My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

In Fluttershy's cottage.

Fluttershy is humming to herself as she tends to a small family of squirrels. Suddenly, there is a knocking at the front door.

Fluttershy: I didn't order any stem cells today...

Fluttershy opens the door to find the manticore from the Everfree Forest waiting for her, severed paw being held over ice in a zip lock bag. There is an extended silence between the two.

Fluttershy: ...where did you get the ice?

At Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie Pie lies brutally murdered on the floor; the store's walk-in freezer ransacked and food strewn about the building.

Back at the cottage.

Fluttershy: No matter, let's get you to the lab for reattachment surgery right away!

Downstairs, in Fluttershy's lab.

The room is dim; lit only by a scarce few lightbulbs flickering in and out of power, and suspended from the ceiling by string. Beakers and vials filled with mysterious substances line the countertops; the walls are adorned with various posters detailing the anatomy and physiology of different species. Indeterminate body parts in translucent containers filled with embalming fluid dot the counters, filling in spaces left between the beakers and vials. Five cages line the back of the room: four empty, at least for now. In the fifth, a small dark figure lies motionless on the ground, covered by a blanket. A thin layer of dust and grime coats everything in sight. Fluttershy leads the manticore to a marble slab in the middle of the room, which she proceeds to strap him down to.

Fluttershy: There. Now, let's take a look at that paw.

Fluttershy pulls the paw out of the bag and studies it carefully. Her face falls further and further with each passing moment until she finally turns back to the manticore.

Fluttershy: When did you put this on ice?

The manticore opens his mouth.

Fluttershy (preemptively interrupting): Um... that was really a rhetorical question. I'm sorry for the confusion. I know it was within the last hour.

Ashamed, the manticore nods silently.

Fluttershy: That's like... only flossing your teeth right before going to the dentist. Doctors know these things. I'm sorry, but decomposition has already pushed this paw past the critical point. Your body would reject the graft.

Fluttershy turns from the concerned creature, but continues speaking.

Fluttershy: This raises a new dilemma. Nature favors symmetry. Natural selection will make quick work of you if I release you back into the woods as is. It's a miracle you're still alive at all.

Fluttershy runs over and nuzzles her head against the manticore's.

Fluttershy: And I just can't stand the thought of you dying, Mr. Manticore. You're too precious. There is but one solution.

Fluttershy opens a nearby drawer.

Fluttershy: Oh no... I forgot I used the last of the anesthetic fusing that flamingo with a street light. Well... what didn't kill you last time has only made you stronger. I don't have any sticks around, but here, bite into this.

Fluttershy stuffs the manticore's own paw into his mouth, then pulls out her chainsaw.

Fluttershy: I just replaced the chain, so it should be much smoother this time!

Before the manticore can react, Fluttershy lowers her implement and severs his other paw, restoring perfect symmetry to the beast. The manticore howls in pain before letting out a gurgle and stopping abruptly.

Fluttershy (happily): We can wrap THIS wound much more effectively here in my lab!

A disconcerting silence hangs over the air.

Fluttershy: Mr. Manticore?

Fluttershy notices the empty look in the manticore's eyes.

Fluttershy: ...Mr. Manticore?

She hurriedly removes the creature's straps, sending its body crumpling lifelessly to the ground.

Fluttershy (tears welling in her eyes): No...

Fluttershy runs to a nearby counter.

Fluttershy (mania seeping into her voice): I'll give you another lollipop! A good flavor this time; cherry! Or root beer!

Digging through a drawer, carelessly throwing objects behind her until she finds an adrenaline syringe, Fluttershy desperately plunges the needle into the manticore's chest. But it's no use. The creature is dead. Finally losing it, Fluttershy sobs uncontrollably, curling into a ball and resting her head against the fading warmth of the manticore's body.

Fluttershy (in between tears): I was just trying to help... they told me I was helping... they always told me I was helping...

Fluttershy's head twitches, and she rigidly shoots to her feet.

Fluttershy: Well, time to harvest your organs for gravy. Rest easy knowing your protein will make all of Ponyville stronger this Hearth's Warming Eve.

As Fluttershy heads upstairs to the kitchen to gather her organ-harvesting utensils, a mysterious voice calls out to her.

Mysterious Voice: Fluttershy...

Fluttershy: Not now!

Mysterious Voice: Is that it? Another innocent animal's death is on your hooves, and you think you can just bury it? Push it down and let your psyche carry the burden?

Fluttershy: There's no burden! Sacrifice is an unavoidable stepping stone to scientific advancement!

Mysterious Voice: Oh really? Why the waterworks, then?

Fluttershy: That was... that was a moment of weakness...

Mysterious Voice: Because you ARE weak! A falsely proclaimed national hero. You create abominations and call it "science!" If there's truly no burden, remove this blanket and face what you've done!

Fluttershy: NO!

Running upstairs, Fluttershy slams the laboratory door behind her. The voice echoes throughout the house.

Mysterious Voice: Look at me, Fluttershy. Own up to your actions and LOOK AT ME!

Fluttershy: GO AWAY!!!

Fluttershy flies out the front door as fast as she can.

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack and Big Macintosh are surveying the ripe apple orchard before them.

Applejack: Boy howdy! I got my work cut out for me. That there is the biggest bumper crop of apples I ever laid eyes on.

Big Macintosh: Eeyup. Too big for you to handle on your own.

Applejack (defensively): Is that so?

Big Macintosh: Maybe. Let's make it interesting. If you can buck all those apples by yourself, I'll walk down Stirrup Street in one of Granny's girdles.

Applejack: What is it with you and girdles? It's like that scared straight camp didn't do nothin'! Maybe I should forbid you from talkin' to Rainbow Dash too.

Big Macintosh: I'm your older brother.

Applejack: And I'm the bread winner. My word is law.

Apple Bloom walks up.

Apple Bloom (beaming): Hey guys, I won a loaf of bread in the school spelling bee today!

Applejack (to Big Macintosh): I meant it metaphorically.

Applejack (to Apple Bloom): They're handin' out bread as a prize now?

Apple Bloom: Honey wheat. The BEST bread!

Applejack: Budget cuts really hit them hard...

