“Hey, hey! Not so loud, all right?”
Elusive turned around, bits of lettuce stuck to his face. He had a wide-eyed stare, like a deer in headlights. His companion’s ears were upright, twitching to catch the tiniest vibration. Elusive closed his eyes, searching for any noise, but found nothing.
“I don’t hear anything, Trix. Quit scaring me like that, you ass.”
“Funny, coming from somepony with a face of—Wait, there it is again.” The Great and Slightly Jitterish Trixie raised his head and shoved a hoof into Elusive’s mouth. “It’s coming from… upstairs?” Trixie’s ears twitched.
Elusive shoved Trixie’s hoof away. “Would you cut that out? There’s nothing upstairs, all right? Okay, well, there probably is, but she’s definitely asleep right now. It’s like two in the morning.”
“She won’t be asleep for long with you banging around like an elephant,” hissed Trixie. He then perked his ears again; they twitched as they seemingly caught a sound. “Odd… why do I hear something vibrating?”
Elusive’s cheeks turned beet red. “Uh… perhaps we shouldn’t have intruded upon a lady’s home this early in the night. If she’s up, she’s probably… grooming.”
“No, no, not like that, you insolent dolt.” Trixie cocked his head. “I hear a faucet running and… is that powder?”
Elusive’s mind whirred, pondering how in Tartarus the Great and Idiotic Trixie had such sensitive hearing. He shook his head before saying, “Come on, let’s just grab what we need and leave before we disturb her. Last thing the poor dear needs is a heart attack.”
“You’re just saying that because that’s what you’d be thinking if you were in her place, you baby.” Trixie shook his head, sighing. “Look, if I’d known you’d be such baby about this whole thing, I never would’ve brought you along.”
“It’s not like I had a choice!” shouted Elusive. “It’s your fault we’re here anyway.”
Trixie rolled his eyes. “Oh, here we go with this again…”
“You idiot! It’s your fault for casting that stupid spell in the first place with that blasted amulet!”
“Well maybe if you didn’t disrupt my focus, I would have succeeded!”
“Well sorry for not letting you blast me to smithereens!”
“It wouldn’t have been smithereens... more like large chunks, all right? And besides, I could’ve put you back together if that happened!”
“I don’t want to be put back together!”
“Then what are you complaining about?”
“That’s not the point!”
“Well, maybe—” Trixie stopped mid sentence as Elusive put his hoof over Trixie’s mouth.
Holding a hoof up to his lips, he made shushing sounds. “Okay, seriously shut up now. I hear her coming downstairs.”
Both ponies went silent, their ears perked up, listening for any minute changes in the silence that hung in the air. Of course, what they got wasn’t so much of a minute change as a loud bang when the door to the kitchen was flung open, revealing a white unicorn with her horn glowing bright blue.
“What is the meaning of this!?” she shouted, looking back and forth between the two of them. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”
Trixie glanced at Elusive, then whipped around without so much as a single word and dove out an open window, leaving the other stallion to stand there dumbstruck.
Elusive felt the tiniest warmth of magic on his chin, nudging his gaze back to the mare before him. With her look of utter—not terror, not not anxiety, not even the slightest hint of uncertainty—anger, he could do nothing but shiver and sweat as he took in her magnificent form. An irritated female… dilated eyes, increased blood flow, and darkness under her eyes. Oh Solaris, why did I have to disturb her on that time of month?
Regardless of her monthly status, the mare before him took the moment to give him a once-over before clicking her tongue. “Tsk tsk, a stallion of such refinement driven to petty thievery? Did some Canterlot noble strip you of your title, casting you out of the home? Or are you merely a con-pony, here to learn all my secrets?”
“Uh… no?” Elusive took a step back, flicking his eyes left and right for an exit. The mare took a step forward, and then another, forcing Elusive back until his hiney bumped against the kitchen counter. “I, uh, just needed a little food while I found a way home…”
“Uhuh…” The mare’s eyes stared into his soul, her muzzle only a few inches from his own, her breath warm on his snout. “And why would I believe that, do tell?”
Elusive closed his eyes as sweat poured down his face like a waterfall. Quick, Elusive ol’ chap. How would you be placated if a beautiful mare broke into your home and robbed it?
