Entering Equestria: Gurren's Tale

My friends, or whoever is reading this, what is evil? No I’m not asking for the textbook definition BS, but your definition of the word evil. Could it possibly be, someone who does bad things without a cause? Cause I’m pretty sure that’s my definition, but my definition doesn't mean anything anymore. Why? You ask, well it’s case I've done plenty bad things in my lifetime. I've murdered, I've stolen things, and I've had people murdered. I remember planting a bomb at a Rival Thief’s hideout, just to send a message.

My view of sending a message is very different than the normal kind. But what is normal? Normal is… I honestly have no clue what the hell normal is! Normal isn't in my dictionary! If anything, I’m abnormal. I mean seriously! I’m a fucking Mage! We use magic to manipulate the world around us, its actually called mana, but still! I don’t know normal! Normal is so far away from me that if it were to explode it’d take eight seconds for me to hear it! And yes that is a reference to something, I don’t know what, but it is.

Anyways, back on track, I’m going to tell you all a story. I don’t want to hear a story! Well I don’t give a fuck you’re listening either way, willingly or tied to a chair. I’m sorry, I get pretty violent sometimes and have been taking classes on how to control that. But yes, this is my story. What kind of story? Jesus, just shut up and let me tell you it okay? This is the story of how I came to the “magical” land of Equestria. Now, some of you may recognize that name. It’s gotten pretty popular in the recent years. Magical land of ponies? Yeah, thats it.

Now, this is the story of how I came to Equestria. Oh and by the way, my name’s Gurren Artren and I’ll be your guide through my tale. Now let’s start at the point that I actually entered Equestria. The process was quick and nauseating, basic Magic universal teleportation. Have you ever heard of the MultiVerse theory? Well, yeah. That’s how Mages were involved in science. One of the greatest Mages ever went up to a random theorist and said “What if our universe isn't the only one?” and walked away. That Mage then found himself in big trouble with the Council.

Back to the topic with what we were talking about. Well, we were talking about how I entered Equestria. But let’s real quick touch the topic of why I was going to Equestria. I was hired, as a Mage, to help someone that called themselves Distant to stop some evil dude. No other information was given after that. Good, that was quickly covered and we can go to when I entered Equestria. The ride was smooth and no problems were shown up until the point of which I actually was in Equestria. I had just finished the teleporting and I found myself face down in the grass.

“Ugh, my head…” I groaned and slowly rolled over. Of course I didn't expect a giant ass bright light to be shined in my face so I quickly shut my eyes tightly. “GAH!” I shouted. “What the hell fate?” I sat there for a minute before opening my eyes and letting them adjust to the blinding light of the sun. Although, the sun wasn't my biggest problem currently. It was the big white unicorn standing over me. At least it looks like a unicorn, but actually its a winged unicorn whose name happens to be Celestia. Pretty neat name right? Yeah, not really. “Hi.” I said sitting up.

“Hello there.” She replied with a warm smile. “May I ask whom you are?” I looked around and found myself to be in the middle of either a small forest or a large garden.

I stood up, dusted myself off, and gave her a salute. “Captain Gregory Ramirez of the United States Marine Corps.” I lied with a stupid grin on my face. “I just died by a heart attack and was sent here by death himself!” I dropped the smile and the salute before fixing my jeans.

“Captain? As in a soldier?” She asked sweetly.

“No, I’m not a soldier. That name is just a cover up I use to break into army bases to steal high tech weaponry.” I offered her my hand. “My real name’s Gurren Artren, I didn't die, and I came here willingly.” She accepted my hand in a hand-to-hoof shake and I grinned. “I was contracted by someone to help out with something big, not sure what, but how they described it as if it is something insanely important. But you don’t need to worry, I’m just going to be here for a couple of weeks to help them out. I’ll be out of your hair…er... mane, in no time.” I ran my cybernetic hand through my hair.

Story time! My entire right arm is made out of cybernetics and when I say cybernetics I actually mean full on 100% real robo Deus Ex: Human Revolution cybernetics. It was surprisingly cheap! Now, how I got his arm is kind of a tricky story. First lets tell you the story of how I lost my arm. It was a bright and sunny day in mid summer when I had some things to steal over in Germany, which sucked since I only know English and Russian.