Apple Bloom: But Miss Cheerilee says we can live on bread alone!

Applejack: Oh really?! Well I'll need to have a little chat with this teacher of yours!

Apple Bloom: Ok... well... I'm gonna go enjoy my prize now!

Applejack: Save room for supper.

Apple Bloom (shouting as she runs off): Does supper involve apples?

Applejack: Of course!

Apple Bloom (shouting): I'm eating the entire loaf!

Applejack sighs as she turns back to the orchard.

Applejack: She'll grow outta her rebellious phase eventually. Anyway, I'll take you up on your challenge, but without the girdle! If I can buck all these apples by myself, you have to walk down Stirrup Street in full football gear, like a true stallion should!

Big Macintosh: Eeyup. But if you fail, YOU have to walk down Stirrup Street in full football gear.

Applejack: Deal. I won't fail.

Fluttershy descends from the air and lands next to the two siblings.

Fluttershy: Um, hi... Applejack and Big Macintosh...

Applejack: Well howdy, Fluttershy. What can I do for ya?

Fluttershy: I just... didn't want to be in my cottage...

Applejack: Well, you're always welcome here. You can bear witness to my apple buckin'!

Fluttershy: I can?

Applejack: Big Macintosh here don't think I can do it, but I'm about to buck all those apples all by my lonesome.

Fluttershy: Oh, Applejack, there's so many. Are you sure you can handle it?

Applejack: Like I always told my teachers, numbers don't matter a lick! This job ain't nothin'.

Less confidently, Applejack gulps at the sight of the sea of 842,656 apples sprawled out before her.

My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Episode 4: Applebuck Season

Later, Applejack is standing alone among the apple trees.

Applejack: Well, I'd better get kickin'. These apples aren't gonna shake themselves outta the trees.

As if on cue, the earth starts shaking and an apple falls from a tree directly onto Applejack's head.

Applejack: Hey! It worked! Take that, Newton!

As the ground continues to tremble, Applejack looks behind her to see the cause of the quakes.

Applejack: Whoa Nelly!

Applejack quickly runs away.

In Ponyville.

The tremors are felt throughout the entire town. Ponies gather in the street, frightened and confused. Rainbow Dash flies into the air in an effort to scope out the root of the commotion. She discovers, much to her shock, a...

Rainbow: STAMPEDE!!!

A herd of crazed cows is the source of the seismic activity, bulleting along on a collision course for Ponyville. Every pony breaks out in panic; some hide indoors while others merely run around aimlessly. Pinkie Pie giggles as the tremors send vibrations through her vocal cords.

Pinkie: Hey! This makes my voice sound silly!

Twilight: Pinkie Pie, are you crazy?! RUN!

After a moment.

Twilight: Or don't, I guess. It doesn't really make much difference for you.

Mayor: Every pony calm down. The day we have long feared is at hoof. Derpy Hooves! Fetch me a collection of medium rare offerings we may present to appease our new bovine overlords.

Derpy: Yes, ma'am!

Derpy flies off, her eyes ablaze with purpose.

Mayor: Good. Now that she can't screw anything up, every pony else, grovel at the hooves of our oppressors and pray for mercy.

Rarity: But groveling is for the proletariat! Surely you do not expect your future queen to indignify herself in such a manner.

Mayor (kneeling to the ground): Your funeral.

Rarity (huffing): Hmph. Well at least I don't walk around with shrubbery growing out of my collar. Not even Rainbow Dash could find such a bush stylish!

Rainbow: Didn't catch that, but look there!

Rainbow Dash points to the stampede, where Applejack and her dog Winona can now be seen running alongside the cows.

Applejack: Yee-haw!

Mayor: She defected already?! Well isn't that just like a southerner!

Applejack: Move aside, Winona!

Winona pulls back, allowing the herd to pull ahead of her, then accelerates to run parallel to Applejack on the opposite side of the herd. As it becomes clear that Applejack has not joined the cows and is, in fact, corralling them, all of Ponyville erupts in a raucous cheer.

Pinkie (popcorn in hand): This is the best rodeo show I've ever seen. Actually, it's the only rodeo show I've ever seen.

After a moment.

Pinkie (angrily throwing popcorn): This is the worst rodeo show I've ever seen!

As the stampede gets closer and closer to the bridge into Ponyville, Applejack makes her move.

Applejack (whistling): Winona, put 'em up!

Defying as many laws of physics as possible, Winona jumps onto one of the cows, then uses the creature as a launching pad to leap in front of the stampede. Applejack, even more impossibly, leaps onto the same cow and balances on its back.

Applejack: Ha ha. Gotcha!

Applejack pulls a lasso out of her hat and throws it so that it perfectly wraps around the lead cow's neck. Remarkably, rather than restricting airflow, it causes the entire herd to veer away from Ponyville.

Applejack: YEE-HAW!

Lasso still in teeth, Applejack shifts her weight into her hind legs, disregarding momentum and bringing the cow to a complete stop almost instantly. The rest of the herd follows suit.

Applejack: Now what was that all about?

Damona: Moo! Oh my, begging your pardon, Applejack, but there was a little filly who snuck in here and just kept kicking us 'till we all started running. Ponyville should really keep better watch on its children.

Applejack: Well who was it? Maybe she just misinterpreted what "cow tippin'" meant.

Two nearby cows step aside to reveal Apple, lying low to the ground in an effort to remain hidden to the best of her ability.

Applejack: Apple?!

Apple: Just let me go!

Applejack: So... tryin' to use the old "provoke a stampede then hide among that stampede to escape from the farm" trick. Well it ain't gonna work. Now you run along home to the punishment corner and think about what you did.

Apple: But that's where Granny Smith takes her sponge baths!

Applejack: Well it ain't called the punishment corner for nothin'.

Sobbing silently to herself, Apple trudges back toward Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack (shouting): Make sure she spends extra time on the bunions!

Applejack turns back to the herd.

Applejack: You can run along now, too. She won't be botherin' you no more. Sorry 'bout all that.

Damona: Oh, it's no trouble at all! So long Winona!

Applejack and the herd go their separate ways.

Cow A (to Cow B): Hey, did you know there's no pony living in the moon anymore?