A tiny lightbulb lit up in his head. Elusive rolled his eyes. Oh yeah. Flattery, duh.
Putting on his most smoldering of smoldering looks, Elusive said, “My, you’re looking lovely tonight, aren’t you, my dear? Oh, is that La Soie D’araignée you’re wearing?” He paused, waiting to see how the mare reacted. She didn’t immediately strike him, so that was a good sign. He decided to press on. “And your mane, you simply must tell me who your stylist is, darling. By the way, do you come here often? I feel I haven’t seen a face as pretty as yours in years.”
The mare raised an eyebrow. “I live here. You do realize this is my home, yes? And for your information, I collected the materials and weaved it myself. Spiders and all.”
“Oh, but of course. Only one so talented and beautiful as yourself could make such a thing.” Elusive waggled his stylish eyebrows, remembering the time he nearly knocked out Barbs for such a thing. Surprisingly—or not—the mare was unimpressed.
“Your words are flattering, but insincere,” she said, her magic horn glowing as she opened a drawer to pull out a sharp instrument. “Do you know what we do to naughty stallions who lie to pretty ponies?”
Snip, snip, went the scissors as she snapped them in the air. Elusive closed his eyes and squeezed his hindlegs together. Oh great, this is the end. I can’t believe it had to end like this… I’m sorry my precious gems, papa did his best.
Snip.
Elusive waited for the pain, the agony, but nothing came. Still shaking, he uncovered one eye… to see the scissors cutting off a single lock of his mane. The warm glow of magic caught the lock and floated toward the mare.
“Hmph.” The mare smiled as she tossed the lock into the trash. “You had an atrocious cowlick from what looks like a harsh adventure. Be grateful I relieved you of such a horror before you dare present yourself to the rest of Ponyville.”
His muscles relaxed and Elusive sighed. “Oh, thank Equestria for your mercy. Please, I mean no harm. And thank you.”
“Oh, don’t thank me yet,” the mare said, moving to place the scissors back where they belonged. “I am not feeling quite as… hospitable as I should be. I require tea to calm my nerves, if you don’t mind such a chore?”
“Of course!” Elusive nearly skipped for an opportunity. A chance to not only atone for his crime, but a chance to get on the good graces of the villagers. He lit up his horn turned to the side, reaching for the teapot and the appropriate teabags from their hiding places, knowing which flavors to choose for the situation. The mare merely watched, mumbling and making slight nods as she examined his before. Just as Elusive put the teapot on the stove, the mare cleared her throat.
“Interesting,” the mare said as she ran a hoof through her mane. “I’m sure Twilight would find this fascinating, as do I.”
Elusive raised his head as he prepared the teacups. “Did you say something, my lady?”
“Yes, and I propose a question,” the mare said, narrowing her eyes. “It is quite fascinating to see that your mark of destiny is disturbingly similar to moi.”
Oh my. Elusive began to sweat again, searching for an answer. “I… Uh… I’m a huge fan?”
“Of course you are, darling. Who wouldn’t be?” the mare said, waving a casual hoof. “I see such a devoted fan would instantly know where I hide my most delectable tea from Sweetie under the rye. Such a devoted fan, indeed.”
S-she knows! Elusive gulped. “I assure you, it’s not what you—”
“Your odd familiarity with my home. Knowledge of my secrets! Impeccable fashion sense! It’s obvious” The mare raised a hoof and pointed at him. “You’re my long-lost twin brother separated at birth!”
Elusive blinked, and then again for dramatic effect. “...No.”
“Shame,” the mare said, fluttering her eyelashes. “I was hoping you were related, so I wouldn’t have to…” Elusively tried backing away, but the counter yet again blocked his escape as the mare’s hips swayed with each step toward him.
“I can tell that you’re… exhausted and need some bed rest,” the mare said, licking her hips as her horn lit up. “Perhaps we shall, as they say, hit the sack and worry about your troubles in the morning. We have much to ‘talk’ about.”
He felt the strong pull of magic slide him across the kitchen floor as the mare turned around and headed toward the stairs of his boutique. Elusive’s heart hammered in his chest as his face turned the color of Big Gala’s during a chick flick. “B-but, I don’t even know your name!”
The mare turned around and threw a flirtatious smile. “I am Lady Rarity, and you’ll never forget it.”
