The Secret Guard

By the time Stone Guard arrived at the club his head was already pounding from his task. This hadn’t been the first time he had escorted important visitors around Canterlot of course, outside of guard duty and drills there wasn’t much else to being a Royal Guard really. Aside from the constant duty, expectation to lay down your life for the good of Equestria and in defense of their Royal Highnesses, and looking damn fine in the uniform of course. But these ponies, griffon, and zebra were worse than the time he had to walk a very drunk Duke and Duchess from The Griffon Kingdom back to their room. All the while they made it very clear to him that their marriage was “different”, that they were both “fond” of the pony form, and that “Louis likes to masturbate while watching stallions fuck me.” Lovely couple.

“Uh!” The royal stallion Prince Blueblood cried as he stepped around a puddle of water in the street and was forced to brush shoulders with one of his traveling companions. “Is it truly necessary that I walk out here with the common dregs? Could I not have been brought by carriage?” The Prince complained loudly, something he had been doing all day ever since Stone Guard had picked him up from his estate at noon.

“By the Gods would you shut up?!” The griffon, Gilda he reminded himself, spat as she shoved him away from her when he tried to avoid getting near a pair of drunken ponies. Stone Guard cast a glance back at the ponies, something subconscious in the way they looked or moved drawing his eye. But he pulled his eyes away too soon and no one saw one shove the other to the ground causing its guise to give away and reveal a changeling that was pointed and laughed at by its friend. “You’ve been bitching ever since we left the market!”

“Do not lay your talons on me griffon!” Prince Blueblood commanded as he made a scene in the middle of the street, the ponies waiting to get in the club watching and murmuring amongst themselves. The bouncer shifted in place at the doorway either anxious that he could have to step in or because he recognized this was the group that was supposed to be brought in by guard.

“Hmm, The Great and Powerful Trixie agrees with Gloria.” The mare in some kind of wizards outfit interjected, referring to herself in third person and getting the griffons name wrong. “Trixie was forced to leave her home behind where anypony could pilfer it, your mansion will still be around after we are all done meeting with… whoever Bluehorn.”

“It’s Blueblood, Prince Blueblood you demented trouper.” He corrected as he tried to straighten himself back into a proper royal stature, brushing the wrinkles out of his suit and fixing his hair which had become matted with sweat after being forced to walk most of the afternoon. “And I saw your home impounded at the Police Station, it’s just some beaten down wagon that looks like it’s going to fall apart at any moment.”

“Exactly what we noticed!” The mustached stallion Flam interrupted, gesturing to his brother wearing a matching barbershop outfit. “Dear young filly my brother and I have been working on a contraption that we believe may interest you!”

“Yes a locomotion machine that with a simple application of magic can set any cart or wagon speeding across Equestria as you sit back and relax!” The non-mustached Flim continued with the sales pitch.

“While they discuss dealings in the street, may I ask who we have been brought to meet?” A rhyming voice asked to Stone Guards side and he turned to find Zecora the zebra… mare? He wasn’t sure what female zebras were called. While their little group had been getting stares all over Canterlot since leaving the Police Station she had received most of them, zebras were rare especially those who hadn’t assimilated somewhat and abandoned what he guessed was traditional styling’s and speaking patterns. She didn’t seem to be getting any stares from this part of Canterlot through, if anything he was getting them.

“I’m not at liberty to say miss.” Stone Guard answered professionally. “But if we can get going,” he said trying to get the attention of the others as they debated the practicality of giving such a potentially dangerous machine to any random pony, “we can all get inside.”

“I’m just saying that it’d be cool as hell.” Gilda continued, either not hearing Stone Guard or not caring. “Sucks you got to have magic to control it. Get enough of them with some hick earth ponies and I bet they’ll be racin’ them all around Equestria. Could be fun to watch them crash and burn.” She proposed with a smirk.

