Oh look, Equestria

Oh look, Equestria

Chapter 8 - Jimmies

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"So, now that we are all accounted for, this meeting can commence." Celestia spoke up, turning her attention to me "There are a few things we must discuss, but first is the matter of a certain altercation in Ponyville recently, between yourself and one 'Time Turner', I believe?"

I nodded "Yep, that's the guy. What seems to be the problem, princess?"

"I merely wish to have a better understanding of what happened for you to resort to breaking my subject's jaw in two places" Celestia scowled at me

I sighed "Alright, let me regale you with my tale"

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One explanation later, and yet another scolding from the 'Twilight Princess', Celestia threw in her two cents "So, I'm to assume this was a question of honor and pride, was it not?" I nodded "and the insult that threw you overboard was, and I quote 'city boy'" nod "it seems rather rash to stoop to violence over such a small comment"

Luna spoke up "I disagree, sister" looking to me "I see no problem with sir Tom's actions"

Celestia was taken aback by this "Luna! That is not how we do things anymore, there are far more ways to deal with problems than violence"

Luna snorted "though none work as well as a well placed hoof"

I laughed "That's what I've been saying! I may be a layed back, practically rather lazy individual, but I have a bad temper. And, it doesn't take much to make me flip. That prick insulted me, I tried to apologize and let it slide. He wasn't having any of it, I retaliated accordingly."

Celestia cringed "Be that as it may, it's rather barbaric"

"Human, meet pony. Pony, meet human." I leaned in, turning into my human self "We humans settle our differences much different than you ponies do. It was a matter of honor. He disrespected me, shrugged off all attempts at making amends, and carried on verbally abusing me; in the presence of a lady, no less. I shut him up."

Celestia sighed, facehoofing "Honor is a fickle thing, Tom. It goes hoof in hoof with pride. Have too much pride, and you become stubborn. I'll drop the matter, but be aware that you are indeed in our lands now, and you will respect our laws." Celestia glared at me

I grin 'If she didn't just pull that out of her ass, I'll eat my shoe' "Of course, thank you princess."

Luna turned to Celestia "Will that be all, dear sister?"

"Not yet, I believe Tom had something he wanted to show us"

Luna looked to me, eyebrow cocked "Oh? Pray tell, what have you brought to us?"

Reaching into my pocket, spurred on by a 'finally' being muttered under a certain somebody's breath next to me, I pulled out a thick, square piece of yellow fabric. Placing it on the table, I turned my attention to the princesses "Princess Celestia, princess Luna. What I have here is Kevlar. It is an extremely high tensile fabric, typically woven into coats or robes for added protection. Weight to weight, it is 5 times stronger than steel. It is virtually stab proof, it can deflect arrows, not all arrows bare in mind, and it's very light."

The princesses were awestruck. Luna found her voice first "We cannot possibly believe what you claim is true. I demand a demonstration!"

Celestia, shaken from her stupor by Luna, voiced her own opinion "indeed, if what you say is true, this could be a very valuable asset to our military."

Pulling my hunting knife from its sheath, I raised it a few feet directly above the bolt of Kevlar. Looking to the princesses, I noticed they had looks of shock "easy now, it's just a tool. I'm not planning an assassination" I rolled my eyes, turning my gaze back to the table, I stabbed the test armor as hard as I could several times. Setting the knife on the table, I handed the no worse for wear piece to Luna, her catching it with her magic.

Luna turned it over a few times checking it for any marks, leaning into her sister's ear they shared a few hushed words. Luna looked to me "This is impressive, Tom. Would you be opposed to us giving it a try?"

"Do your worst, princess. It's yours now, do with it what you please."

Several minutes later, all what was left of the Kevlar was a charred speck, with a very irritated lunar princess standing over it. "Huzzah! We are victorious, evil Kevlar! We have defeated you!" Luna turned, walking back to her sister and engaging in silent conversation with Celestia.