Oh shi—
Trixie sprinted away from the house as fast as his legs could carry him. The thought of leaving Elusive behind didn’t even bother him for a second, but the thought of being caught and possibly arrested most certainly did. He cast a quick glance back at the evil boutique, expecting to see some kind of horrible ritual or something going on, and in his haste he tripped headlong over a, well, something anyway. Hitting the ground with a thud, he rolled over, clutching his stomach.
“Gah, what the heck was that?” He turned to look at what had caused him to trip and saw another figure on the ground. It looked like a pony, but he couldn’t be sure, so he tried call out to it. “Hey, you, are you a you, or are you an it?”
“Trixie is neither a you nor an it! Trixie is Trixie!” shouted the figure, picking itself up and staring angrily at Trixie.
Trixie’s brow creased. “I know I’m not a you or an it. I was asking about you.”
“Trixie said that she was not a you!” shouted the figure again.
“Hang on a sec, we need to get some light in here,” said Trixie, lighting up his horn. The soft glow illuminated both ponies’ faces, and Trixie’s jaw dropped.
“You look just like me!” the pair shouted in unison.
“Except Trixie is obviously much prettier, that much goes without saying,” said Trixie with a flick of her mane and a gentle “hmph”.
Trixie laughed. “And I am quite more handsome, if I may say so myself, fair maiden.”
“My, my, my, you are an insolent whelp, aren’t you?” said Trixie. She crinkled her nose. “Where do you come from, and who are you?”
Trixie put a hoof to his chin and thought about this for a moment, realizing he had no good answer. “Well, I’m from here… but not here, and I’m you… but not you.”
Trixie blinked a few times. “Are you deliberately trying to confuse Trixie?”
“Do you like peanut butter crackers?” Trixie said, reaching into his cape. Nopony enjoyed them like he did, considering that they ended up licking the roof of their mouths for hours afterwards. Only a brave few risked that.
Trixie’s ears flicked, her tongue slipping out of her mouth ever so slightly. “Trixie… does enjoy the occasional morsel, yes.” She lit up her horn before Trixie could offer them, snatching them up and tossing it into her open mouth. It was a miracle her stomach hadn’t grumbled with those treats before her. “Ah, the Great and Female Trixie is now sated. What does the handsome colt have to say to Trixie?”
Oh lord, the third-pony is annoying, Trixie thought with a roll of his eyes. Thank goodness Dusk talked me out of that… before I, well, took over his Ponyville. I should probably take care of that soon… “Yes, actually. If you’re really me, and I’m really you, then you should know that I am looking for the Alicorn Amulet.”
“Interesting… Trixie finds it,” Trixie said as she started to circle around him. “The Alicorn Amulet… Trixie knows of it, of course. Trixie used it to combat the less powerful and less charming Twilight Sparkle. Trixie lost, no fault of her own of course.”
“”Of course.”
“But it was taken from her after the battle, by—Wait, Trixie doth protest too much. If Trixie is to give such vital information, Trixie requires a price be met.”
Trixie cocked his head. Wait a moment… “I’m not here for your amulet, I’m here for mine. The explo—Er, when I got here, it broke into three fragments. Once I get those, I’m out of your mane for good.”
“Trixie knows this, yes, but Trixie wonders why Trixie would want find a mere pile of rubble when Trixie can ask the zebra who already has,” Trixie said, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight. “So Trixie offers a deal.”
Trixie sighed, knowing it was pointless now. That zebra obviously doesn’t live with Dusk, or Twilight whatever in this world. “Alright, I’ll bite. Where’s the zebra?”
“Oh ho ho,” Trixie said, licking her lips afterwards. “Trixie tells you after Trixie gives Trixie what Trixie wants.”
Oh my Solaris, that is really getting annoying. “Sure, fine, whatever. What is it?”
“A kiss.”
Trixie opened his mouth to speak, but wisely closed it. Wise, considering his current thoughts consisted of You see your double from an alternate universe walking and talking right in front of you, with all the possibilities laid out, and you want a #&@ing kiss? He shook his head. Priorities, priorities.
He took in a deep breath, and then let it out. “... Fine.”
