Entering Equestria: Gurren's Tale

My eyes shot open and I was assaulted by a bright light. I sat up straight, reaching for Calamity. There was nothing. Looking around the room frantically, I found out two things. 1) I’m ass naked on a King size bed lying next to a mint green unicorn. 2) Calamity nor Marie were nowhere to be found. At least my underwear and jeans were sitting on the floor in front of the bed.

After taking a minute to calm down, I slowly slid off the bed and put on the only articles of clothing I could see. That’s when my senses started to kick back in. I was smacked in the face with: the feeling of nausea and a headache, the smell of sex drugs and alcohol, and the taste of mint in my mouth. First day in Equestria and I already get drunk and bed one of the locals. Eh, I guess it’s better than planting semtex all over the castle. I would do something like that, trust me, I would.

I took another look around the room and found my two favorite weapons on a dresser near the door. Well, Marie was more of stabbed into the thing and Calamity looked like it was being presented to some drug lord looking to buy a golden desert eagle. Oh the irony. Anyways, I walked over to them and ran some maintenance.

I stopped cleaning Marie, I didn’t give a fuck that she wasn’t dirty I still wanted to clean her, when I heard rustling from the bed. I looked back to see the unicorn starting to wake up. “Ugh… my head… how much did I drink last night?” She whined.

“Good morning.” I greeted absent-mindedly.

“Oh… my… Celestia.” She said slowly. “I actually did it!”

I looked back at her and saw her sitting up. Eyes wide and a huge smile on her face. I felt a little unsure of what might happen next. “Stop that, it’s making feel uncomfortable.”

She dropped her smile a bit and climbed off the bed. “Sorry but, I’m just so happy!” She walked up next to me as I put Marie in her sheath. “So… I probably asked you this last night but, what’s your name big guy?” She asked with half lidded eyes.

I gently pushed her away. “The name’s Gurren and if anything, that was a one night stand. Sorry.” Her smile dropped and she started to pout. “No offense doll, but I’m not someone you want to be involved with.” I smirked. “I’m a very dangerous man.”

She put on her own smirk and got closer than she was last time. “Maybe…” she got up on her hind legs and put her forelegs on my chest “I need a big, strong, and very dangerous man to protect me.” She rested her head on my chest. “What do you say Gurren? Come with me and I can satisfy all your desires.”

I brought my face closer to hers and whispered. “As tempting as it is to have a fuck buddy thats a pony…” I gently brushed a stray strand of hair out of the way of her eyes “the answer is still no.” I took a step back and let her fall to the floor.

She rolled her eyes and started to make her way towards the door. “Well, if you ever change your mind, find me in Ponyville.”

She opened the door and started to walk out. “If I change my mind, how am I supposed to find you when I don’t know your name?”

She looked back at me with a smile. “The name’s Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings.” I watched as Lyra walked through the halls with a slight sway to her hips.

I chuckled to myself. “She thinks I’m gunna go for seconds. Never gonna happen again.” I turned back towards the room. “Now where the hell are my clothes?”

====----________----====

I walked out of the room and put my hood up. “Now, to find Firewall.” I walked through the never ending halls of what I’m damn fucking sure is the castle of never ending twists and fucking turns for what felt like an hour. I stopped walking and looked at the same aqua blue vase, that I swear I passed by three times, sitting between two windows overlooking the Royal Gardens. “You know what?” I said to the vase. “I’m just about ready to throw you out the fucking window.”

I stared down the vase until I heard snickering coming from the right. I quietly walked over and sat on the edge of the corner. The snickering was getting closer. I turned the corner to find Elliot walking next to a… thing. Like, no joke, this thing was a mix between several different species.

“Now that we've finished phase three of our plan, do you wanna grab something from the kitchen?” Eli asked.

“Hey Eli.” I greeted.

Elliot looked at me and his eyes widened. “Holy shit! You’re alive!”

I chuckled and nodded. “Damn straight I am.”