Cow B: Really?

Cow A: Yeah, I noticed it the last time I was up there. What do you think's up with that?

Back in Ponyville, silhouetted dramatically by the setting sun, Applejack rounds a hill to the fanfare of the entire town. Continuing the show, Applejack gallops away valiantly.

Applejack: Yee-haw!

Pinkie: Ride 'em cowpony! Applejack was apple-tastic!

Mayor: Indeed. We must do something to thank Applejack for never turning against Ponyville, against all expectations!

Pinkie: I know! A party!

Derpy flies back into town, arms full of precious gemstones.

Derpy: I brought an offering!

Mayor: Well done, Derpy!

The Mayor sees the gemstones.

Mayor: Oh no. I said medium rare. These are just rare! Take them back.

Rarity: I could use them!

Mayor: Really? Derpy, scatter the gems among the shrubbery.

Derpy: Ok...

Confused, Derpy flies away from Ponyville once again.

Rarity (seething under her breath): Ohhh, there shall be no place for you in my kingdom, Mayor. Make no mistake.

Mayor: Now, preparations for Applejack's party will begin immediately.

The next day.

Ponyville is decorated with balloons, streamers, pendants, and other accoutrements of parties. Twilight walks up to Rarity, who is tying a giant bow to a tree.

Twilight: Great thinking, Rarity. Applejack loves trees!

Rarity: Oh, this isn't a gift. Merely a decoration.

Rarity uses her magic to hang an apple-adorned banner from the town pavilion.

Rarity: Now we're ready.

Twilight: Is Applejack all set?

Rainbow (flying up): Acutally, I haven't seen her since yesterday.

Pinkie: Not since the stampede.

Rainbow: But she'll be here for sure. Applejack is NEVER late.

Later that day, the Mayor stands at the podium in front of the pavilion; all of Ponyville is gathered before her.

Mayor: Welcome, every pony. Today we are here to honor Applejack, a mare who truly needs no introduction. But I'm being compensated by the hour, so here's an extended one. Sweet Apple Acres predates Ponyville itself, forming the backbone of our economy. Given that Granny Smith is hundreds of years old, it's safe to say we can rely on Applejack's services for centuries to come.

Every pony cheers.

Mayor: Indeed, Granny Smith is quite sprightly for her age. Yet here I am, barely pushing fifty, and I'm already graying! How's that for unfair? And I know what you're all thinking. "It's probably the diabetes. She'll be pushing up daisies quicker than you can push up an insulin shot." Well, we wouldn't have that problem if SOME PONY had discovered a cure like she promised!

The Mayor glares at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: I thought I should try to cure more serious diseases first. Like cancer.

Mayor: Fluttershy, dear, I don't have cancer. But I digress. Applejack's childhood was no different from any other southern filly's. Church on Sunday, church on Wednesday, farm labor the rest of the week, with the occasional lynch mob thrown in for levity. Despite a brief excursion to Manehattan, young Applejack would soon come to realize her special talent, as with all Apple family members, was apple-oriented. But then she saw The Seventh Seal and realized her passion was actually filmmaking. She had been gypped by genetics and fate alike.

Spike: Aren't those really the same thing?

Mayor: Applejack, ever the resilient one, dedicated herself simultaneously to both the farm and her directing career...

Forty minutes later.

Mayor: ...but did her mother's death and her father's subsequent disappearance slow Applejack down? Not at all. She took little Apple Bloom in and instilled her work with newfound purpose...

Fifty minutes later.

Mayor: ...defying all expectations and somehow earning a negative box office gross. Theaters literally PAID patrons to see it. New Razzies were invented just for the occasion...

Twenty minutes later.

Mayor: ...but failure will never keep her down, and there is truly nothing Applejack can't do, so long as the Pope condones it. Now, without any further ado, having squeezed your tax dollars for all they're worth, it is my pleasure to present the Prized Pony of Ponyville award to the one, the only... Applejack!

A collective gasp reverberates throughout the audience as Applejack is nowhere to be found on stage. An extended silence follows, as no pony is quite sure how to react to the lack of Applejack.

Applejack (shouting): I'm here! I'm here!

Applejack yawns loudly as she stumbles her way through the crowd. She carries baskets of apples on both sides, spilling the fruit at the hooves of the audience.

Applejack: I was just... whoa... did I get your tail?

Applejack finally reaches the stage and takes the stand.

Applejack (yawning): I'd like to thank the Academy... I take back all those awful things I said about y'all... your taste in movies ain't as antiquated as Kirk Douglas.

A confused murmur slowly works its way throughout the crowd.

Applejack: I got so many ponies to thank... but first, I just gotta say, I'm proud to be a part of this community. We're outta touch, ya know? We're the ones who held on to dragon slavery when the rest of Equestria considered emancipation. We're the ones who know Canterlot does not speak for the common mare. We're the ones who-

Twilight: Oh no, she thinks this is a conservative Academy Awards ceremony.

Rarity: It's a double delusion!

Twilight: Quick, Spike, play her off!

Spike: But all I have is my recorder... which I only picked up yesterday because my therapist said I needed a creative outlet!

Twilight: Perfect.

Spike: But all I know is "Mary Had a Little Lamb!"

Twilight: Just play it, Spike!

Spike pulls out his recorder and plays it to the best of his ability.

Applejack (yawning again): Oh, that's my cue! Well, thank y'all kindly once again for this award. It means a lot...

Applejack falls asleep standing up, snoring briefly before jumping up and regaining consciousness.

Applejack: Oh. Um, thanks!

Applejack grabs the trophy in her teeth and noisily drags it away from the crowd, back toward Sweet Apple Acres. Spike continues playing the second verse of the song.

Mayor: That's quite enough, Spike.

Fluttershy: I have eight lambs. I'm better than Mary.

Twilight: Was it just me, or did Applejack seem a little...

Rainbow: Tired?

Fluttershy: Dizzy?

Rarity: Unfit for command?

Mayor: Riding the white pony?

Twilight: Mayor, please! Celestia does NOT give free rides! No matter how much you beg...

Mayor: Never mind.

