My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

The windows to the barracks were gaping maws of darkness; neither light nor sound seeping through. Sentries were posted throughout Canterlot, but those guards housed inside the barracks dozed innocently, unaware of both the conniving princess standing outside their door and her beleaguered sister barring entry.

“We will go no further, sister,” Luna declared, standing between Celestia and the large oaken doors, “until you tell me for what purpose we have come.”

“I’ll do you one better,” the sun princess replied, lowering her horn. “I’ll show you.”

Lowering her horn in tandem, Luna braced herself for attack. She had long feared Celestia would one day tire of her rational guidance – was the beginning of the end finally at hand?

But when Celestia cast her spell, no offensive strike was loosed. No projectile was fired; no barrage assailed the wincing night princess. Celestia’s spell merely summoned an empty mug, now floating inches from Luna’s face.

“I do not understand,” Luna admitted. At this Celestia laughed heartily, confusing her sister even further.

“Oh, PLEASE drop the formalities, sister! It’s just us! I KNOW you know how to use conjunctions, and they do ever so liven up a dialogue, would not you say?”

“It does not befit a royal princess-”

“We’re MODERN princesses Luna! We decree what befits what. It’s not the stone age!”

“Our subjects yet made to believe you and I control celestial bodies likely perceive little difference.”

“You agreed to let that slide-”

“If you agreed to include me in ALL royal decisions. This escapade is no exception,” Luna found her well of patience rapidly evaporating.

“This isn’t a decision,” Celestia chortled, “it’s a harmless prank. Look.”

Celestia cast another spell, and water filled the mug before Luna’s eyes. Heat emanated from the glass and brushed her cheek, evoking an intense desire to reunite with the warmth and comfort snatched from her for this “harmless prank.”

“They say if you dunk a sleeping pony’s hoof into warm water, his body will react accordingly and he’ll soil himself. I heard that today and I could not WAIT to test it out! You ready?”

Luna shut her eyes and inhaled deeply, quickly contemplating how best to squash this childish notion, how best to chide Celestia that some part of her message might finally get through and she might begin to grasp the folly of such tiresome antics.

But her thoughts were abruptly cut short.

“Luunnaaaa,” an all-too-familiar voice called out.

Luna awoke with a start. The pain in her body was entirely forgotten as adrenaline sent her flying out of bed, but promptly remembered as her legs buckled under her own weight. The night princess cried out in pain as she crashed headlong into the floor.

“Finally. I thought you’d never wake up,” Discord said without a drop of sympathy.

It was impossible. It was absolutely impossible, but there he was. Discord, the hideous draconequus, once the mad tyrant of Equestria, overthrown by she and her sister using the Elements of Harmony and banished forever in a stone prison, was standing in her bedroom, talon propped arrogantly against the wall.

“I’m dreaming,” Luna declared resolutely.

“No, my dear, the dream is what you just woke up from. I gave it to you. Did you like it?”

Luna’s mind was reeling. “It was a poorly constructed fiction. No such events ever occurred, nor could they.” Had Nightmare Moon claimed her sanity as well?

“Luna, Luna, Luna, you’re killing me. Again. That dream was a repressed memory I restored for you. A very difficult procedure, I might add. One hundred percent truth.”

Her face a blank slate, Luna fought her way to her feet and backed away from the fallen king.

“You’re a figment. On top of everything else, I’m delusional.”

Discord walked toward her, eyes ablaze with purpose. “That millennium you spent in the moon? Try spending even longer in some god-forsaken rock, then one day, out of the blue, just when you’re starting to ENJOY your life as an igneous lawn gnome, being hurtled from one prison into an even less desirable one inside the mind of the newly returned monarch who imprisoned you in the first place!”

“Your statue yet stands. I’ve seen it,” Luna scrambled to dispel this insane apparition with logic.

“But I’m not in it,” Discord nonchalantly replied.

“If you- why would you wait until now to confront me?!”

“Look, I’m having about six existential crises at once, you’ll forgive me if it took a little while to get acclimated.”

