A Bunch of A-Holes

  As soon as the filly was out the door, Gamora turned to Twilight and growled, “You should have banished me.  It wouldn’t have been the first time.”

The purple Alicorn sighed, “Actually, that’s not how we do things in Equestria.  Nopony gets banished for a little bit of property damage.  Sheesh.  I didn’t even get banished for breaking into the restricted section of the royal library.”

Gamora just stared at her for a minute, “What?  Then what did they cut off?  Arm, leg, was it your tail?”

Twilight swallowed, “Uh…None of the above.  We don’t do that here.  What sort of Tartarus did you come from?”

__

“I am Groot.”  Fluttershy watched as the Timberwolf gently lifted the little metal carriage and placed it down further along the path.

She smiled, “Excellent roll, Groot.  Now, did you want to buy Market Street, or just pay rent to the bank?”

He nodded and slid several of the fake bits across the table, to where Angel Bunny was sitting, counting the bank’s bits.  The bunny took the pile and quickly slid the pieces into their respective bins, chittering at Groot.  Groot sighed, a long sound that could possibly have been ‘Groot’.

Fluttershy picked up the dice and rolled them, giggling quietly as they rolled double sixes.  Her wingtip grabbed the metal Pegasus figurine and slid it along the path, around the corner, “Yay!  Angel Bunny, I would like to use my two hundred bits from passing go to purchase a home here on Town Street.”

The Bunny sent her a glare, but slid over the small green model hut and the card for the street, and in return swiped the dice for his own turn.

__

Rainbow Dash slid out of the sky, settling hooves first on the cloud porch at the front of her home.  A quick glance around showed her that nopony else was anywhere near.  Where had that stallion gone off to now?  She looked up, expecting him to maybe fall out of the sky, because he wasn’t particularly good at arcing along a level altitude without help.  Nopony there either.  She turned around, wondering if maybe he had landed behind her.  Nothing.  Oh well, he’d catch up.  Probably after her shower.

She opened the door and trotted inside, smiling as she kicked off some trailing bits of industrial cloud on the floor.  Her shower was just upstairs, and she still didn’t hear that horrible whine of his jet things.  It had faded out after he had shot straight up into the sky without warning.

She grabbed a towel and pushed open the bathroom door, only to see that there was already a body in the shower.  A stallion with reddish-brown fur and a stark brown mane, scrubbing her very expensive shampoo into his mane like it was the cheap bulk stuff she used to use before she met Rarity.  He tipped his head and glanced at her, “Well, are you just going to stand there, or are you going to come in?”

She stared dumbly, towel falling from her grip.  It was certainly not the first time she had seen a stallion in such a position.  Macintosh Apple had been the first, and had been less than pleased about her peeping.  Applejack had been worse when she had found out, mercilessly teasing her on and off marefriend about maybe not being completely and totally a filly-fooler.

What would she say now, at seeing Rainbow gawking at this stallion.  Even if he was clearly putting on a show, trying to entice her to join him.  And he was wasting her shampoo, “Hey, that stuff’s expensive.  Gimme that!”  She lunged into the shower and grabbed at the bottle.

__

Celestia landed softly on the porch of the cloud house and trotted in, closing the door gently behind her.  Above her, she could hear the sound of rain falling, the familiar sounds of a pony splashing in the cloud-showers common to Pegasi, even the ground-bound ones, music to her ears.  Rainbow Dash, or the visitor, probably.  She doubted it would be the visitor.  Guests rarely did enough work in one day to necessitate a shower.  Many didn’t shower more than once a week.

She reached the top of the stairs, still looking around for whichever one wasn’t in the shower.  Her ear flicked towards the partially open door as a crashing sound echoed out with the sound of wet fur slapping against wet fur.  Carefully she pushed on the door, “Are you alri…”

Starlord looked at the Princess through a curtain of rainbow mane, wings matted to the floor of the shower.  There was no hint of shame on his muzzle as he placed a hoof on the back of Rainbow Dash’s head, “Who are you?”

“I am the Princess of this nation.  I believe you are the captain of this group of criminals that has recently come to Equestria.”

The red stallion smirked, “Peter Quill, at your service, Princess.  I will be with you in just a minute.  This filly is…” he made a choking sound, and Celestia noticed that the mare’s head was twisted at an unusual angle relative to his neck.   He grabbed at her mane and pulled roughly, “Lemme go!  I need that nec…”  He stopped abruptly as her hoof met his jaw.

Rainbow twisted around and looked at the Princess, “Sorry about that, Princess.  I slipped and fell on him.”

The princess nodded, “I understand, my little pony.  I must speak with him though, without you, you understand?”

She nodded and quickly scrambled out of the bathroom, leaving Starlord lying on his back, half in, half out of the bowl, “Well, Princess.  What did you need to te…” He coughed as his coat slammed into his abdomen, “Gack.  Ow.  The hell was that for!”

“Come with me, creature.  I know why you came.  I know…” she stopped at his snickering sounds, “I’m sorry, that was not meant to be funny.  Understand this, I move the Sun itself.  If you bring any harm to my little ponies on your quest for vengeance, I will personally ensure that you Never again have the chance of procreating.”

He swallowed, “Very well.  What did you need to tell me.  Hurry it up though, I’ve got five more of them to woo before I leave.”

He couldn’t possibly miss the growl of barely restrained rage, “The creature you seek, the Lord of Death, he is not here in this world.  You have been misled.”

“Well that’s a wonderful dilemma.  Do you know where the bastard is?”

“Not right now, I do not.  I know where he will be in six months because I have an arranged meeting with him to discuss your presence here.  At that time, you will be in audience with him.  I will not stop you from performing your mission, but I will warn you, if any pony witnesses the event, you will be terminally punished.”

“Yes Ma’am.  Please, inform us if you receive any more information.  Now, I was in the middle of something, and I would very much like to finish so my pants don’t get soapy.”

Celestia turned, and trotted out the door, waving her tail mockingly at the stallion.  Let him know what he could never have, and maybe he would better himself in an attempt to attain it.  That was why she had no problem posing for those magazines every decade or so.