Twilight: Something was feeding her delusions, anyway. I read a book once, "Facing Delusions Head-On: You'll Never be a Successful Comedy Writer." I'm quite certain I can help snap her back to reality.

Pinkie: I don't get it. She seemed fine to me!

Twilight walks away from the stage. Two police officers approach Spike.

Officer A: Do you have a permit for that recorder?

Spike: I have a prescription...

Officer B: Nice try, dragon boy. Therapists can't prescribe medication.

Officer A: You know, recorders ain't medicine.

Officer B: That is an excellent point. You know what is medicine? Xanax.

Officer A: That's true. My wife takes that stuff. She used to wake up screaming in the night, having panic attacks about dragons eating her in her sleep.

Officer B: Ain't that just like a dragon?

Officer A: You know what else those dragons did, while they cooked her up into a little pony sandwich?

Officer B: What?

Officer A: They played satanic tribal music. On recorders.

Officer B: Get outta' town.

Officer A: I'm bein' so serious right now. Give a dragon a recorder, next thing ya know you're flambéed and he's got himself a stew goin'.

Officer B: That is just sick.

Spike: Are you guys done? I can't tell who's the good cop and who's the bad cop. You're just bantering amongst yourselves.

Officer A: But I can tell who's the bad dragon.

The officer takes Spike's recorder and breaks it on the ground.

Officer A: Get a permit next time.

The officers walk off.

Officer B (still audible in the distance): "Bad dragon," that was good, that was so good. Let's pepper spray 'im next time!

Later, at Sweet Apple Acres.

Exhausted, Applejack is bucking apples, straining herself further and further with each kick. She frequently dozes off standing up before shaking her head and walking to the next tree. Many of her kicks miss, and one kick even knocks over a full basket of apples.

Applejack: Whoops.

Twilight: What on earth is that pony doing?

Twilight (yelling) Hey Applejack!

Applejack falls asleep, and cannot hear Twilight over her own snores.

Twilight: Applejack!

Applejack continues snoring.

Twilight casts a spell and teleports directly in front of Applejack.

Twilight: APPLEJACK!

Startled, Applejack awakens.

Applejack: Oh. Howdy, Twilight.

Twilight: What is all this?

Applejack continues walking, forcing Twilight to teleport in front of her once again.

Applejack: It's Applebuck Season.

Twilight: Apple what season?

Applejack: It's what the Apple family calls harvestin' time. We gather all the apples from the trees so we can sell 'em.

Twilight: But why are you doing it all alone? Can't those relatives I met when I first came to Ponyville help?

Applejack: They were just here for the Summer Sun Celebration. They actually live all over Equestria; they're harvestin' their own apples right about now. Besides, if I can get all these apples down, Big Macintosh has to walk down Stirrup Street in linebacker gear!

Twilight: That's it? It's just another bet with your brother? Then I can help you!

Applejack: 'Fraid not, sugarcube. I gotta do this on my own.

Twilight: Why? You asked for my help with a nearly identical job just last week.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie leaps out of a nearby tree.

Pinkie (gasping): Are you saying our character traits aren't being kept internally consistent, and are instead being exaggerated on a week-by-week basis in service of an overplayed moral lesson?

Twilight: No. I'm just saying she doesn't have to suffer alone.

Pinkie: Oh. Boy was I off!

Twilight: Also, hi Pinkie Pie.

Applejack: Y'all don't have to understand, but I should really get back to work.

Twilight stands in front of Applejack, looking with worry at the bags forming under her friend's eyes.

Applejack: Hint hint.

Twilight (sighing): Fine.

Twilight steps aside.

Applejack: Could you step aside, Pinkie Pie?

Pinkie (laughing): Silly, I'm behind you. But okie dokie!

Giggling, Pinkie shuffles to her left. Applejack stumbles as she walks to the nearest tree.

Twilight: Are you sure you're all right?

Applejack: Don't none of you worry now, I'm just fine.

Applejack attempts to buck the tree, but misses completely.

Twilight: But there's no way you can do this on your own.

Applejack: Another challenger, eh?! Well, when I win, you can strap on one of Granny's girdles and make your way to Stirrup Street! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got apples to buck!

Later that day, in Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash is standing impatiently next to a contraption she's built. Applejack walks up, yawning.

Rainbow: There you are! You promised you'd help me with my new trick at two, but here you are two hours late. Do you know how long that is in rainbow Time?

Applejack: Rainbow Time?

Rainbow: It's a new unit of time, based on me, the fastest flyer in Equestria. I invented it.

Applejack: All right, then... how long is two hours?

Rainbow: Impossible to say. Rainbow Time makes no concessions for anything past an hour. Any longer, it may as well be tomorrow!

Applejack: It don't sound like a very good system of measurement...

Rainbow: It's a work in progress. But now that you're finally here, you can help me out! See this contraption?

Rainbow Dash points to a giant see-saw, with a tall wooden platform standing over it.

Rainbow: I'm gonna stand on one end, then you're gonna jump down from that platform, launching me into the air faster than I can take off on my own. Once I'm in the air, I'm gonna do some amazing flips and spins that are sure to impress the Wonder Bolts!

Applejack: But... they ain't around...

Rainbow: That's why you're gonna film me! I’ve got a video camera right over there! You just need to make sure it’s set up properly.

Applejack walks over to a nearby camera on a tripod.

Applejack: Right… let me just adjust the focus, this camera’s seein’ double!

Rainbow: Um… are you ok, Applejack? I don’t think cameras CAN “see double.”

Applejack: And how many films do you have to your name?

Rainbow: None. But I also don’t have any Razzies, so I think it evens out.

Applejack (scoffing): Them awards shows understand movies like a democrat understands the economy!

Rainbow (sardonically): Right. Gigli was a masterpiece.

Applejack: The camera’s fine! Let’s get this show on the road!

Rainbow (to herself): Like any lesbian could just switch sexualities at the drop of a hat. Completely unbelievable…

Applejack climbs to the top of the platform, and in her drowsiness, finds it impossible to concentrate on the see-saw.

Applejack: Isn’t this a mite dangerous?

Rainbow: Not for a pony who can fly!

Applejack: But I can’t fly.

Rainbow: Oh yeah. Well, that hat should protect your head from any fall damage. Insulation!