Trixie smiled wickedly. Licking her lips, she closed her eyes and leaned in towards Trixie. Trixie swallowed hard, thinking to himself, Am I seriously about to make out with myself? Wait, is it actually making out with myself? I mean, technically I’m me and she’s her, so… is it still weird? It’s not like she’s a clone, or something. This is is an alternate universe… I think. Wait, is this an alternate universe? Where the hell am I anyway? What’s going— Trixie was stopped mid thought as Trixie’s lips reached his lips.
The first thing Trixie noticed was not that Trixie was an exceptionally good kisser, because of course she would be, he was, but that she tasted like peanut butter, which, given his own affinity for peanut butter, didn’t really bother him, but it did make him question a few things in his life. As Trixie sat there, passionately kissing himself, or someone who looked very much like him, he wondered about a few things. He wondered how things had ended up this way, where it had all gone wrong, or right, depending on your point of view. He’d been an extremely successful stage performer (or so he told himself), and now he was sucking his own face.
Trixie broke away from the kiss, licking her lips again. “Well,” she mused, “that was delightful. Trixie supposes that that was an acceptable payment, so now she will tell you what you want to know.”
“What did I want to know again?” asked Trixie, still in a bit of a daze over the whole situation. “Something about… uhh, something.”
“You were looking for the three shards of the Alicorn Amulet, and Trixie was about to tell you where the first one was,” said Trixie with more than a hint of annoyance.
“Right, right,” said Trixie, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. “So, where is it then?”
Trixie lifted a hoof and pointed towards an ominous-looking forest in the distance. “You’ll find the first piece there, deep within the Everfree Forest!” Lighting split the sky, despite the fact that there were no storm clouds, or any clouds at all for that matter.
“Uh, okay,” said Trixie, rubbing the back of his neck. “So, where in the Everfree Forest—” lighting snapped again “—might I find it, exactly?”
“Huh? Oh, right,” Trixie put a hoof to her chin, tapping it lightly. “Trixie recalls having seen the zebra carrying a piece of it earlier on, while she was, er, taking a stroll near Twilight’s library.”
Raising an eyebrow, Trixie said, “Why were you hanging around Dus—Twilight’s library? Wait… don’t tell me you’re—”
The look on Trixie’s face was enough to shut Trixie up. He snapped his mouth shut, and Trixie said, “Nevermind that. The point is that Trixie saw the zebra with the amulet, and that’s all you need to know.”
Trixie nodded. “Right, well then, I guess I’ll go see Zachary, or whatever her name is here.”
“Yes, you do that,” said Trixie, turning away from him and back towards the town. “Trixie is going to, er, return to her… stroll.”
Watching Trixie walk away, more like slink away, he thought. Trixie found himself turning back to the shady forest looming in the distance. “So,” he muttered, “the Everfree Forest, huh?”
Lightning crackled loudly.
He rolled his eyes. “I forgot how annoying that was… Everfree Forest.”
Lightning crackled once again as the unicorn took off to the forest.
Elusive opened his eyes. Not all at once, but slowly and with care. Light trickled through his eyelids, alerting him that he was not wearing his nightmask and therefore not in his home. He briefly wondered if he had finally been laid with one of the farmponies, or if Dusk had finally worked up the courage to develop his nerve—or worse, considering the alchemy he delved into. Maybe his spa trip with Butterscotch had taken a turn for the daring and the consumption of alcohol had taken place.
He held his head, discovering it was not, indeed, throbbing in pain. If it weren’t one of his friends, he might have been with an actual mare, if anypony would believe it. Heh, looks like Applejack owes me five. Elusive rolled over in bed to admire the sleep form of his lover: himself.
His eyes snapped open as the memories of the night before flooded in. Oh lord, I didn’t… sleep with her, did I? Elusive attempted to sit up from the bed, to step out and tiptoe downstairs, but a pair of marshmallow forelegs wrapped around his chest and squeezed. Elusive let out a tiny squeak that would have made Butterscotch look masculine in comparison.
“Oh Applejack, your flanks are so tone,” Rarity mumbled as her hooves slipped lower. Elusive held his breath, praying to Solaris—or whatever sun princess lived in the realm—that he would survive the morning once the mare woke up. “I’d like to buck your apples sometime…”
That is something I’d like to avoid, Elusive thought, sweat beading down his forehead. Though I see we share a common taste in the ponies of earth. Maybe… I can work this to my advantage. He gathered saliva and sloshed it around his throat, wettening his dry, morning mouth. He breathed in, praying his ploy would work.