I was working a warehouse job: steal some expensive paintings, make sure you don’t get caught, and then profit. Easy right? WRONG. Dead motherfucking wrong! Turns out they had some kind of security system that not only sent off loud sirens, but also detonated a Napalm bomb from underneath the warehouse. Now, I’m pretty sure right now you’re going “What the fuck? That means the paintings would be destroyed.” but here’s the catch, the paintings turned out to be copycats of the originals. I learned that after I tripped the security system and had my arm burnt to an absolute fucking crisp.

So now I’m missing an arm, right? Right. I’m out of the game, right? Wrong. You see, Mages can come from all over a universe’s timeline and I just happen to be the friend of a cybernetic dealer’s friend and that friend owes me big time for when I pulled his ass out of a firefight in Afghanistan. Him and his squad of Marines. Did I also mention that I know how to fly an A-10C Warthog? Yeah, I can fly one, but it has to have an onboard AI installed into the computers so really I’m not doing anything other than shoot the guns and drop the bombs.

So yeah, after some favors were called in I got a brand spankin new roboarm. It came with a couple awesome features: built in swords, flamethrower, ammo counter on any guns made after the 90’s, and a speaker to play music. Story time’s over!

Her smile shifted from willing to forced. “So, you are a thief?”

I gave her a grin. “I used to be a thief, I quit that profession and became a private contractor. After a job I did in Germany made me lose my arm” I pulled up my jacket’s sleeve to reveal my slick black cyberarm “I decided to have a change of professions.” I pulled my sleeve back down. “So no, I’m not a thief.” I shrugged. “Technically I am, but we all have our past sins.”

“Time passes and the future changes, but the past will always remain the same, no matter how much you wish to change it.” By the sound of that statement, she seemed to understand me on a deeper level than what I intended.

We sat there in an awkward silence for a minute before I spoke. “Yeah… uh… I’m sorry if I brought back any bad memories, but I gotta go and get some stuff done.”

Celestia looked back at me and gave me a warm smile. “Oh yes, don’t let me keep you here.” I turned to take my leave, but she stopped me. “But I’m not sure if Firewall would want you to leave.”

I turned to look at her but was interrupted by a heavy object tackling me to the ground and holding my arms behind my back. “You have the right to remain silent.” a deep, gruff voice stated “Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law.” Miranda rights. “You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you. Do you understand the rights I have given you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?”

“Yes, I understand my rights and having nothing to say. But I, your honor, would like to mention that you look positively attractive today.” I replied with a grin.

“Joke’s on you asshat, I don’t have to say that in court.” Whoever was on me said as they stood me up. I finally got a good look at who just put me under arrest. It was a large black Pegasus stallion with a red mane and tail. He wore navy blue plate armor and a pair of golden aviators. The pegasus seemed to be just as big as Celestia, who I appear to be an entire head (or horn, depending on which species you are) taller.

“Good work Firewall. Take him in for questioning.” Celestia ordered as she went back to relaxing in her garden.

The Pegasus in question nodded and pushed me forward. “Let’s go.” He ordered. I looked back at him and saw a tinge in his eyes that told me to trust him. I followed his lead to wherever he was taking me. What can I say? If I get the feeling to trust someone, which I rarely get, then I’ll trust them to handle the current situation.

I decided to start a conversation with the guy. “So, uh… Firewall, right?” He nodded. “That’s nice to know, the name’s Gurren.” I offered my hand from behind my back.

He looked at me and smiled. “Do you know why I hired you?”

“Honestly no, you were vague and barely gave me a briefing.” I answered honestly.

“There was a reason for that. Many of my foes are watching me, monitoring what I’m doing and searching for a time to strike. They've tried to kill my family, they've tried to poison me, and many other things that ultimately failed. I have hired you for many reasons, one of them is to track down my enemies and kill them all.” We stopped in front of what looked like training grounds. There were a lot of ponies in armor doing what else but training. I felt and heard the handcuffs click unlocked from behind my back.

“Am I getting a performance review?” I asked.