Applejack: …makes sense.

Rainbow: Ready? One… two… three!

Applejack jumps from the platform and lands face first onto the concrete below.

Rainbow: Um… maybe I wasn’t clear. You’re supposed to land ON the other end.

Applejack stands up, her head spinning.

Applejack: Got it.

A series of attempts follows, with Applejack missing the see-saw each time. She suffers remarkably little physical damage throughout the affair.

Rainbow: Applejack, what the hay is going on? I mean, I thought I was working with Ponyville’s best athlete… besides myself.

Applejack: You are… I’m ok… really… uh… I have an idea. Watch this!

Applejack stands up and forces her end of the see-saw down to the ground with her hooves. Rainbow Dash is not amused.

Applejack: Ta-da!

Rainbow squints in Applejack’s direction.

Applejack: Oh, maybe not. Ok, one more try. I’m sure to get it this time!

Applejack carelessly hops off the see-saw, sending Rainbow Dash thudding to the ground.

Rainbow: Ughhh…

Applejack, still dizzy, climbs to the top of the platform once more and prepares to jump.

Applejack: Here I go!

Applejack jumps off the platform.

Rainbow: WAIT!!!

Applejack finally lands on the see-saw, sending Rainbow Dash soaring into the air, completely out of control.

Rainbow (her voice growing more distant by the second): APPLEJACK!!!!

Applejack (shouting): You’re welcome!

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight is reading peacefully on her balcony, which Rainbow Dash violently crashes into.

Twilight: Rainbow?

Rainbow (head spinning): Present.

Twilight: But I just saw you careen out of Ponyville. That trajectory didn’t take you anywhere near my balcony.

Rainbow (chuckling): You clearly don’t understand Rainbow Physics.

Twilight: Rainbow Physics?

Rainbow: It correlates to Rainbow Time…

Back at Rainbow Dash’s see-saw.

Applejack walks over to the video camera.

Applejack: Huh… lens cap was still on. Rookie mistake!

At the library.

Twilight: So wait… there are twenty-four days in a day in your world?

Rainbow: 23.93 if you want to get technical.

Twilight: Huh. I’m… surprised you knew that. Regardless, I don’t think Rainbow Time is going to take off.

Rainbow: It will once I win my copyright suit against the local gay bar!

Twilight stares at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: What? I thought of the name LONG before I started going there!

Twilight continues staring at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: For drinks; of which they happen to serve the best in Ponyville! Nothing wrong with enjoying a good drink.

Pinkie Pie bursts through the window.

Pinkie: Or ten!

Twilight: Well, since studying is clearly out of the question, I’ll try talking to Applejack again. That pony’s really starting to worry me.

As Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack is bucking apples, barely even paying attention to where they fall at this point. After missing the basket with an entire batch, she bends down to pick them up individually with her teeth, but hits her head violently against a low-hanging branch. As she recoils, Twilight walks up.

Twilight: Applejack, can we talk?

Applejack (head still spinning): Of course… just the pony I wanted to see…

Twilight: But, you said-

Applejack: I’ve been thinkin’. I got the PERFECT role for you in Bobbing for Apple! It’ll redefine method acting. You’ll play Apple’s long-lost sister Applet, contemplating the meaning of sexuality following a traumatic hysterectomy. I scheduled your surgery for next Tuesday.

Twilight: I can’t-

Applejack: You’re the emotional anchor of the whole movie! You’ll make Daniel Day Lewis look like Macaulay Culkin!

Twilight: APPLEJACK! I’m not an actress, and I’m not here to talk about film roles!

Applejack: Fine… second choice it is. Don’t know how I’ll convince Snips to get the sex change, though…

Twilight: I am HERE to talk about Rainbow Dash.

Applejack: Has she finally seen the light? Mind tellin’ me what camp you sent her to? ‘Cause “Be Straight or Die” clearly wasn’t worth the money!

In the past.

At Be Straight or Die.

The drill sergeant, pacing and brandishing a pistol, has a row of campers lined up at attention. Big Macintosh is among their ranks. The sergeant randomly stops and towers over a camper.

Drill Sergeant: Are you straight, maggot?!

Camper (trembling): Sir, yes sir!

Drill Sergeant: You’re cured, you can go.

The camper runs away. The drill sergeant walks to Big Macintosh.

Drill Sergeant: Are you straight, maggot?!

Big Macintosh: Eeyup.

Drill Sergeant: You’re cured, you can go.

Big Macintosh trots away. The drill sergeant walks to another camper.

Drill Sergeant: Are you straight, maggot?!

Camper (defiantly): Of course not! You can’t just wave a gun in my face and expect me to bend over backwards in adherence to what you deem “socially acceptable.” You can intimidate me into being straight no more than I could intimidate you into being gay. If you think I can just flip a switch and alter the very essence of who I am; if your world view is so narrow, then no matter what, I’m the one who will ultimately feel sorry for you.

Every pony cheers. The drill sergeant cocks his pistol.

Drill Sergeant: Wrong answer.

In the present.

Twilight: Oh my God!

Applejack: I know! If that doesn’t work, what on earth would?!

Twilight: That name’s not literal, is it?!

Applejack: Of course not… just gotta push the illusion to the last possible minute to scare them ponies straight. Like a magician’s act. Of course, there was the time the drill sergeant forgot the safety was on… sort of the camp’s Siegfried and Roy moment.

Twilight: He shot someone?!

Applejack: Himself, actually. Second Amendment don’t say a thing about wavin’ your gun around like a filly’s plaything!

Twilight: Ok… getting away from THIS subject, you asked if Rainbow Dash had “seen the light,” and I had this great quip planned about how she had seen a light, because you launched her so close to the sun she met Icarus… but that moment’s gone now. Still a funny reference though, right…?

Applejack: It ain’t funny if ya gotta explain it.

Twilight (hanging her head): I know…

Applejack (slightly ashamed): But I know what you’re here to say. I wasn’t feelin’ quite myself earlier.

Twilight: Because you’re working too hard and you need help!

Applejack: Nothin’ doin’ Twilight. I’m gonna prove to you, to every pony, that I can do this on my own.

