Now, if y'all was paying attention to last season, y'all know what a nigga moment is. A nigga moment is when the mind of a perfectly logical black man is overwhelmed by some stupid nigga shit. Like when a nigga steps on your sneakers and fucks up your kicks or hits your car and some shit and the nigga gets mad like you fucked up. So his ignorance makes you act crazy and the next thing you know, niggas is beefing, shooting, fighting, and somebody ends up dead.
But, yo, not even death could stop a nigga moment.
“So, you have returned.”
“Yeah, so what? Ya got a problem with that, nigga?”
Stinkmeaner spat at the brimstone steps, causing a loud sizzle as he stared down the king of hell himself.
The devil sighed. “You had the best training Hell could offer you, yet you could not take care of an old man and two children?”
“The only thing ya should be expecting is my foot up yo ass!” Stinkmeaner shouted, waving his cane. “Just send me back, unless y’all want me to fuck some more shit up in here!”
“As much as I wish to do that, I cannot.” The devil got off his chair and frowned. “You had your chance, and you failed. Now the only Stinkmeaner back there is your clone, and he demonstrates far more potential than you.”
“Well no shit! I told those fuckers at the labs to do that!”
“Regardless, you part is done.” He snapped his fingers and an army of demon monks teleported around Stinkmeaner. “The only thing for you now is to become their personal training dummy, as they have to you.”
Stinkmeaner looked around and laughed. “Y’all think ya just dealing with an ol’ nigga, huh? Well c’mon then!”
The demons charged. As much as they had their asses kicked before, they had the advantage of both numbers and skill this time. Surely they could at least last longer than they had before.
Even after Stinkmeaner’s first impression, it amused the devil at how much he’d developed in such a short time. Perhaps there was still some merit to him?
According to what he saw, there might have been.
Neither side was slowing down, but it was clear Stinkmeaner was faring far better than the demons. Hell, he even managed to take them all down even faster than before.
It was true: he was too good to leave alone in hell, especially when he started running towards HIM.
“You want some of this, nigga!”
He flew through the air, his leg aimed at the devil.
It was blocked, however, and immediately countered by a punch to his face.
“Is that all, Stinkmeaner?” the devil asked, cracking his knuckles. “If you can beat me, I will be more than happy to send you out of here.”
“Fuck that! I’m just kicking yo ass ‘cause I wanna, nigga!” he said, wiping his nose.
The two ran towards each other, and continued trading blows for who knows how long while Stinkmeaner continued his colorful commentary.
Things were looking bad for the devil. Stinkmeaner tore off his whiskers and he used the moment of weakness to deliver a roundhouse to his head.
“Urgh!” He leaned against a wall and glared at Stinkmeaner. How could he, the king of hell, lose to a blind old man?
Stinkmeaner knew the devil was struggling and laughed. “Is that all ya got, nigga?
The devil looked behind him. It was the gate to Tartarus.
It took all he had to keep from laughing along. “Very well, Stinkmeaner. You have proven yourself once again.” He opened the gate and smiled. “Here is your way- ”
He was cut off when he got another kick to the head. Stinkmeaner decided to get one last roundhouse in before falling into the gate.
“Well, well, well! Looks like the bitch-ass nigga’s an even bigger bitch-ass than I thought!” He cackled all the way through until the devil closed it behind him.
“Uh, are you sure sending him there’s a good idea?” one of the devil monks asked, rubbing his blackened eyes.
“Trust me,” the devil said. “Even if he makes it past Cerberus, it is no skin off my nose. Now where’s that damned first-aid kit?”
“Here, sir.” the demon said, holding up a flaming box with an upside-down cross on it.
“Excellent.”
“I still don’t get why we have to patrol this place,” Rainbow grumbled. “Nothing ever gets past Cerberus.”
The warm sun beat down on the group as they made their way through the greenery. Twilight had decided that she would do a solo patrol around Ponyville. When Rainbow caught wind of the news, all her friends wanted to participate in case something unexpected happened.
“Ah, ah, ah,” Twilight said. “Remember what happened last time? Besides, you volunteered.”
“Twi’s right,” Applejack concurred. “Besides, it’s been a while since we hung out like this.”
