My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

In Twilight's library.

The curtains are drawn. Outside, the sun has already risen, but inside, the bedroom remains unlit, save for the candles strategically placed throughout. The door cracks open; natural light brazenly penetrating the meticulously prepared mood lighting, if only for a moment. Twilight slinks into the room, slowly closing the door with her right hind hoof, never so much as looking back at it.

Twilight (seductively): Well good morning.

Taking her time, making the moment linger in the air like the scent of a new textbook cracked open for the first time, Twilight inches toward the bed.

Twilight: Just had to freshen up a bit; I hope you weren't waiting too long. I skipped breakfast, you know. Wouldn't want to ruin that "freshly brushed" clean. Carrot flavored toothpaste. Your favorite.

Twilight walks past the bed, finally standing over an adjacent nightstand.

Twilight: Now... I've got a special treat for you.

Using her magic, Twilight levitates Crime and Punishment, the book she's been addressing the whole time, over to the bed. She kneels in front of it.

Twilight: Oh Raskolnikov, you've been a bad boy, haven't you? Killing Alyona, just like that. You knew there would be... repercussions.

Using both hooves, Twilight repeatedly flips the book's pages front to back, back to front, taking in their musk as they waft in front of her nose.

Twilight: Oh, yeah, do you like that? Do you like your... punishment?

Twilight chuckles to herself.

Twilight: Get it? "Punishment?"

Suddenly, Twilight shoots straight up.

Twilight: But enough of my underappreciated wit! I've got your attention now, and I know just the thing to finish you off.

Twilight flips to the exact center of the book, laying it flat on its spine. She slowly lowers her horn into the crease.

Twilight: Let me be your Sonya-

Spike bursts through the door.

Spike: Twilight, are you coming? We don't want to keep Applejack waiting-

Spike's voice trails off as he takes in his surroundings, realizing he entered the room at the exact moment of literary penetration. Twilight leaps away from the book.

Twilight: SPIKE!

Spike: I'm gonna be sick.

Twilight attempts to use her hooves to cover her body.

Twilight: Leave, Spike! I'm not... I'm not dressed properly!

Spike: You don't wear clothes!

Twilight nervously glances around the room.

Twilight: Well... well... Crime and Punishment isn't dressed properly!

Spike: "Crime and Punishment isn't dressed properly." That's what you're going with?!

Twilight (stuttering): I... I...

Twilight's Mind: Error! Irreconcilably awkward situation in progress. Initiating emergency system shutdown.

Twilight: Get me to Sweet Apple Acres...

Twilight's voice cuts out as she falls to the ground.

Spike: Twilight?

There is no response.

Spike: Twilight?

There continues to be no response.

Spike: Why does this happen to me?

Later that day, at Sweet Apple Acres.

Spike, panting, drags Twilight, by the tail, in front of the barn.

Spike: We're here!

Applejack trots up.

Applejack: There y'all are! Do you know what time it is?

Applejack notices Twilight lying completely motionless.

Applejack: Good gravy! Is she all right?!

Spike: Well... this is really nothing out of the ordinary.

Twilight's Mind: Initiating system reboot. Error! Memory files in the folder "This Morning" have been corrupted. Would you like to restart in Safe Mode?

Twilight (leaping to her feet): No one EVER uses Safe Mode!

Spike: See? Everything's back to normal.

Applejack: Are you ok, sugarcube?

Twilight: Yes, although I'm afraid I don't remember how I got here.

Applejack: Spike dragged ya all the way here unconscious!

Twilight: Oh my. How embarrassing. I must have really needed my beauty sleep this morning! But... I did promise to help you harvest apples today. Is it too late?

Applejack: Now don't you fret about it none, Twilight. I did bet Big Macintosh I could get all the golden delicious in the barn by lunchtime, but it ain't no big deal. If I'd won, though, he had to walk down Stirrup Street in one of Granny's girdles!

Applejack laughs to herself.

Twilight: Applejack, I'm impressed. Encouraging Big Macintosh to wear female clothing is quite progressive of you!

Applejack: Huh. I never thought of it like that. Don't wanna seem like I approve of transvestites. Can't have Apple Bloom gettin' the wrong ideas. That's why she ain't allowed to talk to Rainbow Dash. Guess your oversleepin' was a blessing in disguise!

Twilight (smiling): Pleasure to be of service!

As she speaks, Twilight's stomach growls loudly. She giggles nervously.

Twilight: Oh, I never had breakfast. I guess we'd better get some food.

Spike: Tell me about it. Dragging you around all morning was hard work. I am hungry!

Suddenly, Spike lets out a loud burp.

Applejack: You burp when you're hungry?

Twilight: No... it's a letter from Princess Celestia.

Clearing his throat, Spike picks up the scroll which appeared in the fires of his belch.

Spike: "Hear ye, hear ye, her grand royal highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria-" -we know who you are, you narcissistic-

Twilight (interjecting): Spike! Don't interject!

Spike: Fine. Where was I? Let's see, self-important roll call, blah blah blah, "is pleased to announce the Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificent capital city of Canterlot on the 21st day of..." yadda yadda yadda... "cordially extends an invitation to Twilight Sparkle plus one guest."

The two ponies glance at each other excitedly.

Applejack and Twilight: The Grand Galloping Gala!

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 3: The Ticket Master

Applejack and Twilight: The Grand Galloping Gala!

Spike: You just said that.

The pair hops around giddily. Spike gags, but proceeds to belch up two golden tickets.

Twilight: The tickets! Oh, this is so exciting! I've never been to the gala, have you, Spike?

Spike: No. They have a strict "no slaves" policy. I tried to tell the guards I'm an indentured servant, but-

Twilight (interrupting with a sigh): You're really running that phrase into the ground, you know that?

