The Placement Agency

~~~~Canterlot High Courthouse~~~~

Swizzle Stick - Okay. I need to calm the buck down. Okay. Rule number one bout secret plans? Don’t fuckin’ tell anypony else unless ya feel like it not bein’ a secret anymore! I swear t’ Celestia, I try to make sure the Crew knows what t’ do if I don’t come back an’ they take it as some kinda holy quest.

Alright, so yeah, I told my colts and fillies what I was up to. I figgered once I chugged some of that potion somethin’ weird might happen, so I’d better be safe about things. Where I was goin’, what I was doin, an’ what guards to go get if I went dark. Which was… kinda a mistake, ya dig? Like, my kids are usually pretty well behaved but they can get some weird fuckin’ ideas into their heads sometimes, and they basically figured that I was makin’ some big sacrifice to try an’ keep the family together and decided I needed some backup.

Ugh.

See, I was the oldest foal back home before we all ended up without parents so I sort’ve ended up in charge by default. It took a coupla weeks to get us all sorted while the world figured out what happened, so I got kinda used to taking care of em. When Miss Charity took us in, I kept up with that cuz… well, cuz I didn’t know what else to do yanno? So every time I did somethin’ not strictly safe, I always felt like I had to make sure they knew what was up. They had to know what to do, since they had always been lookin’ to me to keep em together.

I should’a known they’d come after me, but I’d been so friggin sure they’d listen when I told em it was serious… URGH! Okay, okay, okay… so, this is how it went down. I snuck out of the orphanage just past moon-height. The moon was on the wane, so It was pretty dark outside and all the patrol guards were using lanterns. That’s how I got where I was goin’, savvy? Guards are trained to swing their lanterns about, but most patrol guards near my neighborhood just wanna get home from their shift. So they keep em straight n’ narrow an’ walk quicklike. If you’re careful, you can follow along in the shadows the lanterns throw out.

I didn’t realize how much company I had till I got to the damn shop when one of the unicorn colts… I think it was Roper that accidentally hoofed over a pile of junk on the curbside. They tried hidin’ in the alley, but I knew their frellin’ tricks. When I finally rooted em all out, I was panicked. It was darn near every single one of ‘em, or at least all the older ones. They was diggin’ their hooves into the dirt n’ lookin at me with them big eyes and… fuck.

I don’t…

It wasn’t s’posed to be like this. Fuck. I need t’ speak to the judge in private.

~~~~Judge’s Chambers~~~~

Judge Rock’s Notes - Miss Swizzle Stick looks like she’s extremely frustrated as she enters my chambers alone, drinking her soda.

Judge Rock - What can this court do for you, Miss Swizzle Stick?

Swizzle Stick - Jes’ Swizzle to you, pops. You’re alright.

She looks anxious at first, then her face firms up.

Swizzle Stick - I don’t wanna talk about the rest of my crew. In fact, I want to not bring em up at all beyond sayin shit went down. I’m only here t’ talk about myself, and my story. All the rest ain’t nopony else’s business.

Judge Rock - That is a rather vital bit of evidence, Swizzle. May I ask why you’d wish to withhold it?

Swizzle Stick - Cuz they all moved on to better lives, pops. They got out of this an’ I don’t want em dragged back in because of me. I’ll keep testifyin’ but I want your word I ain’t gonna be pressured into talkin’ about my crew.

Judge Rock - Hm. Very well. I will not press this matter within my court room. However, I cannot promise that any future investigations or inquiries will not ask you those questions, and possibly with far greater stakes involved.

Swizzle Stick - I dig it, pops. I dig it. Now lets go settle this shit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge Rock - Court is now reconvened! Miss Swizzle Stick, please proceed with your testimony.

Swizzle stick - Yeah, you got it pops.

Okay. So. We went in to the shop and we stole a bunch of the stuff the Doc had already mixed up, and we amscrayed. Breakin’ in wasn’t even hard, I don’t think anypony had figured somepony would try to break into an office like that. Not before we did, at least. I wanted to drink it on the spot, but I had to get the trolls home. So… So I did. I took em back, an’ they all scattered or split off into little groups. I had no buckin’ clue what was gonna happen to ‘em. I didn’t know what was gonna happen to me but I’d come too far by that point.

I chugged it. I don’t much remember the flavor. I don’t much remember much of anythin’ beyond passin out about two seconds later. When I came to, it was morning. The entire Orphanage was… well, it wasn’t pretty. It was a wreck, stem to stern. I ain’t here to talk about what I did to clean that mess up, an I’m gonna ignore anypony that tries to ask. I’m here to talk about what I did next once that bullpucky was sorted out.