Twilight was amazed "That stuff is amazing! It even withstood a broadhead arrow from 10 feet with only minimal penetration. This could save lives!" Twilight looked to me "Just how advanced are the human race?" I saw a gleam in Twilight's eyes, a lust for knowledge

Very nonchalantly, I said "Ahhh, we're nothing special. One of our greatest feats was space travel. We've landed on our moon, sent robotic probes to other planets, too."

Twilight was broken. Her eye twitched sporadically, and a few hairs were raising from her mane, popping up with a *boink* sound "Th-that's..... Incredible, all that with no magic. It's incredible." Twilight looked to the floor, brows furrowed.

Needless to say, I was rather bored at this point. Everyone in the room was either muttering to themselves in an insane manner, or whispering to each other whilst throwing suspicious looks my way. T'was an awkward moment indeed. After what felt like hours, Celestia got my attention by clearing her throat "Me and my sister have conversed on the matter of this 'Kevlar', and we wholeheartedly accept your gift, and thank you deeply." Celestia smiled, slightly bowing her head

Luna spoke next "Indeed, t'is a truly remarkable material you have discovered, Tom.

'Well, I didn't discover it...' "Sorry to say this, princesses. But, I didn't invent it. Nor discover it. It was developed by someone else, a fair few years back. I merely pulled the information from my phone to make it. Which reminds me!" I pulled out some parchment from my jacket's inside pocket "This is all the information you'll need. Materials, its molecular structure, etc. Just remember this, it may be strong, but it's not impenetrable." the parchment was enveloped in a golden glow, before disappearing. I raised a brow at this, looking to Celestia

Celestia chuckled "Have no fear, I merely teleported it to my study. It shall be forwarded to our scientists later. One last thing from me, considering your gift to us I wanted to extend a job offer to you, Tom"

I raised a brow "doing what?"

"Royal guard, you said that you had experience in security"

I sighed "Princess, thank you for the offer. But, I have to respectfully decline" Celestia gave me a questioning look "Yes, I'm well acquainted with the security business. But, that experience is dealing with coked up punters and drunken idiots. I don't have the combat training, or discipline to become a soldier"

Celestia tried to persuade me "I assure you, you would get the necessary training"

"Sorry, but it's not going to happen" 'I don't particularly like you, either'

Celestia sighed, nodding "Very well, but know that the offer is still on the table, should you change your mind" she then looked to Luna "Do you have any parting words for our guests, sister?" Luna shook her head "Very well, our meeting is adjourned. You may leave at your own behest, you two"

I got Celestia's attention "Actually, princess. There is one thing I want to ask you"

Celestia gave me a questioning look "Oh? And what would that be?"

"Have you had any luck in finding me a way home?"

Celestia winced "Ah, I'm afraid the situation is looking a little.. Grim" 'Oh no.... Don't say it....' I closed my eyes, sighing "me and my sister have been working tirelessly for days, we even had some of our greatest scholars helping. Alas, we have found nothing..."

I opened my eyes, looking to Celestia with a pleading look "But, you can keep looking, right?"

Celestia gave me a pitying look "I'm sorry, Tom. I really am. You have my word that we will keep looking, but I'm afraid the chances of us finding a way to send you back are infinitesimal, at this point in time"

"....Oh, I see. T-thank you, princess Celestia, Luna... I have a lot to think about, in that case.." I got up, changing to my pony form and walking to the door, nudging Twilight on my way

Celestia stopped me with a gilded hoof on my shoulder, I turned to look into her eyes "please, Tom. Never give up hope"

I nodded grimly, before returning my gaze in front of me once more, walking off

Twilight, finally shaking herself from her insane chanting, waved the princesses off "It was nice to see you again, I'll make sure to visit again soon" and with that, the princesses of night and day were gone in a brilliant flash of light. Twilight glanced to me, before standing and making for the door "We should head back. Me and the girls are meant to be having a sleepover tonight"

I hung my head "Sure... Let's go, I have... A lot to think about"

Twilight looked to me, a concerned look "What's wrong?"