“Yep, yeperoony!” Pinkie cheered as she bounced next to Twilight. “I mean, it’s not everyday you get to help a princess with her duties, right?”
“As her trusted friends, of course we’d be happy to help,” Rarity chimed in. “Besides, I’ve managed to find some new dig sites. This afternoon’s been quite fortuitous for me, at least.”
The group finally saw their checkpoint: the gate to Tartarus. Large, intimidating, and adorned with ominous-looking symbols. The smell of charcoal didn’t help ease their anxiety, and neither did the gatekeeper’s absence.
“Wha-where is he?” Fluttershy asked, looking looking back at her lunch basket. “Shouldn’t he be here at all times? Oh, and I made some extras for him, too…”
“I’m sure he won’t be gone for long,” Twilight said nervously. What would happen if something were to pop out of Tartarus right now?
“BITCH-ASS NYUGGA!”
“You just had to jinx it, didn’t you?” Rainbow grumbled.
Then the gates exploded outward, revealing a old green stallion throttling Cerberus in his hooves.
The three-headed hellhound tried to squirm out of his grip, but the stallion eventually choked him unconscious. Yes, all three heads.
“Ha! Eat THAT shit, nigga! You thought it was all good, didn’t ya?! Well ya just fucked with the wrong nigga!” He gave one last buck to one of Cerberus’s heads and spat at him for good measure. “Now where tha fuck’s this?”
“You-you-you just beat up Cerberus!” Twilight finally stammered.
“That’s right!” He poked Twilight’s muzzle with his cane. “I. Fucked. Him. Up. Whatcha gonna do, bitch?!”
Rainbow shot towards the pony. “Hey! I don’t care if you’re crippled, nopony talks to Twilight like that!”
“I just did, ya bitch-ass- ” he struck her across her face “punk-ass- ” he loomed over the fallen pegasus “faggot-ass niggaaaaa!”
He stood over the quivering pegasus for a few more seconds, daring her to continue the moment. When she remained petrified, he scoffed and walked away.
“That’s what I thought! Now which one of y’all want their ass kicked next?”
Applejack stepped up and froze when Stinkmeaner stared at her. “Uh, no, we don’t want that, sir! We don’t want no trouble, alright? We just want ta know, who are you?”
“Colonel Mothafuckin Stinkmeaner, that’s who!” He pressed his face against hers. “Y’all think yourselves hot shit, don’t ya?”
Everypony remained gawking at the old pony. They had never seen a more cranky pony before and after seeing what he did to a speeding Rainbow Dash, they didn’t want to pick a fight.
Everypony except Twilight.
“Enough!” she screamed. “Mr. Stinkmeaner, was it?”
“And who the hell are you?!”
“I’m Twilight Sparkle, and I think you owe Rainbow Dash an apology!” She stood tall, blushing after realizing that he probably couldn’t see anything and rendered her impression moot. “Please apologize, or I will report you to the authorities.”
“Twilight, don’t snitch!” Rainbow grumbled. “Besides, aren’t YOU that kind of “authority”?”
Stinkmeaner cackled and tapped the ground in front of Twilight. “Ya think y’all can take this nigga down? Fuck this!” He turned away, everypony splitting up to give him a free path. “Hold up…”
He raised his muzzle into the air, smelling something. He found his way to Fluttershy. More specifically, the picnic basket she was hiding behind.
He picked out a random sandwich, took a bite, and immediately spat it out.
“Tha fuck?! Where’s the meat?!” he screamed, tossing the leftover sandwich away.
“Uh, regular ponies don’t eat… eep!” Fluttershy squeaked.
“What you say!” He touched his face and the rest of his body. “Tha fuck’s this?”
“Uh, a muzzle?”
“This’s some bullshit!” He knocked the picnic basket over and walked away. "When I get back to Hell, I'm gonna fuck that nigga up!"
Twilight held out a hoof. "Wait! I'm not done..."
But Stinkmeaner was already out of sight.
"Wow! He's fast for an old guy, huh?" Pinkie said.
"I don't wanna sound soft, Rainbow, but maybe we should leave the poor fella alone?" Applejack asked, helping the pegasus to her hooves. "I know from experience that when ponies get that ornery, it's best to let 'm steam out."