“Dude! You drank like, fifteen shots of Vodka mixed with Tequila last night! And then you go and disappear on us with some mare from the club. We never saw you after that.” He scratched the back of his neck. “So, if you’d like to share, I wanna know what happened after that.”

I shifted my weight to my right side and crossed my arms. “The only thing I know is that we somehow made our way back here and had sex.” I shrugged. “That’s all I know.”

“Well… if that’s all you remember… I can’t help you, I don’t know any memory spells. You should go see my father, he’s a unicorn for today and knows some high level spells.”

The species mix decided to speak up. “He should be in his office right now, over at the EIA.” It said in John de Lancie’s voice. I nearly lost my shit right then and there. My favorite character of all time’s actor’s voice was the one of this guy. “Oh! Where are my manners?!” He stuck out his lion’s paw. “I am the Great and Powerful Discord! Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony!”

I accepted his paw and nodded. “Nice meeting you Q.” I said with a smile.

Discord then bursted out laughing. After about a few minutes of him laughing, he calmed down. “I knew it!” He claimed. “I knew you were going to do that!” Discord turned towards Elliot. “What did I tell you? I told you-”

Eli simply rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. “-that he’s going to make a reference to his world.” he sighed. “Yeah, I know. I still have bits saying he’s not gonna stop making references.”

I chuckled a bit. “Damn straight I’m not. Just cause none of you will get them doesn't mean I’ll stop making them.” Then a realization dawned on me. “Holy shit… that means I can make as many racist jokes I want without getting yelled at.”

“No you can’t.” Eli said with a frown. “Anthony won’t allow it.”

I looked at him a bit confused. “Anthony? Who the hell is Anthony?”

“Anthony is the griffin standing right behind you.” I turned around to find exactly what Eli just said. A Griffin, a real Griffin, was standing right behind me, leaning up against the wall.

He wore a leather duster and a stetson, the scar over his right eye really stood out. Anthony tipped his hat at me. “Oi.” He greeted. “My name’s Anthony, Special Agent Anthony. Firewall noticed that you didn’t report to him this morning so he sent me to track you down.” Anthony smirked. “As much as I like to see another human running around,” he dropped his smirk “I don’t tolerate racist jokes.”

“Now then” Discord started “if that’ll be all you need from the two of us, we shall be off. Come along my little chaos friend, we have business to attend to.”

I never broke sight of the Griffin. “Oh, and remember this one tiny detail,” he whipped out a Smith and Wesson .500 Magnum Revolver with the word Mustang engraved on the side and pointed it at me. “stay on my good side, and you’ll never hear Mustang yell at you.” He chuckled and put away the gun. “Follow me, we’re going to go see Firewall.”

Anthony turned and went the way towards the evil vase. I walked up next to him and decided to start a conversation. “So… you said ‘Another human’ back there. Does that mean-”

“Yes.” He replied flatly. “And no, we’re not talking about it.”

I held up my hands at chest height. “I wasn’t even gonna ask.” The rest of the walk was spent in silence. It was… unnerving, to say the least. I was paired with a Griffin, that claims he was human and doesn’t wanna talk about himself being human, who I have close to no information about, this guy could be anybody. Being me… THAT FUCKING SINKS MY BATTLESHIP.

We eventually got to our destination, a large heavily guarded complex built right next to the castle. A sign out front said EIA Main Complex. There was a statue out front of; two ponies, a griffin, a dog(?), and a dragon, all saluting. On the statue was a golden plaque that read.

This statue is dedicated to all of those who lost their lives protecting Equestria from her enemies.

Rendezvous with your allies in Elysium.

The statue was quite impressive. It kind of reminded me of the Marine Corps War Memorial… kind of. We walked past it and into the building.

Behind the front desk sat a dark yellow unicorn mare with a pink mane. She looked like she was concentrating on something behind the desk. Anthony motioned for me to be quiet. The unicorn looked up from her desk and deadpanned. “You’re late, again.” She told Anthony.

He let out a heavy sigh. “Hello to you too, Pusher.” He greeted.

