The Placement Agency

2pm, Friday, 28th day of Summer’s Height, Canterlot High Courthouse, Judge’s Chambers.

Special Inquiry Meeting: Judge Rock, Presiding.
Atny Chaser, Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight Sparkle, High Prosecutor White Cravat present.
Judge’s Notes: Both Princesses appear surprisingly calm if a bit harried. Atny Chaser looks nervous, Prosecutor Cravat is as unflappable as always,

“I hope no pony here minds if I have some notes taken for my files. My memory isn’t what it used to be, I fear.” Judge Rock chuckles at his own joke, but only the Princesses and the Prosecutor crack a smile.

Atny Chaser is dry-washing his hooves when he speaks. “Your honor, I don’t suppose it’s possible that I can ask after Miss Daisybloom’s health?”

Princess Celestia speaks in her cool, professional voice. “She’s managing, Chaser. Princess Cadence is tending to her as we speak, and has informed me that she will be fine now that we have absorbed her into the royal household. With a pony to directly serve, her new instincts are far easier to keep under control.” She pauses for a moment, then softens. “I consider a mark of your considerable character that you’ve asked that, Dizzy. I am very sorry you’ve been roped into this mess after all you have done for Equestria in the pursuit of justice. ”

Atny Chaser swallows. “Princess, everypony has the right to competent representation. Whatever I might personally think of my clients is irrelevant. I will defend them to the bitter end, as I have every one of my clients. It's not justice if we do not have all of the facts.” He pauses, turning to the judge. “Though I must repeat my strident request to have the charges against Golden Apple dropped immediately, your honor. There is no reason for um… her… to be in that courtroom. It’s only vaguely arguable that Quill Tip ought to be there herself.” He huffs and crosses his forelegs over his chest, mussing up his tie.

Judge Rock hems. “I will consider that request for Golden Apple in light of the new facts about Miss Daisybloom, but she will be required to testify today on the matter of…” He lifts a paper. “Our next witness, Mister Bluefeather. Or is it Miss Bluefeather now, Princess?”

Princess Twilight coughs. “We’re still not certain how to handle Bluefeather’s gender fluidity, your honor. He has requested to be continually referred to as a He for the time being, regardless of his appearance.” She adjusts her crown, looking uncomfortable. “He’s not the only one with the issue, so we’re working on it.”

The judge nods, then gets stern. “I am faced with a quandary, Attorney Chaser, Prosecutor Cravat. In order for this court to assess the appropriate charges to be filed, we require an Inquiry to be carried out to the fullest. However, it has become clear that nearly all of our witnesses will undoubtedly suffer from many of the same problems as Miss Daisybloom did. I will not have my courtroom turned into a media circus waiting for the next lurid tale of victim’s breaking down in my courtroom into fetish-speak.” The judge grimaces at this. “Yet I am bound by law to allow observers in the gallery. So tell me, gentlecolts. What does a responsible judge do at a trying time like this?”

Prosecutor Cravat clears his throat, “If I may, your honor?” The Judge nods. “I have already spoken with all of our witnesses, and they have assured me that they are both willing and prepared to deal with the stresses of the stand. We did not have sufficient time to prep Miss Daisybloom for her new testimony, as she insisted she didn’t wish anypony else to be a part of her ‘healing’.” He looks annoyed for a moment, a rarity for him. “Obviously, we will not allow this to happen again.”

Atny Chaser raises a hoof. “Lady Elegant has informed me that she wishes all of these testimonies to be public, your honor. She insists they will clear her ‘good name’ from the charges levelled by the crown.”

Princess Twilight snorts angrily. “She’s not getting out from under the substance charges. We’ve got more than enough evidence to seize her whole damned estate in fines.”

Princess Celestia, firmly: “Twilight, we’re not here to discuss the irrefutable evidence.”

Atny Chaser, coughing once, “Be that as it may Princess, my client has insisted upon an open Inquiry, and will not accept anything less.” He sighs softly. “However, she is willing to concede that the Court may be adjourned at any time to allow a witness to recover their senses should that be necessary. She will raise no objections, even if this draws out the Inquiry period.”