Applejack: Can you just imagine? Oh, I'd love to go! Why, if I had an apple stand set up, ponies would be chowin' on our tasty vittles 'til the cows came home. Do you have any idea how much business I could drum up for Sweet Apple Acres? With all that money, we could do a heap of fixin' up around here. We could replace that saggy old roof! Big Macintosh could replace that saggy old plow! And Granny Smith could replace those saggy old... well, you get the idea.

Twilight: It sounds very important to you.

Applejack: I'd give my left hind leg to go to that gala. And my right to see it run by someone other than Celestia, but hey, ya can't have everything I suppose.

Spike: Like half your legs, apparently.

Twilight: Well, in that case, would you like to...

Rainbow: Whoooaaa!

Rainbow Dash crashes to the ground between Twilight and Applejack.

Rainbow: Are we talking about the Grand GALLOPING Gala?!

Twilight: By your emphasis, am I to infer there's a different gala with a similarly alliterative naming scheme which could cause confusion?

Rainbow: Well, the Grand Gallivanting Gala... but there's no reason you'd have heard of it.

In the past.

At the Grand Gallivanting Gala.

There is loud music, flashing lights, and the dance floor is filled entirely with same sex couples.

Rainbow (to a nearby pony): I don't actually belong here. It was one "Ellen" taping, that's it!

In the present.

Applejack: Rainbow Dash. You told me you were too busy to help me harvest apples. What were you busy doing? Spyin'?

Rainbow: No. I was busy napping.

Rainbow points to a blanket and pillow on the branch of a nearby tree.

Twilight: I guess every pony overslept today.

Rainbow (to Twilight): I just happened to hear that you have an extra ticket?

Twilight: Yeah, but-

Rainbow: YES! This is so awesome! The Wonder Bolts perform at the Grand Galloping Gala every year. I can see it now... everyone would be watching the sky. Their eyes riveted on the Wonder Bolts. But then, in would fly... Rainbow Dash! I would draw their attention with my Super Speed Strut. Then, I would mesmerize them with my Fantastic Filly Flash. And for my grand finale, the Buccaneer Blaze! The ponies would go wild! The Wonder Bolts would insist that my signature moves be incorporated into their routine, and then... welcome me as their newest member!

Spike: It wouldn't happen like that.

Rainbow (continuing unfazed): Don't you see, Twilight? This could be my one chance to show 'em my stuff! You've gotta take me!

Applejack grabs Rainbow Dash by the tail.

Applejack: Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here! I asked for that ticket first.

Rainbow: So? I asked for it better!

Applejack: I was Twilight's friend first. You didn't even like her 'til after we beat Nightmare Moon!

Rainbow: So? We're friends now! And besides, my reasons make more sense.

Applejack: Hardly. Twilight, ya gotta keep in mind, I'm thinking about my family first, but when I'm at the Gala, I can talk up my films to some VERY powerful executives. It could jump start my entire directing career!

Rainbow: She just stole the "jump starting her career" thing from me!

Applejack: I did not!

Rainbow: You don't even know filmmakers attend the Grand Galloping Gala!

Applejack: That's it. I challenge you to a hoof rassle. Winner gets the ticket.

Rainbow: No problem.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash bolt to a nearby tree stump and begin hoof wrestling, glaring at each other the whole time.

Twilight: Girls!

Twilight pushes the two ponies away from each other.

Twilight: These are my tickets. I'll decide who gets it, thank you very much. Whoever has the best reason to go should get the ticket, don't you think?

Rainbow: A chance to audition for the Wonder Bolts!

Applejack: Drummin' up business for the farm!

Rainbow: Living the dream!

Applejack: Livin' MY dream!

Twilight: Oh dear. Those are all pretty good reasons, aren't they?

Twilight's stomach growls loudly once again.

Twilight: Heh heh, listen to that. I am starving. I don't know about you, but I can't make important decisions on an empty stomach.

As she talks, Twilight slowly backs away from her friends, levitating Spike onto her back.

Twilight: So, I'll uhh... think about it over lunch and get back to you two. Ok?

Twilight hurriedly walks away from the farm.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash (dejectedly): Ok...

The two ponies make eye contact and, narrowing their brows, immediately resume their unresolved hoof wrestling match.

In Ponyville.

Spike: So who are you gonna give the ticket to, Twilight?

Twilight: I don't know, Spike. They both had such good reasons.

Spike: Really? Rainbow Dash wants to impede a professionally choreographed performance, and Applejack wants to peddle cheap wares on uninterested customers. I'd say neither of them has a good reason to go.

Twilight: Don't forget, Applejack also wants to get herself noticed as a filmmaker.

Spike: Right. Schmoozing. Hollywood execs just love schmoozing.

Twilight: Sure they do. Why do you think Michael Bay keeps landing gigs?

It is the middle of the afternoon. Crickets are still audible in the silence following Twilight's joke.

Spike: What have I told you about attempting humor, Twilight?

Twilight: Don't. You told me don't.

Spike: And yet-

Twilight: Oh, Spike. If I don't keep trying, I'll never get better. And if I never get better, I'll never come any closer to discovering the comedic formula!

Spike: I don't think it exists.

Twilight: There's a mathematical formula to everything, Spike. And I suspect THIS one involves an infinite sum. Because sigmas look really cool!

Twilight squeals nerdily to herself, and her stomach immediately growls again.

Twilight: But I can little more do math on an empty stomach than I can make decisions. So where should we eat?

Spike (sarcastically): I don't know, I'm so hungry it's hard to decide.

As Spike talks, Twilight walks in front of Sugarcube Corner, and Pinkie Pie comes flying out the front door.

Pinkie (speaking rapidly): Twilight let's play a game it's called "Pinkie flies out the door to greet Twilight!"