The Unicorn rolled her eyes. “When are you going to learn to get here on time?”

Anthony rolled his eyes. “I’ll learn to tell time when you stop being such a bitch!” They both let out their own heavy sighs. “So… are we still up for tonight?”

The unicorn went back to doing what she was doing. “Yeah, I’ll come over right after my shift is over.”

Anthony smiled. “Alright, see you later Pencil.” We went back to making our way through the building.

“Oh! Anthony!” Pencil Pusher called. We both stopped and looked at her. “Firewall is waiting for you two in Meeting Room Charlie.”

Anthony nodded and sent a wink to her. “Thanks love.”

“I told you not to calm me that.”

We continued forward. “Don’t care!” Anthony opened the door and let me go in first. There were many different species moving about the room. Ponies, Griffins, Zebras, bipedal dogs, and dragons (that were as tall as me) could be seen. There were a small handful of the workers that weren’t sitting at a computer discussing things in front of a whiteboard. Almost as soon as I entered the room, almost all eyes were glued on me.

Anthony stepped into the room and guided me to a small room in the back of the room we were currently in. We entered and shut the door behind us, letting the room become completely dark.

“Would you kindly, hit the lights?” A voice asked from inside the room. Anthony hit a switch next to the door and the room was illuminated by a fluorescent light. The room looked like an everyday meeting room that you’d see in some corporate office. Large table, rolling chairs, a projector, pull down screen, and guy that gets paid way more than you in a big chair with his back turned towards you.

The chair turned around slowly to reveal a unicorn version of Firewall. “Would you kindly, take a seat?” He asked. Anthony walked over and took a seat in one of the chairs. I took the seat at the head of the table. “Good.” Firewall’s horn lit up and a small wooden box was levitated from under the table. The box opened and Firewall took a cigar out of it. “Want one?” He offered.

“Sure.” I responded. He closed the box and gave it a good push, letting it slide to me. I stopped it in front of me, opened it, took one, and slided it back to Firewall. I kicked my feet up as I lit it. I took a slow drag and looked back at Firewall. “So… why’d you call me here?”

He pulled a file out from under the desk and threw it to me. I let it slide to a stop in front of me. Two pictures had slid out of the vanilla folder. One of those dogs, and a dragon. “Special Agents Razor Tooth and Raptor were sent on a mission to follow a lead on a trafficking ring in Ponyville two weeks ago… They were supposed to report their findings two days ago.”

I opened the file and read through it. I shrugged. “So… what? They’re late on their report, give them until this afternoon to call in and you’ll be good.” As I read through the file I realized that these two were never late for their reports. “Oh…”

“Exactly. As you can see, they’re always on time for their reports so that says two things. Either they started getting lazy, or they’ve gone MIA. And I have my money on the MIA.” Firewall explained. He pulled out yet another dossier and passed it to me. I put down the first one and picked the second one up. “Special Agent Gamemaster.” Firewall said as I looked at several mugshots of the same red unicorn with a darker red mane.

I held up my hand, telling Firewall not to say anything. “Wait, don’t tell me… he’s going to be my handler?” He nodded and I smiled.

“You’ll be stationed in Ponyville until the mission is over.” Firewall put his cigar on an ashtray. “And this mission does include tracking down the source of the trafficking ring.”

“Alright, how much am I getting paid?” I asked, kicking my feet up on the table.

“You’ll be paid 1,000 up front and 5,000 when you complete the mission. You’ll get another 5,000 as a bonus if you find Agents Razor and Raptor.” Firewall leaned back in his chair. “Well, what do you say Artren? Would you kindly, do this mission for me?”

I put my cigar down. “No.” I answered simply.

“Well, why not?” He picked back up his cigar.

“Cause you keep asking me to do it kindly and I simply hate that phrase for another reason unrelated to right now’s situation.” There’s a reference in there. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d help you if you didn’t brainwash your operatives.” I gestured towards Anthony, who’s been staring blankly at the wall across from him this entire time.