Judge Rock glances between the pair of them, then grumbles. “Very well. We will proceed with the Inquiry, but if I feel at any time that an adjournment is necessary, I will not accept any objections to it.” He points his hoof at Atny Chaser. “As for your clients, Mister Chaser, I will consider your motion following Golden Apple’s testimony. I expect she is prepared to describe her involvement in Mister Bluefeather’s case, yes?”

Atny Chaser sighs. “I certainly hope so, your honor.”

~~~~~~~~~

Special Case Inquiry, Day 2. Please see previous file for full details.

Judge Rock - Court is now in session!

{gavel bangs}

Judge Rock - Miss Apple-

Golden Apple - Squeak Pony!

{Shocked murmuring from the audience echoes throughout the chamber…}

Judge Rock - Order in the court! Order, I say! Miss… Squeak, then. Do you understand why you’ve been called to the stand?

Golden Apple - Uh huh. Mister Lawyer says I gotta tell you what I did with Missy Featherhead!

Judge Rock - Uh…. {The Judge glances to the Bailiff, who nods.} Yes, that is correct. Would you please…

Atny Chaser - Your honor, If I may? I will be able to help direct Miss Squeak’s testimony so that we might get through this before dinner time.

Judge Rock- HIghly unorthodox, Mister Chaser. But in the interest of keeping this inquiry moving along, I shall allow it. Ahem. This court will now hear the testimony of Miss Squeak Pony.

Atny Chaser - Hey Squeak, are you ready? {The Pony on the stand nods happily.} Okay, Now, for right now, I’d like you to tell the nice Judge about how you met Bluefeather.

Golden Apple -Okie dokie! Um… Okay, so one day I was working for Fizzykins down in his lab when Miz Ellie told us we had to deal with a new customer.

Judge Rock - … Fizzykins? Miz Ellie?

Golden Apple- Uh huh! Fizzy Pop and Elegant! Fizzykins!

{She beams at Fizzy Pop, who actually unbends enough to smile a little at her.}

Golden Apple - So anyhoot, I got Fizzykins his ingredients and Miz Ellie suddenly tells me I need to um… Give a little donation for the new customer. Says he’s just like I was before I got fixed up right proper, and says he needs my help!

{Golden Apple clasps her hooves to her chest with a squeaky noise, her big eyes shimmering with barely withheld tears.}

I couldn’t imagine not helping somepony like me! So I went into the back room and I started diddling my toyhole with my favorite stallion cock and-

Judge Rock - Miss Squeak, please! The court does not need to hear the lurid details of your private life!

Golden Apple - But… I needed to do it I could give Fizzykins my marejuices for his special soda!

Judge Rock - What?!

Atny Chaser - Your honor, I can explain this….

Fizzy Pop - Don’t bother, Chaser. I’ll do it. {Fizzy Pop stands up, and faces the bench.} Squeak Pony here was my very first effort when developing my serum. She was thus an imperfect example of what my serum could accomplish, as I overdosed her with the Discordite flowers and several other components by accident. The resulting changes to her physiology granted her bodily fluids several unique alchemical properties that I am still fully investigating the effects of, but one of which is that her… sexual juice is a powerful catalyst ingredient that can be used in substitute for several other more expensive plants.

Judge Rock - You realize what you are implicating yourself in, do you not, Mister Pop?

Fizzy Pop - I will be vindicated when I finally am given the chance to testify your honor.

Judge Rock - Hrm. Please continue, Miss... Squeak.

Golden Apple - Um, well… I don’t know what just happened but… But Fizzykins is a good stallion! He takes care of me, and makes sure I’m nice and creamy all the time. {The witness wiggles in the stand} Featherbrain needed his help. My help too. So he wouldn’t have to be so confused about everything all the time and-

Judge Rock - That is enough, Miss Squeak. Attorney Chaser, please recall your client. It is clear I will need more information from Mister Bluefeather before I can render any sort of verdict on the status of Miss Gol - Squeak.

Atny Chaser - Yes, your honor. C’mon back Squeaker. You can sit next to me.

Golden Apple - Yay!

~~~~Canterlot Guard HQ~~~~

One Month Earlier

Crown V. NLPA, Investigation Recording #38

The voice of First Detective Rich Tracer comes through the speakers, weary and scratchy with age.