"He beat up Cerberus, Applejack!" Twilight said. "We can't let him go off by himself!"
"Agreed!" Rarity added. "That ruffian's headed straight to Ponyville! Who knows what trouble he might cause?"
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Rainbow shouted and flew off.
"Wait, Rainbo- oh why do I bother?" Twilight grumbled. "Fluttershy, Rarity, Pinkie, you look after Cerberus. We'll bring that pony back to whatever corner of Tartarus he came from!"
"Oh, okay. Uh... hurry back!" Fluttershy whimpered, trying to haul the giant demon dog on her and her friends’ backs.
As Stinkmeaner made his way to the middle of the town, a few things were obvious:
One, he could practically taste the joy and happiness in the air, something that made him instinctively retch.
Two, he was being stared at by so many others that he didn't know who to talk shit to first.
Third, he felt a couple of those onlookers walking up to him.
Bad for them. Good for him.
"Tha fuck you want, nigga?"
Bon Bon drew back her hoof in shock. "I just want to know if you needed help!"
"Ya think just because I'm blind means I need your help, don't ya?" he screamed. "News flash, bitch! The only help I'll be needing is to get my foot outta yo ass after I'm done with ya!"
"Hey! Who do you think you are? She just wanted to help!" Lyra said. "And what the heck's a foot?"
"I'm the nigga that's gonna knock both your asses back where you came from from, bitch! Hmph!" He turned around and continued walking. Women weren't good at starting nigga moments anyways.
Now that he thought about it, everyone muttering behind him sounded female.
He spat again. This was going to be a pain in the ass until some males show up, preferably black.
"Hey, you there! Halt!"
Excellent. A man. Two of them, by the sound of their hooves.
"Apologize to the mares immediately, or you’ll be arrested for disturbing the- "
Stinkmeaner groaned in annoyance. He always hated the cops for stopping him while driving.
Without warning, he kicked the closest guard in the face and whacked the other with his cane.
"Oh yeah! Ya weren't expecting that, were ya?" he screamed. He spun his cane around; things were going to get messy.
One guard pulled out a short spear. “I don’t want to have to do this, sir. Just put down the cane and come quietly.”
“Fo’ fuck’s sake!” Stinkmeaner groaned. “Ya niggas just don’t quit, do ya?”
“STOP!!!”
Both combatants turned around to find Twilight and her friends galloping towards them.
“Princess Twilight?” the guard said in surprise.
“Not you again, bitch!”
“Hey! You don’t address the princess in such a- “
“It’s alright, good sir!” Twilight interrupted before facing the old stallion. “Mr. Stinkmeaner, just come with us and we can get you some- “
“I don’t need nothin’, ya hear?! Ya want me so bad?” He raised his cane once more. “Then stop yappin’ and bring it!”
“That’s it!”
The guards charged at the stallion with their own weapons raised, overwhelmed by rage from his provocation.
“Don’t hurt him!” Twilight screamed, but it didn’t seem like they heard her. “What’s gotten into them?”
“They’re going to serve his flank to him, that’s what!” Rainbow Dash cackled as she joined Pinkie Pie and her popcorn bowl.
Despite the violence, Twilight and every other townspony couldn’t look away. While the guards swung their spears at him, Stinkmeaner would simply weave in and out of their reach, parrying every blow.
“Oh, y’all tryin’ ta get a piece of this?” Stinkmeaner grinned maniacally. He planted his cane into the ground and stood on his hind legs. “Well here it comes!”
Using the cane as leverage, he jumped into the air. Seeing it coming, the younger guard blocked it with his spear but fell to his knees from the force behind the kick.
“Oh yeah! You didn’t see that comin’ didja?!” He countered the older guard’s blow coming behind him and with a twist of his body, he knocked the spear out of his grip.
Everypony’s eyes were glued to the spear knocked into the air, giving Stinkmeaner a free punch to both guard’s faces.
“C’mon! Get yo asses up, nigga!” He grabbed a fallen guard’s mane and headbutted him, knocking him unconscious. “Is that all ya got?” He walked away from the remaining guard, who was clutching his bleeding nose.
“Oh no, you don’t!”
“Rainbow, don’t- “
The pegasus, to everypony’s surprise, knocked Stinkmeaner off his hooves.