After a few minutes of silence they bursted out laughing. “I told you he would get it!” Anthony said through breaths. “I said ‘Use the ‘Would you kindly’ phrase and he’ll mention where it’s from’ and what did he do? He made reference! He didn’t really say it directly, but he said it!”

I smirked. “So Anthony, when’d you play the game?”

“I played it when it first came out.” He responded with a smile. “Bioshock? Best game ever! Ten outta ten! I fuckin loved it!”

“Whoa whoa whoa. What about the second one? I mean, the multiplayer wasn’t that good, but it didn’t make the game any worse.” I shrugged.

Anthony’s smile slowly dropped. “They… they made a sequel? Was it… was it any good?”

“Well, yeah. I played it, along with that prequel Infinite, they were both pretty good.” I realized the inner look on his face was one of guilt. “Hey man, what’s wrong?”

He slammed, literally slammed, his head on the table and mumbled something incoherent.

I turned back towards Firewall. “Did I just touch upon a topic I wasn’t supposed to touch?”

He just simply shrugged. “Probably.”

“I didn’t come to Equestria willingly.” Anthony started. “My real name’s not even Anthony, I changed it to the first thing that came to mind when my new body was being created. I was a coward back on Earth. I took my life, seeking a better one. Hell was what I expected it to be. I was given an option, I can either go back and try again in another world or I can rot in hell for the rest of eternity.

“December 5, 2008. I took sleeping pills and put a magnum up to my head. I had nothing to lose. Family? Either dead or distancing themselves from my failure. Friends? Gone. Everyone I trusted left me.” I lifted his head off the table. His eyes were puffy and he looked like he was ready to cry. “They left me. Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned?”

I stood up and looked him in the eyes. “I’ve known pain.” I walked over and put my hands on his shoulders. “But right now, you need to man up. The past is the past and the future is now. We must fight to ensure our prosperity.” I pulled his gun out of its holster and held it sideways. “This is your sword, and your shield is valor. Whether you choose to wallow in the past or choose to look forward is your choice.”

Anthony smiled and accepted his gun. “And when the hero chooses to fight. He will fight and along the way find brothers in arms.” He put a claw on my shoulder. “I’m sorry Gurren, but please don’t mention anything that happened after December 5, 2008.”

I shrugged. “Touchy topic, I get it.” I gave him a genuine smile. “Now stop being a little pussy, we have a Unicorn to meet!” I stood up and grabbed the two files off of the table. “I’ll do the job Firewall! I don’t need the 1k right now so I’ll just accept it along with my 10k!”

“So, you’re confident that you’ll find Razor Tooth and Raptor?” Firewall asked.

I nodded, gave him a thumbs up, and a large grin. “Believe it!”

Firewall turned towards Anthony. “Special Agent Kazimir escort Special Agent Artren to the train station, please.”

Anthony nodded and turned towards me. “Let’s go Naruto, we got places to go and Akatsuki to fight.”

I turned back to him. “Alrighty then Sasuke-Chan! To victory we go!”

He chuckled. “If anything I’d rather be Killer Bee than Sasuke. Let’s just go before we turn on each other.” He led me out of the room and into the lobby of the building where a gold dragon was leaning up against the front desk.

The dragon noticed us instantly and signaled for us to come over. We did so and he greeted us with a smile. “Evenin Kaz, how yuh doin?” He said with a southern accent.

“I’m doin good Jack, just helpin out our newest agent get to his handler.” Anthony replied, motioning towards me.

The dragon looked at me and offered his claw. “Howdy, the name’s Jack Sanderson. But yuh can jus call me Jack.”

I accepted his claw and gave him a firm handshake. “A pleasure, Jack.”

“Uh handshake tells uh lot bout uh man.” A smirk appeared across his features. “But Ah’m not ere tuh make nice with yuh, I’m ere tuh deliver yuh yer uniform.” He motioned to the package under his arm. “Dis ere son-of-uh-bitch was made fer yuh specially.” Jack tossed me the package.