Applejack, still facing Twilight, begins walking away, but collides head first into the same branch from earlier.

Applejack (stumbling): Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go help Pinkie Pie.

Twilight (shouting): Whatever it is, I’m sure she’ll let you reschedule!

Applejack pays no heed to Twilight’s advice, leaving the unicorn alone, able to do nothing more than sigh exasperatedly.

At Sugarcube Corner.

Mrs. Cake: Now Pinkie Pie, are you sure you’re up for baking the muffins and running the store this afternoon?

Pinkie: Yessiree Bob, Mrs. Cake. Plus, I have Ponyville’s prized pony to help me out. Why, she’s the best baker ever! Right, Applejack?

Applejack, in a stupefied haze, voraciously shakes her head in an attempt to regain some degree of lucidity.

Applejack: Don’t you fret. I can bake anything from fritters to pies in the blink of an eye.

Mrs. Cake: Well, off the cuff rhyming is one of the most important qualities in a chef, so I’m sure you’ll do just fine!

Mr. Cake: Now remember, Pinkie, no free handouts. This is NOT party food. I don’t want to find the store ransacked again.

Pinkie: Got it.

Mr. Cake: Unless Derpy offers a hundred bits for a free muffin again. That’s just too good to pass up.

Mr. and Mrs. Cake head for the door.

Mrs. Cake: Well, see you later, girls!

Applejack, still drowsy, resumes shaking her head.

Pinkie: Stop with the shakin’, it’s time to get bakin’!

Later.

Pinkie: All righty, I’ll get the sugar and the eggs. Can you get me some chocolate chips?

Applejack (asleep with her head on the counter, awakening with a start): Uh… what was that?

Pinkie: Chocolate chips.

Applejack: Chips… got it.

Applejack walks to the pantry and pours a bag of chocolate chips into the bowl of muffin batter.

Applejack: What next?

Pinkie: Baking soda.

Applejack: Makes sense…

Applejack pours baking soda into the bowl, then immediately falls asleep standing up, her head resting on the counter.

Pinkie: All right, next… a cup of flour.

Applejack wakes up once more.

Applejack: Flour… under control.

Applejack pours a bag of flour into the bowl.

Applejack: …next?

In her peripheral vision, Pinkie sees a rat scurry across the floor.

Pinkie: AHHH!

Applejack (jumping): What’s that?!

Pinkie: Rat! Rat! Route One flashbacks… so many Rattata!

Pinkie Pie grabs Applejack’s face.

Pinkie: I don’t care if I killed my rival’s Raticate! HE DESERVED TO DIE!!!

Applejack: Uhh… do you still need me to get anything?

Pinkie (after a moment’s thought): Rat poison.

Applejack: Rat… poison?

Pinkie: Spread it everywhere. That rat dies if he eats a single morsel of food.

Applejack: Is that… a good idea…?

Pinkie: I. Don’t. Like. Rats! Now I’m going upstairs to formulate a plan of attack against the infestation. Apply the poison liberally, Applejack!

Applejack (woozy): I choose… not to resent your usage of the word…

Pinkie Pie runs upstairs.

Pinkie (shouting): He’d spare you no mercy, were he in your horseshoes!

Applejack walks back to the pantry, where she discovers a vial of rat poison.

Applejack: Well… if it’s in the pantry… it must be food…

Applejack spots a bag of butterscotch chips.

Applejack: Exception that proves the rule… they wouldn’t keep TWO lethal poisons in here…

Applejack picks up the rat poison, and pours the entire vial into the batter.

Applejack (shouting): What about the muffins?!

Pinkie (shouting back): There won’t BE any muffins if the rats have their way! The mix is fine. Destroy the interloper!

Applejack: Well… if the batter’s done…

Later, Pinkie Pie finally walks downstairs.

Pinkie: All right, so the plan is we burn this place to the ground…

Applejack, her eyes bleary with exhaustion, presents a tray of fully cooked muffins to her musophobic partner.

Applejack: I used the rat poison, so I figured… I’d go ahead and put the muffins in the oven…

Pinkie (ecstatic): Applejack: You are the bestest friend ever! Now we won’t be behind schedule.

Pinkie (shouting into the air): DID YOU HEAR THAT, RAT?! YOUR PLAN FAILED!

Pinkie (turning back to Applejack): Now, don’t tell any pony, but I always sample the baked goods before they’re put out for sale. But since you were super-duper amazing and helped make them, you should get the first taste!

Applejack: That’s mighty generous of you, Pinkie Pie… but it’s your crazy recipe… you’ll enjoy it more…

Pinkie: Applejack!

Pinkie Pie hugs Applejack.

Pinkie: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever ever ever done for me! I definitely won’t tell Rarity you’re impinging on her Element!

Pinkie picks up a muffin.

Pinkie: Bottoms up, best assistant chef ever!

One hour later.

Pinkie lies dead on the floor. Nurse Redheart stands over her.

Nurse (muttering to herself): Just as I thought…

Twilight bursts through the door, Spike in tow.

Twilight: We came as soon as we heard. Poisoned muffins? Is every pony all right?!

Twilight notices Pinkie Pie, and the nearly full batch of muffins lying beside her.

Twilight (with a sigh of relief): Oh, thank Celestia! I thought something catastrophic had happened!

Nurse: Apparently Applejack baked rat poison into the muffins. A LOT of rat poison. Pinkie ingested enough to kill twelve of Fluttershy’s patented super rats!

In the past.

Fluttershy stands in front of a complicated maze, at the end of which rests a slice of cheese. She gently lowers a rat into the opposite end of the maze.

Fluttershy: All right, the timer’s started… oh, I hope you were ready; was it too soon?

The rat momentarily stands still before shooting radiant lasers from his eyes, blasting holes in every wall in the maze and clearing a direct path to the cheese.

Fluttershy: Yay! You’ll never go hungry again!

In the present.

Nurse: I believe there was some sort of misunderstanding. Most likely over the distinct lack of rat poison called for in the recipe.

Twilight (angrily): Applejack…

Nurse: I’ve done everything I can. Pinkie will revive whenever she gets around to it, I suppose.

Nurse Redheart walks to the door.

