The Placement Agency

~~~~~Four Days Later~~~~~

Canterlot Guard Report #402113

Detective Rich Tracer, Lead Investigator,

Re: The Lower Quarter Foals

Upon receiving information re: the foals involved in Crown V. NLPA, I immediately began my investigation with the orphanage. The subject of orphaned foals in Equestria has often been a contentious one, since its extremely rare to find them outside of the big cities or in particular communities where the work is dangerous and lucrative. The one notable exception is Ponyville, where an unknown Unicorn opened one to give Canterlot and Cloudsdale orphans a ‘second option’ outside of the big cities he believed were a corruptive influence some four hundred years ago.

Whatever. The orphanage in question is Our Lady of the Sun, and it’s got a solid enough reputation around town. Most ponies aware of them seem to think they’re a decent place. The director’s name is Charity Heart, and I was surprised to find out she owns and helps operate several other such institutions all over Equestria. During my interview with her, she indicated the group of foals had always been something of a unit. They came in together, heartbreakingly already the victims of one major tragedy: The Silverfels Mine collapse, about seven years ago.

Most ponies called them the Silver Squad, at least around the Orphanage and the surrounding neighborhood. Seventeen ponies in total, led by a unicorn named… You guessed it, Wind Seeker. That little filly was the daughter of the mine manager, and she was basically in charge of keeping that lot in line for the Orphanage. Miss Charity informed me that they were usually very well behaved, but very ambitious for young foals. They’d already undertaken a number of other adventures before things at NLPA.

She provided us with a list of their names and some bare physical descriptions and a ‘class photograph’ taken from when they all entered secondary school this year. Only Wind Seeker had her Cutie Mark according to what I can deduce, but there’s not much detail in what she could give me. My investigations took me to South Low Quarter Middleschool where the photo had been taken, but I couldn’t get much. They haven’t actually attended classes there yet, the photo having been taken as something of a tradition when a new class ‘arrives’.

Lacking further information, I decided my best choice of further investigations would have to be the filly herself. I asked to give her an interview, and after a brief consultation with Prince Armor was granted about thirty minutes to get what I could. The Princess has apparently taken a personal interest in this filly, so I needed to be low key.

Wind Seeker is a unicorn filly who prefers to go by the name ‘Swizzle Stick’ these days for reasons I don’t comprehend. Mostly because she wouldn’t tell me and her cutie mark didn’t give me any hints. She’s got a bright blue coat and pretty, red hued eyes, and a cyan mane that compliments her coat. During our conversation, I was struck with how surprisingly intelligent she was for a filly of her age. Even out of uniform, she knew I was a Detective from the moment I walked into the room with her.

She wasn’t a fan of the Equestrian Guard, and treated me with only the barest measure of respect. But she was perfectly willing to talk to me about her friends and how they got into this mess. The one thing she wasn’t willing to discuss was where her friends had went, and where they were now. She said that was a secret, and she didn’t tattle.

Overall, my impressions are that this really was just a bad series of unfortunate circumstances. Wind Seeker is the kind of bullheaded, strong-willed pony that isn’t about to listen to her elders on the subject of pretty much anything. I advise the courts to avoid any strong-hoof tactics with her, and instead suggest playing to her ego which is rather considerable.

As to her condition… I’m afraid nothing manifested itself in front of me, but that was certainly the case with Sweet Tart too. But she does insist that she drank the ‘funny tasting sodapop’ she found in Fizzy’s labs, and so did all of her friends. She further insists that they’ve all got ‘better lives’ now, so why are all the adults complaining? Again, I recommend the court does not call her motivations or personal beliefs into question or she might shut down in the middle of her testimony. Given there are only two ponies who we can find who know what happened to these kids, we can’t afford to take chances.

I’m continuing my investigations into how these kids came to find out about what was going on in NLPA. A name has emerged in my questioning, that of “Mr. Diggs.” While I have only limited information at this time, I will be pursuing further information as the trial continues.

Detective Rich Tracer, 4th day of Summer’s Waning

~~~~Canterlot High Courthouse~~~~

Lunaris Inquiry Session #2
Case File: The Crown V. New Life Placement Agency (Re: Lady Elegant, Quill Tip, Golden Apple, Fizzy Pop)
Judge Rock presiding, Princess Luna advising, Princess Celestia observing.
Atny Disaster Chaser present
Prosecutor Dark Coffee Present
No Defendants present
Court Reporter - Double Scoop, Equestria Times
Court Transcriber - Kwerty Davorak
Witnesses Present: Wind Seeker (AKA Swizzle Stick), Detective Rich Tracer.