He guided me to what looked like a sparring ring. “Hot Shot, Iron Hoof, and Magie-Benutzer, report front and center to the sparring ring.” He shouted. Almost instantly three white ponies wearing gold and navy blue armor appeared at the other end of the ring. A pegasus and two unicorns.

I stood as one end as Firewall walked around to the other. “Are these your best soldiers?”

“Bull’s-eye. These three are my Special Operations Task Force team leaders, Alpha Bravo and Charlie.” He emphasized each name with a pat on the shoulder of an individual soldier. “Their fighting styles are adjusted to their liking.” He walked over to the Pegasus and put a hoof on his shoulder. “Hot Shot is a ranger, bows and crossbows.” Walked over to the middle unicorn. “Iron Hoof is a point man, sword or hammer and shield.” And over to the last unicorn, who is a mare mind you. “Magie-Benutzer is a mage, she has a wide variety of offensive and defensive spells.” He turned back to me. “Are you up for the challenge?”

I reached into my jacket and pulled out Calamity, my .50 Caliber Desert Eagle hand cannon made out of pure gold. I stole it from a drug lord after I killed said drug lord. Firewall’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw it. I clicked the button to release the magazine and pulled the slide back, releasing the chambered round. “If we fight, we fight on my terms.” I picked up the bullet from the floor and put it back in the mag. “No weapons.” Reaching into my jacket one last time, I took out my 15 inch combat knife, Marie, and stabbed it into the ground.

Firewall grinned. “Now in order for me to fully assess your abilities I have to have you up against armed enemies. In order for me to do that, my Captains here have to push your limits.” Let’s just go along with his plan for now.

“If they’re armed, I’m armed. Go get me a wooden sword or something like that.” I stepped up onto the sparring ring and bowed. My opponents soon followed my actions, except the bowing part.

“Mithril Shield!” A white Earth Pony came out of nowhere with a wooden sword in its mouth and brought it over to me.

“Spasibo.” I thanked in Russian. She nodded and backed away, allowing me to take a couple of practice swings with it. I got into a defensive stance and nodded towards Firewall. “Arm your warriors, I’m ready.” Another Earth Pony came out of nowhere carrying: a sword, a shield, a crossbow, and a staff. He then proceeded to hand out the weapons to their respectful owners.

Firewall grinned and turned to Magie-Benutzer. “Cast the transformation spell.” He then walked away from the sparring ring and sat down to watch.

There was a bright blinding light in the direction of the soldiers. When it receded, there were three anthropomorphic ponies standing where the normal ponies once were. The armor they were previously wearing only covered… some, parts. Basically it went like this, the two guys had their members hanging out and the chick had her breasts hanging freely, I’d say she was probably a C cup. Any normal man would say it’s a cock block to have two naked guys next to a semi-naked girl, but I’m not normal.

Just a quick thing that you’ll just now learn about me: I’m Bisexual. Oh? What’s that I hear? A flame war? Yeah well, go die in a ditch haters. So, with that said, I found this situation to be… thought provoking, to say the least. I looked over to Firewall with a slight blush on my face. “Uh… are they uh… are they supposed to be halfway naked?” I asked a little uneasily.

“There’s a reason for that. If you can fight without getting distracted then you can fight like a true warrior. One of my sources told me that you were homo-”

“Bi.” I interrupted. “I’m bisexual.”

“Bi, gay, homo, so what they mean the same thing.” He replied. I was about to say something when he cut me off. “Anyways, just fight them without being distracted by their dicks and you’ll be fine. But first, there are two rules of the sparring ring: Rule 1) Do not aim for private areas. Rule 2) If anyone is close to killing someone else, the fight is stopped and whoever is the offender will suffer greatly.”

I readjusted my stance and looked back towards the three. “Alright… Let’s get this over with.”

“Good! Red team! Ready?” I was a bit confused until I looked down and saw that my part of the ring was colored blue.

“Yes sir.” The three responded.

“Blue team! Ready?”

I tossed the wooden sword up, caught the handle, and held it backwards. “Bring it on.” I hit a few buttons on my cyber arm and activated it’s speaker system.

Firewall pulled out a whistle, from absolutely nowhere, and blew into it. “FIGHT!” He shouted.