Pinkie collides with Twilight, sending both the unicorn and Spike careening to the ground. The tickets soar into the air, delicately wafting down onto Pinkie's face.

Pinkie: AHHH!

Pinkie jumps into the air.

Pinkie: Bats! Bats on my face! Gold bats... Golbats! Victory Road flashbacks! HELP!!!

Pinkie runs in a frantic circle before stopping to observe her "bats."

Pinkie: Wait... these aren't... tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala?!

Pinkie's gaze goes starry, an irony Twilight takes note of, but does not mention.

Pinkie: It's the most amazing, incredible, tremendous, super most wonderful, terrifically humongous party in all of Equestria! I've always always always wanted to go!

Pinkie's mysterious background music cues up once again.

Pinkie (singing): Oh the Grand Galloping Gala is the best place for me, 'Cause they've got an open bar and the drinks are all free, hip hip, hooray, it's the best place for me, for Pinkieee!

Pinkie (spoken interlude): With decorations like streamers and fairy lights and pinwheels and piñatas and pincushions! With goodies like sazerac and bacardi and pink ladies and blue lagoons and sarsaparilla... that's spiked! And I get to play my favoritest of favorite fantabulous games like pin the tail on the pony!

Pinkie (singing again): Oh the Grand Galloping Gala is the best place for me, although it's bound to be a blur inside my memory, 'Cause it's the most galarrific superly terrific gala ever in the whole galaxy! Wheee!

Pinkie hops right up to Twilight's face.

Pinkie: Oh, thank you Twilight. It's the most wonderfulest gift ever!

Twilight: Um... actually...

Spike picks up the tickets, but as he does so, he hears Rarity gasp behind him.

Rarity: Are these what I think they are?!

Pinkie: Yes, yes, yes! Twilight's taking me to the Grand Galloping Gala in Canterlot!

Rarity: Not the tickets! Spike, your calves! They're so... sculpted. Have you been working out? You HAVE been working out!

Spike: Actually, I'm incapable of gaining muscle mass. We can thank our good friend Fluttershy for that.

Fluttershy(smiling): Oh, you're welcome.

Fluttershy descends to the ground among the other ponies.

Twilight: Where did you come from?

Fluttershy: I saw every pony arbitrarily loitering over here, so I dropped by.

Pinkie: Have you heard where Twilight's taking me? The Grand Galloping Gala! I never even asked; she just knew!

Fluttershy: Oh, Twilight, are you taking us places now? Can I request the zoo? I need an accomplice to help liberate a family of koalas. For science.

Rarity: Koala bears?! But they'll cover you in filth!

Fluttershy: See, that's why. Koalas aren't bears. They're marsupials. But no pony seems to understand that, and they still say "koala bear." It just decimates the poor creature's fragile self-esteem. Once they're in my lab, I'll inject them all with a special cocktail of black bear, polar bear, and panda bear DNA I mixed up. Then I'll release them into the wild to propagate, and in a few generations, they'll be literal koala BEARS thrice over! They won't have to feel repressed anymore.

Twilight: I, uhh...

Fluttershy: Will you help me? I already bought your ski mask!

Fluttershy tosses a ski mask to Twilight.

Fluttershy: They were out of unicorn masks, so you'll have to make the horn hole yourself... I hope that's ok...

Spike: Heh, heh. "Horn hole."

Rarity: Oh yes, Spike, I agree. Innuendo is my favorite type of humor. You truly have impeccable taste in... you... you...

Rarity audibly gasps once again.

Rarity: Pinkie, did you say tickets to the GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!

Twilight: Have you not been listening this whole time?

Spike: She was lost in my calves, remember?

Rarity: They are easy to get lost in- NO! I must resist! Focus on the gala! Twilight, I design ensembles for the gala every year... but I've never had the opportunity to attend. Oh, the society, the culture, the glamour! It's where I truly belong, and where I'm destined to meet... him!

Pinkie: Him!

After a pause.

Pinkie: Who?

Rarity: Him. I would stroll through the gala, and everyone would wonder: "Who is that mysterious mare?" They would never guess that I was just a simple pony from little old Ponyville. Why, I would cause such a sensation that I would be invited for an audience with Princess Celestia herself. Oh, I would pay lip service, act with the proper reverence. She would never suspect a thing, and she would be so taken with my style and elegance, that she would introduce me to him! Her nephew, the most handsome, eligible unicorn stallion in Canterlot! Our eyes would meet. Our hearts would melt. Our courtship would be magnificent! He would ask for my hoof in marriage, and of course I would say "YES!" We would have a royal wedding, befitting a princess, which is what I would become upon marrying him! The stallion of my dreams.

Spike: Wait, how does Celestia have a nephew? Was Nightmare Moon sending babies down from the moon? And didn't he get the short end of the stick genetically if he's JUST a unicorn? And you can't be princess; Celestia and Luna already have that title. Although they should just call themselves queens, really. Also, do you even know his name?!

Pinkie: Hey, I just thought of something; you can't keep admiring Spike if you're married, you know!

Twilight: Indeed. Adultery is wrong.

Fluttershy: Bunnies don't believe in adultery.