Princess Luna - We call this… Inquiry! Into the actions of Lady Elegant and her conspirators to order!

Judge Rock - Thank you, Princess Luna. Princess Celestia. We will try to keep this brief, but I make no promises depending on what information this witness might have for us.

Princess Celestia - I understand, your Honor. I am merely here to ensure the filly is not unduly pressured given what she’s been through.

Judge Rock - So noted, Princess. Prosecutor Coffee, has the witness been prepared for the courtroom environment?

Prosecutor Coffee - She’s been ground as carefully as a pony could ask for in their cup, your honor. She’ll percolate just fine, don’t you worry. Gonna be a steamer of a testimony, though.

Judge Rock - Er… Right. Thank you, Prosecutor. Attorney Chaser, do your clients have any requests of the court thus far?

Attorney Chaser - My clients have been singularly uncommunicative with me lately, your Honor. I’ve carried out their instructions as best as I can, but they have so far made no requests of the court directly. However, I have been asked to read a statement from Lady Elegant regarding the next witness.

Judge Rock - So noted, Attorney. You may present your statement.

Attorney Chaser - Ahem. ‘The New Life Placement Agency has a strict, no underage ponies policy in regards to its special New Life treatments. During multiple occasions, we refused service to ponies of an age less than the laws of consent as per Canterlot law. As required, we also reported these incidents to our local guard precinct. I wish it to be made known that, as well as complying with all local laws in regards to such activity, I myself personally worked to ensure that nopony incapable of giving consent was allowed to partake of our services intentionally.’

Judge Rock - Intentionally, Mister Chaser?

Attorney Chaser - Her words, your honor. I was further instructed to make it clear that the Agency did not pursue any legal action against the perpetrators of the alleged break-in of her facility, although she did inform the proper authorities of the incident at the time.

Judge Rock - I see. Detective Tracer, do we have any records of these reports the Defense is speaking of?

Detective Rich Tracer - Uh… Actually, your honor, this is the first I’ve heard of it. But it’s possible those reports just got lost in the shuffle. We’ve been dealing with a lot of paperwork regarding that address lately. Gimme a minute, I’ll ask one of the Guards to do a run and see if it just got buried under something.

Judge Rock - Thank you, Detective. At this time, this court holds no opinion as to the veracity of the Defense’s claims. With that being said, we are going to proceed to today’s witness assuming that no further business needs addressed.

Attorney Chaser - I’ve executed my instructions as requested, your Honor.

Judge Rock - Then we shall proceed. This court calls Wind Chaser to the stand!

Double Scoop Notes: The doors to the Inquiry chamber open, and I need to move up a bit to get a good look at todays witness. Wind Chaser is a… I want to say filly foal, but that’s not exactly right. She looks like she’s barely past thirteen if that, but there’s a look in her eyes that feels way older. She’s got a very light gray coat and a mane that looks like she’s been dipping it in rainbow juice. A riot of colors and mismatched tones that gives her a vibrant look and a big smile. She comes dangerously close to being adorable. She walks with the kind of self confidence you only learn when dealing with tough ponies on the streets. Its all swagger, intended to tell anypony with an axe to grind to think twice about stepping in.

Wind Chaser - Yo, Judge. Th’ names Swizzle Stick, ya savvy?

Judge Rock - Er, beg your pardon?

Wind Chaser - Sweh-zuhl Steek. I don’t go by my ol’ name nummore. Too depressing.

Princess Celestia - This is fine, your Honor. I’ve already spoken to central records about an official name change.

Judge Rock - Well, so long as the legal properties have been observed, I’ve no objections. Mister Chaser? Prosecutor Coffee?

Attorney Chaser - No objections, your Honor.

Prosecutor Coffee - No sugar off my shoulders.

Judge Rock - Very well, let the record reflect that the witness shall be referred to henceforth as ‘Swizzle Stick’. Miss Swizzle Stick, you have this court’s apology for the misunderstanding.