“And what will happen to all the carriage pullers once they are obsolete? They are earth ponies with no skills or education; they will turn to crime to get by.” Prince Blueblood argued back having slipped back into his royal personage, his hair and suit having been fixed back into a presentable state. “And is the nobility expected to drive themselves with these contraptions? I will not sully my hooves with such commoner work.”

“Hey! We’re here!” Stone Guard shouted to try and get their attention again.

“Not at all your highness,” Flim assured not hearing him, “the one who applies the magic is not the one who controls the carriage.”

“Yes and this allows you to cut down on the number of ponies pulling your carriage to a single driver.” Flam continued, the brothers having completely turned from trying to pitch to Trixie to the much richer Blueblood. “And you no longer need fear of being taken away by angered or potful workers. Just cut the power and they will be unable to move the carriage by themselves!”

“Hmm, Trixie is still unsure. She feels that she’d be unable to afford the maintenance until they became more common, also it would ruin the poor traveling magician image Trixie is cultivating.” Trixie argued.

“Yeah, your “image”, right.” Gilda mocked with a smirk that was shared by Prince Blueblood.

“Hey are you guys gonna go inside anytime soon?” The bouncer said as he walked up to Stone Guard and Zecora. “The Princess has been waiting inside for like 20 minutes.”

“…Princess?” Zecora asked with a raised eyebrow to Stone Guard and he cursed internally.

“We’ll be inside in a moment.” Stone Guard assured as he stomped his hoof to the ground. “Hey! Morons!” He tried being more direct to get their attention but again failed.

“Let me help.” The bouncer offered as he stepped forward, picked up a few pebbles off of the road and tossed them into the middle of the inattentive gathering. The tiny rocks landed and bounced before they settled an equal distance from each other and then seemingly under their own power continued to roll in a circle chasing each other. Stone Guard’s eyes snapped to the bouncer and confirmed that he was an Earth Pony so there was no conceivable way he could be doing this trick with magic. “What? Never seen some chaos magic before?” The bouncer asked as if in defiance to Stone Guard’s thought as the pebbles stopped chasing each other and lined up to form an arrow pointing to Stone Guard, Zecora, and the bouncer.

“We’re, uh, we’re here.” Stone Guard stammered when they finally turned their attention to him, questioning looks at what trick he had obviously pulled being the only unicorn standing there. Turning he found the bouncer already walking back to his post by the door, Zecora eyeing him and the other ponies oddly.

“Oh why didn’t you just say so?” Trixie said as they all began to walk towards the club not even sparing Stone Guard a passing glance. He stared at the pebbles on the ground and followed after them with Zecora, giving a passing glance to the bouncer as he kept the long line of ponies in order as they just waltzed in in front of them. The music was loud and intense, the beat reverberating inside of their skulls as Stone Guard scanned the crowd for any sign of Princess Luna. His eyes flicked to behind the bar where a young mare and an older stallion were having a discussion while a BY CELESTIA WHAT WAS THAT THING!

Sitting at the bar sipping a colorful drink was some kind of naked pale fleshed bipedal monster the size of a minotaur, not a single hair on its body with face like a bat and solid black eyes that idly watched the mare and stallion converse. Magic instinctually reaching for the sword or spear that he had left behind at the barracks at the insistence of Princess Luna Stone Guard kept his eyes fixated on the monster as the mare behind the bar caught him staring at it. “Oh you guys here for Luna? She’s upstairs.” She gestured to a stairwell tucked into a corner.

“Princess Luna Sweet Drink!” The older stallion reprimanded just shouting out the Princess’s presence to the entire club. “We must show the utmost respect! Do you know how big her appearance could be for business?” He asked as he began to fiddle around the bar revealing himself as the club owner. “Are you sure that she didn’t ask for any kind of drink?”

