The Curse

        I walked up my driveway, my house staring at me as my office’s water cooler dragged along behind me. “I don’t understand why you had to follow me home. Your company property.This is basically theft on my part.”

        “Well, they said that they didn’t want me anymore. They said that my nozzle wasn’t workplace friendly anymore and I talked to much.” The water cooler said with a smile “Besides, it would have been boring. Waiting for hours, harassing the cleaning staff.”

        “Well I guess when you fill everybody's cups with your dick, you’re bound to rustle some jimmies.” I stepped through the door to the house, placing my sword back into the umbrella holder. “

        “Welcome home Dad, how was work?” The house spoke softly.

        I walked to the kitchen, stepping around several cleaning appliances as they cleaned the floors. “Eh, just another day pushing papers and reports. The sword came in handy with the mail.”

        The rafters creaked as the house cleared its nonexistent throat. “Thats nice, dinner should be done soon. The stove is trying a new recipe tonight. She said it was something lighter.”

        “Something lighter? That sounds interesting.” I stepped through the doorway to the kitchen. “Yo stove, what cookin for dinner?”

        The stove looked over to me, “It's chicken and vegetable kebabs with a garlic vinaigrette marinade with a salad on the side and water to drink”

        “Ooo, sounds fancy. whats the occasion?” I leaned over the stove to see the food cooking in a pan attached to her tail.

        “Well, I was talking to the bathroom scale today. He’s concerned that you’re gaining weight. Naturally, I thought I could help by adjusting your diet to include more healthy options and cutting out more of the fatty foods.” it said matter of factly

I gave the stove a slight frown, then walked to the doorway. “Fuck you scale! Im not getting fat! If you talk about my weight again, I’ll use you like a damned frisbee!” I yelled out to the bathroom as I walked back towards the kitchen.

A door opened with a slam. A flat pony with tiny stub legs and a counter on his head stormed out. “You are getting fat! You measured three and seven-twelfths of a pound heavier and you aren’t exercising at all!”

Several of the appliances and furniture started snickering. The dining table and chairs shuffled closer to me. “Dad, you are getting a little heavier. He’s just trying to look out for you.”

I turned and glared at the chair that spoke up. “I’m not getting fat, you guys are just getting weak, and that scale needs to be recalibrated anyway.”

The scale kicked the wall. “I calibrate myself before you step on me everytime! You need to lose weight, fat ass!”

“Go flush yourself you little plastic shit!” I yelled back. “You know what, I’m gonna go smoke. Hang out with Guinness and Mustang.”

I opened the fridge and a glass pony filled with a black liquid stepped out with a clink of its hooves on the ground. “lets go Guinness, its beer time.”

“Aye, its about that time again isn’t it. We sittin’ down for dinner or going to the couch for T.V?” it said as I turned around and walked to the front door.

“nope, we’re going outside to sit with Mustang. Need to calm down before dinner.” I sat down next Mustang as I pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes.

“Rough day at work was it?” Guinness said as it sat next to me.

“Nope. Just needed to relax. How was your day Mustang?” I lit a cigarette and took a long drag

Mustang’s head tilted in my direction “Well, I scared off a bird before it shat on me. We also stepped on a squirrel this morning on the way to your office.”

I took another drag “Well, we’ll have to keep an eye out for those little fur balls next time. Maybe also get you to a car way and clean you up a bit.”

A loud crash came from behind as glass rained down from one of the windows on the ground floor. The kitchen timer landed near me and started screaming at me, blaring a bright red light the whole time.

“Bwap-bwap-bwap! Dinner’s done ya tit!” It stormed out and marched around the concrete walkway, lifting its grey plastic hooves high with each step. “It’s gonna get burned! It’s gonna get burned! Bwap-bwap-bwap!”

I bit my lip as the tiny timer marched around the pile of glass. The house looked over. “Uh...ow.”

I stood up and rubbed my face. “Mustang, we need to go find an ATM.”