Double Scoop’s Notes: The filly looks kind of shocked at all this courtesy she’s getting. She also warms up to the judge considerably after this exchange.

Swizzle Stick - No bigs, chief. Paperwork’s a bitch sometimes, yanno?

Judge Rock - All too well, Miss Swizzle. Now, do you know why you’ve been called to testify today?

Swizzle Stick - Sure. The lawyer over there told me you wanted me to tell you about what I did for Elegant and her fucked up crew. Then my Doc wanted me to tell ya more about how I ended up like this.

Judge Rock - What do you mean, ‘like this’?

Swizzle Stick - Ah, shit. Nopony told you? I uh… I’m supposed to have just turned nineteen boss. And I used to be considerably less cute than this.

Judge Rock - Great scott, you were de-aged?

Swizzle Stick - My doc says the proper term is ‘regressed’, but yeah. That’s the skinny of it. One day I was about t’ join the world of other poor fucks in Canterlot tryin’ to scrape out a livin’ without any help from the Orphanage, an’ the next I’m this tight little filly with an ass and cunt that won’t quit an’ a tongue you can’t hardly believe carryin’ me into the high life.

Double Scoop Notes: There’s a moment of shock at this statement from this obvious child. But there’s a look of resignation on Princess Celestia’s face that tells me this isn’t any kind of story or delusion. The shocked silence carried for a moment, before the Judge finally speaks up.

Judge Rock - I think we need to hear this story in full, Miss Swizzle. Would you be so kind as to tell us how this happened to you?

Swizzle Stick - Sure thing, pops. Can I get a soda, though? It’s gonna be thirsty work to cover all that ground.

Princess Celestia - I’ll fetch her one. Any flavor you’d prefer?

Swizzle Stick - Lemon, please. Anyway. Well, I suppose I don’t need to give you my life story, yeah? It’s all ponyfeathers anyway. You want to hear about how I ended up like this, so let’s cut to the chase. How did me and my crew end up in this wreck? Well, that’s… that’s tough, fillies.

I took care of my crew, you hear? We kept it together out there, and come Discord or Tartarus we managed to keep everypony goin’. We looked after one another, made sure we all had enough to eat and time to play and have fun, all that jazz. I was ten when the mine went down on Poppa’s head and took our whole frakkin’ town with it. Nine years, you hear? Nine. Years. Of taking care of all those fillies n’ colts. Miss Charity helped, yeah, and I won’t say I coulda done it without her, but…

Ergh. Okay. It’s not her fault. It’s not anypony’s fault but mine. I owe Miss Charity so much that sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to pay her back for what she did for us, okay? It’s… it’s tough sayin’ it though. She got us through, gave us a home and food and made sure nopony among us was ever scared of losin’ what we had left. But I was gettin’ older, an’ it was gettin’ time for me to saddle up and move out. I coulda stayed on, but even I’ll admit I wouldn’ta been happy there.

It’s tough to explain it. Those little shits… they’re my family, you hear? Lily, an’ Cosmo, an’ Big Sparkler, an li’l Donut. An’ all the rest of em, they’re the only family I got left. When Miss Charity told me it was gettin’ time for me to head out, I didn’t know what to do, yanno? I couldn’t just leave my family behind. An’ there was no way in buck I was gonna be able to stay in Canterlot. I had a few bits, sure, so maybe I coulda scraped something out, but If I wanted any hope of havin’ a real life, I’d have to go someplace else. Miss Charity offered me work at her place in Manehatten, but… But I’d never see my crew again if I did that, an’ I knew it.

So I started tryin’ to figure out a way to stay. Didn’t think it’d be that hard, y’know? I was clever, fast, strong enough with my magic, and I had plenty of tricks. I figured If I couldn’t stay in Canterlot as a legit pony, I’d steal my way to the top. I learned how to pick locks an’ climb like a pegasus. Filched some special shoes to help me do just that, too. I got good at picking locks, and I thought I was gonna have it made when I got nobbled for the first time.