“Shit! Tha fuck?!” He swung his cane around, but hit nothing.
Rainbow struck again, but this time she was blocked by Stinkmeaner. “C’mon, bitch! Let’s go!”
“Fine by me!”
Rainbow launched a flurry of hooves, managing to pressure him into a defensive. Everypony cheered as she kept it up, thanks to having all four legs available.
“Fuckin’ bitch!” Stinkmeaner screamed. “Ya want to play rough?!” He spat out a loose tooth and charged.
It was as if everypony was watching a martial arts match in fast-forwards. At some point, Applejack joined the fray, lassoing one of Stinkmeaner’s legs, but he wouldn’t stop and pulled her in for a good headbutt.
It was Stinkmeaner’s turn to attack as he spun his cane in every direction, quickly overwhelming Rainbow and Applejack and knocking them down.
“Ha!” he laughed. “How’s that, nigga?”
“Not so fast!”
Rainbow and Stinkmeaner turned to the direction of the voice. The former saw half-dozen guards running towards them.
“Oh, y’all think ya can storm on this nigga, huh?” Stinkmeaner backed up as far as he could. “C’mon then! C’mon!”
“No!”
Twilight flew in between Stinkmeaner and the guards, steaming from her ears.
“Stop this!” she barked. “Can’t you see you’re all acting like ignorant idiots?! You guards- ” she pointed to the armored stallions “-are planning to beat up an elderly stallion, and you- ” she pointed said stallion “-pick fights with whoever you find!”
“But Twilight, he started it!” Rainbow said.
“It doesn’t matter! The point is that he’s beating you to a pulp while you’re falling for his taunts!”
“Do you want him to come with us and stop hurting everypony or not?”
“Of course, but we can’t hunt him down like a dog!”
“He hurt us, Twilight! Isn’t that enough?”
“That doesn’t mean we’re allowed to hurt him back! This isn’t the time for an eye for an eye. No offense, Mr. Stinkmea- where’d he go?”
She looked around and found Stinkmeaner walking away, this time towards Sweet Apple Acres.
“Dear Celestia, not again!” Twilight screamed to the sky.
“Apologies, but I have come in her place.”
Everypony gasped and fell to their knees when Princess Luna indeed landed in the middle of the crowd.
“Princess! What are you doing here?”
“I felt a disturbance in the air, dear Twilight,” she said. “I checked Tartarus and Fluttershy told me everything. Is that him? Stinkmeaner?” she asked, pointing to the faraway stallion.
“But who IS he?” Twilight asked. “What kind of pony escapes from Tartarus like that?”
“I do not know, but we know he is a being that hosts an unbelievable amount of hatred and ignorance, and he’s spreading it all over Ponyville by his mere presence.”
“Huh?” Applejack asked. “Hold on, I don’t think that’s how ignorance works, is it Twi?”
“Does thou see? Even now, our Applejack as well as the guards have already fallen victim!” Luna said. “No need to fret! While sister is planning a backup plan in Canterlot, I have decided to take him back to Tartarus by ourselves.”
She teleported in front of Stinkmeaner and grabbed him with her telekinesis. “Stinkmeaner! For your crimes against Ponyville’s citizens and the peace of Equestria, I, Princess Luna, will banish you back to- ”
Before she could finish, Stinkmeaner struck her across the face with his cane.
“Oh yeah! Ya think ya got me, didn’tcha nigga?” he cackled.
Luna stared agape at the stallion. “Such evil… to be able to break free from my magic. You are indeed a danger, Stinkmeaner!” She charged, her horn sparkling with magic.
Twilight groaned into her hoof as the two battled once more. “Maybe the guards weren’t the only ponies affected by him.” Nevertheless, she remained out of it. Princess Luna and Celestia were on the case, they could take care of it, right?
Luna gave up on trying to capture Stinkmeaner via magic, and hoof-to-hoof combat was not the best idea after witnessing his skills on the guards. She resorted to telekinetically grabbing whatever was within reach and tossing them at him.
For the first time, Stinkmeaner was struggling. Whatever this bitch nigga was throwing, he couldn’t react to so many projectiles coming at once. He even felt one object strike him in the face, denting his glasses.