I caught it and started to open it. “How were you all able to get my measurements?”

“I think I can answer that.” A familiar voice called from across the room. The mare from last night stepped into view. “It’s good to see you again Mister Artren.” Lyra greeted with a smile.

I let out a sigh. “Hello Lyra, it’s good to see you too.”

“What’s wrong Artren? Not happy to see another one of your ‘fuck buddies’?” Jack and Anthony barely held back a laugh. She let out a chuckle. “Don’t worry Mister Artren, nothing happened between us last night.”

“She’s lying.” a voice in the back of my head said. “You’re a terrible liar, Miss Heartstrings.”  I leaned up against the desk. “How else were you able to get me completely naked and on a bed?” Jack and Anthony couldn’t hold their laughs back anymore and let it out. “Children please, quiet down as the adults speak.”

“Ah, so you’ve seen through my bluff.” Lyra smiled. “But besides the fact of us having sex, I was able to sneak out of the room earlier in the morning and get your jacket delivered to a tailor. A trusted tailor, mind you. He took the measurements from the jacket and I used my knowledge of how tall you are to have him fit the robe to the perfect height.” She shifted her weight a bit. “Well, not perfect, but approximate.” I realized I stopped opening the package when Lyra stepped in and, needless to say, I got back to opening it.

When I opened it completely, I was greeted by the sight of pitch black silk. I pulled the robe out and threw the packaging on the desk. I held up the robe to get a good look at it. “It’s pitch black, that’s good.” I thought to myself. “It’s made out of silk, that’s another plus. It’s got a hood, thats also a plus.” I took off my jacket and put the robe on. Instantly I felt a cool sensation wash over me. “An enchantment to keep me cool? Nice.” I looked over at Lyra. “So, what other cool things come with it?”

She pulled out a list from, and I am not exaggerating when I say this, out of nowhere and read it to me. “Cloud walking, levitation for the duration of a minute, head’s up display,” a little icon of myself appeared to the right of my vision “invisibility for a short period of time, and last but not least…” She looked at me and deadpanned. “You do anything against our orders and we’ll shock you with .15 amps of electricity.” Her smile immediately came back. “Have fun with taking it off!”

I leaned back up against the front desk. “You guys really don’t want your operatives to get away, do you?”

Lyra chuckled under her breath. “Calm down Mister Artren, it was just a joke. We’re not going to shock you with enough amps to cause nerve damage.”

“Actually, .15 amps wouldn’t cause nerve damage, it’s .18 amps that causes nerve damage. I should know, I’ve used electricity to interrogate people before.” I said with a smile.

Lyra nodded happily. “That’s good to know Mister Artren.” She turned towards Pencil Pusher, who was sitting there reading a magazine. “Write that down somewhere.” Pencil quickly nodded and wrote it down on the front of her magazine. “Not where I expected you to write it down, but it works.”

“Would you rather have me write it down in a PlayMare?” Pencil asked.

“PlayMare is essentially PlayGirl from Earth.” The voice in the back of my head said.

“And why do I have a voice in the back of my head?” I thought to myself.

“Cause you’ll need assistance during your journey. Don’t call me ‘Voice in the back of your head’, call me Prophet.” The voice in the back of my head stated.

“Ok, voice in the back of my head.” I stopped focusing on the conversation between Prophet and I and went back to listening to the real world.

“Look,” Lyra said “all I’m trying to say is that Firewall doesn't appreciate it when his employees are looking at pornography when they should be working.”

Pencil Pusher rolled her eyes. “Well, what else am I going to do? We’re buckin Celestia’s Secret Service, the only thing I do here is make sure we don’t have some PMCs busting down our front door looking for a fight!” Her horn started to glow and a modified FN P90 was levitated from below the desk. “Do you know how many times I’ve shot this thing? ZERO. The only times I had to take this gun out from underneath this desk was now and during the Changeling invasion.”