Uh… Nobbled’s thieves cant, fer all y’all straights. It means I got caught with somethin’ I shouldn’ta had in my pockets. Well, the guard hauled me in an’ took a look at me and gave me this really pompous speech about doin’ the right thing and havin’ a real job an’ all that bullpucky. I told him I came from the Orphanage an’ he shut up right fast about it, and I swear I ain’t ever seen somepony look at me with so much pity. It pissed me right the freck off, but… well, he let me go. Told me to stay clean, an’ he wouldn’t file a report on me. Said if I got caught again, he’d have to put me in the Prison and then I’d be bucked.

Sometimes I wonder what might’a happened if I hadn’t gotten caught that day. I never might’a walked past that office building, since it was way off my usual beaten path. Might never have seen that poor slob of a stallion walk inside, lookin’ all eager. See, that’s what caught my eye. I’d been thinkin’ of taking up other jobs, stuff that didn’t need me to steal. I knew the papers loved a good saucy story every so often, an’ after a minute I had a thought. I wasn’t expected back for a coupla’ hours, why shouldn’t I see if there might be somethin’ to this? It was an office, late in the day, an’ there was no reason any normal pony would be sneakin’ into a place like that unless he was up to somethin.

So I stuck around. I climbed up the side of the building and then found an open window. I snuck inside and… I heard him talkin’ to the unicorn Lady. He was askin’ about his ‘order’ an’ when it’d be ready. I was a little disappointed at first, figuring that maybe this colt was just some kinda workaholic… then…

Fuck, I can even remember her sayin’ it. “It’s ready today, sir. A mere drink and a few hours, and you’ll be a new stallion.” An’ I did a double take. Was this some kinda scam? Modder house, maybe? Some kinda’ surgical thing?

Judge Rock - I do beg your pardon, Miss Swizzle, but… Modder House?

Swizzle stick - Oh, sorry, pops. Heh, you ain’t spent much time in the Waif’s Quarter have ya? A modder house is where shady-ass Unicorns do illegal body modification magic. Usually stuff like dick enlargments, or wing sensitivity, or sometimes… Sometimes the darker shit, like organ replacements that ain’t strictly on the level. Those last ones don’t tend to last long, though, and this place was sure as shootin not in the right neighborhood for it.

But there’s rewards for reportin’ places like that, an’ I figured maybe I could get the Guard to give me a pass if I did the good citizen thing. I needed proof though, so I stayed quiet an’ waited till they went downstairs. I followed em to the lab, an’ the creepy fuckin’ unicorn stallion in the labcoat was just startin’ to ramp up his business. He had a whole fuckin’ cauldron of the stuff waitin’, and he dosed it out to the slob. Slob thought he was gettin’ the hoof-made stuff too, the poor bastid.

Anywho, I’m sittin’ just out of sight on a divider wall, an’ what I see scares the piss out of me at first. This stallion hits the ground and he’s moanin an’ groanin’ like he just got fed poison. Then… He goes all still, an’ I’m scared shitless. For about, like, three seconds? I think I just witnessed a fuckin’ murder an’ I’m about ready to run for my life when he starts convulsin’ all over the bloody place an his body’s changin’ right in front of my eyes.

By the time it’s over, he ain’t half bad lookin’. He’s no Fancy Pants, ya hear, but he’s gone from bein’ a two to about a solid seven, an’ he’s got a pretty good bounce to his step if ya take my meaning. He looks super stoked about it, an’ hoofs over a sack fulla bits, and is gone a few minutes later. I’m stone shocked, you hear me? The kinda look he had, you’da had to pay biiig bits at Canterlot General for it, and even then you need to go through the fuckin’ paperwork which takes a year or somethin’. I was intrigued, heck, I was innerested!

So I hung out there for another hour, but she didn’t get nummore customers. I needed to see more. I needed to make sure this wasn’t some kinda custom job, you know? So I kept going back. Kept sneakin’ in every night to that place to try and find out what the secret was. I snuck outta bed, I snuck out durin’ the day, I dodged everything but the basics I needed to stay upright n’ breathin. I saw all sorts of shit goin’ down there. Everything under the fuckin’ sun. Ponies changed into new ponies, ponies with new skills and abilities, I even saw a cutie-mark or two change! I knew I was on to somethin’ big, but every time I tried to get a hold of the Doc’s stuff, it wasn’t ready yet. I wanted t’ sell his formula, but the creepy fuck never wrote it down. I couldn’t steal it, I couldn’t hack it, so… I figured I had to drink it.