I hit the play button and started my my fighting music. “You got the motherfucking right to remain violent!” The first song started off. I charged the three soldiers head first. Iron Hoof raised his shield to block any attack I throw, Hot Shot took to the skies with his crossbow, and Magie-Benutzer started charging up spells. I before I could reach Iron Hoof I jumped into the air and prepared to hit him with a kick. I noticed Hot Shot pulling back the string of his crossbow and put a bolt in. I sent a powerful kick in his direction, which he parried and sent me to the right towards Magie-Benutzer. Oh and by the way, her name is one big word. Deciding to try and get a flow going, I brought my other leg around to try and land a hit on her.

Magie-Benutzer raised her staff and blocked it, sending me to a crouched position. I swept my leg around to trip her, which succeeded. But before she could hit the ground she readjusted herself and landed a bit flawlessly. Iron Hoof tried getting a hit on me, but a guy his size is a little obvious, and I was able to spot it before he could hit me. I raised my sword and blocked his. I made an astonishing discovery and found his sword to be real. It was a real sword, made out of real steel. I snapped out of my trance and pushed his sword back, allowing me to break off from the combat.

“I see you noticed the blade!” Firewall claimed from his spot on the sideline. Hot Shot aimed his crossbow and sent a bolt in my direction, one which I barely dodged.

“I thought they had fake weapons!” I said as I quickly pulled my knife out from the ground. “Are they aiming to kill?!” Magie-Benutzer finally charged her spell and launched it my direction. I ducked and threw my knife in her direction. Iron Hoof sidestepped and got in the way of my knife, letting it be embedded into his shield.

“No, not really. They’re only aiming to incapacitate you.” He replied nonchalantly as I got ready for another charge.

“Good to know.” I whispered. I charged Iron Hoof again but my intentions weren't to attack him. I did as I did the last time I charged him but instead of kicking his shield I used it to get airborne and attack Hot Shot. I flipped my sword again to hold it normally and took a swing at him. Hot Shot was caught off guard by this and had little time to react. Apparently he was quicker than I predicted and was able to block my attack then send a knee into my chest. I wasn't quick enough to counter that and suffered the consequence. I was sent back to the ground in a way I didn't appreciate.

I landed on my back and got the wind knocked out of me. I took a second too long to gather my bearings since Iron Hoof was able to put me at the edge of his sword. “Damn… I guess I lost.” I mentioned. Iron Hoof grinned and nodded towards Magie-Benutzer and Hot Shot. When they dropped their guard was when I attacked. I grabbed Iron Hoof’s sword with my cybernetic arm and bent it backwards. They tried to react but were too late. I swept their feet from under them and took the initiative. I casted a spell to slow down time and quickly stood up.

Time wasn't slowed as in extremely slow, but it was like everyone around you was being slower than usual and you were high on speed… I don’t know how to explain it. I was able to stand up before they hit the ground. I jumped Iron Hoof first and sent a powerful kick straight to his face, probably breaking his nose. Before I could do anything else, a blast of magic hit me and sent me flying out of the ring essentially canceling the spell. I landed with a thud and hit my head against the ground.

I blacked out for what felt like a second, but was probably a good minute. When my eyes opened I was greeted by the site of all four of them standing over me. “Hey Gurren.” Firewall greeted.

“Hey.” I replied as I rubbed my eyes.

“You’re hired.” He handed me my gun and my knife, both of which I put away. “Now stop acting like such a bitch and get up.”

“But I lost. Why am I getting hired?” I stood up and stretched my legs.

“Cause you fought well and lasted longer than usual soldiers against these three.” I paused my music and turned back towards the four that were standing over me to find the three I fought back in their original forms. “I’m going to have you set up shop in a small town not that far from here called Ponyville. The next train is going to leave in a few hours so take your time to check out the castle. Just be careful for Eli, he’s probably running about messing with the guards.” He then started walking away. “I have business to attend.”

We all sat and watched him walk away until he was gone. “So…” I turned back towards the three and they turned towards me. “I don’t think we were properly introduced.”

“I don’t deal with faggots.” Hot Shot said with a Boston accent, spewing absolute venom at me.