Fizzy Pop, Unicorn. Born in Baltimare, age forty-two. Born to father Club Soda and mother Tipsy Kettle, both unicorns. Cutecenera at age six after he brewed his first carbonated drink with little more than some copper tubing and a glass mason jar. Father died in an alchemical accident working for Filthy Rich industries, explosion in the lab due to unknown causes. Family received full accidental death compensation, Mom eventually remarried to a Doctor Hemlock but they’re both clean as whistles. He attended Johnny Hop University at age fourteen with a full scholarship from the hoof-up program, aiming for a degree in practical Alchemy. That’s where things started going off the rails.

He was given sixteen citations for unauthorized experimentation over his four years with the school. Four a year, every year. Just few enough to keep him on the scholarship program. Professors cite him as being ‘frighteningly brilliant but socially inadaptable,’ and was suggested for psychological counseling which never got carried out. Graduated summa-cum-laude with a bachelors, and then got his masters a year later in practical alchemy research. Applied for a position with Canterlot Alchemists Society, which was denied due to mental health concerns, then he drops off the radar for a few years. He pops up out of nowhere and submits a doctor’s thesis to Johnny Hop, which is accepted without prejudice and then he vanishes again after collecting his paperwork.

The sound of a pile of paper smacking into a desk, and a squeaking slide of a chair screech in the recording.

Guy is a complete ghost for nearly a decade until he applies for an Alchemist license in Canterlot four years ago. He’s got his papers and no citations on his name, so he gets it. Audible, angry snort. Hate to be the poor fuck who ended up issuing it right now.

A second voice speaks up - Prince Shining Armor, his words faintly slurred.

Not our department, Tracy. That’s the Princess’ job and be glad we’re not the ones who hafta do it.

Detective Tracer chuckles richly.

You never should’a left Canterlot, Shiny. Fuck it. This scumbag’s our business now, and he’s been talking up a storm.

Slamming of paper folders onto a table

I spend a decade of my life trying to find the fuck who’d been selling high-end recreational drugs to dealers in Canterlot, and then he walks his ass right into my precinct and looks me dead in the eye and tells me it was him. Fucker’s been supplying the market with the kind of skill we thought we had all locked up with the Society. Fifteen years of skill, no less. Guy’s the source of half the new club drugs on the street and he’s probably got more dirt on Canterlot society than the Princess’ do.

Shining Armor chuckles back, and the sounds of a chair squeak through the speaker

I wouldn’t be too sure of that one, Tracy. But seriously, what are we going to do about this guy? He keeps saying he’s got something we want, but he won’t tell us what it is until the Princess talks to him.

Muffled muttering, then the sound of a door swinging open. Prince Armor speaks

What’s up? Oh, right. Kill the recorder Tracy, looks like we need to have a word with this Quill Tip guy.

~~~~Canterlot~~~~

Present Day

Judge Rock - This court calls Mister Bluefeather to the stand!

Double Scoop’s Notes: ‘Mister’ Bluefeather is a mare to all physical appearances. A blue-coated pegasus, with a bright feather for a cutie mark and a wild, silky mane of various shades of blue. ‘He’ is absolutely beautiful, the very picture of pegasi aesthetic beauty, and every step is an invitation for every single male in the room to stare at her. ‘He’ walks down the aisle to the stand and sits upon the Witness’ chair, looking less than perky in attitude despite his killer looks.

Judge Rock - Mister Bluefeather, thank you for your time today. You indicated to this court that there are things you wished to testify about regarding the charges?

Bluefeather - Y-yes, your honor. Um… I would ask the Court to not think too hard about me as another gender though. I’d rather avoid… embarrassment with the way things are.

Judge Rock - So noted. Please proceed with your testimony.

~~~~~Two years ago~~~~~

When I first heard about the New Life Placement Agency, I was pretty dubious they’d be able to do anything for me. Being gay isn’t exactly something out of place these days, but there’s always been a really strong… how do I put this? The guys who’s barn doors swing the way I do tend to like Stallions who are Stallions. You can be submissive, sure, but you need to be tough and strong all the same or you don't get much attention. There ain’t too many who go for ponies like me who want to filly it up. Not to say I’m gender dysphoric, I just like being pretty ya dig?