And what I did next was look my happy flank in a mirror, and I saw what you see before ya. Me, straight outta puberty and ten times fuckin hotter. I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I figured I’d see if anything else was different, and sure enough I was as nimble and flexible as a fraggin’ acrobat. Course, I had problems up the wazoo… namely that my crew was in rough shape. I needed bits, I needed ‘em fast, and I didn’t have a lot of options as a little un’. But I did have one option I knew would be huge right off, and so that’s what I went for.

Ya’ll don’t need to be lookin’ at me like that. Yeah, I whored. I did it for myself, an’ for my crew, an I did it cuz I wanted to do it. Best way to make bits in Canterlot if yer not some fuckoff noble, an since I was a petit little unicorn thang’ that looked like I stepped outta some colts wet dreams it was even easier. Plenty of foalophiles out there who’ll happily lay down a sack or two to get their rocks off without worryin about somepony runnin’ to the guard, and it ain’t like I was the only one on my crew to go out and do it.

… What? What’re y’all lookin’ at me like that for?

Oh. I get it. You folks don’t get the real world. Okay. Let me lay it out for ya.

~~~~~~~~

Initial Medical Report: Dr. House Call, Dr. Cassock, Dr. Lumination, Dr. Wile E as attending physicians.
Regarding Patient: Swizzle Stick
Case Subject #00221, “Extreme Reality Warping”
To: Princesses Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Luna, Cadence and Prince Armor
Dr. Lumination as transcriber.

Swizzle Stick is the most unique of all the confirmed cases we have thus far observed. Her body appears, to all indications, to have undergone a form of age-regression. Our records show she is supposed to be around the age of nineteen to twenty, though specifics are not available. However, to all indications, she appears to be only a mere twelve years of age. Her body is similar in development to a filly of such an age, with a few key differences in the development of her nervous system and her brain, both of which appear to have maintained their maturity to some degree.

More remarkably, her body appears to be in stasis. We performed several experiments on MIss Swizzle Stick, with her consent, by exposing her to several patients who were contagious with things such as the flu, ponypox, and Horn Ache (Which I should note, is predominantly a magical condition.) in order to assess if her immune system had become less strong due to her regression. While she did show the initial signs of infection, within twelve hours all such signs had vanished completely. Blood tests showed no sign of antibodies or even of the diseases themselves.

Intrigued, we performed a second test, this time giving the patient a mild dose of Sun Dust. A notable alchemical narcotic used primarily as a recreational drug, traces of the dust and its effects usually last for up to three days should the mixture be pure enough. However, Miss Swizzle immediately ceased showing all signs of the drug after twelve hours had passed. Even a thorough alchemical examination of her blood showed no signs of the Sun Dust residue.

It is at this moment that Dr. House called a halt to all further experimentation until such time as we could verify what was causing this occurrence. After two weeks of close examination, we were only able to come to a single conclusion: Every twelve hours, the patient’s body ‘resets’ itself. The patient retains all memories as far as we can tell, but all physical signs of the previous twelve hours vanish instantly. This includes, but is not limited to, the presence of food in her stomach, alcohol in her blood, the presence of any drugs or physical effects of drugs, any physical wound or deformity, her need to sleep, and so forth. She may very well embody the concept of indestructibility and immortality rolled into one, but we are unwilling to press those concepts at this time.

However, far more relevant at this juncture are two facts. The first is that the patient will never be able to grow older than her current state, and the second is that the patient will never be able to engage in any activity that alters her physical form in any way. Including spells which might change her physical form, or given that she is female, becoming pregnant.

While there undoubtedly are those who would envy her this condition, and the Patient remains young enough to not be unduly bothered by it at this time, this medical team strongly suggests that Miss Swizzle be placed under immediate psychological monitoring for the foreseeable future. While one of our Princesses would undoubtedly be the most logical of choices, we understand the limits on their time.

Indeed, it is this more than anything which now concerns us about her status. Her mental health and self-confidence is based nearly entirely on her position as the de-facto matriarch of her extended 'family'. Without a doubt, she does not yet quite comprehend what the meaning 'forever' can imply to this end. While we do not know the state or current condition of the remaining fillies and colts she is apparently trying to protect with her silence, we remain confident that Swizzle Stick may be only one of a scant dozen or so ponies amongst the affected victims to have been blessed and cursed with this level of condition. (See Patient Rarity B., Pg 8.)

It is vital that some form of continuity in her life be established for her as early as possible, given that her now 'eternal youth' will preclude her from nearly every facet of adult society without special considerations established. And, though I do not believe she yet realizes it, will sooner or later divest her of the family she so deeply loves.

~~~~~~~~~

Swizzle Stick - Yeah, I’m stuck like this, pretty much forever. Near as I can tell, I got the physical skills to be a master thief too. I can pick locks in seconds, I can break into any building I want to, take anything I want to. I’m small enough and fast enough that I can outrun anypony but a Wonderbolt. I could be uncatchable, untraceable, impossible to stop.