“And I don’t deal with little fucking asswipe cunt bags.” I turned towards Iron Hoof. “Firewall said your name was Iron Hoof, correct?” He nodded with a smile on his face and stuck out his hoof. I accepted it for my second Hand-to-Hoof shake of the day. “Silent type?” Iron Hoof nodded again. I then turned towards the last pony, who was leaning on her staff and giving me a suggestive look.

“Magie-Benutzer. Residential magic expert, don’t mind Hot Shot, he’s just having trouble coming out of the stables.” She said with a wink.

“I am not a fag!” Hot Show snapped angrily.

“Calm your tits Hot Shot, I’m just screwing with you.” She replied with a smirk. “Yeah we’re the team leaders for SOTF, we basically act like Equestria’s secret service. Most of our names are blacked out by a black permanent marker on the mission reports and the only names that are untouched are either Celestia’s Luna’s and/or Firewall’s. If Firewall hired you personally then he probably has some big plans for you.” She turned and started to walk away. “I have more magic to study, if you need me I’ll be in the Starswirl Wing.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Hot Shot said as he also turned to walk away.

I looked towards Iron Hoof. “Let me guess, you’re gunna go too?” He nodded. “Alright, I’m gunna go hang out with Magie-Benutzer.” Iron Hoof turned and walked away. I jogged over to Magie-Benutzer and walked alongside her.

“Come for more of me?” She asked.

“Uh… I was just wondering if you can show me around the castle?” I asked nervously. Now, some of you may be thinking right now “Why are you acting so nervous?” and there’s a totally reasonable explanation to this. If you’re not wondering this, look at the facts. I’m 29, I’m an Ex-Professional Thief, and a ruthless mercenary. Anyways, I think I’m attracted to her… No, not in the way that I wanna fuck her til I die of exhaustion… actually yeah now that I think about it, it’s in that way. I mean, the way she looked when she was in that Anthropomorphic form was arousing to say the least. In other words, she’s hot, sue me.

“Hmm…” She hummed in thought. “Sure, I can show you around.” We walked through the halls of the castle, passing by many places until one stop was particularly interesting to say the least. We stopped in front of what looked like a library. “Well, this is the last stop that I’m allowed to show you. Of course there’s more places that I can show you but they’re off limits until Firewall can give the green light. This place here is the Royal Canterlot L-”

She was interrupted by a small dark grey alicorn that came out of nowhere and hid behind her. “Maggie! Blueblood’s pissed and he’s blaming me for whatever just happened to him, hide me!” He said with a massive grin on his face.

A large white unicorn with off red hair came storming down the hall. “Where is he?!” He shouted angrily. “Where is that little runt?” The Unicorn then noticed me and Magie-Benutzer standing in front of the library door. “You two! Mage and… thing, did you see where that runt went?”

‘Maggie’ shook her head. “Sorry Blueblood, I haven’t seen Prince Eli at all today.” She said with a smug grin. “Maybe he’s down at the Kitchen planning his next prank.”

Blueblood looked towards me. “What about you ape, do you have the intelligence to speak Equestrian?” He chuckled at his comment before I could speak. “What am I doing? Trying to talk to some stupid hairy ape and ask him if he can understand me?” he laughed under his breath and turned to walk away. “Oh well, let us go find the runt.”

Blueblood started to walk away when I spoke up. “So Magie-Benutzer, is that the cocklick Firewall was talking about? Prince Bluebitch?” I said in his direction, which got him to stop dead in his tracks.

He slowly turned around and gave me probably the angriest stare I’ve seen. “You want to say that again, ape?”

I took a step towards him with a grin on my face. “You heard what I said, horse.” The look on his face after I said that! PRICELESS! It was a mix of hatred, disgust, and shock.

Blueblood started off slowly. “Do you know who I AM?”

“You’re Prince Bluebitch, the ‘royal’ cunt of Canterlot.” I took another step forward. “The idiot that acts like he’s the greatest.” I crouched down to meet him face to face. “The douchebag that thinks he’s high and mighty.” I leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “The Wannabe King.” I stood back up and watched as he stumbled backwards in shock. “Now get lost!”