Rarity: I wasn't finished. You see, once I'm a princess, member of the royal court, whatever you wish to call it, then the true plan will come to fruition! I will ensure my husband knows I'm VERY into, how shall we say, role playing. Indeed, nothing will arouse me more than the thought of sleeping with an assassin who has infiltrated Canterlot with one singular purpose: the elimination of Princess Celestia. No doubt he will resist at first, finding my fetish distasteful. However, he will come to find his rewards for playing along to be... irresistible. But I will grow weary. Mere role playing will not excite me as it once did. He'll have to spice it up. He'll need... PROPS! And one prop above all: a journal, detailing, at length, the status of his mission, and his intention behind the assassination. Oh, when he updates that journal in front of me, there's nothing in the world I'll say no to. So he'll update. Frequently. But then, one night, Celestia will find a mysterious book in her quarters: a journal, in her nephew's own hoofwriting, all addressed to his master: Princess Luna! Oh, did I leave that part out? Yes, in my fantasy, the assassin will work for Luna. That part will REALLY get me going in the bedroom! Celestia will, of course, see it as a power play, and my husband will be executed, or banished to the moon, or the sun, or... whatever. Then sister will turn upon sister once again! Chaos will erupt in Canterlot, and it is at that exact moment my army will STRIKE!

Rarity slams her hoof into the ground as she says "STRIKE!"

Rarity: They will take the city with little opposition, the sisters will have no choice but to surrender, and I will take my rightful place upon the throne!

Rarity raises her hooves into the air and laughs maniacally.

Twilight: So... you aren't actually in love with Celestia's nephew.

Rarity: Well, no... but I have to work on the act early. It's going to get a lot more strenuous than just saying it!

Twilight: I'll keep that in mind...

Fluttershy: Um... girls?

Everyone turns to Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Oh, Twilight specifically, I just thought maybe... maybe just briefly... you'd like to hear why I could go to the gala... if you haven't given it to someone else.

Rarity: You?! You want to go to the gala?!

Fluttershy: Oh, no... I mean, yes, or actually, kind of. You see, it's not so much the Grand galloping Gala as it is the wondrous private gated garden that surrounds the dance. The flowers are said to be the most beautiful and fragrant in all of Equestria! For the night of the gala, and that night alone, will they all be in bloom.

Spike: They schedule the gala around flowers?

Fluttershy: It's true. But that's just the flora! Don't get me started on the fauna. There's toucans, pink flamingoes, buzzards and bitterns, blue jays and red jays and green jays and pink jays... why, with a few avian pheromones, just imagine the interspecies mating we could encourage, with the flowers in bloom to set the mood. There would be so many new birds for all of Equestria to enjoy!

Twilight: Gee, Fluttershy, it sounds... beautiful?

Rainbow (from atop a nearby roof): Wait just a minute!

Twilight: Rainbow Dash! Were you following me?

Rainbow lands in front of Twilight.

Rainbow: No, I mean yes, I mean maybe! Look, it doesn't matter! I couldn't risk a goody four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anybody!

Applejack: Wait just another minute!

Applejack walks up.

Twilight: Applejack? Were you following me too?!

Applejack (pointing to Rainbow Dash): No, I was following this one to make sure she didn't try any funny business!

Pinkie: Ooh, funny business? You mean like how she just said "anybody" again?

Applejack: That's right! I didn't even catch that! Rainbow Dash, you know "anybody" ain't a word. "Everybody" neither.

Rainbow: Really? We're gonna bring this up right now?

Applejack: It just proves ya ain't fit for the gala if ya can't even speak good grammatically!

Rarity: Indeed, it's... not a word, Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: We all have bodies. "Everybody." It's perfectly logical!

Fluttershy: It's not gonna happen... I'm sorry...

Pinkie: You can't just make up words.

Rainbow: You do it all the time!

Pinkie: Oh yeah! Why did I even start this argument?

Pinkie falls to the ground laughing.

Applejack: Ya gotta quit tryin' to force them words on us. "Everybody" just don't make no sense. End of story.

Rainbow: It makes perfect sense!

Applejack: Maybe 'cause your brain's all twisted up with lesbian thoughts, but it don't add up for the rest of us.

Rainbow: Excuse me?! First of all, it was one Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, that's it! And it had good articles! Second of all, that's intolerant!

Applejack: Yeah? Well that's southern.

Rainbow: That's prejudiced.

Applejack: Against my own kin?

Rainbow: That's ironic.

Applejack: That's hipster.

Rainbow: That's liberal.

Applejack: That's... I...

Rainbow: Checkmate.

Spike (to Twilight): Jeez, you can cut the sexual tension between those two with a knife.

Pinkie (chiming in): A butter knife!

Applejack: I don't know how you think you won that little debate, but you're provin' me right for followin' ya. You're clearly still after my ticket.

Rainbow: YOUR ticket?!

Pinkie: Wait... Twilight's taking me!

All five ponies, including Fluttershy, engage in an indecipherable shouting match over the extra ticket. Twilight merely lays down on the ground and buries her face. After enduring enough hostility, Twilight finally loses her patience.

Twilight: QUIEEEET!!!!

Every pony shuts up.

Pinkie: And then I said "Mixing club soda with soda, are you crazy?"

After a moment.

Pinkie (embarrassed): Oh.

Twilight: Girls. There's no use in arguing.

Rarity: But Twilight-

Twilight: No. This is my decision. And I'm gonna make it on my own. And I certainly can't think straight with all this noise!

Twilight's stomach growls loudly once again.

Twilight: Not to mention hunger. Now go on. Shoo!

Twilight's friends all walk away from her, each pony mumbling under her breath.

Twilight (yelling): And don't worry, I'll figure this out... somehow...

Later that afternoon, Twilight and Spike are sitting outside at a nearby restaurant.

Twilight (sighing): Spike, what am I gonna do? All five of my best friends have really good reasons to go to the gala.

Spike: Really, this again? Ignoring Applejack and Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy doesn't even WANT to go to the gala, Pinkie Pie just wants to get drunk, and Rarity's trying to set a Machiavellian scheme in motion that culminates in the hostile takeover of Canterlot.

Twilight: That's all just talk.

Spike: Then again, it's not exactly tough to be a better ruler than Celestia...

Twilight: How do I choose?! I mean... I could give up my ticket and give away two, but that would still leave three disappointed ponies!