In his best country accent, Elusive said, “G’mornin’ sugarcube. Glad y’all liked my dixon cider, but now my tummy’s rumblin’ for some grub. Fix me some pie?”
“Yes, of course, darling,” Rarity mumbled as she relaxed her grip and rolled out of bed. She smacked her lips, and then left the bedroom. Elusive sat still for another minute, waiting for the bangs of pots downstairs.
“Ah…” Elusive sighed, wiping his forehead. I wasn’t sure if my grogginess was the same in my female counterpart. Glad to know that’s the case, even if—
“Hey Rarity!” a young, chirpy filly cried downstairs. “Can I borrow one of your fancy dresses for a date? Please? Please? Pretty, pretty please?”
“Of course, Sweetie Belle,” Rarity said.
Elusive jumped out of bed and ran to the top of the stairs, his heart rate raised to dangerous levels. That is wrong on several levels! Rarity needs coffee, fast! Elusive paused as something occurred to him. Why aren’t I…? Oh, it must be the imminent cardiac arrest. At least the adrenaline is keeping me awake. Wait, where was I…? Oh yes, not the dresses!
Like a superpony racing to save a damsel in distress, Elusive leaped off the top of the stairs to save Rarity’s dresses from utter peril.
And landed flat on his face.
Elusive groaned as he picked himself up. Forgot I don’t have wings right now. I should really learn that spell someday.
“Rarity!” Sweetie Belle shrieked as Rarity placed a plate of eggs in front of her. “I didn’t know you had such a cute coltfriend!”
Grinning, Elusive opened his aching mouth to say, “I’m afraid it’s not—”
“Yes, he is quite the catch,” Rarity said in a monotone as she set a steaming cup of coffee on the table, sitting down next to her sister. “He will be mine.” Elusive slinked toward the kitchen, waving at the filly with a meek smile.
Sweetie Belle smiled back as she took a bite of her toast. “Did you show him the pretty rock you found?”
Rarity took a sip of her coffee, returning just a bit of color to her pale face. “No… Twilight has it, Sweetie. I promised…” She trailed off, staring down at her coffee. After what seemed like a heartbeat, she turned her head toward Elusive. “I have business to take care of, darling. Twilight has what you seek.”
“But—” Elusive’s mind began to fill with questions, but Rarity raised her hoof and shook her head. Without a word, she pointed toward the door. Elusive bowed his head and made his way to the exit. He had a job to do.
Elusive paused the moment the door slammed shut behind him. That’s odd… My memory is foggy from last night. He looked up at the rising sun, feeling the warm rays soak his coat. Did I get laid or not?
The sun was slowly rising in the sky by the time Trixie got as deep as he was into the forest. However, it was difficult for the light to penetrate the thick foliage, so it still seemed like nighttime to Trixie. Pulling a couple burrs out of his coat with his teeth, he cursed the forest for the hundredth time.
“It’s only been a few hours and I’m sick of this place already, gah!” He spit the burrs on to the ground, shaking his hoof at them. “Solaris take this place!”
Sighing, Trixie pushed on, weaving in and out of the hanging branches, through the bushes, and over rocks, all the while thinking to himself, Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to Trixie. How do I even know I can trust her, anyway? If it were me, which I guess it is in a way, wouldn’t I have just led myself astray for the fun of it? He paused, bringing a hoof to his chin. On the other hand, would I really trick myself into wasting my own time? Probably not, but still… I can’t help but feel I’m just wandering aimlessly at this point. It’s not even like our zebras live in the same place, so I can’t just follow my instincts.
Trixie scrambled to the top of a large rock and surveyed the surrounding area. He took note of the fact that it was exactly like the last area he had stopped to survey, and yet he was pretty sure he wasn’t in the same place. Groaning, Trixie said, “It’s like everything in this place is deliberately designed to piss me off. I forgot how much I hated coming to the Everfree Forest.”
Overhead, lightning crackled, lighting the forest floor for a moment.
Just then, something caught Trixie’s eye. He turned to see the tail end of a figure disappearing behind a tree. Cocking his head in curiosity, Trixie leapt off the rock and followed behind the figure as quietly as he could. Taking cover behind a tree, he peered around the side and saw a cloaked pony bending over to pick some purple flowers. As she placed them in a basket, Trixie saw something on her hoof.