Some of you may be wondering where I just got that knowledge from. 1) This is a fucking castle and who else but royals live in a castle. 2) Royals boss people around. 3) This rich kid gives off a heavy stench of snoody, disrespectful, egomaniacal cowardice.

Blueblood started to back away mumbling something incomprehensible. I turned back towards Magie-Benutzer and saw that she was barely holding back a laugh. The little Alicorn came out from his pony shield. “Dude! That was fucking sick!” He said with a grin. Maggie burst out laughing right after he said that. “The way you told that fucker off! Dude, you’re like, pretty cool!”

I chuckled. “Don’t mention it amigo.” I replied, letting some of my old way of speaking slip. Now, real quick to explain what I mean. I used to be in a gang back home in Compton, USA. It was strictly a Latino based gang that usually ran dope and killed people, guns for hire. Those were some pretty dark times in my life and I understand that what I did was wrong. The only reason I was in that gang is cause there were family troubles back home and they said they knew who the people that killed my best friend were.

My best friend Gabriela Nicholson died by gang violence. Looking back, I still remember all the good times we shared together. The only reason I never asked her out is cause I always saw her as a little sister. Just in case you were wondering. I ran with the gang for about five years, found out who killed Gabby, killed them (all three of them), tried to leave the gang, got shot, was arrested, lied my way out of being arrested, and became a thief. It’s a touchy topic.

Anyways. “No, dude, seriously, that was fucking amazing!” The Alicorn insisted. He offered his hoof. “My name’s Andres Midnight Elliot, but call me Eli.”

I accepted his hoof for my third Hand-to-hoof shake of today. “Nice to meet you Eli, my name’s Gurren Enrique Dantes Artren.” I stated, and yes that was my full name. Eli looked at me a bit confused and I smiled. “Just Gurren.”

Magie-Benutzer finally stopped her laughing fit, that turned to giggle fit, and turned back towards me. “That, was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever heard anypony say to Blueblood.” She then playfully punched my arm.

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah, I’m pretty awesome. But hey, gotta protect the Underdogs.”

Just then, a chime went off from inside Magie-Benutzer’s armor. She reached inside and pulled out a small pocket watch. “Well damn, looks like your tour took up the rest of my shift. It was nice showing you around Gurren, but it’s time to unwind.” She said, taking off her helmet and letting her mane fall down. It was long and slowly faded from white to a darker pink. I then noticed that it was getting pretty close to night time. A shadow passed overhead that caught our attentions, a scroll was dropped and landed in front of me.

I picked it up and examined it. It was a normal looking piece of paper with a wax seal keeping it closed. The wax seal was a picture of crossed swords lying behind a pony skull. It was nothing too interesting compared to most of what I’ve seen. “Crossed swords and a skull.” I said in Maggie’s direction. “Who’s it from?”

“Two swords and a skull? I’ll be damned, you’re getting your first orders as an agent of the SOTF.” She chuckled. “Open it and read what it says.” I quickly broke the seal and read what it said.

Special Agent Gurren Artren,

By the recent orders of Prince Firewall you, Gurren Artren, are hereby enlisted into the Equestrian Intelligence Agency’s division of the Special Operations Task Force. By reading this letter sent by Prince Firewall, you hereby understand your current position in protecting Equestria from it’s enemies and will receive further orders soon. Currently, the only orders you receive as of now will be to prepare for your first mission as a SOTF Agent. There will be a meeting between you and Prince Firewall in the morning.

Swift Hoof, Director of the Equestrian Intelligence Agency, EIA

I smirked and rolled back up the scroll. “Well, looks like I have an entire night to celebrate my most recent enlistment.”

Magie-Benutzer looked at me a bit surprised. “Firewall gave you the entire night to celebrate being hired?” I nodded and she grinned evilly. “Oooo, I know one way we can celebrate! I have this awesome club we can go to and have some drinks.” She suggested.

“Aw swag, can I tag along?” Eli asked.

Maggie chuckled and shook her head. “Sorry kid, but I don’t think your mother would appreciate it if I took you for a night of drinking, especially at a club.”