“…What the fuck is that thing?” Flim and Flam said together having found their own strange thing to stare at. Stone Guard tore his gaze from the bar and the pale fleshed thing to a corner booth away from the pulsing lights of the dance floor, where he swore strange shapes peeked out from behind the dancing ponies. Sitting in the booth with a couple of stallions and a mare was a collection of rags trying to hold in what looked like smoke as it seeped through the seams in the shape of a pony with a hood that showed only blackness as it gazed back at them. Then seemingly from the inside of the hood two blue eyes rolled into place, its attention flicking between them all except Gilda and Zecora whose attention was focused on the bat faced monster with the fruity drink and something in the rafter respectively. While it looked at them teeth began to dance in from the darkness, settling into a twisted smile that stretched far more than any smile should. It then cocked its head to the side and winked at them, the blackness rising up and swallowing the eye momentarily, and pushed its teeth out in some terrible imitation of a kissy face, the teeth clacking together.

“Sally!” The solitary mare at the booth reprimanded as she struck the ragged blackness with a light smack on the shoulder that sent the stallions with them chuckling. “Stop being creepy and you guys fuck off and stop staring at us!” She yelled at them and they all somehow sheepishly averted their gazes, now frantically looking for something else that wasn’t strange and terrifying. Eventually they all followed Zecora and Gilda’s gaze to the ceiling and found what had held their attention. Perched up in the rafters with the lights was a massive hawk the size of a carriage with what looked like a crown of fire floating above its feathered head. Around its neck was a strung together collection of glow sticks that swayed and bobbed with the creatures head as it grooved to the beat of the music, careful to keep its flaming crown from damaging any of the equipment or the ceiling.

“Hey are you just going to stand there all night or are you gonna get a move on?!” The club owner shouted from the bar and this jolted them all back to attention. Pressing themselves together they inched towards the safety of the stairwell, getting strange looks from every club goer that noticed them. The bartender watched them pass with a small smile on her face and followed after them when they began to ascend the stairs. “Where are you going?” Her boss asked as he watched her go.

“Something tells me that Luna is going to need help getting them back safely.” She turned to look at her boss before she followed them up the stairs. “I don’t think they’ve ever been in The Secret World before.”

Luna heard Equestria’s chosen champions ascending the stairs and quickly prepared herself; throwing up the hood of her cloak, turning her back to the door, and clearing her throat. When the door to the club owner’s office creaked open she smiled to herself as they crept in not saying a word, no doubt cowed by her menacing dramatics. “Tell me my little ponies.” She started, not bothering to turn and reveal herself yet. “What do you do when you gaze into the dark? When it gazes back at you?” She asked as she continued to star at the pictures on the wall in front of her, the club owner really liked fishing. “Do you cower and wait for The Templar’s to save you and hope you are not caught in the crossfire? Do you try to exploit it to score points with The Illuminati and pray that they do not destroy you when you become inconvenient? Do you lose your mind and try to dance to some chaotic tune of the world like The Dragon and hope they don’t use you for a purpose that is beyond comprehension?”

“…The fuck are you talking about?” A female voice asked and Luna, who was in the middle of making a grand turn and reveal, froze in place.

“Yes Grandmother Luna it would be most kind if you could tell us what is going on!” A very familiar voice asked, using a term that despite only being back from the moon a little over a week she already despised and the pony who used it. Turning around and lowering her hood she found her Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandson “Prince” Blueblood standing with an… assortment would be a good word of ponies and was that a griffon and zebra?

“What in the hell are you doing here?!” She asked in return throwing her gaze to their accompanying guard who suddenly looked very nervous.

“Today we were minding our business, when we were brought here with many strange things to witness.” The zebra mare rhymed and Luna cocked her head at the traditional speaking pattern of their shamans. Well it was nice to see that some things hadn’t changed in the time she had been gone.

“Why do you rhyme everything you say?” A blue mare in a wizard’s outfit asked her companion. “It’s very odd.” The zebra gave her a sideways glance but didn’t get a chance to answer her.

“Where are the ponies we asked The Royal Guard to bring in?!” Luna demanded to know as she marched to the guard.