She levitated out a modified Glock 23 handgun, but this time from a drawer. “And don’t even get me started on how rare the sun shines on this one.” Now, when I say modified for these weapons, I mean the gun was modified for a pony to use.

“I would ask how many guns you have down there,” I started “but I don’t know if I wanna know the answer.” Pencil looked at me with a face that said ‘are you kidding me’.

“Oh don’t worry, I just have one last gun that I’ll never be allowed to use.” She replied. She pulled out, and I shit you not when I say this, a modified 80.002 Assault Rifle/Grenade Launcher and handed it to me. “This one’s my favorite.”

The 80.002 Double Barrel Assault Rifle, commonly mistaken as an AK-47 with a barrel attachment to use more rounds. This beautiful women of a weapon was never used by the Russian military, although made by Kalashnikov, but found it’s way onto the black market and into the hands of one happy Ex-Thief. I owned the gun for a month before a sniper round tore it to two. I looked up at Pencil with a pleading look. “Can I have it?” I asked sincerely.

Pencil looked at Lyra, who seemed unsure about letting me have it. “I don’t know, you’re going to have to talk to Firewall about it.” Lyra said uneasily as she watched my hug the beauty.

“Anthony!” I turned to my right to find a blinking dotted outline of Anthony’s body standing where he was supposed to be. “Wow, thanks for ditching me man. Hey Ja-” Same thing for where Jack was standing. “I should have expected that.” I turned back towards Pencil and carefully handed her the rifle. “So Miss Heartstrings, can you escort me to the train station so I can meet my handler in Ponyville?”

Lyra nodded and smiled. “Of course Mister Artren, I was already going to Ponyville. Grab your jacket, we leave now.” I did as she told me and grabbed my hoodie from off the desk.

“Ready.” I put up the hood to the robes and waited for Lyra.

“Let’s go.”

====----________----====

I knocked on the door of the small house located in the middle of Ponyville. Lyra left so she can go see someone, halfway through the walk to here. I waited for a minute before knocking again. The door swung open and a extremely pale dragon thrusted a sword in my direction. I grabbed its wrist and dodged the blade before disarming the dragon. I swept its legs out from under it and slammed it to the ground.

“Sutoppu!” I heard a voice order before I can land a hit on the dragon. I looked to the right to see the red unicorn I’m supposed to be reporting to standing in the hallway with a disappointed look on his face and a smoking pipe in his mouth. Strange, I don’t smell smoke. “Anata dare?” He asked in what I think, and I cannot stress the word think enough, was Japanese.

Here we go, time for a shot in the dark. I’ve only learned three Japanese phrases in my entire life. ‘Do you speak English’, ‘Do you speak Russian’, and ‘Where, and how you can get the best ramen in the world’. Let’s hope I don’t get any of them mixed up. “Doko de, sekai de saikō no rāmen o eru koto ga dekimasu ka?” I asked in Japanese, hoping I didn’t say the ramen one.

He gave me a confused look and chuckled. “My father made the best Ramen in the world… your Griffonic accent is heavy.” Gamemaster stated in near perfect English.

“I asked the Ramen one?” I asked as I felt the dragon disappear from my grasp. I looked down to find it gone.

“Yes, you did, but do not worry about it. I know why you’re here.” Gamemaster gestured to the couches to his left. I walked over and took a seat. “I trust that Firewall briefed you already?”

“Yes sir.” I nodded and pulled my hood down. “I have been fully briefed on the situation and understand what I am tasked to do.” I pulled out the mission dossier and handed it to him. “I am to investigate a local trafficking ring that Special Agents Razor Tooth and Raptor were tasked to investigate and terminate.”

He looked over the file and gestured for me to go on. “Uh… with what little I know about the two, I can already tell that they’ll be in a lot of trouble and I’m here to pull their asses out of the fire.” I looked over at the pipe he had in his mouth and realized it was made out of bamboo. “Is that pipe even lit?” A thought escaped my mouth.