I looked to her, anger and disbelief in my eyes 'didn't she hear them!? Is she really that damn air headed?' "didn't you hear them?! You know what, don't worry about it. Let's.... Let's just go"

Twilight was taken aback "O-okay, sure"

The rest of the day went by uneventfully, we arrived back at Ponyville; I was measured up by Rarity as Twilight picked up Spike, and I carried on with my mini armor whilst Twilight milled around doing gods knows what. Apparently the girls will be arriving soon, and according to Ms. Sparkles, I've been 'broody' all day, and need to 'lighten up'. I didn't tell her what I was told in Canterlot, and I intend to keep it from her. She'll just think it was her fault, and drive herself to insanity over me. I won't allow it. So, Twilight told me I'm required to play at least ONE game with her and her friends, I picked truth or dare. Could be fun, afterall

Engrossed as I was in shaping a shoulder plate, I didn't even notice the presence of a certain blue pegasus tapping me on the shoulder "Hey dude, what'cha workin' on there?"

I looked back, seeing Rainbow Dash "Oh, hi Rainbow Dash. This little thing? Just a shoulder plate for a mock set of armor I'm cooking up. After I'm done making this mini-set, I'll work on one for myself"

She looked at the piece intently "awesome, hey... That looks like it'd fit Spike! Where is the little drake anyhoo?"

I motioned up the stairs "he went to bed a little while ago. Apparently kissing the very ground Rarity walks on is very tiring"

Rainbow chuckled "Yeah, he does have a bit of a crush. He means well, though."

I sighed, completely uninterested "Yeah, I'm sure he does." turning my head back to work on the piece, I was interrupted by a cacaphony of voices coming through the library door. Looking back again, I saw the arrival of the other 4 of Twilight's gang, I nodded to them. Fully intent on just getting on with my work, ignoring the world around me

Twilight came down the stairs, pillows in tow. Since my arrival here, my bed had been moved into the spare room, so the foyer was once again usable. Laying the seven pillows down, Twilight greeted her friends "Girls! It's so wonderful you could all make it. We're going to have so much fun!" she squeeled, clapping her hooves together

Roughly an hour had passed, the girls had played this and that game, gossiped, had make overs etc. The classic girly shit. I had since gotten bored with the armor, and had elected to sit back and watch from afar. That is, until the bottle came out "Okay girls, time for truth or dare! Tom's going to be joining us for this one, isn't that right?" Twilight said, looking back to me

I grunted, arms crossed "I guess I am." getting up, I joined the circle of colourful ponies. Looking around, they all had surprisingly unreadable expressions "So, who's first"

Rainbow spoke up "Oh! Me, me!" she spun the bottle with a wing, chuckling evilly to herself. The bottle made a few revolutions before slowing down, ending on me. Rainbow looked to me, mischievous smirk adorning her face "So, monkey boy. Truth or dare"

"Truth"

Rainbow 'hmmed' to herself, asking "Alright, let me think.... Ah! Have you ever jumped off a cliff before?"

I laughed "No, but I fell off one once, broke several of my bones and collapsed a lung. Developed double pneumonia too, I'm lucky to be alive" all the ponies gasped "don't start, it was a long time ago. Forget about it and move on" I spun the bottle, fast as I could. The bottle landed on Pinkie Pie. "Alright ms. Pie, truth of dare?"

Pinkie all but screamed "Dare!"

I chuckled "Alright, let's have a think... I dare you toooooooooo" Pinkie leaned in closer "lick Twilight like a dog" looking over to Twilight, I laughed at her outraged expression

Twilight opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by a pink cannonball pinning her to the floor, licking her face relentlessly "Ewwww Pinkie, stop it! Get off me!"

Pinkie giggled, jumping off Twilight and returning to her spot "Okie dokie!"