“These, these are them!” He stammered at the angry princess before him. “We went exactly where you said to at noon and these were the ponies and others,” he explained gesturing to the zebra and griffon, “that we found!”

“Yeah if you’d like to inform us on how you knew our exact locations that’d be great.” One of the other stallions said, he was wearing some strange striped outfit with an odd hat.

“And what exactly we’ve been dragged here against our will for.” The other stallion continued this one in a matching outfit with a very well groomed mustache. “Oh and what the hell those things down there are!”

“No they are not!” Luna countered ignoring them. “We know for a fact that Blueblood knows nothing about The Secret World! And I’m guessing that none of you know what I’m talking about either?” She turned to ask the assorted band of misfits.

“Yeah I had the same idea.” Smart Cookie asked as she poked her head around the corner. “Should have seen them down there, just staring bugged eyed and jaw dropped at everything.”

“And what the hell are you doing up here?” Luna asked quickly losing her patience as her dramatic recreation of The Secret Guard slipped away.

“I’m just waiting for you to wipe his memory so I can walk him home.” She answered as she gestured to the guard. “Right about now all the vampires are going to be getting out of their day coverings and start prowling.”

“Wait what?!” The guard shouted in confusion. “What’s this about memory wiping?!” He started to back away from both of them.

“Oh shut up.” Luna ordered as her horn glowed and the guard’s eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he collapsed into a heap on the floor. “Probably not the first time this has happened to you anyway. Celestia throws memory wipes around like candy. Now then,” she said as she turned around to find the “Champions of Equestria” cowering in the farthest corner away from her, “do any of you have any idea what you’ve seen this evening?”

“Trixie has seen monsters, strange magic tricks, and a crazy princess that is currently scaring the shit out of her.” The blue mare in the wizard outfit answered referring to herself in third person.

“You saw the citizens of Secret Canterlot, who do not like being referred to as monsters, probably some basic Secret Magics, and we are not crazy, just stressed that you,” she gestured to them, “are what Equestria apparently feels is the best she has.”

“What did you expect?” Smart Cookie asked as she dragged the guard out of the office. “Celestia lets The Templar’s, Illuminati, and Dragon just do whatever they want as long she stays in charge and ponies aren’t dying in droves. Hell there’s probably recruiters down there right now. Most likely Illuminati or Dragon, this really isn’t a Templar scene.” Luna swung around to glare at the reincarnated founder of Equestria. “Alright I’m going!” Smart Cookie soothed as she left the room and began to carefully carry the guard down the stairs.

“So what do you all do? Do any of you have military experience or some occult knowledge?” Luna ventured, hoping that she wasn’t as screwed as she suspected she was.

“Trixie is a traveling magician.” Trixie answered. “But Trixie’s, um, tools and equipment are with her wagon.” Great, a magician who needed props to pull off pretty colors.

“I work security at Cloudsdale arena.” The griffon answered, revealing herself as the voice that had asked “what the fuck are you talking about” from earlier. “Y’know, keeping grabby mares off of The Wonderbolts and stuff.”

“We are traveling salesponies?” The matching stallions answered together. “We go from town to town selling our fine wares or inventions.” Luna eyed the way they said “fine wares or inventions” and guessed that they were rarely that. So she had two scam artists. Great.

“I took fencing in High School.” Blueblood offered and Luna’s eyes narrowed at the abandoned practice of Royalty serving in the military. “But I’m a little… out of practice.”

“I’m a herbalist.” The zebra said not having to bother rhyming for such an easy question.

Luna cried as her face fell into her hooves. This, this was awful! The grand reemergence of Equestria’s self-reliance from the societies “support” was a bunch scam artists, a hired thug, her asshole great grandson, and a herbalist! Those ponies in, what was it she narrowed it down to? Sea Stable that was it! It was the only village she could find on a map in the general disaster area. They were all as good as dead unless The Templar’s decided to be charitable and put in the extra effort to save who was left.