It was pretty simple math, you savvy? Everypony I spied on had come in wantin’ something specific. Well, I knew what I freakin’ wanted. I wanted all the skill an’ gumption I’d need to stay with my family, so I’d never have to leave any of em behind. Seemed simple enough, yeah? Just me an’ a quick drink of the Doc’s special stuff, an I’d be out before you could say Skip-to-my-loo. Yeah, reaaaaal simple plan. Course, I had to open my fuckin’ gob an’ send all of this straight down to Nightmare Moon’s basement.

~~~~~Canterlot Guard HQ~~~~~

Crown V. NLPA, Investigation Recording #40

“- I saw them this morning.”

Princess Twilight’s voice cuts in at the start of the recording, sounding very quiet.

“It was like the past month hadn’t even happened. Rarity was all smiles and hugs, and Fluttershy… Celestia save me, Detective. I’ve never seen Fluttershy so… so social. She spoke in a normal tone of voice. No whispering at all! She was bright and cheery, and she made juice and muffins for me. Wanted to know how the trial was going, and what had happened to some of the other victims. They both wanted to help, so I told Princess Cadence to bring over Daisybloom and Dry Mix.”

The Princess thumps into a chair, and the rustling of feathers white’s out the recording for a moment until…

“- They’ve got them set up in this little apartment with all the amenities they could want. Rarity’s a little peeved at the lack of space, but she’s sewing away like nothing’s happened even with all the changes to her… herself. Even Sweetie Belle didn’t seem to much care! I mean, If it wasn’t for… for..”

Princess Twilight’s voice breaks here, and a sigh from Detective Tracer nearly covers it up.

“Grab a seat, kiddo. Sheesh, I’m calling yet another Princess a kiddo. HAH! No wonder I never got promoted.”

Scraping of wood over wood, chairs shuffled across the floor. The sound of pouring liquid and a smack of a bowl on the desk.

“Have a potato chip and a drink. Look, I’ve worked this job forever, aright? I’ve seen it all. Especially the stuff they never report on in the papers, cuz they like bein’ family friendly and that sells more rags. Lemmie tell ya somethin they won’t tell ya at the hospital. It never gets any easier. “

Princess Twilight coughs a little, probably around her soda.

“What? But… I’d thought…”

The Detective laughs.

“I’m serious, kid. It don’t get easier. It becomes normal. Look, I had a partner way back when I first got started back in medieval times, heh. Handsome fuckin’ stallion, coulda given your brother a run for his money in looks an’ in ass-kickery. Nopony knew more about long-distance restraint spells than he did. Couldn’t pry the mares offa him with a crowbar, and he had this stupid dopey grin that pissed everyone off cuz it made all the girls sigh happily. Two weeks into my time on the force, an’ we run into this nasty band of spell runners.”

The sound of a deep inhalation - likely Detective Tracer smoking in the precinct again.

“They were sellin’ illegal fire weapons to some mobsters in Manehatten, back before Princess Celestia finally decided enough was enough, cracked down and brought in the Royal Guard on em. Anyway, we’re in the middle of the bust when one of the perps loses his fuckin mind and fires off one of the weapons at me. I coulda sworn my goose was cooked when my partner shoved me right out of the way and took it in the face, full blast. Never did figure out how he fuckin’ survived that, but by Celestia he did.”

“Took em months of healing before they put him back on the force, an’ when he did come back he was pug-fuckin’ ugly. But you know what hadn’t changed? He hadn’t lost that dopey grin. He kept sayin’ he musta been like a marshmallow since he only got sweeter with the heat, the mad bastard. He was never the same pony after that, an’ it took him a long time to get his swagger back, but…”

Princess Twilight sighs softly, and the sound of something thumping into the desk. She speaks quietly, sadly.

“But right down inside, he was still the same pony. And eventually, you learned to ignore the changes, right?”

A moment of silence, then the Princess speaks again.

“Thanks, Detective. I’ll try to remember that.”

A rough chuckle, interspersed with a faint cough.

‘“Kiddo, you don’t need to remember shit. You just needed somepony to remind you ‘bout shit ya already know. Now, we got work to do. The Princesses want us to interrogate Miz Tart, see if we can’t separate the wheat from the chaff on what she knows.”