Spike: Hey, yeah, why not just do that? You'd probably just lock up and start talking about antiderivatives or something if you went to the gala anyway.

Twilight: But this is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

Spike: It's really not. It's an annual event! Speaking of which... that letter where Princess Celestia "announced" the gala, that wasn't an announcement at all! It would be news if there WASN'T a gala! She just likes the sound of her own voice.

Twilight: Spike, that's not helping!

Spike: I agree. Her voice does grate.

Twilight: No, I meant-

A waiter walks up to the table.

Waiter: Excuse me, madame.

Twilight: Finally! I've been waiting all day.

Waiter: Yes, I apologize for the delay. But I'm afraid I must ask, does your, um... slave have a permit for this restaurant?

Spike: What?

Twilight: Does he need one?

Waiter: Dragons must obtain individual permits to use any facilities in Ponyville.

Twilight: Oh my. Any facilities?

Waiter: All facilities.

Spike: Even restrooms?!

Waiter: Especially restrooms.

Twilight: Where would we go to obtain such a thing?

Spike: I'll tell you what, I'll go ahead and order the hay fries, and you can shove 'em up your-

Mayor: I'll handle this.

The Mayor of Ponyville, who is sitting at a nearby table, lowers the newspaper that had been hiding her face and walks over to Twilight.

Mayor: Ponyville's dragon laws are outdated; no one's owned slaves here in a hundred years. Nonetheless, they are still in effect. Princess Celestia's decree tied my hooves; Spike has to live here, so you sidestepped the property tax, but I can't rewrite the book for you. He'll have to start earning permits.

Spike: This is ridiculous! I had more rights in Canterlot, of all places!

A twisted smile crosses Spike's lips. He turns to the waiter.

Spike: Wanna know something? If we were in Canterlot, I could date your daughter. How does that make you feel?

Waiter: My daughter is dead.

Spike: Oh. I'm... sorry.

Twilight: Waiter, I'd still like to place an order, if I may.

Waiter: Yes, madame?

Twilight: I'll take a dragon burger. Hold the mayo.

Spike: Twilight!

Twilight: Sorry, Spike. They're good.

Waiter: Scaled or descaled?

Twilight: Scaled, if you would.

Waiter: Excellent choice.

Twilight: And I'd like an order of hay fries, too. For anyone around who might want some.

Twilight winks at Spike, and the dragon smiles ever so briefly.

Spike: Extra crispy!

Twilight: Extra crispy.

Waiter: Very well.

The waiter takes Twilight's menu and walks away.

Mayor: You know, it's within my power to grant Spike a blanket permit for the entire town.

Twilight: Is it expensive?

Mayor: That depends... I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma... regarding the extra ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala.

Twilight: Mayor! You too?!

Mayor: Oh, I'm much too old for any dancing. But I hear the food is just to die for. And it always pays to have friends in office.

Twilight: Celestia is my friend.

Mayor: Riiighht... should've seen that one coming.

Twilight: I'm sorry, Mayor. My answer is no.

The Mayor shrugs as she walks away.

Mayor: Oh well. Worth a try, anyway.

Spike: Well, that's one less possibility.

Twilight: She's an outlier! She wasn't even up for consideration!

Later, after much circular reasoning from Twilight regarding which friend should receive the ticket, the waiter returns with her food.

Waiter (setting the food on the table): Here you are, madame.

Twilight: Thank you.

The waiter turns to Spike.

Waiter: And for your information, sir, were my daughter still alive, and were she to bring you home, I would quickly introduce you to a couple friends of mine. Two barrels, to be precise.

Spike: How charming.

Waiter: And by that I mean my double barreled shotgun.

Spike: I got that.

The waiter's voice grows steadily more unhinged with each passing sentence.

Waiter: And by that I mean my Remington Spartan sawed off 12 gauge.

Spike: Thanks for the specificity.

Waiter: And by that I mean my pride and joy, that I love more than I loved my wife and children.

Spike (in a high pitched, mocking voice): "And by that I mean..."

Waiter: And by that I mean my pride and joy I used to eliminate my insufferable wife and children.

Spike: ...what?

Waiter: And by that, I mean I'm wanted in six provinces!

Twilight (interjecting): OK! Thank you for the food, sir, but I'd like to enjoy my meal now.

Waiter (immediately resuming his formal tone): Very good, madame.

The waiter walks away.

Spike: See if he gets a tip.

Twilight: Oh, Spike, he was just giving you a hard time. He wouldn't tell us if he'd ACTUALLY murdered his family.

Spike: You really assume the best in ponies, don't you?

Twilight: I try to, now that I have friends. It's completely new territory for me.

As she speaks, Twilight becomes visibly downtrodden.

Twilight: And I'm just afraid I'm gonna lose them all already over this ticket thing...

Spike takes a bite of fries.

Spike: Hey, these aren't crispy at all!

Twilight levitates the burger to her mouth, ready to finally take her first bite of food for the day, when a herd of ponies stampedes past her, running for nearby shelter.

Twilight: What's going on?

Lightning cracks, and suddenly the sky is covered with rain clouds. There is, however, a convenient hole in the clouds sparing Twilight's table from the downpour. Rainbow Dash peeks her head through the hole.

Rainbow: Hi there best friend forever I've ever ever had. Enjoying the sunny weather?

Twilight: Rainbow Dash, what are you doing?

Rainbow: What do you mean? I just saw the smartest, most generous pony about to get rained on, so I thought I'd kick a hole in the clouds to keep her dry so she could dine in peace. That's all.

Twilight: Rainbow, you're not trying to get extra consideration for the extra ticket by doing me extra special favors, are you?

Spike: Extra credit if you reply without the word "extra."

Rainbow: Me? Of course not. I'd go the extra mile for any pony... dang it!