Luna found herself overcome with emotion as rational responses failed her. “You’re just a guilty conscience,” she shouted as she turned her head toward the wall, refusing to let Discord see the first tear slide down her cheek.

“How are the moon duties going?” Discord changed the subject without a second thought.

Luna grimaced at the question. Why ask if you already know the answer?

“That dream was only the beginning. What would you say if I told you it’s not your fault you can’t raise the moon? What if I told you you never have?

Against her better judgment, Luna turned once more to face the draconequus.

For the second time that night, Luna found herself on the balcony. The evening air no longer felt so sweet; the stars had lost their effervescent sheen. She contemplated the tale Discord had spun, poring it over in her mind from every possible angle. It felt like farce – an out of control princess, the Elements of Disharmony, lies believed by all of Equestria, zebra magic, and yet… most horrifyingly of all, something about it rang true. The story was possessed of some imperceptible quality that latched itself to her every thought.

Of course Discord’s lying. He always lies, and I’m crazy. But… what if he’s not?

And what if I’m not?

The stars had dulled, but one light shone brightly in the corner of Luna’s eye. Tracing its source, Luna discovered a splendorous bonfire blazing against the night sky from faraway Ponyville. How simple life must be there, for the Elements of Harmony and for all the natives. No doubt marshmallows were roasting that very moment as local youth were regaled with scary stories around the communal campfire.

“MORE KINDLING, SPIKE!” Twilight shouted hysterically. “THE MOUTH OF HELL YEARNS FOR SUPPLEMENT!”

Spike threw the last log into the roaring fire before wiping the sweat from his brow. “That’ll have to do. We’re out of wood.”

Nodding silently, Twilight surveyed the fire.

“Not twenty minutes ago, you were all ‘purifying flames’ and ‘final repose.’ Wanna tell me what changed?”

“I saw her Spike,” Twilight uttered. “The Velveteen Rabbit amidst the fire, never taking flame. The temptress revealing herself for the demon she is!”

“I think it’s interesting you assign female gender roles to the books you love. You think maybe something else is going on?”

But Twilight wasn’t listening. At the drop of a hat, she was on the ground sobbing before the flames.

“That’ll teach you to leave me!” Twilight shouted between tears. “I saw you on the shelf, fraternizing with Peter Rabbit! I loved you! I gave you everything a filly can give! Now burn!”

“OK,” Spike sighed, “murdering ex-lovers obviously makes you very emotional. I’ll be sure to take a note. Now can we please go back inside?”

“Hey Twilight, what’s all the ruckus?” Applejack asked, seemingly appearing from nowhere.

“Just… burning books…” Twilight was downtrodden. “Along with my hopes and dreams…”

“Great. We’ve lurched into depression now,” Spike muttered to himself.

“Book burnin’?!” Applejack reared onto her hind legs, her face beaming even against the orange glow of the bonfire. “Can I join?”

Twilight stood straight up. “Do you have more wood?!”

“At the farm? I got tons! I’ll be right back!” Applejack bounded away, whispering excitedly to herself. “Oh, you’re gonna get it now, Pratchett!”

Spike stared dumbfounded as Twilight leapt with joy. “I’m gonna find Pinkie Pie, see if she’s got any vodka,” the dragon announced.

At that very moment, Pinkie walked out to the very end of a tree branch hanging precariously over the fire. The pony was adorned head to hoof in a full-body book costume. Spike could only watch helplessly as she leapt.

“Look at me, I’m Harry Potter!” Pinkie shouted before the flesh melted from her body.

The worst part was, if Spike was honest with himself, none of this felt too far out of the ordinary any more.

Luna smiled softly as she thought back to her own youth, so very long ago. What she wouldn’t give to join those innocent campers right now, to partake of the s’mores and the camaraderie. But she walked a different path.

“You ready to go?” Discord asked.

The ancient castle in the Everfree Forest was sure to hold the answers she sought. But if Discord was right… she wasn’t sure she wanted to find them.