“Ah ha!” Luna cried. “How is that, ruffian? Ready to surrender?”
“Bitch, I ain’t done with y’all yet!” He picked up the object and grinned. He tossed it at her, but being blind, missed her completely.
“What is this? What do you- “
“Oh my Celestia, a chair!”
Everypony’s stare was glued to the folding chair as it landed harmless behind the crowd. After a few seconds of silence, Luna smirked.
“Ha! What do you plan on doing now- “
“I’m mad!”
The entire crowd devolved into a big ball of violence, kicking up whirlwinds of dust in their wake and blindly attacking whoever they could reach.
Luna gaped at the abrupt rampage while Twilight facehoofed. “I hope Princess Celestia’s having a better time. SHE doesn’t have to deal with this old coot.”
Princess Celestia looked at the bright sigil. If this spell worked perfectly, it would summon the perfect being to subdue the evil that emerged from Tartarus.
She silently cursed herself. She never felt such a powerful hatred coming from one source. Luna and Twilight must be suffering even with their combined power, and with Cerberus out of commision, Celestia had to hurry before her fellow alicorns fell victim like him.
The diagram was complete. She pulled out a scroll.
“In an senex linguam in asina Unum te adversarius ad malum dicitur Stinkmeaner.”
Her horn glowed just as bright and she touched the diagram with it. It exploded in a rainbow of colours and she was knocked off her hooves.
After the light faded, she opened her eyes. A cloud of dust and marble blocked her vision, but the foreign silhouette she saw proved her ritual worked.
“Are you the one I summoned?”
The figure didn’t seem to hear her. It waved around a stick, trying to get a feel of where it was or what happened.
“Tha fuck just happened?! Hey, where tha fuck’s this? This ain’t my parking space!”
Celestia’s jaw dropped once the smoke cleared, revealing a bipedal figure.
“Oh fuck me.”
Author's Note
For those wondering, Celestia's words (google) translates to: In an old-ass language, I summon an opponent for the evil called Stinkmeaner. Seriously.
If you liked it so far, fav it and tell me why in the comments. This won't be a very long fic, probably under 10k words. But until then, I'll try to make this as entertaining and/or offensive as possible.
“Stinkmeaner, stop! We are not afraid to use lethal force to detain you!”
“Go ahead and try, nigga!”
Luna groaned. She supposed she should be thankful he’s blind. He’s been running around aimlessly, but that just meant his influence will eventually consume the town until he’s stopped.
“Princess Luna, violence isn’t going to work!” Twilight said. “We need to stop him from moving!”
In a flash, a pair of violet hoofcuffs appeared and binded Stinkmeaner’s hoofs...
“Is that all, nigga?!”
...which immediately broke apart after a brief struggle.
“It is impossible, Twilight!” Luna shouted. “If we cannot stop him, I will have to strike him down!” Her eyes turned white and her voice grew to explosive levels.
“Princess, no!”
Too late. Dark clouds appeared, blocking the sun. Lightning rumbled ahead as everypony but Stinkmeaner stopped fighting and ran for cover.
“Do you see now, villain? No matter what infernal power you bring from Tartarus, our might is, and will always be far greater that you!” she yelled triumphantly.
Lightning struck the ground around Stinkmeaner, coming close to setting some nearby buildings.
“How was that, Stinkmeaner? Do you see now the difference in our power?” Luna asked.
The old stallion sniffed the air. ‘Nothin’, I can’t see shit!”
Luna hunched over, sighing. “Of course. Then I will waste no more time!”
The clouds grew more violent, rumbling like a hungry dragon.
Stinkmeaner smiled and charged. “Now we gettin’ serious! Bring it!”
A blinding light pierced the clouds, causing everypony to cover their eyes.
“This magic! Sister?!”
Before she could get an answer, she instead received a smack to the face and got knocked down.
“Luna!”
The remaining clouds scattered and Celestia flew to her sister.
“Luna, are you alright?” she asked. She quickly cast a magical field around them so that Stinkmeaner couldn’t touch them.
“No,” she croaked. “Why did you stop me? I was about to finish him.”
“That’s exactly what he wants you to do, Luna,” Celestia said. “Kill him, so he can return to Tartarus and return, stronger than before. Besides, killing somepony wouldn’t look good for your image.”
