My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

That evening, at Trixie’s makeshift abode.

Snips: I have brought the smoothie you requested, oh object of my most devout protection. A surplus of hay has been included, meeting your exact taste specifications.

Snails: Hay is a rich source of nutrients

Rolling her eyes, Trixie magicks the smoothie to her mouth and begins drinking. Motionless, Snips and Snails stare at her.

Trixie: …yes?

Snips: Regale us with another tale of your magical heroics, Great and Powerful Trixie.

Snails: We shall listen, and prepare reports detailing the central themes and metaphors of your timeless tales.

Trixie: Trixie is far too exhausted from performing feats beyond imagination. Guard me silently – you are not paid for your company.

Snails: We’re getting paid?!

Twilight walks up to the group.

Snips and Snails: HALT! WHO GOES THERE?!

Twilight: Hi guys, it’s me… Twilight.

Snips: REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THESE PREMISES OR YOU SHALL BE REMOVED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!

Trixie: You’ve made your point, bodyguard. The Great and Powerful Trixie can handle herself.

Trixie (to Twilight): I was wondering if you would come. Please, step inside my tent.

A tent appears behind Trixie, and she walks inside.

Snails: Benevolent overlord! Where did you go?!

Trixie: I’m in the tent you dolts.

Snips and Snails stand upright.

Snails: Of course.

Snips: You may enter, Twilight.

Twilight steps inside the tent.

Snails: Best bodyguards ever.

Once Twilight is inside, Trixie casts a spell.

Trixie: There. That will prevent those idiots from overhearing us.

Twilight: Trixie, I just wanted to… how I acted today, it was out of line. I wanted to apologize, to try to make things right.

Trixie: Apologize?

Trixie pauses.

Trixie: Apologize?!

Trixie laughs uproariously.

Trixie: You know not that which you need apologize for!

Twilight: Um… all right…

Trixie: Of course you don’t remember. Why would you? It was so long ago… at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns!

Twilight: Back at school…?

Trixie: Yes. I tried out the same year you did, Twilight Sparkle. Twenty dragon eggs were harvested that year, for twenty students admitted to the class, and twenty only. My family was not from Canterlot, and could not afford another trip. I had but one chance… and my entrance exam was scheduled immediately following yours. I was just outside the door.

Twilight: You were?

Trixie: I felt the Sonic Rainboom. I saw through the door your… transformation. The way your eyes glowed, your magic surged… it was unnatural. Celestia may not have seen it, but I knew yours was a dark magic.

Twilight: That’s not true!

Trixie: But it is. I’ve done extensive research. For you see, the Rainboom had an unexpected side effect: it carried your spell. All dragon eggs within its radius were hatched instantaneously. Canterlot’s entire supply, gone in an instant. All further entrance exams for the year were canceled – only those who had already passed were permitted into the school. “Please try again next year,” Celestia said, as if it mattered. We left Canterlot dejected, my one chance having been ruined by you.

Twilight: That’s… not my fault…

Trixie: I spent years studying what I had seen. Black magic, witchcraft, the occult; I knew SOMETHING had the answer. And indeed, I finally found it, in an ancient tome black as soot, written in an obsolete tongue. The translation was arduous, but it pointed to an inescapable conclusion: a zebra curse.

Twilight: What?!

Trixie: You were cursed at birth by zebra magic, undetectable to any unicorn. It lies dormant within you, waiting to be awakened by external stimuli. What purpose this curse serves is unclear, but I can tell you this: it is not just to hatch eggs.

Twilight: This is insane! I’m through apologizing to you! I thought I was the jealous one, but you have to make up lies just to feel better about yourself!

Trixie: You were never meant for magic. My Cutie Mark is a wand! What’s yours… a sparkle?!

Twilight: It’s my family crest!

Trixie: How quaint.

Twilight: I don’t like your tone!

Trixie: Nonetheless, I will take it. Revenge is all that matters to me, Twilight. Revenge, and exposing you for the abomination you are. When I heard you had vanquished Nightmare Moon, I knew the time had arrived. I came to Ponyville for you, I adopted my persona to pry at your insecurities, I proposed our competition with the utmost of intention. Tomorrow you shall find your magic put to the ultimate test.

Trixie pauses.

Trixie: The truth of your existence will be laid bare for all to see.

Twilight: And your LIES will be exposed! I’m the Element of Magic! I’m not a monster, and I could beat you at your stupid game with one hoof tied behind my back!

Trixie: I eagerly anticipate it.

Twilight scream then runs out of the tent.

Snips (to Snails): Our very presence finally drove her away. Truly, we have found our calling in bodyguarding.