Yeah, I crossdress amongst other things. Hey, what can I say? Panties are soft and comfortable and fun to sleep in. So are corsets, oddly enough. Whatever. Finding dates was hard enough without going to a dating agency that wouldn’t understand what I wanted. I forgot about the company for a while and went about my business, lived my life, yadda yadda… Look, a lot of things happened between finding the flyer and going in, okay?

I met somepony who’d been involved with the company before I was. Somepony I knew before she was… different. Golden Apple, cute earth pony mare with ah… extra equipment. She liked guys, and she especially liked giving guys a ride with her special bits, but in Canterlot? She usually had to go to one of the less than savory clubs to get that kind of attention. We’d shacked up for a while, but it wasn’t going to work between us. She was too much the mare to really turn my crank, and even she was a bit weirded out by my dress choices.

Then all of a sudden, poof, out of nowhere she shows up at my door in the middle of the night looking like… Well, like a sex toy you’d buy at a really high end shop.

Alright, lemme be absolutely clear here. I’ve been in those special clubs in the noble quarter no one likes to admit exists, okay? Where ponies get locked into those encasement suits or physically altered so nopony can recognize em, and get turned into sexual party favors. I’ve been there, once or twice. Hell, I even did it myself once, just to get a feel for it. Not my scene, but was still wicked intense. But that wasn’t what was going on with her. Those suits, those alterations you can tell where the pony begins and the costume ends.

She looked like she was made from the suit. Like she’d merged with it, become one with the suit. She wasn’t wearing rubber or latex, she was made of the stuff. She was just as bouncy and happy as ever, but… Celestia help me, that was a fucked up thing to see! I damn near lost my cool, and then I realized she was already inside. “What the hell happened to you, Goldie?” I’d almost yelled at her, and the door slammed behind me as I shut it. I couldn’t let the neighbors see her like this, what the heck would they think of it?

She just giggled and did as little pirouette in the middle of the room before talking. Her voice was the same as it used to be, but now it kinda fit her… squeakiness. “I’ve come to help fix you, Featherbrain!” She said in this bright, isn’t-this-obvious tone of voice that made me a little wary. I’d had ponies try to ‘fix’ me before, ya see? Usually not in good ways. But she kept going on, oblivious as always. “We can help you so you’ll never have to worry about stallions not liking the way you dress ever again!”

That got my attention real fast. Goldie had always known about my problem, and she knew how important it was to me. I’d always just figured I’d end up finding some nice big hung stallion and faking it for the rest of my life, but… “What do you mean, fixing me?” I’d asked her in a cold, kinda suspicious tone. Somepony had really done a number on her, and I wasn’t about to walk into this without knowing what was up. Still, I had a little bit of hope.

The way she’d smiled at me, I shoulda known better.

~~~~~~

Judge Rock - Do you care to explain why Miss Squeak did not provide this testimony, Mister Chaser?

Atny Chaser - She quite literally can’t recall the event, your honor.

Judge Rock - … Explain yourself.

Atny Chaser - Miss Squeak was ordered to forget that she’d gone to Mister Bluefeather’s home in order to bring him back to the Agency, and so she did. She’s also been ordered to forget and remember any number of a thousand other things over the course of her employment. She cannot disobey those orders when they’ve been given by someone she considers a lawful authority. Due to the… unique nature of her condition, she is no more capable of being guilty of these crimes than a young foal would be guilty of carrying a murderers weapon since they were told to..

Judge Rock - If you are that confident, Mister Chaser, then I should like her examined by Princess Cadence and several other physicians. Should this prove to be accurate, I will consider declaring her unfit to stand trial. Until such time however, Mister Bluefeather has more testimony to give.

~~~~~~~~

You know that old saying, ‘if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is’? Yeah, I kept getting that feeling as she took me back to this place. I’d still had that flyer by the way, and I’d stuck it into my saddlebags on the way there. I didn’t know why. I still don’t. You end up in that place when you’ve been with the company long enough, you know? You get to accept that there’s shit you don’t get to know the reason for, and you adjust to deal with it.