“Then what do you suggest? We cannot bind him or kill him. What alternative do we have?”
Celestia frowned. “It may not seem like it, but I summoned what should be the perfect opponent for Stinkmeaner. Look, there he is now.”
Everypony stopped moving and stared dumbstruck at the figure. Balding head, green sweater, black glasses, and a familiar walking stick.
“Stinkmeaner?!” Twilight gasped. “Wait, he’s right here!”
“Exactly, Twilight,” Celestia said. “He claims to be a clone of Stinkmeaner.”
“That’s impossible!” Luna said. “Stinkmeaner’s an earth pony, and this… creature is completely different in every way!”
“Alright, now who’s the nigga that started it?!”
“Well, at least their personalities are identical,” Celestia said sheepishly.
The old stallion looked around, giving a toothy smile. “Finally, some nigga’s steppin’ up! Who’s it?! C’mon!”
The human walked to the source of the voice, smiling just as crookedly. “Ooooh, so you’re the one startin’ shit? Ya know what they say: age before beauty, nigga!”
Luna slowly dropped the barrier and stared at the scene with everypony.
The pair circled each other in perfect sync, despite not being able to see where their opponents were. They quietly muttered curses and spat at each other, but didn’t attack. Instead, their smiles grew wider with each passing second.
To them, this was going to be the ultimate nigga moment. To the ponies, the tension was taking over in the form of fidgeting and hoof-biting, as if waiting for a storm to pass without been drawn in and beaten to a bloody pulp.
The Stinkmeaners suddenly stopped. A tumbleweed rolled between them, realized where it was, and rolled back where it came from.
“C’MON, NIGGAAAAAA!”
The sound of clashing plasting rang through the air and the fight was on.
The stallion blocked a blow that threatened to crush his skull. He scowled when his body gave away, letting in a clean blow across his face.
He wiped the blood off. “Damn, nigga! You got skills!” He grinned maniacally and charged again.
The stallion (we’ll call him “Coltmeaner” because “Stinkstallion” or “Ponymeaner” doesn’t roll off the tongue as well) aimed for the knee, but was parried and was immediately put on the defensive.
“Well, well, well!” the clone (we’ll call him Clonemeaner) said. “You’re a little short for yo age, aren’t ya, bitch-nigga?”
Clonemeaner swung down, but Coltmeaner dodged just in time to stick his cane between the human’s legs, tripping him.
Smirking, Coltmeaner leapt onto Clonemeaner’s torso and pummeled his face.
“What! Whatchu got, nyu-kka?!” he screamed over the sound of his punches.
Meanwhile, Twilight nudged Celestia, her mouth agape. “Princess, what’s going on?! Is this how you wanted to stop him?”
“No... of course not, Twilight.” She covered a rising smirk with a hoof. “I expected a fight, just not one this… gruesome.”
“You do not sound like you are complaining, sister,” Luna snidely said.
Celestia ignored her. “Anyways, if all goes according to plan, whoever wins would be too exhausted to resist capture, and then we’ll send them both to Tartarus where they belong.”
Luna nodded. “That seems appropriate. Nopony but the offender is hurt, and we can increase the security of Tartarus afterwards.”
“But what about all these-” Twilight ducked to avoid a tooth flying her way “-ponies who were affected by Stinkmeaner?”
“They should return to normal after both Stinkmeaners are out of town,” Celestia said. “Look, they’re taking themselves out.”
Indeed, after Clonemeaner knocked his pony version off him, they continued fighting while moving closer to the edge of town.
Even though they moved quickly, everypony only had to follow the blood trail and sound of swears.
“Nigga, you slowin’ down, huh?” Clonemeaner chuckled. His nose was bleeding and some of his hair was ripped off.
“Ha! Ya wish!” Coltmeaner, meanwhile, had cracked glasses and a cut lip.
They clashed sticks again, reenergized by each other’s taunts.
“Jeez, they’re really into this, huh?” Twilight asked. She saw Applejack and Rainbow walking to her, dirty from the earlier scuffle. “So you’re back to normal? What happened, both of you?”
“Ah… don’t really know mahself,” Applejack said in a slurred voice. “At first, I wanted to stop Stinkmeaner, but when I felt somepony punch me, Ah just… reacted.”