Nurse: I’ll let the mayor know to increment Applejack’s tally.

As Nurse Redheart walks out the door, Derpy comes flying in.

Derpy: What’s this I hear about muffins?!

Twilight: They’re poisoned, Derpy. You don’t want them.

Derpy launches toward the muffins, eagerly picking one up.

Twilight: They will literally kill you!

Holding the muffin in front of her face, Derpy salivates as she intently weighs her options, her gaze slowly becoming more and more wall-eyed.

Derpy: I have a pretty high muffin tolerance.

Derpy opens her mouth to eat the muffin.

Twilight: No!

Twilight casts a spell, knocking the deadly treat from Derpy’s hooves.

Twilight: But not a poison tolerance! Those muffins aren’t food!

Derpy lands in front of the muffin tray. She stares longingly at them, lost in what would approximate thought in any other pony’s mind. After once again mulling over her options, Derpy leans down to devour a muffin.

Twilight: Are you serious?!

Twilight casts another spell, and all the muffins in the room disappear.

Derpy (dejected): Awww…

Twilight: I’m sorry, I just-

Derpy bolts out of the building.

Twilight: Well… I needed to talk to Applejack anyway…

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack kicks an apple tree, then literally falls asleep as the apples fall down around her. She is only awakened when the fruit crashes onto her head.

Applejack: Huh?!

Applejack straps herself into a nearby apple cart, then slowly backs the cart down a hill to empty the bunch. She overshoots, however, and the cart tips over, leaving her suspended in midair. She quickly dozes off until Twilight walks up.

Twilight: Applejack, we need to talk.

Applejack (with a start): Wha?! Oh, it’s you Twilight. I know what you’re gonna say… but the answer is still no.

Twilight: Not to upset your apple cart, but you need help!

Applejack: Hardy har… and no I don’t!

Applejack struggles to free herself, to no avail.

Twilight: Let me help.

Applejack: Help? No thanks!

After an intense, prolonged effort, Applejack manages to tip the apple cart back onto its wheels and free herself.

Applejack: I’ll prove… that this apple… can handle these apples.

Applejack weakly kicks a nearby tree, which is completely dead. Naturally, no apples fall.

Applejack (repeatedly kicking): Come on… apples… fall off!

Twilight: AJ, I think you’re beating a dead… tree.

Twilight’s Mind: Pun count: 2. Minute count: 00:33. Comedy output at maximum efficiency. Backing up memory file for future reference.

Applejack: I knew that.

Applejack walks away, but Twilight follows.

Twilight: Actually, Applejack, I had something else to talk to you about. I just came back from Sugarcube Corner, and-

Applejack: Ya know, I’m a little busy to get lectured right now Twilight!

Twilight: Busy poisoning another batch of muffins?

Applejack: That was an accident!

Twilight: Because you’re destroying yourself by overworking! And now you’re endangering Ponyville, too! You need help!

Applejack: Nothing bad happened.

Twilight: You killed Pinkie Pie!

Applejack: That pony gets killed three times before breakfast!

Twilight: So because she’ll come back, that makes it ok?

Applejack: It makes it inconsequential.

Twilight: No pony’s life is so meaningless as to be casually discarded without a second thought. We’re not talking about a dragon here!

Applejack: What, you’re a philosophizer now?

Twilight: Well, I did read a book once: “Spouting Philosophy: Gall Your Friends by Opening Your Mouth,” so if you’d like to discuss Nietzsche…

Applejack (losing her already strained patience): There’s nothin’ to discuss. End of story! How many times do I gotta say it?! I don’t need no help from no pony!

Twilight (shouting in frustration): Ugh! You just lucked into that triple negative!

Twilight (to herself): That pony is stubborn as a mule!

Later, outside Ponyville, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Winona are walking down a road surrounded by rabbits.

Fluttershy: Oh, Applejack, thank you so much for offering your herding skills for the annual rabbit roundup.

Applejack (sighing): Ugh, why are we doin’ this?

Fluttershy: Well, lots of new baby bunnies have been born, and I need genetic samples from each of them to study which foreign chromosomes their bodies are least likely to reject.

Applejack: And when I asked if we could reschedule?

Fluttershy: Oh, I’m so sorry… I just need that lab work as soon as possible…

Applejack: Fine. Can we just get on with it?

Fluttershy: Certainly. But remember, these are bunnies we’re dealing with, not cows. They’re a timid bunch and need to be treated gently.

Applejack (irate): I do NOT need any directions on corralin’ critters! Right, Winona?

Winona barks happily.

Fluttershy: Ok, little bunnies, I need you to all gather here in the middle.

Applejack stomps her hoof forcefully.

Applejack: That’s right bunnies, I got apples to buck, and time’s-a-wastin’! In the center! Hop to it!

Terrified, the bunnies scurry away.

Applejack: Swell. Just swell.

Applejack runs after the bunnies at full tilt.

Applejack: Put ‘em up, Winona!

Barking, Winona playfully leaps at any bunny she can see.

Fluttershy: Applejack, Winona, stop! You’re scaring them!

Applejack: We know what we’re doin’! Git along, little bunnies!

Applejack and Winona successfully herd all the bunnies into a gated-off circle. However, the forced proximity spikes the creatures’ adrenaline even further, and they break out, heading straight for Ponyville.

Fluttershy: Oh no…

In Ponyville.

Tremors are felt throughout the entire town. Ponies gather in the street, frightened and confused. Rainbow Dash flies into the air in an effort to scope out the root of the commotion. She discovers, much to her shock, a...

Rainbow: STAMPEDE… again.

The herd of crazed bunnies is the source of the seismic activity, bulleting along on a collision course for Ponyville. Every pony breaks out in panic; some hide indoors while others merely run around aimlessly. Pinkie Pie giggles as the tremors send vibrations through her vocal cords.

Pinkie: This never gets old!

The bunnies barrel into town, paying no heed to any pony foolish enough to stand in their way.

Later that day.

Twilight, having somehow missed the earth-shattering stampede, is trotting through town humming happily to herself. With a gasp, she stops dead in her tracks as the sight of three seemingly injured ponies lying in the middle of the street greets her.

Pony A: The horror! The horror!