The game carried on like this for a while, the ponies daring each other to do ridiculous things. Applejack spun the bottle, it landed on me. "Hooo doggy, 'bout time! Truth or dare, mr. Human?" Applejack spoke in her southern Drawl

I thought for a moment 'fuck it, she might have something interesting' "Dare"

Applejack grinned "I dare you, ta make Rainbow over there laugh with ONE word" 'is that it...?'

I shrugged "that won't be difficult" looking to Rainbow Dash, she was glaring at me with competitive ferocity

Rainbow eyed me up and down, holding her glare "bring it, monkey boy"

I shrugged again, neutral expression, my eyes boring into hers. I spoke a single word, leaning in slightly "sperm"

Of course, as I'd suspected Rainbow Dash crumbled. Laughing her ass off 'just as I thought, childish... Mind you, I guess I'm not much better myself' I smirked faintly. Getting up without a word, I returned to my corner completely uninterested. If I looked back at that moment, I would've probably crumbled into laughter myself over the red faces and wing boners produced by that single word

The 'party' eventually wound down. A few of the girls were dozing off, trying to stay awake. Twilight had gone off to get some blankets and what-not for her friends. Not long after she left, she returned with a charred mess. "I'm sorry girls, but it looks like Spike burnt the spare blankets... Again" she sighed, not knowing where they'd stay for the night "I don't know where you can sleep, I only have one spare bed, and you won't all fit into that"

I got up, waving Twilight off "Take my bed. It's big enough for at least 3 of you, I'm not sleeping tonight anyway"

Twilight looked to me, confused "You can't possibly just stay up all night"

I raised a brow "And why not? Who made you the resident human specialist? Do you know my sleeping pattern?"

"I'd assume it was the same as ponies, if I'd have to hazard a guess" Twilight replied confidently

I glared at Twilight "well, let me tell you something.. I guess you could say I'm partially nocturnal. I stay up through the day and following night, only sleeping on the next night. So as I said, take my bed. I won't be sleeping until tomorrow"

nodding reluctantly, Twilight sighed "Alright, thank you. That evens it out" and with that, the girls departed. giving me quiet thanks on their way to their respective sleeping areas for the night. I waited a few minutes, making sure all the ponies were sleeping before changing into my pony form, intent on slipping out of the library when I was stopped by Twilight "Is something bothering you Tom? You look a little depressed"

I started slightly, turning around I saw Twilight giving me a concerned look "Yeah, there is. Do I want to talk about it? No. I'll deal with it in time, I just need that time to myself to get my shit together. I'm going out for a bit, I'll be back in a little while" I turned around, not noticing the hurt expression Twilight was currently adorning. Stepping out of the library, I looked around before spotting the perfect place. A hill just on the outskirts of the Everfree. I trotted down the road, making my way to the hill and parking my pony butt on the ground once reaching the top. Little did I know, was that a certain purple princess had followed behind me, slinking into a bush just out of sight

Craning my neck up, I looked to the sky, letting a sigh escape my lips as I contemplated. Looking at the Equestrian moon, I couldn't help but stare at it. It was so much closer than Earth's moon, it looked amazing. "The moon here is absolutely breath taking. I wonder what effects it has on the tides here, or maybe 'magic' overrules that law" I scoffed. Magic... If there's one thing I've noticed in my short time here, is that magic makes you complacent, lazy. Unable to adapt, to evolve. Everything the human race isn't. It just goes to show how far I truly am from home. I hung my head

Suddenly, I was interrupted by a soft voice behind me "hasn't anypony informed you of the dangers of being so close to the Everfree, Sharpshooter?" 'Luna' I though

Not even bothering to turn around, I wait for her to take a seat next to me before replying "Hi, princess Luna. To answer your question, I've heard little talk of that forest. If anything, I feel at home being so close to the Everfree. Everything is natural, the way things should be. Untamed, un touchable. The planet's primal state in its finest. Urgh, but listen to me yammering on, what brings you out here?"