“Yeah, that’s what happened, I swear!” Rainbow said, looking around nervously. “So… what, we just wait for them to burn out? Oh, I could use some popcorn right now.”
“Rainbow!”
“What? I get bored when I’m not in the action!”
The Stinkmeaners were on their last leg now. Supporting themselves on their canes, they gave each other time to recuperate.
“Heh… that all, nigga?”
“This ain’t jack shit! “ Clonemeaner chuckled. “But damn, ya sure know how to fight. Who’re you, anyways?”
“Colonel Muthafuckin’ Stinkmeaner, that’s who!”
“Bullshit! Nigga, I’m Stinkmeaner!” Clonemeaner shouted.
“Like hell you-hold up.” Coltmeaner rubbed his chin. “Didja get a letter from one of those scientists to fuck up a nigga named Freeman?”
“Hell yeah!”
“Ha! So you ARE me!”
“Hot damn!” Clonemeaner limped over to him. “Tha hell happened to you? You got shorter!”
“Nigga, that’s exactly what happened!” Coltmeaner laughed and bumped him on his thigh. “When you die, ask the D-man how I kicked his ass.”
Both Stinkmeaners chuckled and leaned on each other.
Luna’s jaw dropped. “Is this a jest?! Were they not killing each other mere seconds ago?”
“I suppose even if they are hosts of unimaginable ignorance, they’re still intelligent enough to know when to stop fighting.” Celestia sighed. “Great, there goes my twenty bits.”
“I beg your pardon, sister?”
“We should get them now, while we have the chance!” Celestia primed her horn and flew towards the Stinkmeaners. “Both of you! If your little fight’s over with, prepare for Tartarus where you belong!”
Luna reluctantly joined her sister’s side. “Indeed! Neither of you can fight back now! Simply surrender yourselves and we will be as quick as possible!”
The two looked at each other, at the princesses, and back to each other.
“We’re really gonna go through with this?”
“Might as well.”
Without another word, they threw a punch to their respective princesses’ muzzles.
They covered their bleeding noses while everypony froze.
“Ding ding ding! Time for lesson number two, nigga!” Coltmeaner screamed, pulling out a new pair of glasses from nowhere. “Listen up, ya bitch-asses! All the shit y’all’ve seen be what we call a nigga moment!”
“What’s a nigga moment, you ask?” Clonemeaner interrupted. “It’s when two niggas kill each other’s ass for the most trivial of shits!
“However!” Coltmeaner raised a hoof. “Niggas can also create bonds with each other, also through trivial or ignorant things!”
“Like now!”
They lunged at the princesses, this time, hoping to land a kick.
Twilight was the first to recover from the shock, however, and managed to knock them back with a magic barrier.
“Enough!” she shouted. “Stinkmeaner! Both of you! I’ve had it with you niggas!”
Celestia flinched. “Uh, Twilight-”
“So y’all think you can stir up all this ruckus and get away with it?!” She stomped and walked up to Coltmeaner until their noses touched. “You come into MY town, beat up MY ponies, and just ‘cause ya got a new friend, ya think you’ll get away with it?!”
“Dear Twilight,” Luna said nervously. “Er, perhaps you should leave him to us? We are more prepared to deal with-”
“SHUT UP!”
“Eep!”
Twilight returned to the Stinkmeaners, steaming from her ears. “I’m done staying in the sidelines! Come at me, nigga!”
Their jaws were the same as most ponies’, but they picked themselves up quickly.
“Huh. First time seein’ a nigga woman in a nigga moment.” Coltmeaner smirked. “Fuck it!”
They collided in a storm of limbs, all three smiling maniacally.
“Sister, we must do something!” Luna cried. “She has been taken over the the veil of their ignorance! Sister…”
“Bet it all on Twilight!” Celestia screamed to a nearby bookie, shoving a pouch of bits in his face.
Meanwhile, the battle between the Stinkmeaners and Twilight continued. It was hard to determine who was winning, as the fight devolved into a three-way melee among its participants.
Everypony thought Twilight had the early advantage, what with her magic and the Stinkmeaners’ exhaustion. However, they were quickly proven wrong when the pair moved faster than ever.