But I thought about doin that for alla five seconds, and then I realized somethin. I could make myself just as rich, if not richer, by sellin my tail and havin’ a good time doin it. And I wouldn’t hafta be on the run from the Guard for the rest of my life. I set the terms, I set the pricing, I choose my colts. And anypony tries to get clever with me? They ain’t invented the rope and cuffs that can hold me now. Only one dumbass tried that, and after I set the Guard on him, I took all his stuff too. Sends a message that most ponies get.

Look, I ain’t gonna say I’m entirely happy, aight? I’m not. I’ve got issues comin’ out of my ears an’ sometimes the job ain’t fun at all. But it’s a job, it ain’t supposed t’ be fun all the time. It brings in the bits, and helps me take care of my crew. Girl can’t ask for more ‘n that.

Life’s not easy, everypony. No matter what some folks tell you, there’s always gonna be a few who fall through the cracks. I lost my mom, my dad, and two of my brothers when th’ Mine went down. I was a little’un, an all of a sudden I didn’t have diddly squat to my name. I ain’t gonna feed you a sob story, cuz that isn’t how I roll. I got through it. I miss em, just like I miss my Crew. I gambled big and I lost just as big, but I’m still here an’ I still got a life. I still got a family, even if they all gotta be elsewhere.

Yeah, maybe I’m just ridin’ a high with this new me. Maybe I don’t get how bad it’s gonna be years down the line, but I’ll deal with that horsepucky when I get to it. I’m tough. I’ve been through worse, so I’ll manage.

There. That enough for you? I got work to get to doin’ an it ain’t gettin done with me sittin’ here.

Judge Rock - … I think so, Miss Swizzle Stick. Thank you for your time today. Please inform the Bailiff if there is anything more we can do for you before you go.

Swizzle Stick - No problem, yer baldness. Catch’ya on the flipside.

~~~~~~~~~~

She walked out of the courtroom, head held high. Silence reigned in her wake, and the door shut behind her. Unlike the previous days of the Inquiry, there was no dramatic finish to the days proceedings. No sudden emotional outburst, no new truths revealed. Just the stark horror of what had happened to these poor souls laid bare before us. While Swizzle Stick showed incredible strength and resilience, we could not help but be struck dumb by the circumstance she now found herself in.

Twenty young lives destroyed. Twenty fillies and colts, nineteen of which we knew nothing about, wrecked because two unicorns who would not help but meddle in things which they were never meant to touch.

The Judge quietly called an end to the days proceedings, and retired alone to his chambers. Whatever might have been going through his mind, I do not know. Nor could I decipher what was surging through the mind of Disaster Chaser or Dark Coffee as they quietly took their leave. It was not for another ten minutes that I realized that I was now alone in the chamber with a quietly brooding Princess Luna and Princess Celestia. In their faces, I could see the torment of our monarchs as they faced a grim decision indeed.

In a mere two weeks, the world had been turned upside down. Even I could not imagine how something like this case could be brought to a formal trial. It would be a circus of dizzying proportions. Undoubtedly countless counter-charges would be levelled across the table, dozens of innocents and guilty alike caught in the crossfire. With even the merest mismanagement of the narrative, Canterlot itself might be torn apart in the conflict.

Without a doubt, Swizzle Stick and her crew were both victims and villains by the vicissitudes of Fate. Yet what could we do to them? Undoubtedly, Elegant would seek to have them charged alongside her. Undoubtedly, whatever tragedies that Swizzle Stick was seeking to hide from the world would be quickly dragged into the light. And as certain as the day was long, Elegant would use that horror show to try and negotiate her way out of the noose.

By the time I came to my senses and stood, Princess Celestia stood nearby. “It’s all gone quite wrong, hasn’t it?” She asked me quietly, a look of distant loss in her eyes. “I do not know what we should do now.” She continued, not waiting for an answer from me.

In truth. I did not know either. And in fact, the choice would quickly be taken from us by the events that would occur two days later.

-Reporter Double Scoops, for the Equestria Times. Excerpt from “The New Life Placement Agency - The Rise and Fall of the Case of the Century.”

~~~~Two Days Later, Canterlot High Courthouse~~~~

Lunaris Inquiry Session #3
Case File: The Crown V. New Life Placement Agency (Re: Lady Elegant, Quill Tip, Golden Apple, Fizzy Pop)
Judge Rock presiding, Princess Luna advising
Atny Disaster Chaser present
Lead Prosecutor White Cravat Present
Defendant’s Present: Lady Elegant
Court Reporter - Double Scoop, Equestria Times
Court Transcriber - Kwerty Davorak
Witnesses Present: Detective Rich Tracer, Prince Captain Shining Armor, Dr. House Call

Princess Luna - We call this inquiry into the actions of the New Life Placement Agency to order!

Judge Rock - Thank you, Princess. Mister Chaser, where is your client?