Ah, a zebra, not a pony… Wait!
“Hey, you!” he shouted, holding out his hoof.
The zebra turned around, lowering her hood at the same time. She had a pretty face, or so Trixie thought anyway. It was sharp and pointed, but the way the stripes were made her look, well, exotic, he supposed. After staring into her eyes for a moment, she finally spoke. “Can I help you, colt of ocean blue?”
Trixie laughed awkwardly, rubbing his neck as he approached her. “Yeah, actually. Um, I was told that you might have something I’m looking for. It’s a piece of ruby, probably a large chunk about this size.” He held his two front hooves an inch or so apart. “It’ll probably look like it’s cracked.”
The zebra hummed quietly. After a moment, she smiled. “Yes, I have what you seek: the stone for the weak. Traveler who appears weary, shall we leave the forest ‘tis dreary?”
Trixie nodded. “Yeah, let’s do that. Are you… around here somewhere?”
“Indeed, your travels will soon end. Just beyond that… lies home, my friend.”
Trixie followed behind the zebra as she led him down a winding path through the forest. It didn’t seem to take that long, but by the time they reached the hut he assumed was her home, it was already closing in on noon. Man, he thought, even Zack’s place didn’t look this shabby before he moved in with Twilight. What’s up with this world, huh? Is everyone just poor or something?
“That’s, uhh… a nice place you got there, umm—”
“Zecora is my name [stuff]”
“Ah, well then, Zecora,” said Trixie, nodding towards the hut, “do you want to show me the stone I’m looking for? It’s kinda important that I get it back, for reasons I can’t really get into.”
“Of course, do not ask thrice. You shall get the stone… for a price.”
Trixie hesitated a moment, shrinking back a bit. “Well, what do you want in return? Bits? Jewelry?” I’m almost afraid to find out.
Without saying a word, Zecora opened the door to her home and gestured for Trixie to enter. Gulping, he did as he was told and quietly entered the zebra’s hut. It smelled like dead things inside. Dead things and dried things. The smell was overwhelming, but Trixie fought back the urge to go bolting out the door again. I can’t run away now. I’ll just find out where she’s keeping the stone, grab it and run.
He heard a click behind him. Trixie whipped around, seeing Zecora standing in front of the door with a sultry expression on her face. She slipped out of her cloak and sidled up next to Trixie. Running her hoof along his side, she said, “A stallion figure must be so sleek, for a traveler to be so weak. Why not rest a bit and pray, and join me for a moment’s lay?”
Oh, for the love Solaris, not again! Trixie bit his lip, trying his best to slink away from Zecora without looking like he was fleeing. “Look, I just want the stone, okay? I’ll take it by force if I have to.”
Zecora grinned slyly. She turned around and shook her tail. “A stallion must be prepared to use force, if he is to find his way to the source,” she said with a smirk.
Trixie looked up at the ceiling, silently praying to himself. Solaris save me.
Solaris looked away from the crown in his hooves, feeling a disturbance ripple through the dimensional barrier. “My word…”
“Is there something wrong, Prince Solaris?” Dusk Shine said, hopping up from his resting position. “Did the Element of Magic show you anything about his whereabouts? Is Elusive okay?”
“No…” Solaris said, shaking his head. “The Element of Magic did indeed tell me about the wellbeing of Elusive, as well as the one known as Trixie. But… I’m not quite sure if I should… Dusk Shine, fetch me Artemis’s abacus.”
“Uh, okay?” Dusk Shine lit up his horn and conjured up the abacus from the castle’s library. He levitated it to Prince Solaris, transferring it to his magical grip. “But how will that help?
“Keeping track,” Solaris mumbled as he adjusted the numbers. “Say, my student, how do you feel about a little bet?”
“What kind of bet?” Dusk Shine cocked his head. “What does this have to do with anything?”
“Oh, you know.” Prince Solaris waved a hoof. “Something something, birds and the bees.”
Dusk’s ears laid flat on his head as he shot his prince a glare.
Prince Solaris grinned, showing off his pearly whites. The maids tending to the throne room immediately fainted. “Trixie. Fifty bits.”
“... You’re on.”
