Looking for Love in All the Wrong Place

“Listen up, fillies!” Knight declared to her two subordinates, “We are on a mission extreme importance. One that we can’t possibly fuck up!” She leaned down to them, “We’re gonna get laid!”

Click facehooved. He and his friend Bishop had been brought to the small town of Fillgan on a mysterious mission supposedly given by their commander, but now it seemed that Knight had pulled them in just as her personal backup.

“Really?” Bishop echoed Click’s thoughts, “You pulled us out of bed for this?”

“With good reason!” She snorted, “I see you two cuddling up to sleep, you both need real mares!”

Bishop blushed as Click stammered out, “I-It’s just warmer when we’re together!”

“Yeah, and I got a horn under my mane,” Knight snorted, “Now come on, I found a great bar for us to hit.”

The bar was a big place with neon lights spelling The Big In. The lights were on, and the music was so loud it could be heard outside.

“That’s kind of a dumb name…” Bishop noted.

“Your face is dumb!” Knight retorted, “Now come on!” She pulled them in, ignoring their meager protests and wiggles.

Inside the place was surprisingly fancy. For a wasteland bar, it looked more like a dancing studio with light up floors, blaring music, and dozens of ponies dancing, drinking, and having a good time.

Click watched it all, feeling impressed by the new environment, “This is actually kinda cool!”

“I knooooooooow!” Knight pulled them both by the tails, bringing them to the bartender, “Get me your best whiskey! What do you guys want?”

“Applejuice!” Bishop smiled.

The club went dead. The lights stopped, the music screeched to a halt, and everypony stared at the poor unicorn.

“…Um…” Bishop swallowed.

“…He said Apple Whiskey!” Click quickly said. As if by magic, everything went back to the way it was before.

“Thanks, Click…” Bishop smiled. Click smiled back, as he called for his own Apple Whiskey.

It wasn’t long before they had their own table, drinking up and watching out for any mares or stallions they could get.

“Getting a mare is like getting corn out of your teeth,” Knight began to explain, “You need to be delicate, and watch what you’re doing or else your mouth is going to be hurting later.”

Bishop raised an eyebrow.

“Also, always say nice things, even if you don’t mean it. Mares love that junk,” Knight added, “Like how nice their bodies are, or how hot they are. And then,” He clapped his hooves, “Nailed it!”

“Sounds… easy enough?” Click asked, “So who should I talk to?”

Knight began scanning the bar like she was looking for a good weapon, “Hmmm… There are two mares dancing in the center. Go talk to them.”

Click focused in. One was a huge mare with tattoos, and the other was a pony with what seemed to be bat wings.

“T-them?” Bishop squeaked, “They look like they’d eat us alive.”

“Don’t be a foal, go get’em!” Knight shoved the two stallions out of the seats and into their direction.

“Just… play along…” Click said, glancing back, “I’d rather ask them out then deal with Knight later.”

Bishop nodded, “I got dibs on the bat.”

Click blinked, but before he could answer the white unicorn was already talking to her on the other side of the dance table. With a reluctant sigh, he went up to the massive hulk of a mare.

“Um…” Click swallowed, poking her with a shaking hoof, “C-cool party, huh?”

The mare spun to face him, hips swaying in a casual dance, “Huh? Oh, yeah! Are you new here?”

Click nodded shyly, trying to keep calm.

“Great!” She smiled, “Hope you enjoy yourself!”

“Oh, um, thanks!” Click smiled, “So you live around here?”

“Yeah! Just a few houses away! I tell ya, this place is a miracle worthy of Celestia herself!”

Click nodded, “I know, who would have guessed there’d be power and fully functional stereos out here?”

“Well, yeeeeeeah,” The mare rolled her eyes, “But I meant more about having a place for ponies like us.”

“Like us?”

“Sure! Like you and that white guy. I saw what you did for him. That was really sweet of you!”

Click blushed a bit, “It wasn’t much, really…”

“Well, you know how it is,” The mare did a spin, “You gotta face the ponies, can’t hide away from it. Let them judge!”

Click blinked, “You mean from them staring?”

“Yeah, like that!” She grinned, “Next time, maybe you should kiss him though!”

“WHA?!” Click almost lost his footing, “K-kiss, him?!”

“Sure! You make a lovely couple!” The mare giggled, “I saw the way you two were looking at each other!”

Click felt starstruck for a moment, struggling for words, “N-n-no! We’re just friends!”

“No reason to hide your feelings in here, little guy,” She spun again, “This is a gay bar, after all.”

Click just stared at her, then around the room. Now that he knew, he could see it. Scantily clad mares with each other, stallions admiring each other’s flanks. The huge portrait of Ministry Mares Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy making out should have been a huge clue.

“O-o-oh…” Click gasped.

“You look a little winded,” The mare said, “Maybe take a seat, have a drink. Believe me, drunk making out is some of the best.”

Click couldn’t even answer her, as he left for the table. On his way there, a pony wearing just a black tie stopped him.

“Do you know that mare?” He pointed to Knight, who was already surrounded by whiskey bottles.

“Yeah…?” Click frowned, “What about it?”

“She owes us two thousand bottle caps, and said that you were good for it,” The pony glared, “You are good for it, correct?”

Click swallowed, “I-I didn’t bring any money… S-she was taking us out!”

“I see…” The pony sighed, “I hate to do this, but we can’t let this stand. We’ll have to teach her a lesson.”

Two huge earth ponies walked up to Click, towering over him. They smiled coldly at the rookie wastelander.

“P-please…” Click squeaked, taking a step back.

“Sorry, kiddo. We do what we gotta do,” They began walking towards him… then past him, to Knight.

Knight grinned, “Heeeck yeah! You guys ready to part-eh?!”

The two guards shared a look, then grinned, “Sure. Just come with us backstage. Where nobody can hear us.”

“Cool! Later, loser!” She stuck her tongue out at Click, before drunkenly walking off with them.

Click blinked, but didn’t bother to warn the big mare of her upcoming beating. She could handle it. “Serves you right…”

Click sat back at his table, helping himself to his own unfinished drink. He allowed himself to relax as his eyes searched for an unfortunate unicorn.

He saw a very embarrassed Bishop waving his hooves and walking backwards as a gang of bat pony ladies surrounded him. They were carrying him away, licking their lips and cornering him.

“Serves you right too for ditching me…” Click smiled, sipping some fine whiskey. He knew he’d have to step in after a little bit, but why stop Bishop’s date early?

They had come for mares after all, and now Bishop had all the mares he wanted.

Author's Note

A fanfic using characaters from ClickClacktheBrony's story Wild Wasteland. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/64297/fallout-equestria-wild-wasteland It has been on hiatus for a couple months, but it seems it will be coming back soon, so give it a look!