"I sensed a certain human wasn't dreaming, and I remembered what you said about preferring my night. I thought I'd pay you a visit, and talk on recent... Events"

I scoffed "what's there to talk about? I'm in magical pony land, stuck here till the day I die, away from home. Away from my family"

Luna gained a comforting look "Do not condemn yourself so early, there is still a chance. You shouldn't dwell on it, I know from experience that dark thoughts send you to dark places. Please, for your own well being, do not fall to depression"

I snorted "Hah, let's get real here, princess. You and your sister control Celestial bodies, you've both over a thousand years of knowledge each, on top of that you had your best god damned Dumbledore wannabes all trying to find a way for me to get home. Hope is gone, it's obvious I'm not going back. You both know this already. I've just lost everything I held dear, do you really expect me to just forget about my life?"

Luna hung her head "We are going to try our best, regardless if there is no hope remaining. And of course I do not, but tell me. Would your family, your friends wish for you drive yourself to ruin over something unavoidable?"

"Hah, no. My dad would probably tell me to stop being a baby and man up..." I smiled slightly

Luna smiled "No matter how far away you are, you shall always have family close to your heart. I'm not asking you to forget about them, but I am asking for you to let yourself move on should you not return. It will be hard, you will feel like you're betraying them, but know that you are not. For you shall always have them with you, as long as you remember them"

I sighed "Nice sentiment. That doesn't change the fact that I don't belong here. I'm a human, an alien. Sure, I have the power to transform into one of you, but that's not me. I'm an outsider, princess. I'll never fit in, instead I have to live behind a mask of lies and deceit. I can't even so much as send my family a message to say that I'm alright"

Luna raised a brow "What of this 'internet' Twilight Sparkle has mentioned in reports? She claimed that you can 'e-mail' others. I am confident our ponies would accept you in time. Twilight Sparkle and her friends seem to trust you, what makes it so hard to believe that others will not?"

"Firstly, no... I've tried that. It's hard to explain, but my internet just seems... Frozen.... Back to the issue at hand, humans don't trust someone they've just met so willingly. It's foolish and naive to do such a thing. Why do you think I'm so sour to your sister? The first thing she did to me was attempt to manipulate me. I'm never going to trust her." I snarked, rather nastily

"Quarrels with my sister aside, you think our ponies are naive?" Luna snorted

"Yes, I do. Because they are. Everything around you" I waved a foreleg a full 360 "is fake. Manufactured to help your ponies sleep at night, hell.. Even the damn weather is regulated. Do you know how boring sunlight is every day? It's infuriating! Where's the rain for crying out loud?! That over there, the Everfree. That's true harmony. There's predator and prey, weather is unpredictable, there's a natural order"

"Firstly, our ponies would definitely not be as terrified as your true form as you think. Although you're different, you resemble the Minotaurs..... Somewhat. And the Everfree, that is a very chaotic place. You think chaos is harmonious?" Luna raised a brow

I snorted " Hah! Minotaurs, who would've guessed.. Do they have labyrinths here too? And no, chaos is chaos. But without chaos, there can be no harmony. Without harmony, there can be no chaos. One cannot exist without the other. Chaos is the weight on the opposite end of the scale, it provides the order. You take that away, and things get stagnant. People get complacent, unable to move on, to advance... Hell, I've even been debating whether to plot out some land and make myself a home in the Everfree. It's the only damn thing that's normal around here, normal for me anyways. Besides, we're getting off topic"

A light chuckle was heard to my right. Looking over, I see Luna eyeing me in amusement "The stars make you quite the philosopher, I see"

"You call that philosophy? Pff" 'If that's what ponies think is philosophical, maybe all hope for them really is gone'

Luna let out a content sigh, lying on her stomach and slipping both forelegs underneath her "Ahhh, this is nice, is it not? Laying under the stars, letting your concerns wash away." I huffed slightly, causing Luna to look to me "you feel better, do you not?" I didn't answer "Give it time, I'm sure you will find peace" she got up. Flaring her wings, Luna was about to take off as I stopped her

"Princess, wait" she turned slightly, giving me a sidelong glance "You probably don't get much time off, being who you are and all. Why don't you take this night off, pull up a chair... Have a cold one?"

