My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Back at the library, Twilight is pacing furiously.

Spike: She just said all that to get under your skin.

Twilight: Well it WORKED!

Spike: Calm down. You’re OBVIOUSLY not the product of some ancient zebra curse.  There hasn’t even been a zebra in Equestria for… who knows how long?

Twilight: Then what’s her plan?!

Spike: There is no plan. She’s just trying to psych you out. Be better than her, Twilight. Beat her at her own game and win back your friends.

Spike pauses.

Spike: I mean, or don’t. I really have nothing at stake here. Still, it’s late and I’d like to go to sleep.

Twilight: Fine.

Twilight turns off the lights, but stares wistfully into the night sky.

The next day, in the center of Ponyville, Trixie has once again set up her magic stage, and the crowd has gathered.

Trixie: Good citizens of Ponyville, the fated hour is at hand.

In the crowd, Applejack is fiddling with a camera on a tripod.

Applejack: Dangnabbit, I can’t get the focus right with all these extras crowdin’ my shot.

Rainbow: You’re filming this?

Applejack: The raw “you are there” documentary style is all the rage these days. “Magic Duel” is gonna take the underground circuit by storm.

Pinkie: Magic Duel?

Applejack: The title of my documentary.

Pinkie: Right.

Trixie: The title of “Greatest Magic User in Equestria” is a vaunted one, yet contested as well. The Great and Powerful Trixie knows the honor belongs to her, yet your very own Twilight Sparkle has seen fit to contest my reign.

Crowd Pony A: She’s not “ours.”

Crowd Pony B: No one even invited her. She just showed up!

Trixie: The matter will be decided once and for all, through a magic competition the likes of which this world has never seen. Twilight, come to this stage and FACE ME!

Twilight appears on stage in a cloud of magic smoke.

Twilight: Before we begin, I’d like to say a few words to the crowd. If you wouldn’t mind, Trixie.

Trixie: It makes no difference. I will allow it.

Twilight: Canterlot was my home for much of my life, but it was never my HOME. I didn’t make friends easily… or at all. My books kept me company, my studies kept me sane, but there was something missing from my life, something I could never place my hoof on… until I came to Ponyville. It’s here, in the warm laugh of a close friend, in the cheerful smile of a friendly neighbor, that I’ve found what truly matters in life: other ponies. The way I acted yesterday was an embarrassment. Also that bonfire got a bit out of hoof. I deserve the flak I’ve caught. Much soul searching has led me to the conclusion that my standing in this community is more important than any meaningless title.

Twilight turns to Trixie.

Twilight: There will be no competition, Trixie. I concede defeat.

Twilight (to the crowd): Please forgive me.

The crowd murmurs excitedly, obviously responsive to Twilight’s plea.

Trixie: WHAT?!

A cloud of red smoke erupts behind Trixie.

Trixie: You cannot back out of your commitment so easily. The competition WILL go on!

Rarity: Ooh, drama. How theatrical!

Twilight: You won, Trixie. You’re the greatest magic user in Equestria.

Trixie: A lifetime of work will not be undone by some saccharine display of modesty. Our magic will fly, and the world will know you for what you truly are!

Trixie casts a lightning bolt at Twilight, which she quickly dodges. The crowd erupts.

Crowd Pony A: The show’s over, Trixie.

Crowd Pony B: No one likes a sore winner.

Trixie: SILENCE!!

Trixie casts a spell and Crowd Pony B vanishes.

Crowd Pony D: What did you do to her?!

Trixie: I sent her away, where she will not be a bother.

In the Everfree Forest.

Crowd Pony B appears in a humble hut, surrounded by two dead manticore kittens and half-eaten muffins.

Crowd Pony B: Well, I was hungry anyway.

The pony picks up the two corpses.

Crowd Pony B: These will go great in a stew!

Back in Ponyville.

Trixie casts a magic dome around the pavilion, trapping everyone inside.

Trixie: Anyone else who interrupts these proceedings will meet a fate assuredly less kind. Now, Twilight, where were we?

Twilight: Not having a magic competition!

Trixie: You are not in a position to refuse. Yet you require more convincing? Very well.

Trixie casts a spell, and the other five members of the Mane Six appear on stage, hooves bound by magic cuffs.

Applejack: Put us back! I gotta stay behind the camera!

Trixie: If you refuse, one of your closest friends… will die.

A hush falls over the audience.

Pinkie: Ooh, ooh, pick me! I volunteer!

Trixie looks over the five captive ponies.

Pinkie: Pleeeeeaassseee, pick me! I’ll do anything.

Trixie continues looking over her captives.

Pinkie: Just pick me. Pick me pick me pick me!

Trixie: The yellow one.

The other four ponies are returned to the crowd, but Fluttershy remains on stage. She whimpers piteously.

Trixie: What say you, Twilight Sparkle?

Crowd Pony A: Give her hell, Twilight!

Crowd Pony C: Do it for my dearly departed grandma!

Twilight: Fine.

Trixie: Excellent. And if you lose…your friend dies.

Fluttershy squeals even louder.

Twilight: No! That’s not fair!

Trixie: You’re in no position to make demands. Now, for your first challenge: the pony I just banished… bring her back.

Twilight: But I don’t know where she is!

Trixie: Irrelevant.

Twilight closes her eyes and concentrates. She charges her horn to full power, then screams as she lets out a powerful spell. Crowd Pony B reappears in the crowd, with a bubbling pot in front of her.

Crowd Pony B: Hey guys… who’s hungry?

Trixie: Child’s play. Fair is fair, you may now propose a magic challenge for the Great and Powerful Trixie.

Twilight: Um…

Twilight’s Mind: Processing. Processing. Insufficient data. Generating randomized response.

Twilight: Find the first partial derivatives of the function f(x,y) = y^5 – 3xy.

Trixie: That’s not magic!

Applejack: Sure sounds like it to me.

Twilight: Using magic, find the first partial derivatives of the function f(x,y) = y^5 – 3xy.

Trixie: This is beneath me.

Trixie concentrates momentarily.

Trixie: With respect to x: -3y. With respect to y: 5y^4 – 3x.

Twilight (under her breath): She’s good.