The Curse

I sat in the back of my car, a glass Guinness mare atop me, beer in my gut and the smell of sweat permeating the faux-leather interior. I had my arms wrapped around the lukewarm beer mare, sloppily making out and draining the mare of the booze within. I pushed the Irish mare back. "Oh gods...what the fucks am I doing with muh life...."

The half full pony looked off the side of my gut and at the floor of the car. "...Bloody drinkin' and shite I guess...."

I laid my head back in the leather seat of my mustang and stared into my beer's eyes. "...Your accent gives me a boner...." I mumbled, grabbing the back of her head and pulling her into a tight hug. "...I want to fuck you...right here...."

Guinness just stared at me, shifting uneasily. "...Aye...but better ya don't. Didn't ya get stuck in that bottle of Pepsi last time ya tried that?"

I grew extremely agitated at her remark. "...It was...a bottle of scotch...and she went down...on me!" I shouted, tucking my arms under the beer's withers and lifting her up. "...You...you're beer, you're cheap--"

I caught a swift glass hoof to the jaw, "The fuck ya say to me!? I'll kick ya fuckin' 'ead in ya say that again!"

I stared at the mare, her fiery green eyes sharp and bitter. "...God damn you're hot...and cold...I don't know how to feel about you." I muttered, hugging the mare tight and digging my fingers into her soft gold brown mane. "Pony beer...why is Ireland such a crap stick?"

The bottle pony looked around nervously, trying to pull herself from my grasps, "Alright...I think you've 'ad enough-- what's that?" She asked, yanking her head free and catching a red and blue light in her glass. "Oh piss!" she snapped, rolling off of me and hiding under that seat.

I let out a strange grumbly moan as I picked up on the siren. "Oh shit...Mustang pull over!" I shouted, clawing my way upright and holding on as my ponified car slowed to a trot and stopped on the side of the midnight road. My car's rubber hooves plodded to a stop, the Guinness pony still hiding under the seats. I peered over the driver's seat, looking out the windows in my Mustang's chest. "...Shit...shiiiiit." I groaned, spotting a police cruiser blinking its light at me. "Look...we're innocent, right!?" I shouted to the car, grabbing her leather seats. "We're just gonna go see what they want, go home, get you a nice oil change, okay?!"

"Radek, Radek, they're getting closer!" The mare car shrieked, lifting a hoof in fear. "Radek!"

"Chill the fuck out!" I shouted, clamoring over the seats and plopping down in the driver's seat. I turned the key, keeping the power on but turning off the engine. "I got this, now lay down and let me figure this shit out."

Slowly but surely the mare car settled down and laid down, returning me to the earth and letting me roll down the window. An uncomfortable looking cop strolled up and looked my car over. "Uh...license and registration?"

I hazily reached over towards the glove compartment, my car's insides staying relatively similar despite growing legs instead of tires and a head instead of a front end. "What seems to be the officer, Mr. Problem?" I asked, yanking my registration out and letting him take my wallet. "...Problems?"

The cop took my papers, looking them over and walking back around to my car's rear end. Mustang shifted uneasily. "...Radek...he's grabbing my tail...."

"It's cool, just be cool!" I hissed, leaning out of the rib side window and watching two cops scratch their heads and look at my car's ass. "...I'm sorry...why are you here? Like...what did I do wrong?"

One of the cops perked up, sauntering over to me and leaning against my car. "Sir...are you aware you're riding inside a giant metal pony?"

I started snickering, first softly, then a full blown bellow. "Dude...dude...it's a mustang...I fucking know!" I shouted, breathing on the cop.

The officer took a step back and waved a small notepad before his nose. "Uh sir...have you been drinking?"

"Fuck yes...." I reached back, grabbing the still ponified bottle and pulling her head into the gut window. "See this!? You make out with Irish thing, you get fucking wasted!"

"...Mornin...." Guinness mumbled, slowly sinking back down.

The cop gave me a look like no other, simultaneously calling me an idiot questioning his own sanity all at once. "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the car."

"...Why?" I mumbled, leaning out the window. "Was she swerving?" I asked, looking towards the headlight eye'd mare. "...Cause...she's pretty good at driving herself."

The cop rubbed his face. "Sir...please just step out of the car."

I let out an angry grown and popped the door open, sliding out and leaning against Mustang's ribs. "Alright...I'm out."

