing her to gag. She tries to pull away but I still have her head in an iron grip, and I'm not done yet. I moan loudly as another few strands of semen shoot onto her tongue, before forcing my cock down her throat, causing her to swallow most of it, and cough out what didn't go down.

I finally let her come up for air and she gasps, looking up at me with teary eyes and a mix of saliva, cum and snot dripping down her chin. Holy shit that's hot.

"So that's what I did to you?" she asks suddenly.

"Pretty much."

"And you didn't enjoy it?"

"What? I-"

"Because I did," she smirks, pouncing me. She slams her messy, slobbery lips against mine and forces her slimy tongue into my mouth. I happily let her explore my mouth. Being kissed by a tongue that still has the lingering taste of my own seed is strangely arousing...

We roll around on the bed, kissing and caressing each other's bodies, and eventually we come to a stop with her on top of me, smiling down at me. "Thanks for the help, Anon. But you're not done."

"Indeed, I'm not," I reply, smiling back. "Come here." I push her off me and place her on her back, hind legs raised. Her little ponut is so inviting...

I prode it with a finger, eliciting a small gasp from Twilight. Ponies have pretty loose anuses compared to humans, and I can easily insert a saliva-coated finger without much preparation, gently thrusting it in and out as she squirms, curling her hooves and moaning in the cutest fashion.

I withdraw my finger and run it up her shaft, softly kneading her balls with the other hand. I bring my head down and prode her entrance with my tongue, licking around her puckered hole as her moaning intensifies.
I start stroking her length and tonguing her little butthole, getting a ~~noseful~~ faceful of balls every time my lips make contact with her rim.
Which is roughly every second.

"A-Anon! It feels so good... d-don't stop!"

I smile as much as I can with my face buried in a pony butt, and keep tonguing her hole, feeling my own erection throbbing once again.

I get back up and kneel down in front of her entrance, caressing her cock with both hands and inserting my still wet member in her butt. She squirms again as her bowels contract around the invader, trying to milk out everything I have. It's so warm and soft, and tight...

"My b-books never said it would feel like that..."

"Shut up, nerd." I reply, suppressing a chuckle.

Rubbing her length and her balls with more vigor, I keep my thrusting to a slow pace, trying to focus more on her pleasure than on mine. I run my fingers all over her member, caressing and rubbing every inch of it. She seems to particularly like it when I caress around the hole of her dick...

"K-keep rubbing the hole, I think I'm gonna..."

Listening to her cue, I start thrusting faster, nearing my own peak as well, mostly due to how arousing this whole thing is to me. Her cock starts to pulsate in my hand and her head flares as Twilight screams in pleasure, shooting an impressive amount of semen on her upper chest, face, bed and just about everything. The sight of it sends me over the edge as well and I pull out, kneeling above her body and finishing myself off on her upper body, grunting loudly as sticky gobs of my seed splatter on her face, mixing with her own. My orgasm eventually subsides and I look down, both of us sweating and panting.

"Kiss me." Twilight says.

I raise an eyebrow at her semen covered muzzle.

"Anon, kiss me right now."

I reluctantly lay down beside her and bring my lips closer to hers. She wraps a hoof around my neck and opens her lips, inviting me inside. I wince as I slide my tongue into her wet, salty mouth, but what we share is actually the most sensual and erotic kiss I have ever had in my entire life. The tangy taste of our combined seeds makes it all the hotter.

"Twilight..."

"Yes?"

"Did you really not know anything about sex, or did you just trick me into doing that?"

"Um... a little of both," she smiles, still breathing heavily. We're gonna need a shower... well, another one for me. Things got pretty fucking steamy in here...

"I knew it."

"No, you didn't," she pouts.

"Whatever..."

"You know what?" she asks.

"What?"

She gives me a sensual peck on the lips. "I think I don't mind if I have to stay like that forever."

I wrap my arms around her little body and pull her closer to me, her moist coat brushing against my bare, sweaty skin as we bask in the afterglow of ~~gay sex~~ ~~cocksucking~~ ~~orgasm~~ ~~passion~~ helping a friend in need.

"I don't think I mind, either," I reply, grinning and licking my lips as I bring a hand to her retracting member, collecting juices on my hand and softly massaging her balls with it. Soon enough, something pokes me again in the thigh.

"Third time's the charm, right?" she says awkwardly, blushing.

I smirk. "Right, but I-" I'm cut off my her tongue invading my mouth as she rubs her renewed, throbbing erection against mine. I shrug and return the kiss, bringing another hand down to take care of her. Again.
And again.

Life in Equestria is good.