Twilight looks around at the ponies running frantically while getting rained on.

Twilight: Uh huh.

Rainbow giggles nervously.

Twilight: Rainbow, I am not comfortable accepting unwanted favors, so I'd appreciate it if you'd close up that rain cloud right now.

Rainbow: Ughh... fine.

Rainbow zips up the rain cloud.

Twilight: That's better.

Twilight levitates her burger once again, but gets summarily soaked by the rain. Spike continues eating his fries.

Spike: Not like these are getting any worse.

Rarity, with full umbrella saddle in tow, walks up.

Rarity: Twilight, my dear, you simply must come with me before you catch a cold.

Rarity whisks Twilight and Spike away to the Carousel Boutique. Inside, Twilight callously shakes the water off her fur, drenching Rarity.

Twilight (nervously): Whoops... sorry.

Rarity (theatrically): Oh no, it's quite all right. After all, we are the best of friends are we not? And you know what the best of friends do?

Twilight: Nothing involving tickets, I should hope.

Rarity (sing-song): MAKEOVER!

Rarity levitates a courtesy wall in front of her and Twilight before forcing one of her latest designs on the unsuspecting pony.

Spike: Putting on clothes requires more privacy than wearing none?

Despite Twilight's struggles, Rarity finally gets the saddle on properly. The moment her masterpiece is fully fastened, Rarity sends the wall flying away.

Rarity: There. Oh, you're simply darling.

Twilight's Mind: Error! Subjective analysis required; insufficient data in pertinent knowledge base. Employing base positive adjective to circumvent issue.

Twilight: Uhh... yeah, it is kinda pretty, isn't it?

Spike exaggeratedly gags himself as Rarity runs up to him.

Rarity: And you! Oh Spike, I have a dandy little outfit for the dashing gent. Something to really accentuate your...

Rarity growls the next word.

Rarity: Physique.

The wall comes flying into the room once again, and before Spike knows it, he finds himself in a posh outfit Rarity embroidered just for him. The fashionista removes the wall once again so Twilight can see.

Rarity: Oh my. You look positively royal. Ready for the throne, even... right next to mine.

Rarity turns to Twilight.

Rarity: Don't get any ideas, Twilight! HE'S MINE!

Twilight: Legally, he's mine, but I understand your meaning.

Spike retches as he tugs at the clothing clinging to his body.

Spike: I'm not even allowed at the gala! I don't want any part of this. See you back at the library!

Spike flees the building, leaving his getup behind.

Rarity (giggling): Who needs him anyway? He'll come around. My allure always wins out. But today is all about you, Twilight Sparkle.

Rarity pulls a mirror in front of Twilight.

Rarity: And how fabulous you'll look at the Grand Galloping Gala.

Twilight: I knew it.

Rarity (gasping): And, what a coincidence, I happen to have an ensemble of my own that matches yours to a "t."

Twilight: I see what's going on. You're just buttering me up so I'll give you the extra ticket.

Rarity: I... wasn't trying to hide it. I don't make a habit of giving out my handiwork for free, you know. That's hardly a sustainable business model.

Twilight: Well it's not going to work.

Twilight begins removing the saddle.

Rarity: No, Twilight, don't you see? In these matching getups, we will be the belles of the ball, you and I. Everyone will be clamoring for our attention; all eyes will be on us! And then everyone would finally know the most beautiful, most talented, most sophisticated pony in all of Equestria is Rarity the unicorn!

After a pause.

Rarity: And you're no slouch either, of course.

Twilight: You just wrapped a compliment for me inside an even bigger compliment for yourself. THAT'S an unsustainable business model!

Rarity: Politicians do it all the time!

Twilight: You're not a politician!

Rarity (darkly): Yet.

Twilight fully removes the saddle and walks toward the door.

Twilight: You're going to have to wait for my decision just like everyone else. Now if you'll excuse me, I've been trying all day just to get some lunch!

Applejack leans inside.

Applejack: Did some pony say lunch?

Rarity: You know she did.

Applejack: Stay out of this, "your highness."

Rarity (gasping): Is that any way to talk to your commanding officer?!

Applejack: Sugar, there's a different war goin' on right now. And it's every pony for herself.

Rarity: We share a common goal. You should WANT me at the gala!

Applejack: Your plan ain't the right way to go about it. And I gotta put my family's interests first. But speakin' of family...

Applejack drags Twilight outside, where it has miraculously stopped raining. A delicious wheelbarrow full of home-cooked treats awaits her.

Twilight: You've got to be kidding me!

Applejack: I got apple fritters, apple tarts, apple strudel... ya know, pretty much that whole spiel I made the first time we met, copy and paste it on in here; save me some time in the editing room. You name it, I got it. Whaddaya say there, best friend?

Twilight's stomach growls audibly.

Applejack: Is that a yes?

Twilight: No, no! I'm not sure who I'm giving the ticket to, and all these favors aren't making it any easier to decide. In fact, I'm less sure now than I was this morning!

Twilight screams as she runs away from Applejack.

Applejack: So... that's a maybe?

Outside the library.

Twilight (groaning): I never thought being showered with favors would be so aggravating!

Twilight opens the door to discover Fluttershy and a whole host of small animals cleaning the library. Fluttershy sings as she works.

Twilight: Fluttershy...

Fluttershy: Oh, well, hello Twilight.

Spike: I was upstairs when they came in. They didn't even knock.

Fluttershy descends to the ground and hugs Spike tightly.

Fluttershy: Oh, I'm so sorry. I hope we didn't startle you...

As she speaks, Fluttershy pulls out a small syringe and injects it into Spike's back. The sensation is imperceptible beneath the dragon's thick scales.

Spike (oozing contempt): Let go of me, Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Of course.