The cop took my by the shoulder. "Alright, we're just gonna give you a quick field--"

I yanked my arm away, "No you're not. I wasn't fucking driving! There's no reason for me to take a fucking drunk test!" I shouted, stumbling back against the car. "I know I'm drunk anyways!"

The cop shook his head. "Sir...I'm gonna put these on you," he pulled out a set of handcuffs and held them limply in his left hand, "understand you're not under arrest but it's for--"

"Am I being aggressive?!" I shouted, "...Besides angry, shouty...."

"Sir, I have reason to believe you were driving under the influence, and I just need to--"

I held onto the car's foreleg, carefully sitting down on the ground. "I told you...I wasn't driving!"

The cop walked up to me, placing his hand on his taser. "Sir, we saw the vehicle in motion, you're the only occu- only occupant with hands! So I'm forced to assume--"

"She was driving herself!" I shouted, pointing back at her. "Go, turn her on and she'll do it!"

The cop brought his handcuffs out again. "Alright sir, you need to come with us," He pulled me up and faced me against the car. "You're under arrest for DUI--"

"I have two witnesses!" I shouted, kicking my car's back hoof. "Look...I'll sit and be quiet, but you need to turn that car on!"

I was carried over to the cop car, sat on the hood while the two cops conversed. "...He wasn't swerving...."

"He's obviously drunk,"

"Obviously, but no signs of erratic driving."

"He said the car- the- whatever that thing is, robot horse, was driving itself."

"...Well can it?"

The two cops went silent, looking towards me. The one who hadn't handcuffed me walked over and stuck his hands in his belt. "...Alright, so...you claim this thing can drive itself, do I have your permission to let it?"

I nodded. "Just turn the key. Hey, Mustang, you're gonna go for a little ride okay!?"

The car turned her head to me, headlights causing everyone to turn away. "...I- where!?"

The cops looked unnerved at the talking pony car. "...Uh...just...up and down the street? I really don't know what the proper protocol for this is." One of the cops walked up to my car, sticking his hand in the side window and turning on the pony. "...Alright...so--"

We all watched as the pony stood tall and trotted in place. "So just like, up the street and right back!?" She shouted nervously. She slowly walked up the street in a perfectly straight line, and right back to us in much the same way. "...Like that, I did it right!?"

The cops just stood there, gawking. "...I- so...." He walked up to the car, head height with the door panels. "Bring it down?" He asked, causing my car to lay flat and give him a good view of the inside. "...Hey...you, thing," he muttered, tapping the back window. "Can you come out here?"

The Guinness pony slowly lowered the window. "...Hi, how can I help ya?"

The officer looked around uncomfortably, setting his gaze on his fellow cop, who promptly shrugged. "Uh...Can you confirm Mr. Radek wasn't driving?"

The Guinness nodded slowly. "Aye...he was with me...in the back."

The officer scratched his head. "...Would you be willing to take a breathalyzer test?"

"Dude, she's filled with beer!" I shouted, "And she's made of glass!"

The officer looked back at me, mixed expression belaying utter confusion. "...I really don't know what the fuck to do here John."

The officer with me just shook his head. "...We- the thing can drive itself...it wasn't erratic...there's beer in the back and not a single stain in the front...I really- I- I don't know!"

The two officers walked back to me. "Uh...we're going to...." The officer who cuffed me turned me around and undid the cuffs. "...Self operated...don't...." He held me straight, staring me in the eyes. "We're going to keep in touch...you're not...you might be fined...but we really don't have anything."

I chuckled and hugged the cop, "Dude...that's awesome, now you guys wanna see something really cool?" I asked, drawing their attention away from their car and closing my eyes hard. "....Wabam!" I shouted, breaking the hug and taking a step back.

The cop looked around confused, "I don't--"

"Wooopwoop!" The cruiser shrieked, turning its head to meet us. "Sir, ready to roll." The freshly transformed cop car stood tall, staring down at its owners.

The two cops just stared in awe as I stumbled back towards my own. "Oooooh my god, that was awesome!" I screamed, pulling myself into my car and plopping back down in the back seat. "Let's get the hell home! Mustang, gonna get you tuned up like the boss you are!"

My car let out a loud beep, startling the officers and causing the cop car pony to flash her lights. "Hey, quiet down!" The cop car shouted, narrowing her eyes. "I've got my headlights on you...."