Twilight was slowing down. Being teamed up on was draining her faster than she thought. The only reason she wasn’t out cold was because of her magic, and even that was being overcome by the two niggas.
Coltmeaner winded up and swung his cane down. Twilight barely blocked it with a magical shield, leaving four small craters under her hooves.
“You’re open, nigga!”
Twilight didn’t know how someone blind could sneak up on her, but Clonemeaner did, sending her flying.
“Oooh, I felt that, nigga!” He poked her with his cane. “What now, bitch? What now?!”
“Twilight, you must get up!” Celestia cried.
“Uh, Princess Celestia?” Applejack asked quietly. “Why don’t we just help her out? With the five of us, we can take ‘em, right?”
“Yeah! I could go another round with that old geezer!” Rainbow said, clopping her hooves together anxiously.
“No,” Celestia said. “If anypony else gets involved, the match is null-I mean, this is something Twilight must accomplish on her own.”
“Then why did you intervene in the first place?” Luna deadpanned.
Her face twisting into one of fury, Twilight bit down Clonemeaner’s cane and snatched it out of and stopped her from building momentum with his own cane.
“Let’s see how YOU like it!” she screamed. Not bothering with her magic, she swung the cane like a golfer, and their heads were the golf balls.
Clonemeaner stepped back. Coltmeaner ran up to her instead and stopped her from building momentum with his own cane.
“Ya weren’t expectin’ that, were ya?” he cackled. He twisted his body, and the cane slipped out of her grip, returning to its owner. “Whatchu gonna do now, nigga?”
Her eyes twitched in panic, but fury overtook once more. Her horn threatened to blow up with energy.
“How’s this then!”
A flash of light, and her horn fired a violet beam that encompassed the Stinkmeaners. Everypony screamed and covered their eyes.
When the light extinguished, everypony opened their eyes.
Where the niggas stood, a giant charred crater remained. A thick scent of burnt hair and melted plastic lingered, causing only the princesses to approach the site.
“Ha! Y’all were talking that good shit, a minute ago!” Twilight screamed to nobody in particular. “Now ya got fucked-”
Luna slapped her noggin, silencing her and removing the crazy look from her eyes.
“Whu… what happened?” she asked, clutching her head. “The Stinkmeaners… were fighting, and then…”
“Don’t worry, Twilight,” Celestia said, smiling. “You’re done perfectly. Now all that remains is to find them. We can take it from here. And speaking of taking…” She picked up her now enormous bag of bits from the bookie, who struggled to support its weight.
“But Princess, aren’t those two just, ya know… burnt to a crisp?” Applejack asked, pointing at the crater.
“I highly doubt it. Look.” She pointed up in the sky, and they saw two trails of smoke leading into the Everfree Forest.
“Ugh... tha fuck happened?” Clonemeaner groaned, struggling to stay afloat.
“Fuck if I know!” Coltmeaner reached land first. He shook like a dog to dry himself and smelled the air. “Where tha fuck are we now?”
“Exactly what you said!” The human wrung his sweater and tapped the ground. “I doubt we’re at that ol’ town anymore. Doubt a small place like that have a lake this big.”
After drying themselves, they walked around, trying to find an exit.
“Shit!” Clonemeaner stumbled on a vine, and fell into a entire cluster of them. “Fuck! We need ta get out of this shit!”
“You’re telling me!”
“Fuck this!”
“Tha fuck?!” Clonemaner looked around pointlessly. “Was that you, Stinkmeaner?”
“FUCK YEAH!”
Either it was an echo, or more than one Stinkmeaner answered his question.
“What?” Coltmeaner tapped his copy. “Clone, is that you?”
“YEAH, IT’S ME!”
Coltmeaner smirked. He didn’t know how, or why it happened, but he knew now was the time to fight back for real.
Author's Note
Here's the next one! You can already guess what the last chapter's going to be called.
I wanted this to be about 3k words, but I just wanted this up before I have to go to my classes tomorrow. I don't know when I'll upload the last chapter, but I'm sorry if the ending was anticlimactic.
If you spot any typos, I'm sorry. The editor for the first chapter, Maromar, he didn't seem to be online lately, and being an impatient SOB, I looked it over myself.