Gamemaster looked up and shook his head slowly. “No, I do not smoke and never will. This is a lucky pipe that was given to me by my older brother. It has never touched a single shred of tobacco in all its existence. And I intend to keep it that way.”

I sat back and rested my arm against the back of the couch. “So it’s just for show?”

Gamemaster nodded and went back to reading the dossier. “I keep it with me at all times, much like my chopsticks.” He pulled out a pair of metal chopsticks and twirled them around in his hoof. “I see here that they’ve been missing for a couple days.”

“Two, to be exact.”

“That’s what I said.” He handed me the dossier and a key. “This house will be your base of operations for the duration of your assignment in Ponyville. Every and all agents working in Ponyville have been alerted of your presence and will be keeping a keen eye on you. If you cause problems, both I and Firewall will know of them.” Gamemaster stood up and started to make his way to the door. “Are we understood?”

I stood, put up a salute, and nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. Good luck during your stay in our humble little town.” He stopped and looked at me over his shoulder with a smirk. “You’re going to need it.” He exited and left me to ponder what he said.

“What does he mean by ‘You’re going to need it’?” I thought to myself. “Hey Prophet, you wanna help me with this.”

“No.” He stated bluntly.

“Geez, fine… dick.” There was a knock at the door and I quickly answered it. A hot pink pony with a darker pink mane was standing right outside of my door. “Hello?”

She turned towards me and smiled so wide that I’m surprised her face didn’t split in half. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! You must be new here in Ponyville cause I don’t recognize you and I know everypony in Ponyville! I saw you step off the train with Lyra and I thought ‘Who’s that hiding under the blanket’ and I just had to find out! So, I followed you to here and waited a minute before Gamey left so I can meet you!

“And when Gamey left I came over and knocked on your door! And now here we are sitting here talking! Well we’re not really sitting but sometimes you’re just one step away from sitting! Well anyways what’s your name!?” The pink pony finished her rant of a thousand words a second.

I stood there confused on what to do. I can either be rational and greet her with a smile or I can do it my way and slam the door in her face. “Gurren.” I stated simply. No clue what possesed me and put some sense in my head to get me to tell her my name, but I’m glad it happened.

I mentally smacked myself across the face a couple of times and straightened myself out. “Uh, um… My name’s Gurren, nice to meet you.” I greeted the pink pony. “Real quick, what did you say your name was?”

“I’m Pinkie Pie!” She chirped.

A giant amount of energy encased in a small pink horse? Sounds like something Garrett would have loved. “Nice to meet you Miss Pie.”

Pinkie Pie giggled and pulled a cupcake out of nowhere. “There’s going to be a town-wide meeting at town hall at 6 PM! Everypony in Ponyville is encouraged to come! Welcome to Ponyville Gurren!” She gave me the cupcake and bounced, literally bounced, away.

I sat there a little unsure of how to react to that Wild Wasteland worthy occurrence. “Okay then…” I started “that happened.” I slowly shut the front door and went back to the living room. “Now what do I do?”

“Check over the dossier, look for specifics. What did Firewall give you as intel?” Prophet said.

“Are you reading my thoughts?” I asked/thought.

“Yes.” He replied. I grinned evilly and sat down on the couch. “Don’t you dare.”

“Are you going to keep reading my thoughts?”

“Honestly, I have no choice other than read them.” I leaned back and thought about having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I’m not gonna get into any details, but she was into some kinky shit. “No! Stop! What are you doing?” You can hear the disgust in his voice. “Oh my god! I-is that what I think it is? HOLY FUCK IT IS! WHY - IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY - DOES SHE HAVE THAT?!” I stopped thinking about me using a riding crop on her and went back to having my mind blank. “I FUCKING HATE YOU!”

“Not my problem.” I chuckled to myself and lied down. “I’m just showing you a small portion of what's gonna be going through my head.”

“I’m going to fucking hate you from hell to heaven three times over.” I chuckled to myself some more and stared up at the ceiling.

“Many people do, not surprised you would too.” I stated aloud.