Luna gave me a warm smile "I'd like that, I'm sure the nobles of my night court can stay their squabbles for a single night" and with that, Luna sauntered back over, taking a seat next to me.

"Digrif gan bob aderyn ei lais ei hun" I muttered, more to myself than anything

Luna looked to me, brows furrowed "Pray tell, what does that mean?" throwing off her regalia.

I looked to her "Huh? Oh, you heard that?" she nodded "It means 'every bird relishes his own voice' "

Luna laughed "That explains the nobles very well indeed. I have one more question, though. What is a 'cold one'?"

"Something I'm in desperate need of right now" I laughed, shaking my head

"Were you serious about making yourself a home in the Everfree, of all places?" Luna asked, brows furrowed

"Yes, I was. As I said... It feels right for me, you know? Everything is natural in there! Things are the way they're supposed to be. Like home.. Like Earth" I gazed up at the stars 'I wonder if one of those is the good ol' blue planet...'

Luna gave a faint smile "there's much more to you than what meets the eye, Tom. You are definitely not one of our ponies"

I idly started flattening the grass in front of me with a hoof "so many people have said that to me in the past... Well, except from the pony bit.. Truth is princess, I'm nothing special, if anything I'm kind of a dick"

Luna gave a question look, but said no more. We sat there, gazing up at the stars. Both silent for a while, Luna broke the silence "To-er, Sharpshooter. I wish to extend an offer similar to my sister's to you"

I sighed "you want me to be a royal guard, too?"

Luna shook her head "Yes, but not one of those fools in golden armor"

I look to her "Oh really? Elaborate"

Luna then launched into explanation of just what the night guard is, what they do and everything in between

"So these, Thestrals... They make up the entirety of the night guard?" Luna nodded "and I'd be expected to 'blend in' so to speak, yes?" Luna nodded again. I thought on this for a while, I wasn't too fond of Celestia as it was, but Luna was nice enough. "I...I don't know, like I said back at Canterlot.. I don't think I'd be cut out for something like that. I can't even read Equestrian script"

Luna tried to persuade "The hours will fit you nicely, I've noticed that your sleeping pattern is rather different. As for your pay, I can safely say that you will be getting a fair amount of bits. Even more so than what my sister offers for her branch of guards"

I raised a brow "And the reading? You seem rather.. Eager to get me on board, princess"

She snorted "I must admit, your magic will benefit us greatly. It would be ideal for covert operations. And worry not about reading, I shall forward any orders to you myself, so that I may enchant them with a translation spell for you to be able to read. That is, until you can read Equestrian coherently"

I thought on it for a minute, weighing in the pros and cons. One one hand I needed a job, I couldn't just sit on my arse all day, no. I wasn't like that. Though on the other I've never really been one to follow orders.. I liked doing things my own way. "You know, Luna. I have trouble following orders. I prefer to do things my own way, I always have"

Luna smiled "Ah, you're that type of individual. I'll have you know that my night guard is comprised of some of the greatest soldiers this side of Equestria, and they are very good at what they do"

I lowered my head in contemplation 'This isn't going to be a cake walk... At all, though it'd be a nice new challenge, and I'd get to spite Celestia. Agh' "can I have some time to think it over? I like the sound of it and all, but I feel like this is hell of a sudden. Either way I'd have to see a Thestral first. I need to know what they look like"

Luna gave me a knowing grin, shouting to the sky "of course you may have time to think over my offer. I understand it is a lot to ask. Now, sergeant, if you would?"