In spite of herself, Twilight smiles knowingly at the inadvertent literary allusion.

Pony B: It was awful!

Pony C: A disaster! A horrible, horrible disaster!

Twilight looks around at the pristine town in front of her.

Twilight: I don’t get it.

Pony A: Our gardens… destroyed!

Pony B: Every last flower devoured!

Pony C: By… by… THEM!

Twilight follows the pony’s hoof to discover the entire herd of rabbits hopping around and eating every plant in sight.

Fluttershy: Oh, please stop, little bunnies… oh no… please… let’s go home… oh… oh my goodness…

Twilight: Fluttershy. Is Applejack behind this?

Fluterrshy: Oh… oh my… I don’t like to point hooves…

Twilight: But yes?

Fluttershy: …but yes… oh! Don’t eat that… it’s poison ivy…

Twilight: All right. Enough is enough.

At Sweet Apple Acres.

Applejack is repeatedly kicking a tree, but she doesn’t even have the strength to knock the apples down anymore.

Applejack: Must… keep bucking… just a few more… must finish harvestin’…

Twilight resolutely steps forward.

Twilight: All right, Applejack. Your applebucking has gone far enough. I should have taken this firm a stance with you from the beginning and saved every pony a lot of trouble, but regardless… I don’t care what you say, you need help!

Applejack gives one last kick and knocks all the apples from the tree.

Applejack: Hah! No I don’t! Look! I did it!

Twilight looks at the sea of empty apple trees before her.

Applejack: I harvested the entire Sweet Apple Acres without your help. Big Macintosh is strappin’ on his helmet and headin’ to Stirrup Street!

Big Macintosh walks up.

Big Macintosh: The bet wasn’t for just half the farm. Ya gotta hit the west fields, too.

Big Macintosh motions with his head toward the west fields, which are dominated by ripe apple trees as far as the eye can see.

Applejack: Wha… how did I… I don’t… I can’t…

Applejack collapses onto the ground.

Twilight: Applejack?!

Applejack (weakly): …huh?

Twilight: Oh good, you’re ok. Now Applejack, I completely respect the Apple family ways. You’re always there to help any pony in need, even though loyalty is Rainbow Dash’s Element. But maybe you can put a little of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you.

Applejack (closing her eyes): Ok, Twilight.

Twilight: I am not taking no for an answer-

Twilight’s Mind: Error! Self-righteous proselytizing interrupted by unforeseen accession. Recompiling to establish proper verbal reaction.

Twilight: …what?!

Applejack: Yes, Twilight. Yes, please. It don’t matter if I gotta dress like a quarterback… I could really use your help.

Twilight breathes a heavy sigh of relief.

Big Macintosh (hopeful): We can still go back to the original girdle terms, if you prefer!

Later, all members of the Mane Six are working together to help buck the remaining apples. Twilight uses her magic to clear a quarter of the remaining apples in one fell swoop.

Dear Princess Celestia-

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but today I learned just how outmoded and irrelevant Earth Ponies truly are. Of course, I’d never say that to their face, but hear me out. All day long, Applejack has been attempting to buck the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres by herself. She exhausted herself exerting so much effort, and a veritable comedy of errors transpired around her mistakes, although it wasn’t very funny in real life. When she finally acquiesced and accepted my assistance, I discovered just how much more effectively magic could do the job that almost killed Applejack. I could have cleared the entire farm in just a couple of hours. I suspect you left assorted farming duties to the Earth Ponies so they wouldn’t feel too useless to society, but they’re really just a vestigial link on the evolutionary chain at this point. Once again, I would never share this opinion, but I’m surprised no one suggested enslaving Earth Ponies over dragons way back before the war. Actually… I take that back. Dragons are still much worse. Yes, of course you have to write that part, Spike. You have to write everything I say. Oh, you’re worried about impeding the flow of the letter? Maybe you should have thought of that before you interrupted. Now I’ve lost my train of thought. Excuse me? I don’t appreciate your tone. I’m aware it’s a controversial opinion; that’s why I repeatedly qualified it! Really, you don’t think I have any right to sit on a pedestal and judge? You think I have my own imperfections? Well, for your information, I made friends! I’m popular now. I- … that’s impossible. You’re lying. I think I’d remember something as traumatic as you walking in on me making love to Crime and Punishment, Spike. Is this blackmail now? That is a very bad boy! Now go to bed without any… are you still writing?! You’re not supposed to write THIS part! Stop! I forbid you to keep writing. Oh, you think you’re gonna send it now? Well good luck! See if you can finish that letter if I never say

                                                                                                 -“Your student,

                                                                                                  Twilight Sparkle”

P.S. Dang it!

At Twilight’s library.

Twilight: She’ll never believe you. She’ll just think you’re trying to sabotage my reputation. Princess Celestia loves me too much for that.

Spike: We’ll see.

Twilight: Now seriously, go to bed and think about what you’ve done. Behavior like that will NOT be tolerated.

Spike begins walking upstairs before turning back around and facing Twilight.

Spike: I know you don’t wanna talk to me, but remember those poisoned muffins Derpy tried to eat?

Twilight: What about them?

Spike: Where did they go?

Twilight: I didn’t have time to be specific. I just sent them far away.

Spike: So… if someone else finds them…

Twilight: Part of the spell was that they wouldn’t land anywhere near any ponies. Now goodnight, Spike!

Spike walks upstairs.

In the Everfree Forest.

In a humble hut, a female manticore is crying, holding her son and daughter close to her.

Mother (in manticore tongue, in between tears): This is why… this is why you never leave the forest. Do you understand? Good folks live here. Good folks without chainsaws, or… or butterscotch lollipops!

All three manticores sob even more profusely.

Mother (stifling tears): You’re all I have now… promise me… promise you’ll never leave me!

The mother hugs her children even closer. Suddenly, a tray of muffins, having finally completed its hastily cast interdimensional journey, appears on the table before the shattered family.

Mother(smiling and crying): See, this is what I mean… neighbors truly care here. They know when you’re sad. You can always depend on the kindness of Everfree Forest strangers.

The mother hands a muffin to both her children.

Mother: Here. Eat up. It’s what… it’s what your father would have wanted.