Disaster Chaser - I’m afraid I don’t know, your Honor. She really ought to have arrived by now…

Judge Rock - Prince Armor, do you have an explanation?

Prince Armor - No, your Honor. I had sent two Royal Guards to escort her here, but I haven’t had any word of trouble either.

Judge Rock - This is very odd. Detective Tracer, if you would-

Double Scoop’s Notes - The doors to the courtroom are shoved open and the courtroom fell silent. A single pegasi in the uniform of a royal messenger quickly walks down the aisle and speaks to the judge in a hushed whisper. A few moments later, the messenger leaves just as quickly.

Judge Rock - It appears Lady Elegant elected to try and escape on her way here.

Attorney Chaser WHAT?!

Judge Rock - Fortunately, her attempt was thwarted and she has been re-incarcerated for the time being. Which would leave us at a bit of an impasse, except…

Princess Luna - Except what, Judge Rock?

Judge Rock - It appears as though in addition to Lady Elegant’s escape attempt, we have a further unexpected turn of fate. Miss Rarity Belle has requested permission to approach the bench and provide testimony as to her involvement with the New Life Placement Agency.

Princess Luna - WHAT!?!

Judge Rock - Princess Luna, we will thank you not to use the Royal Canterlot Voice inside of our courtroom. Prosecutor, did you hear of this beforehoof and decide not to consult with me?

Prosecutor Cravat - No, your honor. I am afraid I am quite as surprised as the rest of you are.

Judge Rock - Hm. I see. In light of that, I see no reason to deny Miss Rarity her chance to speak to this Inquiry.

Princess Luna - Your Honor, she is certainly not fit to-!

Judge Rock - I beg your pardon, Princess. But there is one present in this courtroom who is far more qualified to determine that. Doctor House, your opinion?

Dr. House Call - I have no objections, your Honor. Physically, she’s just fine. Mentally… well, I suppose it might be a bit presumptuous of me, but she seems to be more sane than most ponies I’ve met over the course of my work. She hasn’t shown any of the negative signs some of the other patients have shown. I say, if she’s got something to say, let her say it.

Judge Rock - Prince Armor, Detective Tracer. Would her testimony in any way harm your investigation?

Detective Tracer - I can’t see why, yer honor. Maybe her finally goin’ on the record’ll help us figure out what to do ‘bout all these other names. Can’t say yea or nay till I hear it.

Judge Rock - Very well. I am sorry, Princess Luna, but I am bound by rule of law to allow any witness in an investigation to give testimony during an Inquiry. I promise that should she prove unable to handle the weight of her condition that I shall call a halt to the proceedings.

Princess Luna - Hmph… Very well, Judge Rock. But I shall be watching very closely.

Judge Rock - I understand. This court calls Rarity Belle to the stand!

The doors opened to the courtroom, and though little did we know it at the time, the final phase of this Inquiry and indeed this Trial was about to begin. Four royal guards proceeded her, and moments later Rarity Belle, the Element of Generosity entered the courtroom.

Any reporter worth his quill ink knew Rarity, of course. Self made businessmare, fashionista extraordinaire, and close friend to Princess Twilight Sparkle amongst other Canterlot notables. She was the closest thing the Elements of Harmony had to a celebrity amongst their ranks, though Rainbow Dash would certainly have been a close second. Everypony who was anypony in Canterlot or Manehatten knew her and her work in the fashion industry and her dresses were constantly in high demand around the time of the Grand Galloping Gala.

Everypony knew Rarity. The mare who walked through the door, however, was a new mare entirely.

She looked sculpted out of pure white marble. Like some artist’s idea of the perfect female pony, but with a dark twist. Her mane was artfully styled, long and extremely voluminous and it almost… sparkled and shone in the light. Her tail swayed back and forth with every step, and appeared to have a life of her own… and in a way it did. She moved with an impossible liquid grace and a faint smile on her face. And all of this was punctuated by what was oh, so very wrong with her.

That gorgeous mane and tail looked sinuous and alive. When examined closely, one could actually see the “hair” moving and pulsing to the beat of her heart. Her enchanting eyes were slitted like that of a dragon or a changeling, and glowed with an unnatural light. Her hooves looked sharp, and appeared to dig into the floor as she walked.

There was the barest flicker of light, and for a moment she almost looked like sensual ridges had grown down her back, and horns jutted out from around her temples and through her mane behind her head. It looked like beautiful green vines were twisted with luscious flowers up her legs and around her belly and woven into her tail. And a single moment later, all of this strangeness save for her eyes was gone. But those eyes…

Brr. It sends chills down my spine even now.

She mounted the stand and folded her hooves primly. And then, she began to speak.

"Good afternoon, your honor. I think it's well past time we cleared up some.... misconceptions."

-Reporter Double Scoops, The Equestria Times. “The Case of the Century, and how it never came to be.”