You’ve already heard Daisy’s testimony, so you know what I went through. It’s the same for everypony who walks through the door. I got to know Daisy a bit, you know? I met her just after I got my spicy pop. It tasted like peppers and tomatoes for me. She was absolutely fuckin’ high as a kite on her job. She had a big smile on and was all pride and enthusiasm, and we chatted a bit about the Agency. She kept praising all the good they’d done for her, until this mare wearing heels and a corset waltzed through the door, snapped a leash on her and walked her right out again. Girl didn’t even look twice about it…

But as for what happened next, to me? Well, that’s a whole nother kettle of rice.

After I had my drink, Doctor Fizzy told me I needed to go home and sleep, and said if I wanted I could come back and get some dating advice from the Agency. But I didn’t have to. Said the potion would do all the work over the next week or so. He wasn’t joking.

I went home, wondering if the fifty bits I’d spent on the drink would be anything more than a moderately unique soda pop the value of a good dinner at a high-end restaurant. But by the time I was inside my door, I was… fuck, I was in pain. Serious, hardcore, no foolin’ pain. I hit my carpet, and I was out like a candle flame. Poof, unconscious in no time flat. When I came to, I realized instantly that my body was different than it’d been before.

See, I’d always been pretty masculine looking. Girly clothes or not, I was still a pretty beefy lookin’ stallion for a pegasi. But when I woke up… I looked in the mirror, and I was shocked. I was fuckin’ pretty. Long, flowing locks of mane, big beautiful eyes, svelte body, long thick cock with a graceful little curve to it. I started trying on outfits. It took me a little work to get some of em to fit right, but holy Celestia it was worth it. I looked like I coulda’ passed for a mare if I was wearing something to hide my hardon.

Yeah, that right there? That was the ‘too good to be true’ moment.

I went out that night. I’d never gotten attention before like I did when I walked into that club. Every freakin’ stallion had his eyes on me, even some of the straight ones. I spent maybe an hour at that bar. Maybe. I only spent that long there cuz I got picked up by these brothers, a pair of burly earth ponies with muscles and sac’s like you wouldn’t believe. They took me back to their place, and I started getting scared that they thought I was actually a mare, talkin’ about knocking me up. But when the panties finally came off and they saw what I was sportin…

Gods. I thought they were gonna eat me alive, in the best possible way.

I got spit-roasted for the first time in my life that night. They railed me, switching off ends, for the whole fuckin’ night. We stopped twice to get drinks and clean up the mess, and we were right back at it as soon as they got hard again. My mind was swimmin’, and my body? Fuckin’ a, my body was tellin’ me yes, if you feel me? I must’ve ate a gallon of cum that night. I couldn’ta been happier.

Then the wheels came off the cart.

I got home the next morning, and I passed out the instant I closed the door behind me. Pain like I’d never had before in my entire life. When I woke up? It hadn’t stopped. I managed to crawl to the window and throw out my sick-sock. Uh… See, I live alone, but I wanted a way for ponies to know real easily if I needed help, yeah? So I made up this deal with my landlord, I had this special knotted up sock and if he ever heard it hit his window, he should send help. Sure enough, he came runnin’ up like Discord was after his ass. But when he crossed that threshold outside my door…

I ain’t never seen my landlord like that before. He was starin’ at me like I’d grown horns. He’s a nice enough unicorn, you know? Little scrawny, but a standup guy when push came to shove. An’ he was sure as shittin’ standin’ up once he walked in that room. Pretty little me, splayed all over the floor like some kinda porno model. I didn’t know it then, but just bein’ in the same room as me was settin’ off the alarm bells in his head.

Unfortunately, my landlord might be a good stallion, but he’s still a stallion. He was on me in a heartbeat, an’ I started feelin’ him poke at me… well, I was gettin’ poked in a place I wasn’t supposed to have. It was hot, it felt awesome, and I was cryin’ my little eyes out. Well, I would’a been cryin, except I was too busy moaning into my own fuckin’ carpet. Heh. Fuckin’ carpet. That’s what it became. He railed me good and hard, and made me feel like the prettiest little mare in the world. Came inside me too.

By the time he hauled his scrawny ass off my much shapelier one, I could see the gears turning in his head even as my headache and pain started t’ vanish. Then he grins brightly and tells me the rent’s been covered for this month, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, and he trots off like nothing happened. Left me in the floor, in a puddle of goo and juices and a metric shitton of confusion.

But the wheels had just barely come off, you hear? It got worse from there. Much worse.