“…So are you going to tell us why we’re here or are ya gonna just keep crying?” The griffon asked after a moment of silence.

“There is a village on the East Coast called Sea Stable that is currently undergoing a disaster of the strange and terrible variety. We know this because Equestria itself cried out to me and my sister for help but I’ve found out that she apparently thought that it was a good idea to disband our national occult forces and let the three biggest secret societies that rule the world handle it!” Luna explained to their confused looks. “So we go through all the trouble of channeling Equestria though a map bound in my blood to find the six warriors she felt best capable of defending her! And look at what we get!” She gestured to them and they all frowned at the insult, apparently not noticing the mention of making a map of blood.

“Well it sucks to be them but what the hell are we supposed to do? Are we gonna get memory wipes too?” The griffon asked.

“No.” Luna decided as she rose up to stand at her full height. “I’ve come this far and if Equestria thinks you’re the best she’s got.” She narrowed her eyes at them while they all backed away. “Then you’re it. Welcome to The Secret Guard.”

“But, but we aren’t soldiers! None of us have military training!” The stallion with the mustache panicked. “We could all be killed!”

“And conscription has been illegal for the past 867 years!” Blueblood continued showing off his extensive and very expensive education. “Unless Princess Celestia declares a national emergency of course.”

“I don’t care what Celestia does with the normal world!” Luna countered angrily dropping the royal “we”. “I am the Princess of the Night and of Equestria’s Secret World! I have suffered her judgments and decisions on how to handle my jurisdictions enough!” Luna thundered as she rose her fore legs into the air as magic dashed across them and opened large gabbing wounds for blood to flow out of. “So I am declaring a national emergency to be handled by you six! You may not be aware of The Secret World now, but you soon will be.” Luna whispered as the blood fell from her wounds and stopped just short of the carpet. The New Secret Guard watched in horror as the amount of blood that fell from her could have easily led to the death of an average pony. “I will open your Third Eye so you can see, I will give you my Essence to make you strong, I will give you my Magic to act with my will!” She shouted dramatically as the blood rose up above her head in a swirling mass. “Open up.” She commanded looking back at them, catching them as they tried to sneak towards the door.

“Uh, open whaHHH!” Zecora started to ask but screamed out in shock as a stream of blood shot out of mass above the princess and darted into Zecora’s mouth. Falling to the floor in a roughing fit Zecora soon seized up and went limp on the ground, her eyes clouding up. This sent the others into a panicked rush for the door which they soon collided into as it swung shut as Luna used her magic to keep it in place. One by one she forced them to turn to her and forced her blood down their throats, letting them go as they seized up and fell to the ground.

“We’re sorry that it has to be this way.” Luna apologized as she watched them lay on the floor gazing up at her with clouded eyes. She let the blood fall to the floor and seep into the carpet in a ring around her as she turned her attention to the ceiling. With a flicker of magic from her horn the ceiling exploded outward sending debris across Canterlot and exposing her night sky and moon. “We wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t serious but,” she gathered them up with her magic and flew out of the hole, “this Age is growing old. And we dare not tell Celestia that we fear an End approaching, based on nothing more than half remembered warnings and dates from a mad pony millennia ago. You’ll be able to confirm it for us.” Then pointing herself East Luna began to carefully aim The Secret Guard. “Good luck.” She said to their unconscious forms before she flung them with all her might, sending them careening across Equestria faster than any machine or being could attempt. With a blink of light they disappeared over the horizon and Luna sighed in relief as the club owner stormed up to his office and saw the ring of blood and the giant hole in his roof.

“What did you do?!” He cried out as he gazed up at her.

“Ooooo.” Luna hissed as she lowered herself back down to stand next to the club owner and place a reassuring hoof on his shoulders. “We’re very very sorry, um, talk to our sister! She’ll cover the damages.”