Fluttershy lets go of Spike and turns to Twilight.

Fluttershy: We're all doing a little spring cleaning for you; I hope you don't mind.

Twilight: It's summer.

Fluttershy: Oh, well, better late than never, right? It was Hoover's idea.

An unholy combination of rabbit and vacuum cleaner glides across the room and bumps lovingly into Twilight.

Twilight: AHHHH!! What in Equestria is that?!

Fluttershy: Well, you see, from a young age, Hoover always had a passion for cleaning. I wanted so badly to help him maximize his output, and he already had the name for it, so... meet the world's first vacuuming rabbit! The racuum.

Twilight: You fuse animals with inanimate objects, too?!

Fluttershy: Only ones that take an electrical charge. The brain is nature's wall socket.

Twilight: Ok...

Twilight steps delicately away from the racuum.

Twilight: Let me just ask you one question.

Fluttershy: Anything.

Twilight: You're not doing this for the ticket, are you?

Fluttershy: Oh no, I'm doing this because you're my very best friend. Right Hoover?

Hoover bumps angrily into Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: Oh. Yes, we are just doing this for the ticket.

Hoover glides across the room to bump into a counter with a fresh salad sitting atop it, specially prepared to slake Twilight's hunger.

Twilight: No, no, no!

Twilight heads for the door, opening it with magic.

Twilight: Well, this was all very nice of you and Hoover, but I am not accepting any extra favors until I've made my final decision.

Fluttershy: But no one's gonna give extra favors after that.

Twilight (continuing unfazed): I have to ask you to leave.

As Twilight says "leave," confetti and streamers are thrown in her face, background music starts up, a group of ponies shouts "SURPRISE!" and Pinkie Pie whisks her outside.

Pinkie (singing): Twilight is my bestest friend, whoopee, whoopee.

A group of ponies throws Twilight into the air.

Twilight: Pinkie.

Pinkie: She's the cutest, smartest, all-around best pony, pony.

The ponies throw Twilight into air again.

Twilight: Pinkie.

Pinkie: I bet if I throw a super duper fun party, party...

The ponies throw Twilight into the air again.

Twilight: Pinkie.

Pinkie: She'll give her extra ticket to the gala to me!

The ponies throw Twilight into the air again.

Twilight: PINKIEEEE!!!

Startled, the crowd of ponies disperses.

Pinkie: Yes, Twilight?

Twilight falls back to the ground, but the fall is cushioned by a certain pink party pony who, in a moment of excitement, ran directly underneath her, paying no heed to basic physics. Pinkie Pie's spine is shattered instantaneously. Every pony gasps.

Twilight (looking around): Ok... she does NOT get the ticket just because I killed her.

Random pony: Call the Mayor!

Twilight: It's not a big deal...

The Mayor parts the crowd.

Mayor: I'm already here. What's going on?

Random pony: Twilight killed Pinkie Pie!

Mayor (adjusting her glasses): So she did.

Twilight: It was an accident! And it was really her fault!

Mayor: I'll add her to the board.

Twilight: The board?!

Mayor: Every pony in Ponyville is listed on a board in my office. Whenever someone kills Pinkie Pie, one mark is added to their tally. Of course, the rules state it can't be outright murder, of course; it must be an accident. Fortunately, Pinkie is quite accident prone. The first pony whose tally reaches a hundred gets a special surprise from Pinkie herself.

Twilight: That's sick!

Mayor: Take it up with her. She came up with the board. Said it would be good for a laugh.

Random pony: Add Nightmare Moon as well!

Mayor: Yes... I suppose I can put a tally under Princess Luna. Though I should hope we won't be seeing her again anytime soon.

The Mayor begins walking away, but stops herself and turns around.

Mayor: On the bright side, choose quickly, Twilight, and you've got one less pony vying for your ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala. Should help you out a bit.

The Mayor trots off.

Random pony: Wait, that's the ticket Pinkie was referring to?!

Random pony: THAT'S the gala?

Every pony: THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!

Lyra (scoffing): Well, it certainly wasn't the Gallivanting Gala. Have you SEEN her?

Individual ponies begin approaching Twilight, accosting her with favors and compliments.

Junebug: Have I ever told you how much I love your mane?

Green Hoof: Would you like any help with your gardening?

Carrot Top: I've got a cart load of extra carrots.

Derpy: Don't you think you owe me?

Overwhelmed, Twilight screams and bolts away from the crowd, which hastily pursues. The chase persists, seemingly covering the entire town, before Twilight finally gets cornered in a narrow alley. Out of desperation, and against her will, a giant orb of light radiates from her horn, and she disappears in front of every pony's eyes, reappearing inside her library. Spike jumps at her appearance.

Spike: Warn me next time you're gonna do that!

Twilight (reeling): I didn't even know it was gonna happen. Now quick, lock the doors!

Twilight and Spike shut the doors, bolt the windows, turn off every light, and blow out every candle in the library. Twilight breathes in the comforting darkness.

Twilight: You know, I read a book once, "Mob Mentality: Godfather III Isn't Canon," but it didn't prepare me for that at all!

Applejack (muttering): Coppola's such a sellout.

Hearing another voice, Spike hurriedly flips the light back on, and Twilight finds the living members of the Mane Six eagerly staring at her from atop a balcony. Covering her face, she lets out an agonized scream.

Twilight: I can't decide, I just can't decide! It's important to all of you, and I just can't stand to disappoint any of you-

In the past.

Twilight: Oh, I’m terribly sorry; I fear there’s been a misunderstanding. If you are propositioning my friendship, I must graciously decline.

In the present.

Twilight: -and giving me gifts and doing me favors won't make any difference, because you're all my friends, and I want to make you all happy, because if I don't... if I don't, you won't be my friends any more...