Eli let out a huff of air. “So what about what she thinks, I’m old enough to handle myself.”

Maggie thought about it for a second and then shrugged. “Anything that happens to you isn’t my fault.” She then looked at me and stuck out her hoof. “You up for it, Artren?”

“What kind of club is it gunna be?” I asked, fistbumbing her hoof.

“Just your average club. Alcohol, music, flashy lights, ponies dancing around like idiots, and many mares to choose from.” She replied, leading us back the way she and I came. “But first I need to get out of this armor, don’t want the ponies at the club thinking I’m gunna arrest them for drug possession.”

Eli and Maggie shared a laugh as I chuckled. The way to the barracks was spent in a companionable silence. Well, not really amongst us three but between them two. I was trapped in my thoughts, not doing the serial killer thing where I dwell way too much on my past sins, but the type that had me thinking about things. I mean, like, where does Firewall expect me to sleep for tonight? What is he going to have me do? Will I have to call back past experiences and kill people? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!

…

Sorry, I had to get that out. Anyways, I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Eli calling my name. “Ay yo Gurren!” He shouted.

I jumped a little and looked at him. “Oh hey, what’s up holmes?” I asked, realizing what I said shortly after I said it. I cleared my throat and fixed myself. “Sorry, what’s up?”

“Nothing much man, but I got a question for you.” I noticed: Magie-Benutzer was no longer with us, the sun was set, the moon was in the sky, and we were standing in front of what looked like an army barracks but with a bit more pazaz. I guess it was the golden trim. “What’s it like being human?” Eli asked.

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Well… I can’t really tell you without making myself seem like a bad guy…” I stretched my left arm, since my right arm is cybernetic, and continued scratching the back of my neck. “Life where I was from was… unstable, to say the least. My family was simple. My mother, father, brother, sister, and me lived in a two bedroom house in a low income area…

“Life wasn't difficult, but it was still troubling. At a young age I joined a gang, a group of people that do bad things for the benefit of themselves, because one of my friends was murdered.” I stopped scratching my neck and shifted my weight a bit uneasily. “Can we not talk about this? It was a dark time in my life and I feel uncomfortable talking about it.”

Eli gave me a fake grin, how I know it was fake is cause there was a twinge in his eye that said it was. “Whoa whoa whoa dude, calm down. If you remember what I asked, I wasn't asking about your life story.” He chuckled. “But I’m pretty sure through what you've told me, life as a human is tough.” Eli looked away and lowered his voice. “Still wondering where Dad’s stories came from.” He tried to whisper.

I rose an eyebrow. “What do you mean your father’s stories?”

He shrugged and looked up at the moon. “My father, Prince Firewall as you may know him, used to tell me stories about when he was younger that he used to be human.” Elliot chuckled somberly. “Stories of him helping King Terrance and Queen Faust protect Equestria from forces of unspeakable evils. He used to fight with such agility, such power, such… greatness, that when he disappeared for several centuries they honored him by giving ponies a second form and declaring him nobility.” He chuckled again. “But that’s just a tall tale he made up. Everyone already knows that the reason why he’s nobility is because he married Princess Luna, my mother.”

After several moments of silence we heard the door to the barracks open up and a crimson unicorn with a dark pink mane stepped out. Eli’s face lit up when he saw her. “Lookin as good as always Mag.”

After Elliot said that I realized that that was Magie-Benutzer without the armor and the armor must have been enchanted with an appearance altering spell, ones of which I excel in. Maggie smiled. “Damn right I am, but I’m still way out of your league.”

Eli’s smile dropped to a frown and his ears landed on his head as I chuckled. “Come on Mag, why you always gotta shoot me down?”

Maggie chuckled and started walking past us, using her tail to tease Elliot… or at least it looked like teasing. “Cause kid, you’ll never have a shot when trying to hit on me.”

Eli’s smile came back and he threw a leg around Maggie. “Alright lass, give me one night to impress you and show you a good time if I don’t end up making you happy, then I’ll never hit on you again.”

Magie-Benutzer raised a brow. “And if you actually impress me, me and you start dating?”

Eli nodded. “Trust me Mag, I can show you a whole new world.” I laughed silently at the reference that they will never get.