Twilight lays on the ground, hooves over head.

The ponies step down from the balcony.

Applejack: Aw, sugar, is that what you think? None of us have ever said anything about not being your friend.

In the past.

Rainbow: I take it back. I don’t not like you, Twilight. I hate you.

In the present.

Applejack: So don't you worry none about that, ya hear? I-I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you. And if it helps, I don't want the ticket anymore. You can give it to some pony else. I won't feel bad.

Twilight: Really?

Applejack: No, that's a lie, and it flies in the face of my Element of Harmony... but that's how ya know I'm sincere.

Applejack places a hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

Applejack: I gotta think about my friends, after all.

Fluttershy: Hoover just feels awful that he made you feel so awful. He's been driving around in circles all evening. Oh, and I feel bad too.

Rarity: Twilight, it was unfair of me to try to force you as I did. I must remember my authority does not yet match my aspirations.

Rainbow: YES! Assuming Pinkie forfeited her claim by dying, the ticket is mine by default!

Rainbow dances excitedly in the air as everyone glowers at her. She laughs nevervously.

Rainbow: Ya know... the Buccaneer Blaze still needs some work anyway. And maybe a name change; it's kinda butch. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Applejack: We all got so gung-ho about goin' to the gala, that we couldn't see how un gung-ho we were makin' you.

Every Pony: We're sorry, Twilight.

Twilight smiles as she looks into all her friends' faces.

Twilight: These tickets are a blessing. But like a Trojan horse, they bring with them an unforeseen darkness.

Rainbow: I'll say. I met a Trojan horse at a bar once, turned out just to be a guy in drag. And I thought it was just her "hoof" jutting out of her skirt...

Twilight: Like an appendage of questionable origin making its presence known beneath a mare's skirt, these tickets have not lived up to expectations. Without enough to go around, a blessing is a curse in disguise. That is why I cannot accept these tickets. They must be destroyed.

Every Pony: What?!

Twilight levitates the tickets in front of her.

Twilight: I understand that by shredding the tickets, rather than returning them, Princess Celestia will be forced to print two replacements, cutting into Canterlot's bottom line. This will not be a problem, as she will undoubtedly raise taxes on the upper brackets to compensate.

Applejack: Ain't that the truth?

Twilight: And besides, if I can't go to the Grand Galloping Gala with my best friends, how can I enjoy myself? I'd rather not go at all. Shredding them is symbolic of how much I care for you girls.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie bursts through the door, breaking the lock.

Pinkie: Twilight, I'll just die if you gave away the ticket while I was dead! Get it, that's a joke!

Pleased with her friend's return, Twilight smiles as she uses her magic to rip the tickets to shreds. Mortified at the sight, Pinkie gasps loudly then falls over dead.

Twilight: Two in one day. Is that a record?

Rarity: Oh, not even close.

Spike burps so loudly it echoes throughout the hall.

Applejack: You hungry, Spike?

Twilight: Another letter...

Spike picks up the scroll.

Spike: "My faithful student, Twilight: I sent you two tickets to test what you had learned in your short time in Ponyville. It's easy to bond with ponies under extraordinary circumstances like Nightmare Moon's return, but I had to make sure you could resolve smaller, day-to-day conflicts as well. I am pleased to say you passed with flying colors, though you could have simply returned the tickets. Nonetheless, here are seven tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. Make no mistake, the seventh is for Spike. I am temporarily lifting the dragon ban because I know he will hate the gala, and his cynicism amuses me. I am forever proud of you, Twilight Sparkle. Your mentor, Princess Celestia."

Every Pony: THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA!

Spike sighs and continues reading.

Spike: "P.S. Yes, I write quickly. P.P.S. Tell Spike to fix your door. P.P.P.S. Please inform your friend Applejack that Sweet Apple Acres now owes three percent of its revenue in retroactive back taxes."

Applejack: Aw, dangnabbit!

Spike: How did she know about the door?

Fluttershy: She has eyes everywhere.

Rarity (huffing haughtily): Not nearly so many as me.

Rainbow: You're missing the point! We're all going to the gala!

Twilight's stomach growls loudly.

Twilight: While this does call for a celebration, I haven't eaten all day-

Applejack: Say no more, sugarcube. We're takin' you to dinner. Our treat.

Twilight: Oh, thank you, girls! Spike, please fix the lock while I'm away.

Spike: But I'm hungry too...

The ponies excitedly leave the library, carefully stepping over Pinkie Pie's corpse on the way out.

Rainbow (mostly to herself): So you guys know that Trojan horse thing was just one time, right? It didn't mean anything.

Twilight: So, Applejack, what did you mean Coppola's a sellout?

Applejack: Well, it's really quite simple...

Later that night, Celestia receives a letter from Twilight.

Twilight's letter:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that Francis Ford Coppola didn't even want to make a sequel to The Godfather: Part II. However, he finally caved to studio pressure and financial concerns, and tarnished the legacy of a two-time Best Picture award-winning series in so doing. A formerly respectable director sold out, and this is why independents are the true artists. But really, it's filmmaking 101. If your trilogy is going to have a weak link, it MUST be the middle chapter. Lord of the Rings knew it, Three Colors knew it, Indiana Jones knew it, back when it was a trilogy, at least. Star Wars didn't know it, and just look how the prequel trilogy turned out. Coppola failed to uphold this tenant; want to know how his career's ended up? Ever heard of Tetro? Yeah, me neither. But he's a sellout, and just needs to step aside for the new generation of filmmakers, and their true underrated cult masterpieces like Sweet Apple Massacre. Friends are so full of interesting insight and opinions! Even more so than books, blasphemous though it feels to write that! I'll make sure to keep you informed of anything else I learn.

-Your student,

Twilight Sparkle

Celestia: I think she missed the point.