Maggie put a hoof to her chin in thought. “And you swear to your Aunt Celestia that you’ll stop hitting on me?”

Eli crossed his heart with his free hoof and then rested it in the same spot. “I, Prince Andres Midnight Elliot, swear to my aunt, Princess Celestia the ruler of the Day, to my Mother, Princess Luna the ruler of the Night, to my Father, Prince Firewall the greatest General to every lead the Equestrian Military, and to my good name that I will stop hitting on you if I proceed to fail to impress you.” He let go of Maggie and gave her a cheeky grin. “So what do you say, do we have a deal?”

My mental alarm went off and I reached into one of the inner pockets of my jacket. I searched through my jacket for a minute trying to find my medication, generally tuning out the world. After what felt like too long, I pulled out the long dark brown piece of rolled up paper along with my gold plated lighter that I also stole from previously mentioned Drug Lord. I put one edge of the paper in my mouth and lit the other. I took a drag, breathed in the smoke, and let out the excess.

I tuned myself back into reality to find Magie-Benutzer and Elliot shaking hooves. “It’s a deal.” Eli stated.

I took the blunt out of my mouth and inserted myself back into the conversation. “So what are we doing right now?” I asked.

Eli looked at me and grinned. “Well, me and Mag were just making an agreement about a personal problem between us. I have no clue what you’re doing though.”

I took another drag. “Waiting on you two.” I blew a ring of smoke into the air and put my hood up.

“Oh shit that’s right,” Maggie exclaimed “we’re supposed to be going to that club. Just follow me, I know the way.” She then started to lead us to wherever this club was supposed to be.

The entire way there was spent in silence, other than the occasional muttering from Eli, and costed me my entire blunt. But I wasn't complaining, I usually never got high from it and didn't enjoy the feeling of it. Drugs don’t affect me like alcohol does. With drugs, thank god I quit them, I rarely ever got a feeling from them, but then you have alcohol. Alcohol is something that I end up being a lightweight in, I can’t handle alcohol.

But thats just my problem, doesn’t matter. We turned a corner and I was able to see an unmistakably bright night club. There was a large line of ponies in front of the club that were most likely waiting to go in.

Magie-Benutzer led us past the line of ponies before we were stopped by a dark orange unicorn stallion with a black mane. “Hey Maggie! Hey Eli!” The stallion exclaimed as we were approaching him.

Elliot was the first to greet him. “Swifty! My nigga!” The two hoof bumped as we stopped to talk to him. “What’s up man?”

‘Swift’ shrugged. “Nothin much bro. Life’s been good as always.” He looked over to Maggie. “What’s up sis? Comin to your favorite club to blow off some steam?”

Magie-Benutzer nodded. “Yeah, long day at work breaking in the new guy.” She signalled over to me.

The stallion then looked over at me to check me up and down. “Damn. Is he like a Diamond Dog or Minotaur without any horns?”

I spoke up and offered my hand. “I’m human and relatively new to Equestria.” Swift accepted my hand for my fourth hand-to-hoof shake of the day. “The name’s Gurren.”

“My name’s Swift-Kämpfer, Magie-Benutzer’s older brother.” He stated with a smile.

“It’s nice meeting you Swift.” I said, nodding.

“So Swift” Maggie started “if you don’t mind me asking, but what are you doing at a nightclub? They’re not really your scene.”

“I’m here meeting a few of my co-workers. I wanted to know if they wanted to go out and get drinks after work and they suggested this place. Only time I ever heard of it was when you talked about it so I thought ‘What the hay, I’m up for it!’” He lightly tapped his hoof against the ground. “Then it turns out that you have to be on the list to get in and my co-workers were already in the club before I got here.”

Maggie put a leg around her brother and poked him in the chest. “Brother, you don’t have to worry about a thing. Your little sister Mag is on the VIP list and will get you in.” She then stopped hanging on him and looked him seriously for a moment. “But you owe me a solid after this.”

Swift chuckled. “Deal.”

Maggie smiled and stuck her hoof out towards the door. “Then onwards my friends, to party we go!”

“Time for one hell of a night.” I thought to myself.